


Nine In The Afternoon (You could, cause you can, so you do)

by melindajane



Category: Bandom, HIM (Band), Panic! at the Disco, Ville Valo (Musician), Viva La Bam RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crossover, F/M, High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-09
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-13 21:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 112,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melindajane/pseuds/melindajane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ville moves to West Chester right before he starts his freshman year of high school. He’s awkward, he has an annoying gap in his teeth, his accent is so thick that no one can understand him, and to top it all off, his best friend Brendon is a geek. Through it all he tries to hide the embarrassing moments of his life from his older brother Jesse. Ville makes his way to graduation with his faithful sidekick Brendon, an impossible crush on Bam Margera, the most understanding parents of all time, and a little luck from an old lady.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1-10

**Author's Note:**

> This story would not have been possible without my good friend Bluespire. She read this multiple times, carefully beta'd the first half (and would have trudged through the second half if I had the patience to edit it again), and inspired me to write the damn thing with her own high school AU. Thank you so much, girl!
> 
> A few warnings for this story. Homophobia, bullying, a lot of blasphemy, a minor character death, bad language, possible triggery suicide talk (no real suicide), and underage boys being boys. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter One**

Ville Valo totally supported his mother’s decision to become a nurse. Sure, he realized that he’d miss the days of her doting on him after school, but he was growing up. He figured that it would be a lot easier to get away with things if both of his parents worked (even if those things he wanted to get away with consisted of eating in bed and watching bloody horror movies).

Ville was still getting used to the idea that he wouldn’t be his mother’s only priority when she dropped a bomb on him. “We’re moving to The United States. Pennsylvania, Ville. It’s exciting, yes?”

Her long hours at nursing school never prepared Ville for the news that they would be moving to some unheard of town in Pennsylvania. The States were always romanticized on TV. It was something that you wanted to achieve someday, but not the summer before you started high school. And Ville…Ville didn‘t have the self-esteem or confidence for that kind of change. Ville was a gap toothed, long limbed ball of awkward. He knew he wouldn’t survive in a new school.

No matter how much Ville protested the idea of moving, he wasn’t able to change his fate. His mother listened to his rants, she tried her best to comfort him, but in the end she continued to make plans for the move. When it came time to pack up their things, he played the typical betrayed son. He packed his bags, he slammed all of his possessions, and he promised that he would never _ever_ forgive his parents. It hurt even worse when Ville realized that Jesse was excited. “American girls are beautiful,” he promised his brother. But Ville’s didn’t care much for girls… _not yet._

He didn’t speak to his parents for days, even remaining mute for the fourteen hour flight. The first time he spoke was when they set foot into their new home. “It’s smaller than our old house,” he commented. Apparently they felt bad for him, because his daddy didn’t even bother telling him not to be ‘wise’ with his mother. 

He had two months before he started high school as a freshman and there was a lot that they had to prepare for. Ville was above and beyond when it came to literature in Finnish, but when he had to translate to English, it put him a bit behind. And well, math had never really come easy to him. The fact that West Chester’s mathematical education was just a bit ahead of Ville’s meant that he would start out at a disadvantage. 

“I thought Americans were supposed to be lazy and ignorant,” Ville muttered in the guidance councilor’s office. Thankfully he did it in Finnish so the woman only stared at him, but from the glare his mother gave him, he was sure that he wasn’t going to get an extra helping of cake that evening.

…

The summer passed by achingly slow with no one to hang out with. His brother Jesse was a year older and seemed to have no problem making friends or finding a job. Ville, at fifteen years old, was epically lonely and tired of his father complaining about how astronomical the phone bill would be. Well, if his daddy wanted to leave Finland for West Chester, then he should have budgeted Ville’s co-dependent relationship with Mige into the startup cost. Ville hadn’t gone longer than a day without talking to him since they learned to speak full sentences.

The worst part was that Mige was no help. He spoke as if Ville’s departure was an adventure, something to be excited about. He kept repeating the same thing. “You could be anyone, Rakohammas. Think of this as a new start.”

But Mige had inadvertently cemented Ville’s fear. Ville couldn’t be anyone. He was going to be the gap toothed boy, _rakohammas_ , just like Mige said. Ville’s friends had called him that since they were in infant school, but it never hurt before. He knew that in West Chester, when people made comments about Ville’s laugh, accent, even the way he looked, they would not be doing it in jest, they would be doing it to hurt him. He found it impossible to take his best friend’s advice to stay optimistic when he sat alone on his bed in Pennsylvania.

On the phone, Ville would speak in Finnish and Mige would talk back in his broken English. He insisted that he was trying to ‘prepare’ him for high school, but just listening to Mige’s voice crackling over the line made Ville cringe. He didn’t want anyone to know that he sounded like that, that he stumbled over the simplest of words sometimes. 

Ville didn’t want to be _different._

Being different was supposed to be cool, but Ville didn‘t see it that way. In his eyes, standing out was like a death sentence, at the very least a social death sentence. All Ville wanted to do was blend in.

Ville couldn’t figure out how he was going to meet new friends when he was too embarrassed to speak.

……

A month before Ville started high school a knock came at the door. His daddy was driving the cab (where he shuffled people to and from the airport during the day, and drove alcoholics home from the bar at night) and his mama was at her very first double shift at the hospital. And Jesse, _his traitor brother Jesse,_ was at the mall with some of his new friends. An hour before, Jesse had invited Ville to come with him, but Ville knew what the invitation really was. It was his mother telling Jesse to be a good boy and include his loser brother. Ville never wanted to be a charity case, so he declined. 

But then he found himself left alone at the house with someone knocking at the door. He sighed as he got up, anticipating another preservative stuffed casserole that the neighbors seemed to bring over from time to time. He was never so happy to be a vegetarian. It was unnatural for a human to eat that much tuna combined with cheese, he thought.

When he opened the door, already holding his breath to keep away the scent of burnt cheese and tuna, he was surprised at what he saw. It was a boy, probably his own age, though he looked young and awkward in his own skin. He wore his clothes too tight and had huge red glasses. As Ville looked him over, he couldn’t tell if the boy’s hair was supposed to look that messy or if he had just rolled out of bed.

“Hi! My name’s Brendon. I just got home from camp and my mom said that there was a new kid on the street. I thought I’d come over and say hi. She said that I should probably wait until later, because I just got home. But I thought why not, and…”

Ville’s head spun. The boy talked faster than Ville could process and he couldn’t seem to stand still. Ville had heard of ADHD, but had never actually seen it firsthand. The boy, Brendon he thought, was practically vibrating with it. Ville almost felt a little bad for him.

“I’m Ville,” Ville said simply, holding his tongue so as to not embarrass himself with his accent. Besides, Brendon apparently talked enough for both of them. The boy’s eyes lit up. 

“Cool! Do you want to hang out? Because I don’t want to go home and tell my parents about camp yet. I didn’t really have any fun while I was there and they’ll just be disappointed in me, and I’m just kind of not ready for that. Is that okay? Am I bothering you? I bother people sometimes.”

Ville stepped away from the door. “You’re not bothering me.”

And that’s how Brendon became Ville’s first friend in West Chester.

From his constant stream of talk that day, Ville learned a lot about Brendon. He learned that Brendon’s parents had moved to Pennsylvania from Vegas when they caught Brendon smoking a cigarette with some older boys. It turned out that Brendon hadn’t even taken a drag, it just felt good having company for once. The Urie’s strict Mormon values left them feeling uneasy about keeping their youngest boy in the City Of Sin, though they hadn’t even lived close enough to see the lights of the strip.

Brendon was energetic, and passionate about music, but completely clueless about how to act in social situations. Ville felt relieved when he met Brendon. It was kind of like hanging out with himself, only a much chattier and clumsier version. 

At the very least, he and Brendon shared common bonds. They were both vegetarians, they both loved music, they were both complete losers, and they would both be sitting in the jazz band come September. 

Brendon wasn’t exactly the kind of person Ville would have chosen to spend time with. Mige was funnier, and cooler, and far more relaxing, but Ville felt like it was fate that brought them together. For whatever reason, things just seemed to be easy between Brendon and Ville. Brendon was the only person that Ville had ever met where he didn’t worry about embarrassing himself, or looking foolish, or even saying the wrong thing. Brendon, Ville decided, was the first thing that he liked about Pennsylvania. 

……

Brendon and Ville sat side by side on the bus on the first day of school. Apparently Brendon already had a reputation of being a social misfit, because a few of the older boys threw crumpled up papers at the back of his head on the way to school. When one hit Ville, he closed his eyes and prayed that it was a bad throw. As much as he appreciated Brendon’s company, he did not want to have the same fate. 

“Don’t tell Spencer about this. He’ll be upset,” Brendon whispered when they parked in front of the school. Ville nodded his head obediently, mostly because he wasn’t ready for the other kids to hear his voice. He had learned over the weeks that Brendon had exactly one and a half friends besides Ville, Spencer Smith and Spencer Smith’s best friend Ryan Ross. Apparently Ryan didn’t like Brendon all that much, but sometimes hung out with Brendon if Spencer did. 

After the buses were dropped off, the kids were separated by alphabetical order and sorted into homerooms. Luckily, Brendon was going to stay with Ville. Although he wasn’t sure that Brendon was the best company, he wasn’t ready to be alone. 

The auditorium smelled like sweat and dust when they walked in for freshman orientation. Ville was curious when he saw Brendon waving at people; two kids huddled together. One of the boys was impossibly thin and delicate looking, though he looked pissed off at the world. The other boy was just as tall with a little too much baby fat left that made his face look a bit girlish if you asked Ville. He wondered which one was Spencer, and in his distraction, he forgot to look at his own feet as he had trained himself to do and tripped over a pair of lazy legs that were slid into the aisle. He started to fall and the only thing that kept him standing upright was the fact that he latched onto Brendon’s back. It was almost like Ville was hugging him, and distantly he decided that he didn’t dislike the way that felt, but he didn’t want anyone to see him touching Brendon. A second later he froze when a whiny voice interrupted his thoughts about Brendon.

“Watch where you’re going, you fucking homos!”

The voice sounded sleep starved, and when he looked behind him, he realized that he must have woken the boy up when he tripped over his legs. Still, it was rude (in fact rude seemed like an understatement). Ville might have been holding onto Brendon, but he wasn’t gay, at least he didn’t _think_ he was gay. And that boy shouldn’t have had his legs dangling in the aisle like he owned the place anyway, Ville thought. There were so many things wrong with the situation that only belatedly did Ville realized that a good half of the room was staring at him. He kind of wanted to cry, and if he could have gotten away with it, he probably would have. He cringed when he felt Brendon tense in front of him and grab the front of his Black Sabbath shirt (the one Brendon made him promise never to wear in front of Mrs. And Mr. Urie). 

“Come on, Ville. Let’s just go.”

Ville sighed. Part of him wanted to fight back, but in the end he submitted and looked down at his feet. 

“Novak, it’s day one. Stop being such a fucking asshole. Jesus…”

Ville badly wanted to look up and see who came to his defense, but he was too scared. He had started to turn and follow Brendon with his tail between his legs, when someone grabbed the sleeve of his shirt. He braced himself for a punch, but it didn’t come. Instead the nice voice came back.

“Look, my friend here Novak, he’s a total asshole. He’s hung-over, and tired, and…okay, he’s a sad excuse for a human being.”

Ville nodded along, not trusting his voice. When he finally caught sight of the other boy, he couldn’t breathe. He was short, with soft curls and brilliant blue eyes. He wore baggy jeans and an Element shirt. Simply put, he was beautiful. He was the kind of boy that Ville would see on TV, and then later, have unexplained dreams about. It seemed unfair that a boy like that could actually exist in reality. 

“But you see they had a few queer…I mean gay kids last year, and I’m not saying you are or nothing, not that you can’t be or whatever, but they have this zero tolerance policy about saying gay shit around here. And look, can you just do me a favor and not get Novak suspended on the first day?”

Ville deflated a little when he realized that the guy wasn’t being nice, and in fact, wanted something from him. Distantly, he thought that he had seen that boy hanging out with his brother Jesse before, but that just made everything all the more embarrassing. Jesse could never find out about his first day at school.

Ville nodded dumbly, because the last thing he was going to do was walk into a new school and say that the mean boy was picking on him.

The guy sort of patted his shoulder, a little harder than Ville would have liked, but it was very manly. 

“Cool. I owe you one!”

Before Ville could even process what that meant, Brendon tugged on the other sleeve of Ville’s shirt. “Come on, Ville. We’re going to get in trouble if we don’t sit down.”

Ville kind of thought Brendon was being a pussy for not wanting to get in trouble until he realized he was nervous about the same thing. 

When they sat down, Brendon was twitching in his seat. Ville knew that the next week Brendon had an appointment with the doctor to see if he had ADD. It made Ville feel like a horrible person but he hoped that they would find something that would wind him down.

“Who was that, anyway?”

Brendon sighed. “The guy who yelled at you is Brandon Novak. You should…you should probably stay away from him. He gets in lots of fights because he says he likes being suspended because he doesn’t have to go to school, but I think that he just likes to fight. Someone said he went to rehab this summer, but I don’t know if that’s true, because last year when I went to Mormon camp they said that I went to one of those places where they teach you not to be gay. So I don’t like gossip, because…what they said about me wasn’t really nice. And really, if he did go to rehab, that’s not something you should talk about, because maybe it’s like a real problem, not something funny.”

“Okay,” Ville said, because he’d heard enough about Novak, and rehab, and about how mean people were to Brendon. As annoying as he was sometimes, Brendon was pretty great. It made Ville feel terrible that people wouldn’t just let him be Brendon without teasing him for it. But he was still curious, so he asked Brendon a question even though Ville knew that he might never get Brendon to shut up again.

“Who was the other guy? His…uh, friend?”

“His name is Brandon too, Brandon Margera. Everybody calls him Bam though, which is kind of lame, but secretly I’ve always wanted a nickname. Do you think that if we gave each other nicknames they might stick? I mean, it’s hard to pronounce your name anyway, and I’ve had like a month of practice…”

Ville gave Brendon a sharp look.

“Sorry, sorry, stupid idea. Anyway, he just…he skates, and he posts these videos on Youtube that are supposed to be funny or something, but I don’t know. I can’t watch them because my mom has that internet nanny thing and I don’t think anything that Bam does is really Mormon approved. But Spencer thinks he’s really funny, and well, Spencer’s funny too - so it must be pretty good.”

Ville nodded his head, and for the thousandth time, he thought that Brendon had an impossible crush on his friend Spencer. If it wasn’t so obviously one sided and sad, it might have been adorable. 

“His brother Jess drops off your brother Jesse sometimes. Not that I watch your house or anything, but I’ve seen his van before. His brother Jess is in a band and they always use that to bring their equipment to their gigs. Spencer let me stay over his house so we could go to their show once, it was pretty good!”

Ville slumped down in his chair and covered his face with his hands. Jesse was totally going to find about how much of a loser Ville was. He hated his life.

……

The first day of school was always essentially useless. There was nothing to do but get new books, new seating arrangements, and figure out if the teacher hated you on sight or not. Luckily Ville’s teachers felt bad for him and left him alone. The night before, he had had nightmares about middle-aged women making him stand in front of the class to tell the rest of the kids what Finland was like.

In English, Novak sat behind him. He kicked the back of Ville’s chair for the entire period, but he couldn’t tell if that was because he was an asshole, or because he was like Brendon and couldn’t sit still. 

In history, Brendon sat next to him and passed him notes. They were all funny with little stick figures drawn in the margins. As annoying as Brendon could be, it was the little things that Ville appreciated about him.

In math, Brendon’s friends Ryan and Spencer were sitting behind him. He longed to turn around and say “I know your friend,” but he didn’t want to embarrass himself in case they didn’t really like Brendon. Sometimes his neighbor didn’t know how to read people. For all Ville knew, they could despise Brendon.

Jazz band was great. There were only a handful of kids and he already knew Brendon. The best part was that Spencer and Ryan were there so Ville would surely get to figure out if Brendon misjudged his relationship with them. The class was relaxed. They all talked about music, and jazz, and picked out arrangements. Ville knew it was desperately nerdy, but it was the first time that he fit in all day. Ryan was a good guitarist; Brendon played the guitar better, but they needed someone on piano. Spencer was an awesome drummer, though his taste in music was terrible. Ville was also pretty sure that the band director Mr. Thomas had an orgasm when Ville admitted that he played the upright bass. It went well, and even if they were all nerds, Ville knew he had someone to depend on in the school.

Ville found it ironic that after he left the high of Jazz band he ended up in the worst class of all, gym. He hated changing in front of other people, he hated formal exercise, and he really, _really_ hated running. He tried to tell the gym teacher that he had asthma and he couldn’t run, but the gruff man with a neck thicker than Ville’s thigh called him a pansy and told him to hit the track. Ville made it a quarter of a mile before he collapsed.

“Dude, that shit is not right. He told you!”

Ville was so foggy that he couldn’t even tell what was going on.

“And for your powers of observation, Margera, you get to deliver him to the nurse’s office. Hop to it.”

Ville felt hands on his body as he was dragged off the pavement and he wheezed himself inside and down the hall to the nurse’s office. Once there, he sat down in the chair and a flurry of activity happened around him.

“You poor boy! That man is a liability, I swear.”

And then it was the familiar sensation of his inhaler between his lips and the harsh puffs of chemical air after. He felt better, but not okay. His chest still hurt and his fingers tingled with the desire to claw his skin off.

“Dude, you should probably sue or something.”

Ville looked up and cringed when he saw Bam Margera looking down at him. He was so embarrassed that he wanted to die.

“I’m okay,” he said, though he wasn’t.

“No, you’re not,” the nurse stated, echoing what Ville’s body told him.

Ville slumped back down and closed his eyes. If Bam hadn’t been there, he would have begged her to call his mother so he could go home. The day was clearly not going to get better.

“You won’t be taking gym, sweetheart. Not in this school - not with _that man!”_

Ville rolled his eyes. He wanted to tell her that all gym teachers were sadists, but he wasn’t sure that she would appreciate it. 

“Just relax. I’ll take care of everything.”

Apparently her idea of taking care of things was signing Ville out of gym and into home economics. He tried not to look at Bam’s face to see the smirk he knew would be there when the nurse handed Bam a note explaining in detail why it was that Ville could not participate in gym.

Simply put, Ville’s life was over.

After gym, or what would have been gym, Ville was awarded with a free period. After spending ten minutes in the library like he should have, he got a pass and went to the bathroom. He knew it was wrong, but he slipped into the faculty bathroom. Unlike some of the rebels who probably went in there to smoke, Ville sunk to his knees, threw up, and cried like a girl for exactly three minutes before he got himself in check. When he returned, the librarian gave him a sad look, like she knew what happened, and perhaps experienced it herself. Ville was absolutely miserable.

By the time lunch came around, Ville was pretty sure that things couldn’t get much worse. While the rest of the high school headed to the cafeteria, Ville hung back. He didn’t know if Brendon would be there, or if Spencer and Ryan would be nice to him, and he really wasn’t ready to make new friends. His biggest fear was Jesse, though. Ville knew that if he ran into Jesse, Jesse would somehow know everything happened to him. He couldn’t risk it, so instead of going to the cafeteria, Ville went into the empty art class that he had to report to for the next period. He sat alone and ate his sandwich while reading the school handbook that he was given in homeroom. It said a lot about tolerance, safety, and school spirit. Ville didn’t feel any of that.

He was shocked out of his daze when he realized someone was standing in front of him.

“Dude, I know you’re not from around here, but we eat in the cafeteria. The food isn’t that great, but you’re one step ahead of the rest of most freshmen, because you brought your own.”

Ville shrugged.

“I already found my next period class. Seems pointless to get lost all over again.”

Afraid of coming across as hungry for conversation and acceptance, Ville dropped his eyes back to the handbook. He was aware that it was rude. He also knew that rudeness might be a survival mechanism, especially when it came to boys like Bam who knew his brother.

“I can show you. It’s not actually that far away.”

“I’m good where I am,” Ville said shortly.

“Alright. Suit yourself, man.”

He was walking away, Ville could hear his heavy steps. But Ville couldn’t let it go. “Wait…” His heart pounded after he spoke up. Not only was he willingly engaging in conversation with Bam, who was cool and confident (and so attractive that it physically hurt Ville), but he was also preparing to ask him for a favor.

“Remember this morning when you said…” Ville carefully relived the situation. He tried to remember the exact words that Bam said to him. “You said that you owed me one?”

Bam turned around to look at him and Ville practically flinched.

“Name it,” Bam said, like he was going to have to fight to meet Ville’s needs and desires. That sent a little thrill through him, but it was short lived. He had to put on his pathetic hat and beg.

“Just…I know you know my brother Jesse. Jesse Valo,” Ville said. Not for the first time since setting foot on American soil, he hated that his brother got the easy name.

“Sure, I know him. Do you want me to get him for you?”

“No!” Ville said a little too loud and a little too quickly. “Not at all. Just. If you could please not tell him anything that happened to me today, that would be great.”

Bam frowned at him, but shook his head.

“Yeah - yeah, I can do that. Just…you sure? Because my brother Jess is like my best friend and he’s made my life a lot easier, you know? It’s not the worst thing in the world asking for help.”

“I’m fine on my own,” Ville said sharply. His words had two meanings. He wanted Bam to keep his secret and leave the room.

“You got it. See you around, Valo.”

After he left, Ville ate the rest of his sandwich and put his head down on the table. He knew that Bam called him Valo because he didn’t know his first name. He wanted the floor to swallow him.

After that it was art class where he sat with a group of very pretty girls and was treated like a Discovery Channel special. They asked him about Finland, his life, and his family. One girl blushed when he admitted that his brother was Jesse. He was a pet, and what was worse, the entire class knew it. A group of boys the next table over made phallic objects out of clay and gestured at Ville with them. The girls told him to ignore them, but he just shook his head. They were beautiful, relatively popular, and they spoke fluent English with appropriate slang. They had no idea what it was like to be him.

Ville’s last class was health, and although the teacher tried to be unconventionally hip, Ville was shocked and a little uncomfortable about the euphemisms she used for sex to grab the class’ attention. He blushed uneasily, as did Brendon next to him. He wondered if Brendon would even stay in the class with him. If his proper Mormon parents heard a single word she uttered, Brendon would probably be home schooled, Ville thought.

After that it was back to his locker that only opened for Brendon and to the buses. He was never so happy to go home in his life. He heard girls talking about cute teachers and cuter boys. He heard boys talk about cheating on tests and the proper way to skip class. Brendon didn’t say anything the whole way home and neither did Ville. If he wasn’t so sure that he would have been verbally assaulted (and possibly physically as well) he would have grabbed Brendon’s hand and squeezed it. He had a feeling that Brendon’s day was just as bad as his own.

They walked down their empty street to their houses and when they got to the big bush in front of the Miller house, Ville dropped his messenger bag on the ground and pulled Brendon into a hug. Brendon fought it at first, like it was an assault or something. But once Brendon figured out what it was, he melted into it like he was hug starved. Ville’s parents hugged him all the time. Hell, Mige hugged him all the time. He wondered how much of that Brendon got at home.

“I don’t want to go back there again,” Ville said sadly.

Brendon nodded his head in agreement.

“But jazz band was fun, right?”

“Jazz band does not erase getting called a homo, having an asthma attack in gym, getting put in home economics like a girl, having boys throw clay dicks at me, and having to beg Bam Margera not to tell my brother about any of it.”

Brendon hugged him tighter. 

“Maybe Jesse could help you though.”

Ville took a deep breath.

“I don‘t want Jesse‘s help. I just…I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You’re the only part of today that didn‘t suck.”

He felt Brendon smile against his shoulder.

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me, Ville.”

Ville reluctantly pulled away from Brendon.

“Want to play Halo? Or jam? Or…”

“Yeah. That’s…yes. Anything.”

For the rest of the afternoon Brendon talked. Ville didn’t know if he was making it up or not, but he told Ville at least a hundred stories about good things that happened to him or that he saw happen at school. Where Ville was a pessimist, thinking his life was over, Brendon was an optimist. 

Later at dinner, Ville used some of Brendon’s stories to assure both his parents and his brother that his life was nothing like it was. He didn’t get a knowing look from Jesse, so he figured that Bam kept his promise. He was thankful for that.

Still, when he went to bed that night, he cried silently into his pillow. He wanted to go home. He wanted Mige to tell him he was a nerd for loving Star Wars and only mean it half way. 

What was worse was that he really, _really_ wanted to jerk off. And when he did, he wanted to think about Bam’s hands, and Bam’s eyes, and maybe even just a little of what it felt like to have his nose pressed against Brendon’s shoulder.

He supposed that he always knew that he was a little gay. But seriously, he picked a hell of a day to have a full on epiphany.

**Chapter Two**

Ville had a routine; every day he woke up, took a shower, went to school, and did his homework. It was monotonous, but it didn’t kill him.

During the first week of school Ville feared that every day was going to be the same as the first - that people would be cruel and unreasonable. The truth was, for the most part people were too busy with their own lives to make Ville’s life an actual hell.

On the second day of school, Brendon dragged him to the cafeteria despite his protests. He was never comfortable though, and when Brendon figured out that Ville wasn’t going to get used to it, Brendon and Spencer started eating with him in the art room. It was quieter and cleaner and Ville was more likely to speak his mind when people wouldn’t be able to hear his accent. 

Sometimes Jesse came up to him in the hallway. Jesse would ruffle Ville’s long hair and they would trade insults in Finnish while students and teachers alike looked on in wonder. Now and then Ville would see Bam in the background giving him a strange look, but Ville never met his eyes. After they made their deal, Ville didn’t feel comfortable talking to him. 

……

About two weeks into the new school year, Brendon finally had his doctor’s appointment. His parents complained about his endless energy and the effects of his clumsiness. Ville sort of understood. Everybody found Brendon to be annoying from time to time, but the fact was that he seemed like a different person after the doctor gave him drugs to handle his ADD. Ville didn’t like the fact that Brendon couldn’t sleep most nights, or the obscene and distracting way that he would lick over his lips. Whenever Ville asked him about it, he said his mouth was dry. Ville could only assume that it had to do with his meds.

Once when the boys were up too late watching TV that the Urie household would never have approved of, Brendon mentioned it. The popcorn bowl was in his lap but he didn’t have the appetite for it. His head was resting on Ville’s shoulder. 

“Everything feels wrong like this. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I just…was I really that bad?”

The truth? Sometimes he was. Sometimes Ville just wanted to put his hands over his ears and beg him to shut up. He hated those thoughts. If he could go back, he would. He’d take an annoying Brendon over a Brendon that was bitter and upset any day. 

“No. You weren’t,” Ville said.

Brendon picked up the remote and put the TV on mute. He curled a little closer to Ville and mumbled. “Sing me one of your mother’s songs. I just…I can‘t stop thinking - about nothing and everything. It will feel better if you sing the confusing songs.”

Normally Ville would have argued that Finnish was a beautiful language and it should not be exploited by Brendon’s fucked up head, but he didn’t have the heart. He pulled Brendon a little closer to him on the couch and started singing soft Finnish folk songs. Brendon was asleep before he finished the first one, and yet he kept singing. He wondered how long it had been since Brendon had had a good night of sleep.

Later when his mother came home from work, Ville tilted his head up.

“Will you call Mrs. Urie and tell her that Brendon is staying over? I don’t think he should go home tonight.”

Anita frowned at her son, but she didn’t say no. They talked about Brendon sometimes. Anita accused Ville of being a little too close to Brendon. She told him that if he had feelings like that it was alright, but he had to be careful with Brendon, that Brendon’s family was very different from Ville’s and he wouldn’t get the same support. 

Anita spent a lot of time hugging Brendon and telling him how wonderful he was. Sometimes Ville got jealous, but then he realized that he was being silly. His mother loved him more than anything, maybe more than Jesse, he reasoned.

But the fact was, Brendon’s parents loved him too; not less, just differently. They had expectations for him, ones that were never going to be met. Ville hoped that he would be there someday when Brendon refused to grow up and become a good Mormon.

“I’ll call her,” Anita said, pulling Ville out of his thoughts. Ville only nodded and put the sound back on the TV.

……

The first time Ville got into a fight in high school, he almost couldn’t believe it. He had worked very hard to be invisible. Apparently his efforts were for nothing, because when he walked in on the captain of the football team with his hand down the class treasurer’s pants, there wasn’t any room to hide. 

“I…I’m sorry,” he stammered. Ville tried to leave, but accidentally backed himself into the corner of the room. He hissed in pain when his shoulder knocked against a coat hook. Ville knew he was fucked when he saw two pairs of eyes glaring at him.

The captain of the football team advanced. In the background he could hear his partner saying, “you don’t have to do this.” It should have made Ville feel better, but it didn’t comfort him at all. He wasn’t rescued when brawny fists hit his brittle ribs. 

Ville could never be positively sure, because telling time was never his strong suit, but he figured that the beating lasted about thirty-seven seconds. A few hits to the midsection, one good shot to the jaw when he was on the floor, and that’s when he lost his control. The asthma attack hit, and before he knew it the blood leaking from his mouth was lodged in the back of his throat. His airway was so blocked he couldn’t even swallow it.

“You can’t do this. I’m getting the fucking nurse. Kid’s going to die,” the other boy said.

Ville remembered looking up and thinking that the football star wanted him to die. He might have cried, Ville didn’t remember everything.

“You tell anybody what you saw, and next time no one is going to run and get the nurse. You hear me?”

The guy was sadistic enough to wait for Ville to reply. Ville couldn’t - of course he couldn’t. Eventually his head shook enough for the guy to take it as a nod. Just before he left, he wiped his knuckles on Ville’s crisp white jazz band shirt. Ville wheezed harder when he saw the blood marring the recently bleached fabric.

……

Ville was allowed to stay home for two days after his fight. He was fragile, his mother said. He needed time to heal and get better. Most of the time Ville sat in front of the television and tried to forget about what he saw.

Everybody asked him what had happened and who had beat him. Ville kept repeating the same thing over and over again. “I don’t know who it was. I never even met him before.” Jesse pressed him the worst. He wanted a physical description. Ville kept anticipating that a sketch artist would show up, or a hypnotist that was determined to jog his memory. Ville simply curled in on himself and said that he couldn’t remember what he looked like.

“He’s traumatized,” Anita explained to her older son. Still, Jesse wouldn’t let it go. He looked at Ville like he knew he was lying, even if he couldn’t prove it.

The fact was though; Ville didn’t keep the secret because he was afraid of another beating (though he could go his entire life without bruising another rib, thank you very much). The truth was that he remained silent because it was the right thing to do. He wasn’t supposed to see those boys; no one was. And had Ville been in that room with his hand down another boy’s pants, say Bam’s, or maybe even Brendon’s, he wouldn’t want the whole school to know. The only thing that hurt was that he knew that if that jock had seen Ville in a compromising position, he wouldn’t have kept it to himself. He would have taken pictures with his expensive phone and forwarded it to the whole school. 

He thought about it too much, too long, too often. He had a lot of time on his hands what with not going to school and all. One night he was so filled with grief that he called Mige and told him everything that happened. Mige didn’t say much about the situation, just that he was sorry that Ville was hurt and that he hated America. And before he hung up the phone, he said something that changed Ville’s life.

“I’m very proud of you, Rakohammas. I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me.”

It didn’t hit Ville until after he hung up the phone that he had just come out to his friend. 

He let himself cry that night without worrying that he was too old to do so. 

……

On his first day back to school after the beating, Ville sat in front of the office. He couldn’t keep his hands still; he kept fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He knew why he was called to the office. The principal wanted one more chance to grill Ville on what happened. He was anxious about having to lie on command. Ville was many things, but he had never been a convincing liar.

While he was lost in his thoughts, someone sat next to him with a loud huff. Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell it was Novak. He swallowed hard. Ville had tried very hard to avoid that boy since he had embarrassed Ville on his first day of school. 

“You look how I feel, man.”

Novak reached out to touch the cut covering Ville’s eyebrow for emphasis, but Ville flinched away before he made contact.

“Don’t worry, princess. I wasn’t going to make it any worse.”

Ville slumped and looked around the hallway. The bell had just rung, so there was no one to save him. Ville wasn’t ready for another fight. 

“You know, Bam thinks I did this to you.”

At that moment Ville looked up and saw a sadness that overshadowed Novak’s trademark smirk.

“You should probably tell him that I didn’t before he does something stupid. He’s my best friend and I don’t want to fight with him over this. I’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life, but I never touched you.”

“Why would he think it was you,” Ville said instead of the obvious, ‘why would he care?’

The sadness vanished from Novak’s face and was replaced with a sick smile. The football captain had that same look when he watched Ville struggling for air.

“That is a very complicated question, but I’m a simple dude. I’m pretty sure you can figure it out.”

Before Ville could reply, the secretary came out of the office with her very official looking clipboard.

“Ville, you can come in now. And…Brandon Novak? What are you doing outside of class?”

Her stern look was nothing to be afraid of. Ville was the biggest loser in the world and not even he took her seriously.

“Just stopping for a rest. Long walk in from the parking lot,” was Novak’s excuse. 

After shooing him down the hallway, she urged Ville to walk into the office. He wasn’t ready for it, but he did what he was told. When the man with the coffee stain on his tie said, “Sit down, son.” Ville kind of wanted to puke.

……

After Ville’s meeting with the principal he was on edge. He told the man the same lie that he had told the nurse, his doctor, his mother, and his brother. He didn’t know who the other boy was, maybe it was even two or three of them. He was very sorry that he wasn’t more help. The man sighed at him and shook his head in disappointment.

“I’m sorry that this happened to you, Ville. If you remember something or you’re afraid that it’s going to happen again, my office is always open.”

He patted Ville’s shoulder warmly before he left. In the distance Ville saw the football player watching the scene. He wanted to yell through the halls that he hadn’t squealed, that he lied his face off, but he knew that would have been a mistake. 

He was jumpy and distracted in all his classes and he was too afraid to walk alone. Brendon wondered why he was so needy, but didn’t mind keeping Ville company. There was a sour feeling in his stomach when Brendon walked him to his locker before his study hall. As scared as he was, Ville hated himself a little for letting Brendon tag along with him. He knew that if Brendon ever got hurt because of Ville’s issues, he never would have forgiven himself. The only thing keeping him away from telling Brendon to fuck off after that was that he knew it would hurt his feelings. Like Ville, Brendon was sensitive. 

The worst part was, Ville didn’t even get to go home after school. The fall concert was coming up and the jazz band had extra rehearsals. The first week back his ribs hurt too bad to play the upright bass, so Mr. Thomas got a bass guitar from his office and let him play that until he was feeling better. The sound in their arrangement was off, but Ville couldn’t tell if it was because of his instrument or that heart wasn’t in it.

The entire ride home from school Brendon kept trying to reassure him.

“Don’t worry, Ville. We’ll be better tomorrow. I swear to you, last year’s jazz band wasn’t half as good as we are.”

If only it were that simple, Ville thought.

When Ville got home, he noticed that there were cars out front and the door was open, so he knew that Jesse was entertaining. Normally he tried to go upstairs whenever Jesse had a friend over, but he was too scared to eat at school so he needed a snack. He kept his eyes down and moved straight to the kitchen, but Jesse intercepted him. 

“Ville, you have to talk to me,” Jesse said in Finnish. Ville looked down and shook his head. He didn’t want to lie again, but he would if his brother made him.

“Look around, Ville. It’s not just me. I won’t be alone when I make this right. You can tell me. I’ll be safe.”

Ville looked up and saw a dozen teenagers in his living room. A few of them waved awkwardly at Ville, but the rest stared at him like he knew the secret to the meaning of life. It made him a little sick that they wanted Ville to tell them who they should hit. 

“I don’t remember, Jesse,” Ville said sadly. 

“That’s bullshit,” Ville heard. He didn’t have to turn around to know who it came from. If it was possible, Ville wanted to die even more. Bam Margera was in his living room, where his mother kept the very best embarrassing pictures, to find out who had beaten Ville up. It was pathetic.

“I really don’t know, okay? I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Ville turned to face Jesse and spoke in rapid fire Finnish that he was sure made the rest of the room uncomfortable.

“I’m tired and I’m hungry and I’m scared, but more than anything, I just want to be alone. Please just tell them to drop this. It’s over, Jesse.”

“No Ville, it’s not.”

The venom in his voice told Ville that his brother wasn’t going to let it go, but he let Ville walk into the kitchen to make his peanut butter sandwich. Ville felt safer after he locked himself in his room.

From his bedroom upstairs, Ville could hear raised voices and occasional laughter. Something ached in his chest knowing that all those boys promised to avenge him on his brother’s word. He wanted to know them, all of them, and be their friend. But he had Brendon. And maybe Brendon was never going to break anybody’s nose for him, but he was going to tell him when his A was flat and his rhythm was off tempo. To Ville, that was better than all the broken noses in the world. 

He was lost thinking about the way Brendon’s fingers traveled over the ivory keys with such ease when there was a knock on the door. He sighed, put out that Jesse would give him just enough time to get comfortable alone and then interrogate him again. When he opened the door, Bam was leaning against the wall with his hands tucked deep in his pockets. 

“The bathroom’s down the hall,” Ville said as he moved to shut the door again.

“We both know I’m not looking for the bathroom.”

Ville sighed again and ran his fingers through his long hair. It was already greasy and he showered that morning. Great, now he had a gap in his teeth, oily skin, and dirty hair, he thought. He was a mess.

“What do you want?”

“I want to know who did that to you.”

Ville closed his eyes and thought of those two boys, what they looked like before they noticed Ville. They were relaxed and happy and turned on. But there was something playful about it that had made it seem like more than a quick way to get off. Ville would never have outed them. True, that jock had left Ville scared, beaten, and emotionally broken, but he had no desire for retaliation. He never wanted anyone to feel the way that he did. It was a cliché maybe, but Ville didn’t believe that violence was the answer.

“It wasn’t Novak,” Ville said, because if he couldn’t tell him who it was, at least he could tell him who it wasn’t.

“He put you up to say that?”

Ville shrugged. “Sort of. But it really wasn’t him.”

Bam nodded his head like he accepted the news.

“There anything I can do to get you to tell me?”

It was a bribe, but there was something dirty about it too. For a brief moment Ville wondered if Bam would kiss him if he told, or jerk him off like one of those boys, or better yet, blow him. His train of thought disgusted him. He already knew he was a loser, but now he was a pervert.

“No. It really doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. It won’t be happening again.”

Bam was opening his mouth to say something else, but before he could, Ville slid back into his room and shut and locked the door behind him. 

……

Two weeks before the first jazz band concert, Ville saw his brother Jesse lifting a twenty out of their mother’s purse. Ville looked at him in total disgust, but kept his mouth shut. After Jesse snuck out of the house for the night, Ville dug into his allowance and put it back. He did it as much for his mother as he did for his brother. He didn’t want his mama to be disappointed in her son. She raised two good boys, Ville thought. He didn’t want Jesse’s stupid mistake to make her question that.

Ville was never sure how he found out what Ville did for him, but as payment for his silence and his money, Jesse left a single joint on Ville’s night stand the next day. It was the closest thing to an apology that he would ever get. Not that Ville really wanted one, but it would have been nice to have a promise that it would never happen again.

The jazz concert was perfect. All the boys were on, though Ville knew that Brendon was the real star. Through the entire performance, Ville watched him. He was pretty sure that Brendon never opened his eyes. 

They were all excited, completely high on the performance, though their audience was few. After the show, Anita dished out hugs to all the boys. Spencer’s friend Ryan looked very uncomfortable, but he accepted it all the same.

When Brendon’s parents came up, Ville didn’t mean to, but he flinched. He was afraid of their reactions. There were no warm hugs.

“You boys play very well,” Mrs. Urie said. The smile she gave after never reached her eyes.

Knowing Brendon, Ville knew what she was really saying. He heard the ‘but it would be better if you were doing this for the lord.’ Still, unlike Ville, Brendon’s smile didn’t fade. He thanked his mother like the proper Mormon boy he pretended to be. They didn’t know it then, but that was the last concert that Mrs. and Mr. Urie would attend.

That night, Ville didn’t want to just go home and go to bed. He took Brendon and they sat inside the empty tool shed in his backyard to avoid the cold. When Ville pulled the joint out of his pocket, Brendon looked away.

“We don’t have to. I just…I thought,” Ville said, thinking he’d read the situation all wrong.

“I want to. I just…I don’t want to move again if we get caught. I like it here. I have friends here,” was Brendon’s explanation.

“No one will ever find out,” Ville promised.

They hot boxed the tool shed and smoked the entire joint together. It probably wasn’t enough to get normal boys high, but Ville and Brendon were tiny and easily influenced. They ended up on the concrete floor laughing about nothing and eating the last of Anita’s cinnamon cookies. In the back of Ville’s head, he wondered if this was what his brother intended to happen. He wondered if Jesse would smile if he saw Ville and Brendon high and stupid together. 

When the initial high passed, things went from giggly and fun, to quiet and tense. Ville leaned in close and studied the profile of Brendon’s face. He was awkward, and his skin was less than perfect, but the line of his jaw made Ville want things. It seemed unbelievable that no one noticed Brendon. Maybe it was because he was always hyper, or because he was forever saying the wrong thing, but Ville found that to be charming. Ville couldn’t help but remember that Brendon said he’d never been kissed. Ville followed the line of Brendon’s jaw with his thumb, and when Brendon didn’t pull away from his touch, Ville leaned in and kissed him. He kept his hand on Brendon’s chin and tipped his head up into the kiss like he had seen in way too many movies. It wasn’t a perfect kiss, but Ville felt good and warm inside when it was over.

“Why did you do that,” Brendon asked several minutes after the kiss.

“It was your first kiss. I wanted to have it,” was Ville’s explanation. 

“I’m gay,” Brendon said, like it hurt to say it.

“I know. I am too, Brendon.”

“I think I might be in love with Spencer,” Brendon admitted, sounding close to tears.

Ville reached out and grabbed Brendon’s hand. He meant it to be a comforting, but Brendon squeezed so hard that it hurt. 

“I know. I sort of figured out that you were in love with him already.”

For a long time they just sat holding hands and not looking at each other. They were tired, and although logically they should have went in the house, Ville didn’t want to move. Together they curled on the cold floor in the tool shed. 

Brendon moved in first. He put his arm around Ville’s back and they held each other tightly, not just for comfort, but because the temperature was dropping rapidly. Ville almost flinched when Brendon’s cold hand fluttered over the small of his back.

“I wish it was you. Things would be so much easier if I was in love with you,” Brendon croaked.

“I know. But we’re better this way, right? We’ll be friends forever now.”

It was silent again and then Brendon laughed nervously. “You’ll always be my first kiss.”

“I’ll be your best,” Ville countered, though he was sure that wasn’t true.

……

It was Jesse that found Brendon and Ville in the shed the next morning. He saw them lying too close to each other, and although Ville could see that in his eyes he was itching to say something, he kept his mouth shut. 

While the boys were sleeping in the shed, Mrs. Urie had called looking for Brendon. Anita bought some time saying he was in the shower, but Ville’s mother was furious when she found out that they spent the night outside of the house.

“Ville! Things aren’t easy for Brendon. What do you think would happen to him if his mother knew he was missing?”

Ville really didn’t want to think about that. All he could come up was Mormon conditioning camps and possibly week long prayer vigils.

“What’s going to happen to me,” Ville asked, using his puppy eyes.

“Grounded for two weeks. No calls to Mige and no having Brendon over.”

Ville slumped in his chair. He knew it would be a long two weeks if his mother could hold on to her principles.

……

The best part about being a complete loser was that it made Christmas shopping a breeze. He had to get gifts for his immediate family, but other than that, the only gifts he had to get were for Brendon and Mrs. and Mr. Urie. He really didn’t know what to get an uptight Mormon family, but his mama told him that he spent enough time at Brendon’s eating cookies and vegetarian meat loaf that he owed the family something. 

For Christmas Jesse got a gently used car, but his parents gave it to him a few weeks early to avoid having to drive him around during the busy holiday weeks. One of the conditions was that he had to drive Ville around when he needed to go somewhere. As soon as they stepped foot in the mall, Jesse abandoned Ville, probably to go flirt with girls in the food court for free coffee and food, Ville thought. He rolled his eyes just thinking about it. Somehow Ville’s accent made him a loser, but Jesse’s made him handsome and mysterious. He was sure that it was a conspiracy.

After wandering around aimlessly trying to shop, Ville ended up in Macy’s picking out perfume for his mother, because that’s what he always got her. His nose itched and he was surrounded by husbands who knew nothing about their wives other than they liked smelling good. Three different people had asked him if they could help him with something. Each time, Ville’s face had been horribly contorted while he fought off a sneeze. He was a total loser.

He was just about to give up and spend too much money on Chanel no. 5 when he felt someone tug on the end of his scarf. Thinking it was Jesse, Ville started swearing and complaining in Finnish without turning around.

“Dude, it doesn’t matter how long I hang out with your brother. I never figure out what you guys are saying. He tried to teach us all how to swear, but it’s too goddamn complicated!”

Ville turned around and blushed when he saw it was Bam.

“Apologies,” Ville said, and then he wanted to kick himself. Why couldn’t he just say ‘sorry’ like everybody else?

“No problem. Actually, your brother sent me over to find you. He sort of hit it off with the girl who works at Starbucks, so he’s going to take her out for coffee to get to know her.”

Ville shook his head.

“Your brother is officially the biggest loser in the world. He’s taking a girl who works at a coffee place to another coffee place. That’s lame.”

Ville wanted to argue that no one was lamer than he was, but he thought it would be useless to point that out, considering his own brother stood him up at the mall. His daddy was driving the cab already and his mother had another few hours left at the hospital. He was desperately trying to remember the bus schedule so he could get home.

“Anyway, Jess and I were about ready to go, so Jess said he’d give you a lift home. Are you almost done?”

Ville looked at the bottle of Chanel again. He should have just bought it for his mother, but it was so impersonal that he couldn’t bring himself to do it. There were still two weeks before Christmas anyway, he figured he had time to come up with something better.

“I’m ready.’

“You sure? You don’t have any bags.”

Ville shrugged. “It’s not what she would want anyway.”

“Girlfriend or mother?”

Ville blushed to his hair line and avoided Bam’s eyes, instead looking at the hundreds of smudged fingerprints on the glass counter.

“My mother.”

“Ah. I always get my mother a cook book. I think I bought her the same one three years in a row and she never said nothing. Don’t think about it too hard, they don’t give a shit what you get them, as long as you get them something.”

Ville nodded and followed Bam out of the store. Maybe it was that easy for Bam, but Ville was a mama’s boy. 

The ride home was awkward. The music was too loud and Jess drove like he was trying to die. Bam sang loud and out of tune and banged his hand against the dashboard off tempo. It irritated Ville, he was a classically trained musician and he had a perfect ear. 

“Bam, will you shut the fuck up? He’s not used to you, alright? You’re going to give the kid a headache.”

Bam stopped tapping and only groaned slightly when Jess turned the radio down.

“I should shut the fuck up? He hangs out with that Brendon kid who never shuts up. He should be used to it.”

Ville curled his hands up into fists. A better person would have defended their friend, but Ville couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth. He hated that no one understood Brendon. And yeah, Ville thought Brendon was a little much sometimes, but he was his best friend. Brendon was great!

“Ignore him, Ville,” Jess said as he completely missed a stop sign. Ville pointed at the sign and closed his eyes as they coasted by. Bam turned around in his seat and laughed.

“Jess, he’s too busy worrying that you’re going to kill him. Besides, he knows Brendon’s annoying. Is it true that he’s in a cult?”

Instead of answering, Ville looked out the window. Mormonism wasn’t a cult to Ville’s knowledge, though to be honest he wasn’t completely sure. The Uries were the only Mormons he ever met. 

“Quit being a dick, Bam. Do you want him to ask where Novak spent last summer?”

“Fuck no. That’s nobody’s business.”

Jess smiled at Ville in the rear view mirror. “Exactly. Now turn around and shut up.”

For the rest of the ride Ville kept his eyes closed and a strong hand on his seat belt. He was relieved when the car came to a screeching stop in front of his house.

“Got you here in one piece, just like Jesse asked. Tell him he owes me one. Should be bros before ho’s, right?”

Ville nodded half-heartedly. “Thank you for the ride.”

He shut the door a little harder than he should have before he ran up the driveway. He made sure that the car was driving away before he stuck his hand into the planter to get the spare key. 

He was in the house for exactly twenty seconds before the house phone rang.

“Did Jess Margera just drop you off at home? That’s so cool!”

Ville loved that Brendon never said hello. But when he thought about Brendon, he cringed. Just a few moments ago, Bam had talked badly about Brendon. Ville hated that he didn’t do anything about it. 

“Not so cool. Jesse left me at the mall and had his friend drive me home.”

“Still, that’s pretty cool. Spencer said that CKY just finished their demo. Did he play it in the car? Did you hear it?”

Ville wasn’t sure what he heard other than racket and a badly played drum solo from Bam on the dashboard of a destroyed van. 

“No. What are you doing looking out the window at my house anyway? It’s weird.”

Brendon laughed and Ville could hear him pushing the blinds back to look again. Ville smiled and went to the picture window so he could stare back.

“I have to write a paper for church and it’s boring. My mom won’t let me out of my room until I finish. I’m not even supposed to be on the phone right now.”

Maybe Bam was right, it did sort of sound like a cult, Ville thought.

“Well hurry up. Charlie Brown Christmas is on tonight and mama said she’d bring home baklava.”

The blinds immediately closed and the line went dead. Apparently Brendon was just as excited as Ville was. They were both complete losers. But just thinking that made Ville’s stomach ache. Brendon wasn’t really a loser. He was a great person and he was nice. If Bam said terrible things about Brendon, Ville could only imagine what was said about him in that van once he wasn’t in it anymore.

As big as his crush on Bam Margera was, he started wondering if it was worth it. He was beautiful, and Ville had seen enough clips on you tube to know that he was funny and crazy, but was he a good person? He wasn’t in love with Brendon, not in a romantic way, but he kept wondering if he could force himself into believing that he was. Ville could be happy with Brendon if he tried hard enough, right?

Just then, the phone rang. 

“Can I stay over your house tonight? I forgot to take my medicine today and I’m all hyper. If I have baklava, I’m going to be off the wall. My mom will be mad if she finds out that I forgot to take my pill and that your mom gives me lots of baklava.”

Ville closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Brendon’s jittery hand would look like folded inside his as they watched Charlie Brown. He almost laughed. They were great friends, but they’d never work out as boyfriends.

“You can always stay here,” Ville said, because it was true. Brendon would always have a place with him, even if they weren’t going to be lovers.

**Chapter Three**

Three weeks before Valentine’s day, Ryan found Spencer a girlfriend. Or to be honest, Ryan convinced one of his old girlfriends that Spencer was a really great catch. Spencer was embarrassed by the whole thing, and in retaliation, went two days without talking to Ryan (the previous record had been fourteen hours).

In school Brendon tried his best to be excited about Spencer’s new girlfriend, but Ville knew better. He was crushed knowing that Spencer was more unobtainable than ever before.  
Ville reasoned that Haley seemed like a nice girl; she had cute shoes, her laugh wasn’t annoying, and she didn’t mind eating lunch in the art room with Brendon, Spencer and Ville. There was always something that kept Ville from liking her, though. It probably had to do with the sour look on Brendon’s face the first time she kissed Spencer on the cheek in public. Brendon’s didn’t show any obvious sign of jealousy or disappointment, but Ville knew better. Sometimes it felt like he knew Brendon better than Brendon knew himself.

To put it simply, Spencer Smith broke Brendon’s heart without even trying. Ville was left to pick up the pieces while Brendon claimed that nothing was really wrong. It was a hard line to toe; on the one hand Brendon needed Ville to be there for him, but on the other, he didn’t want to talk about it. Ville had to be creative when it came to asking questions about how Brendon was feeling. 

Luckily they didn’t have too much time for Brendon to linger over the fact that Spencer wasn’t available. They had a two week break coming up and every teacher had assigned papers, tests, and projects that had to be done before the vacation. The jazz band was working on creating an original arrangement for the chorus and Ryan and Brendon fought relentlessly over the bridge. Normally Brendon was an easy going guy and would submit to suggestion just a little too easily. Ville had his suspicions that Brendon disagreed with Ryan out of spite. Ryan Ross gave Spencer away to a girl; it made sense that Brendon wanted to take him down a notch. 

Valentine’s Day was a Friday and their high school hosted a dance that everybody was going to. Even Jesse, who was sometimes too cool for things, agreed to take the girl he met at Starbucks. She wasn’t even a student at their high school and she was going. It made Ville a little sad that he wouldn’t be there. 

On the night of the dance Ville and Brendon sat at opposite ends of Ville’s couch tossing conversation hearts into each other’s mouths. Ville had epically bad aim, so the floor behind Brendon was littered with phrases like ‘be mine’ and ‘marry me’ and ‘I love you.’

Just before eight, Jesse came down in the nicest set of clothes that he owned with his hair neatly tied back. He looked nice, Ville thought, but he’d be damned if he said that to his brother. 

“Are you seriously just going to sit on the couch all night,” Jesse asked them.

Ville shrugged after a rogue heart bounced off his nose.

“You guys are so lame. Everyone is going to think that you two are…”

Ville knew what was coming. He knew that his brother was going to say gay. Before he could, his mother stepped in and whacked his Jesse on the back of the head.

“Be nice, son. Brendon’s a guest in this house. Besides, you should be nicer to your brother.”

Jesse rolled his eyes and posed for his mother’s camera.

“He’s not a guest. He practically lives here,” Jesse said. “And I’ll be nicer to him when he goes out and gets a life. He should be thanking me.”

Ville flipped his brother off and changed the channel. It seemed like every station was running a movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Eventually the two of them just went upstairs and played Halo until they got tired of killing things.

“Ville? Ville, are you awake?”

Ville had just gotten to sleep when Brendon woke him up.

“I am now.”

“Oh. Sorry. It’s just…are you sad that we didn’t go to the dance? I mean, I know we didn’t have dates or whatever, but it’s not like that’s a requirement. I mean, lots of girls said that they were going with their friends. We could have gone with Ryan and Spencer and just hung out, right?”

They could have, Ville supposed. But at the end of the day every jock and asshole boy would have made a joke about Brendon and Ville being there _together._ Ville wasn’t ready for that kind of teasing. The fight he had with the captain of the football team was months ago, but still fresh in his mind.

“I bet it wasn’t fun anyway, Brendon.”

Brendon nodded, but he didn’t look satisfied. “I just kind of want to know what Spencer was wearing, and if Ryan danced with other girls. And I want to know if Jesse and his girlfriend had a good time. I just…I hate feeling like I missed out on something.”

Ville understood that. He felt like he missed out on things all the time.

“Yeah. But you know what, nobody else at school got to kick my ass at Halo. Only you got to do that.”

Ville couldn’t be sure, but he thought that maybe he made Brendon smile.

Ville got to sleep for about two hours before Brendon woke him up again. The second time it was physically. Distantly Ville felt the sheets pulling away from his body and then warm skin against his own. He made an annoyed sound, but Brendon shushed him.

“I know. I know we’re not in love, or together, and that it’s not even Valentine’s Day anymore, but I just…I need this.”

Ville was a little scared about what Brendon needed. He had kissed Brendon months ago, but that was where it ended. Ville was generally horny and sort of a pervert, but he was smart enough to know that he wasn’t ready to have sex yet, least of all with Brendon. 

Ville was relieved when Brendon laid his head down and just curled his body close to Ville’s. If Anita walked in on them in the morning, they were sure to be in trouble. Ville had been given strict orders not to fool around with Brendon, but even under the threat of being in trouble and his mother‘s disappointment, Ville couldn’t tell Brendon to leave. It felt good being close to someone else, even if he wasn’t in love with them. 

……

For Valentine ’s Day, Ville’s father bought his mother a romantic weekend away in Philadelphia. It was nothing extravagant, but it was time away from their routine and children. It made Ville feel like a baby and a burden when he realized that he didn’t want his parents to go. At heart, Ville would always be his mother’s little boy. It made him lame, and a loser, and so many other cliché things, but at least he could admit it to himself, he thought. 

Ville had sat on his mother’s bed while she packed for the trip. He knew it was stupid, but he just liked getting to spend time with her. Sometimes Ville was jealous of the hospital. It felt like the only way he could get his mother’s attention was if he was bleeding from the eyes. So just sitting quietly while she folded sweaters and repacked her makeup bag over and over again seemed like an opportunity too good to miss.

She kept telling him about what he should and shouldn’t do and what to do if Jesse wasn’t treating him right. There would be money for pizza on the table and numbers to call in an emergency. 

His mother never flat out said ‘don’t have a party,’ But Ville figured that was because she knew better. Ville didn’t know enough people to make a party. It depressed him a little that his mother didn’t have to give conventional speeches to him.

“I’ve already talked to Jesse. He knows that you’re going to be my eyes and ears around here.”

When she leaned in to kiss his forehead, Ville closed his eyes. He was relaxed by the scent of her perfume, the one he had bought her for Christmas. But even as he had that moment with her, he couldn’t completely enjoy it. Ville knew that as soon as their car left the driveway, the pizza money would be used to buy a keg and the rule about Jesse’s girlfriend not spending the night would go right out the window. 

“We’ll be fine, mama. I promise,” Ville lied. 

……

In exchange for his silence, Ville and Brendon were permitted to stay for Jesse’s party. Ville knew better though, he knew that Jesse just wanted someone sober there just in case things got out of control. 

Ville didn’t like anything about the party. It was exhausting trying to fit in. After the third person tried to make out in Ville’s mother’s bedroom, Ville parked his ass on the stairs and played gatekeeper, gauging who really had to go to the bathroom and who wanted to stain his mother’s bed sheets. 

Brendon sat with him on the stairs to watch the party. Earlier they had looked at the amber liquid in plastic red cups wearily. Brendon took a sip but couldn’t finish it. Ville didn’t have the guts to try. 

“We’re such losers,” Brendon said, resting his head on Ville’s shoulder. Ville didn’t worry what they looked like, no one was paying attention to them unless they were actually going up the stairs, and those that were, were generally too drunk to care what Ville was doing. 

“I know. Maybe we should go to your house for the night, because this really isn’t fun. Besides, your mother might like me more if she knows that I don’t want to spend the night unsupervised.”

Brendon stiffened at those words. “She uh, she doesn’t know. If she did she wouldn’t let me come over. And she’d…well, she’d probably judge your mom for leaving you and Jesse alone. I just…I don’t want her to think that way about her. Your mother is so nice to me…even when I don’t deserve it.”

“You always deserve it, Brendon.”

As if on cue, an inebriated girl with a nose ring dropped to her knees on the stairs and vomited right in front of them, narrowly missing Brendon’s new shoes.

“I’m not cleaning that up,” Ville said exasperated.

“We need to move. I…God, I’ll get sick too. I can’t smell it…”

After that they sat on the couch and glared at Jesse until he started mopping up a stranger’s puke. 

……

Ville was starting to feel like Jesse’s party was getting out of control, but he was too scared to tell the large man punching the wall to stop, or god forbid, call the police. His parents would have been disappointed that he let the party begin in the first place.

He sighed and gave Jesse a pleading look, but Jesse shrugged his shoulders.

“We’ll fix it tomorrow, Ville. It’ll all be worth it. This party is going to be legendary. I’m going to be a legend!”

Maybe he would, Ville thought. But Ville had a hard time taking his brother seriously when he was drinking warm Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the mug that Ville painted Anita for her birthday. Still, even if Jesse was a mess, there was absolutely no way that Ville could talk back to him. Ville lacked the confidence necessary to stand up for himself, even when he was positive that he was right.

Ville had been successful in avoiding everybody but Brendon at the party, but at some point the rest of the party started slipping onto the couch with them. It was alright at first when it was just Jess Margera, because Ville was already familiar with him. Even if he was older and smoother than Ville, he was always nice to him when he came over to see Jesse. Plus, he kept asking Ville if he was doing alright, and for some silly reason that made him feel safe. Jess was holding a conversation about time signatures with Brendon when Ville started to let himself think that maybe parties weren’t so bad after all. 

A moment later, he realized that he thought too soon.

He had just gotten up the nerve to tell Jess Margera an embarrassing story about Jesse. It was a good story, Ville thought. Months ago, when he told it to Brendon, Brendon had laughed so hard that he cried. Jess was hanging onto every word about the time that Jesse rode his bike through the glass window of The Sex Shop in Helsinki, but unfortunately, Ville got distracted. His voice trailed off when he saw Bam Margera out of the corner of his eye. 

Bam Margera slipped into the room with too many people following him. He was drunk, and loud, achingly beautiful, and Ville was more than a little afraid of him. The story died on Ville’s tongue when the volume in the room became overwhelming. Ville didn’t have the courage to speak loud enough for so many people to hear him. 

Jess started pressing Ville to continue the story the same moment that Ville saw Bam lean in and kiss the boy sitting on the end of the couch. He couldn’t help it, Ville sucked in a gasp. If Ville had done that, one of the boys at Jesse’s party would have probably knocked his skull in with a beer bottle, Ville thought. His face flushed with shame and it only got worse when he realized that Jess Margera was looking at him.

“Jesus, Bam. Do you always have to make a scene,” Jess asked over Ville’s head. 

“I’ll kiss all of these mother-fuckers! I don’t care.”

Next to Ville, Jess rolled his eyes. “He gets like this sometimes. You might want to leave.”

Ville did want to, he _really_ did, but the coffee table was blocking him from an easy exit. Unless he literally crawled on top of Jess or Brendon, he was stuck, and Ville didn’t have the confidence to invade Jess’ space or to touch Brendon in public. 

Two more boys got kissed with loud laughter and mock disgust. They weren’t short pecks on the lips, either; they were lingering and probing. Shockingly enough, Ville saw those boys parting their lips for Bam’s advances. It seemed more like something that would come out of one of Ville’s dirty dreams than a reality. 

“It’s not gay, dude. I just like making out,” Bam said to the first guy to protest. Ville was worried for him when Bam didn’t stop. Thankfully the boy didn’t hit Bam, but when he shoved him off with a laugh, Bam tumbled onto Brendon’s lap.

“Mmm…the church mouse. This might be fun,” Ville heard Bam slur.

A better friend would have stopped him. Maybe Ville should have grabbed Bam’s shoulder and told him everything that his mother had ever told him about Brendon; that his parents didn’t understand him, that Brendon was _special,_ but most of all you had to be careful with him. Somehow Ville didn’t think that Bam would really care about that, so he did nothing.

Instead Ville watched in horror as Bam kissed Brendon long and deep. There was a little growling whine that escaped from them. There was too much noise going on in the room for Ville to distinguish which boy had made it, but when Bam pulled back, Ville saw the deep blush on Brendon’s face and the way he touched his lips. Brendon was scared and a little amazed. Bam had made the sound, Ville decided. Better yet, kissing Brendon had caused Bam to make that sound.

Ville was thinking too much, because he wasn’t alert and aware when Bam Margera crawled onto his lap. Ville had had this dream before, only in the dream Jess Margera wasn’t sitting next to him telling Bam to knock it off. To be fair, sometimes Brendon was there…but well, Brendon was in a lot of Ville’s dreams. He was one of the few boys that Ville had seen without his shirt on outside of pornography (and he really liked how Brendon looked without his shirt).

Bam was stroking Ville’s hair and smiling at him. “Scarecrow, I think I’ll like you best of all,” he said.

Ville stopped breathing and closed his eyes. If Bam really was going to kiss him, they were going to do it proper. Ville just hoped that Bam would like kissing him as much as he liked kissing Brendon. Alright, he was a little bit competitive; he wanted Bam to like him better. Later he admitted to himself that he wanted to be the last boy that Bam would ever kiss.

He was braced and ready for it with his hands on Bam’s strong thighs, enjoying the feel of Bam leaning in toward him, when Ville heard a loud whistle. 

Ville opened his eyes. The entire room was looking at something but Ville couldn’t see what it was. The side of Bam’s face was blocking Ville’s line of sight.

“Get up,” Ville heard gruffly.

When nothing happened, he heard it again.

“I said get up.”

Eventually it was Jess that stood. Ville felt awkward and just a little scared when Jess Margera picked his little brother up from Ville’s lap. 

“This is a party and it’s supposed to be fun. But it’s going to stop being fun when you fuck around with my brother. You got me?”

Ville shut his eyes when the full impact of what was happening hit him. Jesse, his brother, was telling Bam not to play with him in front of a room full of his peers. He wanted to sink into the couch cushions and get lost with the loose change and missing socks.

“I was fucking around with everybody,” Bam slurred in a pathetic voice.

“And that’s fine, but Ville’s different, okay? Leave him alone or I’ll rethink my hospitality.”

If it had been one of Ville’s dreams, Bam would have protested and admitted that he had honorable intentions for Ville. But he was reminded that he was very much awake when Bam just shrugged and said, “whatever, I need another beer anyway.”

Apparently the rest of the room agreed with him. Ville could feel people shifting and moving around him. He didn’t open his eyes again until the room was silent and the only three people in the room were Ville, Brendon, and Jesse.

“I’m sorry, Ville. I’m really sorry,” Jesse said to him. Still, Ville kind of wanted to cry out of embarrassment.

“It’s okay. Nothing happened,” he forced himself to say to Jesse. “It was just a joke.”

“Yeah. Maybe it was. But you’re my brother and you’re not a joke,” Jesse said a bit too soberly. 

Ville nodded his head and let his brother go back to his guests. 

When they were alone again, Brendon reached over and squeezed Ville’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Ville. He just…he kissed me and I couldn’t stop it. And I know that it wasn’t supposed to happen, and I promise it wasn’t good at all. He tasted like beer and Cheez-itz, and you know I hate Cheez-itz. And I just…I don’t want you to hate me.”

Ville squeezed his hand back. “Of course I don’t hate you. Why would I care?” He tried to make his voice sound bored, but after Jesse’s speech he was a little too bruised inside to act.

“I…I just know. I remember after…after the concert. I told you about me, and how…how it’s Spencer for me. You didn’t say anything, but I knew. It’s him for you, and I just kissed him. I’m the worst best friend in the entire world!”

Ville smiled and dropped his head on Brendon’s shoulder. “You’re not the worst friend in the world.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes, up until Ville heard glass shattering.

“I’m too tired to be responsible. Let’s just go to bed.”

They hurried up the stairs and into Ville’s room. When they got there two girls were kissing unashamed in Ville’s bed. They were very polite when Ville asked them to leave.

That night Ville held Brendon through the cops coming to shut down Jesse’s party, through the sound of people sneaking back into the house, and through the sounds of Jesse fucking his girlfriend through the thin wall that separated Ville’s room from Jesse’s.

“I’m sorry that Jesse stopped him. Maybe…maybe Bam would have known that it was you if he kissed you,” Brendon said when things finally got quiet.

“It’s just a crush,” Ville said, trying so hard to believe it.

“Sure. It’s a crush now, but if he knew how perfect you were, maybe you could…”

Ville cleared his throat and pulled Brendon so close to him that Brendon winced in pain.

“I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”

And to Brendon’s credit, he didn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. Brendon was chatty at all times, so Ville could tell that he put in effort not to speak. He fidgeted a little, but with Ville’s long arm weighing down on him, eventually he settled into sleep. 

……

True to Jesse’s words, he did become a legend. So many things happened at his party that the school talked about it all the way through April vacation. Sometimes Ville would hear strangers in the hallway offering to send his mama and daddy on another weekend away just for the opportunity again. 

Ville was a good brother and refused to be a rat. When his parents asked him what happened after hearing from the neighbors that the police were called, Ville lied his face off. Instead he mentioned that Jesse had a few boys over to watch a football game and that he and Brendon were practicing just a little too loud. His mother, forever believing that he was an angelic boy, believed him. As payment, Jesse left a pack of cigarettes, two joints, and a bag of cookies on his nightstand.

Ville wondered if it was okay to kiss Brendon again if they were high. 

……

Sometimes Brendon would try to talk about the way that Ville felt about Bam, but Ville always begged him to shut up. When they were in public, Brendon wasn’t even allowed to say Bam’s name. 

Just because Ville didn’t talk about him didn’t mean that he wasn’t thinking about him. 

A few days after the party, Ville ran into Bam in the most embarrassing of places, the restroom. Pissing in public always made Ville nervous. Not only did he not want anyone to look at his body, he was always hyperaware of other people. He never wanted anyone to assume that he was looking, even if he never would have had the courage to do so.

The casual way that Bam unzipped his fly and said, “what’s up, man” made Ville jealous. He wanted to be that normal. 

“Um..not much,” Ville mumbled. 

Inside, he was praying that Bam wasn’t making a dick joke. His face went scarlet red just at the idea.

“Crazy party last week, huh? Your brother’s fucking insane.”

“He is crazy,” Ville said, trying to hurry up. 

Bam started listing off different things that did and didn’t happen while Ville zipped up his jeans and turned to wash his hands. 

“So…is your friend Brendon cool? Jess sort of laid into me for kissing him. It’s just something I do when I’m drunk, you know?”

Ville nodded his head, but of course he didn’t know. The only person he had ever kissed was Brendon. 

“Had a near miss with you too, huh? I thought Jesse was going to snap my neck like a twig.”

Ville opened his mouth to say something, but before he could make a sound, Brandon Novak walked into the bathroom and high-fived Bam. Ville shuddered when he realized that Bam hadn’t washed his hands yet.

The moment was over, though. Novak was already telling Bam some story about a girl that he fingered under the bleachers in gym class. Novak was looking at Ville like he didn’t belong and Bam wasn’t looking at him at all.

Ville felt like a complete reject. He practically ran out of the bathroom and back to his math class.

After that, Ville started pissing in the stalls when he was at school. It was disgusting, and people probably thought he was an insecure freak, but at least he didn’t have to make casual conversation with his dick out ever again.

……

A few weeks before the end of the year, the school held a talent show. Normally Ville would have written it off as a popularity contest, but his sadistic jazz band instructor decided to make the boys perform in it. Ville wanted to drop out of school when he heard him announce the assignment.

“Everybody in the class will get an A if you guys win. Even you, Mr. Ross.”

The instructor glared at Ryan when he said it. Ryan was a decent guitarist, but he was sloppy in his theory and had a spotty attendance record.

Ville was a little bitter about the bribe. He and Brendon had worked hard on papers and theory, and excusing the few days where Ville was out of commission from his fight, he had attended every day of school.

“Put it this way, if you can convince a bunch of lazy misguided teenagers that jazz is cool, you boys deserve to get an A.”

Ville didn’t say anything, but he attended the extra practices and agreed to the dress code of black on black. They would wear black slacks, black shirts, and skinny black ties. Ville hated that Ryan Ross always got to choose their uniforms.

…….

Ville didn’t say a word to his parents about the talent show, but his brother was a cruel boy. After Ville had made a smart comment about not seeing Jesse in the lunch room at school that day, Jesse threw him under the bus.

“Maybe you were busy practicing for that talent show you’re in, Ville. You’ve been very dedicated.”

His parents were elated. They agreed to sell tickets for the school, his daddy put a sign on the side of his cab, and they convinced the entire neighborhood to attend. Ville couldn’t believe that he would be up in front of so many friends and strangers performing a mediocre version of a Miles Davis medley. 

The talent show was considerably worse than Ville ever anticipated. They were on close to the end, which meant that the entire jazz band had to hang out backstage until it was over. They were forced to listen to girls butcher Christina Aguilera songs, garage bands imitating Nirvana, and last - but never least - they had to endure a very strange boy do a sketch comedy skit with his grandmother’s pet parrot. Ville was pretty sure that he was in hell when it was announced that the girl who had been making cow eyes at Jesse for the past few months was going to sing ‘I Will Always Love You.’

By the time it was their turn, Ville was actually nervous. The crowd had already put up with a considerable amount of terrible music. And while the jazz band as a whole was good, he wasn’t quite sure that it was something that they wanted to hear. But as soon as they stepped onstage, there was a cacophony of claps and whistles. It was confusing for Ville. Nobody in the jazz band was popular, that was sort of the point. But when Ville looked out beyond the blinding lights, he swore under his breath and turned bright red. Halfway down the center aisle, Ville’s parents, neighbors, hairdresser, hell - even that man who fixed the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom the week before, were standing and clapping. And Jesse, surrounded by all his friends (Bam Margera included), was clapping loudest of all. If he wasn’t so sure that Ryan would have killed him for ruining his outfit, Ville would have puked all over himself. 

Luckily the medley went off without a hitch. It would have been all the more embarrassing if Jesse had dragged everybody out and Ville sucked. When the last few notes were still lingering in the air, Ville found himself proud of their performance. 

Brendon was of course elated by their reception. Ville didn’t have the heart to tell him that the noise was from Jesse being evil, not on their merit.

“I told you that we were going to be awesome. We’re awesome, right?”

Just before Ville could assure him that they were great, Spencer broke in. “Of course we were awesome. You were better than ever tonight. I swear you were channeling Thelonius Monk or something out there.”

Brendon’s eyes were practically in the shape of hearts as Spencer complimented him, and all Ville could do was scoff. Brendon’s style was nothing like Monk’s. If Ville had to compare him to anyone, it would have been Art Tatum. Monk was too much of a free spirit. While Brendon was off the wall in every other situation, it was different when he was playing. When he sat in front of a piano, he was in control. There was still a sense of playfulness, but not the kind of abandon that was in Monk’s free form jazz. 

“Thanks! Yeah, wow, what a compliment. You were great too. Is your mom here? Did she come see us?”

Before Spencer answered him, Haley, Spencer’s pretty blonde girlfriend walked up wearing a proper ‘little black dress.’ When her arms slid around Spencer’s neck, Brendon had to take a physical step back. Ville scowled at her, but fortunately no one was paying attention to him.

“Nah. She had to work tonight,” Spencer said. And although he slipped his hand to the small of Haley’s back, he never took his eyes off Brendon. 

After that it was deathly quiet. The look on Brendon’s face told Ville that he was trying to come up with something else to say, but couldn’t find it. The girlfriend put the final nail in the coffin.

“Does that mean that we have your place to ourselves?”

Brendon deflated and Ville did so with him. More than anything, Ville wanted to leave, but instead they had to sit and wait for the results, though Ville knew that they didn’t have a chance in hell of winning. He had his money on the band that did the cover of the Ah Ha song. They keyboardist was fantastic and the song was modernized just enough to be relevant. 

He was just about to suggest that they should just forget about the consequences and take off when a crowd of people surrounded them. All Ville wanted to do was hug Brendon with a little privacy, and instead he had his family and his brother’s stupid friends congratulating them on a piece that Brendon could have played in his sleep. After his mother hugged him, he leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Hug Brendon. He needs it.”

Anita didn’t let go of Brendon for the entire time it took Ville to explain that yes he played the bass, no he wasn’t in a band, and no, he really didn’t want to start up a band. Ville couldn’t keep his eyes off Brendon as he talked to everyone. Brendon looked betrayed and Ville wanted to do something to wipe it off his face. 

He knew that at home there was a joint hidden in his sock drawer. Maybe that would take their minds off of what happened, he thought. Maybe they could kiss and not talk and pretend that it was what they really wanted. 

Ville was shocked out of his daydream when the jazz ensemble was declared the winner. When Ville glared at his brother, all he could say was, “It’s good to be a legend.”

Ville was halfway out of the school when someone yanked hard on his shoulder. Ville had his other arm around Brendon’s waist, so they sort of bumped into each other. When Ville turned around, he was shocked to see Bam Margera looking at him.

“You were really good tonight,” he said. 

Ville nodded. He was a little embarrassed to be seen holding on so tight to Brendon, but at that moment, he couldn’t imagine letting go of him. It felt like Ville was the only thing holding him together.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Ville stood there dumb for a moment, just looking at Bam and holding onto Brendon. But before Ville could say anything else, Brandon Novak ran down the hallway and gave Bam a wet willy. Bam was too distracted trying to crack a few of Novak’s ribs to care what Ville might have said next, so Ville turned to leave without saying goodbye.

That night when Brendon and Ville crawled into the back of his daddy’s cab, Ville wondered why all those people went along with who Jesse told them to vote for. His brother was an asshole. But more than that, Bam Margera was a jerk. It wasn’t his fault, not really, Ville supposed. But the way that Bam showed up in Ville’s life at random intervals to give him hope and something to look forward to was really inconvenient.

Even when he should have been on top of the world, Ville felt like a disgrace. Life was hard. 

……

For a few days after the talent show, things were awkward with Brendon. 

That night, not only had Brendon’s parents refused to show up to support him, he got first-hand knowledge that his crush was going to sleep with his girlfriend. That alone seemed like too much for one boy’s shoulders to handle.

Together they sat on lawn chairs in the tool shed and smoked Ville’s last joint from Jesse’s party. It wasn’t as strong as the first one they shared, but they were brilliantly buzzed and together. That was all Ville really wanted. 

Eventually they started kissing, because there was only so long that two mostly grown boys could stare at a dirty window in silence. Ville loved the way that Brendon kissed; it reminded him a lot of the way that Brendon played the piano. 

They were both hard, and although Ville was controlled enough to keep his hips deadly still, occasionally Brendon would rock forward to remind them both of what state they were in. 

Ville had a nervous sick feeling like Brendon was asking for something, or maybe even needed something from him. Ville wasn’t really interested in changing their relationship, but Ville thought if Brendon couldn’t have Spencer and he couldn’t have Bam, that maybe they could have each other. He cautiously slid his hand down to Brendon’s belt, and instead of the protest he thought he would hear, he heard a needy whine. With permission granted, he kept going. He unbuckled the belt, popped the button on his jeans, and slipped the zipper down. He got as far as having his hand over Brendon’s erection before he heard the choke.

Brendon was crying.

“Fuck,” Ville hissed, pulling his hand away as fast as he could. All Brendon did was shake his head.

“No. No, just…keep going. Keep going. Please? It feels good.”

Ville shook his head, and instead, pulled Brendon down so he was lying on top of him. It was supposed to feel more than good, Ville thought. 

If it was any other moment Ville would have been celebrating the fact that he had a boy on top of him with his pants open, but it was not the time. Instead Ville stroked over Brendon’s shoulders as Brendon valiantly tried to hold back sobs.

“Shhh…I’m sorry. I just…I didn’t understand what you wanted. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Brendon shook his head, and for a brief moment, Ville thought that he had done something that he could never fix. He couldn’t imagine what his life would have been like if Brendon wasn’t his best friend.

“I wanted it. I still do. It’s just that you’re…”

“I’m not Spencer,” Ville said a little sadly.

“Not just that. You’re…you’re Ville. And I can’t. Sometimes I want it, but I know that what we have is better than that. I love you more than Spencer. I promise. You’re the only person in the entire world who has ever liked me without medication or because God told them to. Just…”

Ville just shushed him and kept rubbing his back. 

After that, things were a little raw. With everything out in the open, there was nothing left to be imagined. They both thought of each other, probably fantasized about each other while jerking off, but they knew that what they had was more important. Not even knowing that Brendon loved him more than anyone could make him meet his eyes, at least not for the rest of the weekend. 

……

Two days before the end of the school year, Ville found himself crying at school again. No one hit him that time, but he’d never been so unhappy in his life.

To start with, when he walked into the building, Jenn, the irritating girl with the locker next to Ville’s had a boy pressed up against it and was making out. It had happened before. She was always fairly polite about it. When he asked her to move, she would groan, then slide down a few lockers, never pulling her mouth away. He was tired that morning, so he didn’t even notice her partner until she was pushed away by the boy. 

Bam’s eyes never looked bluer than when he was staring Ville down.

“Sorry,” Jenn tried to say, though she had never apologized before.

“You’re not sorry. Quit lying,” Bam said as he pulled her back. Instead of moving so Ville could get into his locker, Bam stayed still. “He doesn’t mind,” Bam sneered. They started kissing in a way that almost looked to be for show. Ville couldn’t bring himself to watch.

He left his history homework in his locker rather than embarrassing himself again. Through the whole morning, Ville couldn’t help but think how different Bam looked kissing that girl than he did at the party. He tried to remember that Bam was drunk and not himself, but it looked like he enjoyed himself more with Brendon than he did with Jenn. He got an erection in his English class thinking back to the way Bam was passed around by so many boys. 

After English, Ville tripped in the hallway heading to his dreaded home economics class. Home economics was always the low point of his day. He was the only boy in the class, which was humiliating enough, but to make it worse, most of the girls in the class treated him like a pet. They spent a majority of their time asking him how to say words in Finnish. Plus, Ville fucking hated wearing an apron. With his long hair, the apron made him look even more like a girl.

The icing on the cake came during lunch. Everybody was talking about what they were going to do for the summer. Ville had already promised his mother that he would volunteer at the hospital since he wasn’t really old enough to be working yet. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but he was delighted by the idea that he could have lunch with his mother when he went. Spencer was talking about spending a few weeks with his Grandmother in Chicago, which sounded alright, all things considered. Ryan admitted that he would probably spend most of the summer smoking weed and writing in his journal that no one else was allowed to look in. And then, with no emotion on his face, Brendon said he was going to Mormon camp in Utah, like it was obvious or something.

Distantly, Ville remembered Brendon coming to him that first day after he got home from camp. He had said that he hated it and Ville had never thought to ask why. Later he would hear bits and pieces about how Brendon sometimes had to go into towns and malls and hand out pamphlets that advised conversion to the Mormon faith. He had to wear a cheap suit and pretend to be happy and devout. The truth was that Brendon questioned nearly every element of his religion and he lied about it. Ville didn’t understand why he would ever go back.

Then, selfishly it hit him that he would be spending the entire summer alone in a city that he hated. There were a thousand things he wanted to say at the art table, but he knew that they would all hurt Brendon. He would say them all later, when they would be alone, and where it would be alright for Brendon to cry as long as Jesse wasn’t home. 

Funny enough, it was Ville that cried. It was the last period of the day and he couldn’t hold it in for another second. He kept thinking about those first few miserable weeks where all he could do was call Mige and tell him how much he wanted to go home. By Christmas, he was only calling Mige every other week and most of the time they were hard pressed to find anything to talk about. They were drifting apart, and as much as Ville hated that, it was their reality. 

Ville was still red faced and blotchy when he met up with Brendon after class. When asked about it, Ville shrugged. “Asthma attack. Don’t tell my mother.”

Brendon froze next to Ville as they approached his locker and Ville dreaded looking up to find out why. Once again, Bam’s back was pressed up against his locker while Jenn leaned in against him. As much as he wanted to avoid them, Ville couldn’t show up without his history homework two days in a row no matter how close it was to the end of the year.

As quiet and casual as he could be, Ville tapped Jenn on the shoulder. Brendon was behind him nervously holding his books to his chest.

“God. What do you want now,” Jenn said. She sounded annoyed and her lipstick was smudged, some of it gathering around Bam’s mouth. 

For those sad moments, Ville honestly forgot how to speak English. When he finally admitted that he needed to get into his locker, she rolled her eyes. 

“God, he is such a loser,” she whispered against Bam’s neck.

Ville was never supposed to hear it, but he did, _they all did._ Brendon put his hand on Ville’s shoulder for comfort and Bam gave him a sad look. Apparently Ville was asking too much if he expected Bam to come to his defense, because he didn’t. A wave of revulsion hit him. He remembered all those months ago when Bam was in front of his bedroom door promising to defend him. And sure, a girl calling him a loser wasn’t exactly going to break his spirit, but it didn’t help. 

“She’s a complete slut,” Brendon said as they walked quickly to make their bus.

“Yeah,” Ville agreed tonelessly.

“You wish you were a slut too, don’t you?”

Ville slapped Brendon on the back of the head sending his glasses to a crooked angle over his face. “Shut up, Brendon.”

But the truth was, Ville really did want to be a slut. More to the point, he wanted to be a slut for Bam Margera even if he was an asshole. 

Ville’s life sucked.

**Chapter Four**

Ville only had a week with Brendon after school ended and before he would be shipped off to Utah. He intended to spend the entire time making sure that Brendon had a good time before he went to the land of rated-g entertainment (even if their fun in West Chester was mostly Pg-13 rated).

Ville tried to fuck off from his first week of volunteering at the hospital, but his mother wouldn’t let him. She gave him a lecture about responsibility and people less fortunate than him. He knew there was no way out of it, so he did the next best thing; he brought Brendon with him. 

When Ville figured out what he would be doing at the hospital, he didn’t know if he should laugh or punch his mother. For three months over the summer, Ville had to read books to ill senior citizens who didn’t have family that visited on a regular basis. 

Brendon didn’t laugh at him, not even once. Instead he was a traitor and defended Ville’s mother. One night when Ville’s voice was hoarse from reading back issues of National Geographic to a retired geologist, Brendon put his hand on Ville’s shoulder. “You know why she’s doing this,” he said. Ville got smart with him and insisted it was because his mother was evil and didn’t want him to have a life. Brendon simply shook his head and leaned into Ville. “She just misses hearing you talk, man. I didn’t even know you before and I can tell you don’t say enough. This might help.” Ville told Brendon to fuck off, but he only meant it halfway. 

……

The mood was so somber the night before Brendon left for Utah, you would have thought there was a funeral the next day. Brendon had argued with his parents for days to be able to have dinner at the Valo house before he left. Mrs. Urie had been sternly against the idea. She thought Brendon should be resting with his family before he went to camp. Eventually she gave in, but not without putting a two ton weight of guilt on Brendon’s shoulders. Brendon didn’t enjoy one bit of food he put in his mouth no matter how many senior citizen stories Ville told, no matter how many compliments Anita gave, no matter how many dirty jokes Kari cracked. Not even Jesse’s fake flirting could cheer Brendon up.

He left early that evening with hugs from Ville and Anita. “I’ll miss you guys,” he said, holding onto Anita fiercely tight.

“You’ll be back before you know it, dear,” she lied.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Ville promised.

……

As much as he hated to admit it, Ville ended up being glad that his mother set him up with something to do for the summer. With Brendon gone, he would have probably either been depressed in his room all day or trying to find a way to trick Jesse into spending time with him without overtly asking for his company. 

After just a few weeks, Ville’s familiar patients started complimenting his speaking voice. He was growing confident and not only enunciated, but spoke with flair. 

All that considered, Ville still wasn’t comfortable reading to Mrs. Fallon, his newest patient and his last appointment of the day. She chose to have Ville read harlequin romance novels to her while she knitted Ville the ugliest scarf he had ever seen. He got used to it though, and after the third appointment reading for Mrs. Fallon, Ville didn’t blush when he had to read out loud phrases about ripped bodices or throbbing members. He was professional at the hospital, but he went home every night with a frown on his face and stern words for his mother.

“Isn’t it illegal for her to ask me to read that? I’m only fifteen. Isn’t that sexual harassment?”

Ville’s mother smirked over her soup pot. “Yes, Ville. I’m sure you are absolutely horrified. I know you’ve never been exposed to anything like that in your life, not even say, on the Internet?”

Ville’s ears blushed and he promptly ran upstairs to erase his browsing history. But while he was there, he got a pleasant surprise. Brendon had sent him an email.

 

From: BrendonUriesays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville.

I hate camp. We’re all supposed to be loser Mormons who get teased and shoved in lockers in school, but I swear this is so much worse! Already I have been laughed at in the shower, tripped in the hall, and my roommate complained that I made too much noise so they took my keyboard.

I hate it here. They called my parents and they’re going to try adjusting my meds. They said I was too hard to handle. Why can’t they figure out that the reason I can’t sit still is because I hate it here? I’m trying to find a logical way to escape without dying of exposure or breaking my mom’s heart. 

I’m sorry I’m sending you this email, it’s just that after I write this, I have to send one to my mother that says I’m having a good time and I miss her. And it’s easier to lie to her when I’ve already told you the truth.

I miss you, and Spencer, and your mom. I miss my bed, and the piano in the living room, and the way your mom looks at me when she sees me playing a piano.

I can’t wait to come home. 

Write me back. I need something to keep me happy here!

*hugs* Brendon.

Ville wanted nothing more than to run down the stairs and show the email to his mother so she could help him break Brendon out of Utah, but the truth was, that wasn’t possible. Anita loved Brendon, but she’d never go against Mrs. Urie’s wishes. She never interfered in Brendon’s home life and Ville hated that.

Instead Ville stared blankly at his laptop screen and tried to figure out a way to be sympathetic to his best friend and at the same time cheer him up.

It was no surprise that he fell asleep in front of his laptop without coming up with anything other than “Dear Brendon.”

……

Ville didn’t work as long as his mother did at the hospital, so most days it was Jesse’s responsibility to pick Ville up after his volunteer hours. He begged his mother to just let him take the bus because his brother was unreliable, but Anita would not hear it. She didn’t like the idea of her youngest son taking a city bus alone, even if that son was almost old enough to get his driver’s permit.

After reading the better half of a fairly explicit novel about an American settler and his Indian princess slave to Mrs. Fallon, the only thing Ville wanted to do was go home. He’d been sitting on the steps in front of the hospital for over a half hour watching sick inpatients walk around the grounds before he decided to see where Jesse was.

“Fuck. I totally forgot about you,” Jesse admitted. Ville was not surprised.

“Just sit tight, okay?”

Ville didn’t dignify that with a response, just hung up the phone and started reading ahead in Mrs. Fallon’s book. He was ashamed that he had taken it and that he cared what happened next, but Mrs. Fallon was blind and would never notice. It felt like getting away with something when Ville started to read about how James managed to break Wild Dove’s spirit.

Ville was interrupted from his reading when a van screeched to a halt in front of him. He only had a second to hide the trashy novel in his messenger bag before Bam Margera stuck half of his body out of the passenger side window to tell him to get in the back. Ville hated his life, but more than that, Ville _really_ hated his brother.

When he got in the back of the messy van littered with fast food bags and empty Red Bull cans, he sighed. “Let me guess. Jesse met a cute girl at Boarders and decided to take her to Barnes & Noble.”

To Ville’s surprise, the boys actually laughed.

“Jesse Valo’s little brother made a joke. I must be hearing things,” Jess said as he threw the car into gear. “Actually he picked up an extra shift at work, so he has a legitimate excuse for forgetting about you.”

Ville knew Jesse’s schedule and boss better than Jesse did. It was one of the perks of having no life. He knew that the dry cleaner that Jesse worked for was too cheap to add another shift on a Tuesday. 

“Somehow I don’t believe that,” he said, glaring at Jess in the rear-view mirror.

“Alright, I may be lying to you, but it’s for the greater good. Jesse made me promise. Besides, he’s getting laid. That’s good for all of us. Your brother is a cranky motherfucker when he doesn’t get what he wants.”

Ville just groaned and leaned back against the seat. He did not want to think about his brother having sex.

“What were you reading out there,” he heard the other voice ask. Ville was mostly shocked. He hadn’t spoken a single word to Bam since he let some floozy call him a loser in front of his very own locker. He didn’t want to be forgiving, and yet he didn’t want to be silent and rude during the entire ride home.

“Summer reading for school,” Ville lied.

“Oh yeah? I haven’t even started that yet. Let me see.”

Ville was so tired that he missed Bam’s move. When Bam stuck his hand into Ville’s bag to grab the book, Ville was too late. Bam Margera had already seen the cover of the naughty book that Ville read to a little old lady. His life was over. 

“The Song Of The Dove’s Heart, huh? I didn’t see this on the list. Do you remember reading this for school?”

Jess laughed when he saw the cover. “No, but I was never good with titles. Read some of it. Maybe it will jog my memory.”

Ville tried to reach up front, but Bam was used to being attacked. He was practically sitting on the dashboard and batting away Ville’s hands as he read one of the fairly explicit scenes of Wild Dove spying on James while he was bathing in the creek. Ville’s cheeks were stained red as Bam fumbled over the words worse that Ville ever did. It could have been because he was laughing so hard, but Ville suspected that Bam didn’t read very well.

“Man, this is hilarious. Can I borrow this? I want to record chapter eight on Novak’s voicemail. He could use some cheering up while he’s visiting his old man.”

Ville finally caught Bam distracted and managed to rip it out of his hands. 

“No. I need it for tomorrow. There is a very sassy lady who is very much looking forward to seeing what happens in chapter twelve.”

Jess laughed in the front and pounded the ceiling of the van. “Ville, you dog, you. You’re reading crappy porn to your girlfriend? First of all, that’s sort of genius levels of lame. I might have to try that. And second of all, your brother is going to be so stoked! You’ve had him thinking you were dating that Brendon kid for the whole year.”

Jess’ laughter was the only sound in the Van. Ville was red faced and so still it was scary. Bam apparently noticed that his posture changed, because he was looking at Ville cautiously.

“Actually, I read that novel to a blind woman who just had her hip replaced at the hospital. Also, it’s none of Jesse’s business,” he said bitterly. The _‘it’s none of yours’_ went unsaid.

“Sorry, dude,” Jess said uncomfortably, but Ville didn’t want to hear that. When Ville didn’t forgive him immediately, Jess added, “My bad,” like he had insulted Ville’s outfit, not told him that his older brother had been talking badly about him for an entire year. 

Luckily Bam was kinder than Ville ever thought because he turned up the radio and sang badly for the rest of Ville’s trip home. When Ville got out of the van, he forgot the manners that his mother taught him as a child. He didn’t say goodbye, he didn’t offer money for gas, and he most certainly did not thank either boy.

Once inside, Ville promptly ran upstairs to his room, threw around his pillows and cried for ten minutes, and then he did the only thing he could think of. Ville wrote an email to Brendon.

From: VHVdoom@thismail.com  
To: BrendonUriesays@thismail.com

Dear Brendon,

I’m tired, and I miss you, and I have never hated my brother or his friends more than I do today.

He forgot to pick me up from the hospital today, so he had to get Jess and Bam Margera to pick me up. They found that stupid book that I’m reading to Mrs. Fallon and they started teasing me about it. They thought I was reading it to a girl, like a real girl. One I liked! 

Then Jess said that he was excited to find out that I was reading it to some girl, because Jesse has been worried that you’re my boyfriend and that apparently would be the worst thing in the world.

You would not be the worst thing in the world! I wish it was you!

I hate it here. I hate them. I hate them all. I don’t even know what to say to Jesse when he gets home from sleeping with his girlfriend.

I really don’t know what to do.

I want to go home, back to Finland. I just wish you could come with me.

Maybe I should come stay with you. I bet bitter Mormons are nicer than my brother.

I miss you. Sorry my email is not happy.

-Ville.

After Ville wrote the email, he felt exhausted. It wasn’t much of a surprise, after all, he had mostly cried himself out before he even sent the email.

Hours later when his mother came upstairs to check on him all Ville did was roll over away from her. “I’m not feeling well,” was his excuse. For once he didn’t even feel like he was lying to her. He did feel like shit. 

……

It was well after midnight before Jesse found his way home, but after his shower, the first place he went was to Ville’s room. A nice boy would have knocked, but Jesse just walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“How is Wild Dove doing,” Jesse asked, trying to be friendly. Ever since Ville started reading to Mrs. Fallon, their dinner table discussion had centered around the crazy old lady and her choice of books. Ville wasn’t feeling easy, so he didn’t let Jesse off the hook.

“Maybe you should ask Jess Margera.”

Jesse nodded and then laid down on the bed next to Ville. Their shoulders were touching, which made Ville itch, but it was better when they didn’t have to look at each other. Instead they concentrated on the glow-in-the-dark star constellations that Brendon and Ville had made months ago.

“He called me already. He’s sorry. Not as sorry as I am, but…you know. We’re sorry, Ville.”

“Sorry that you feel that way or that I found out that you feel that way?”

Jesse sighed loudly next to Ville.

“Ville, you’re not even sixteen yet. You don’t know what you want. You’ve never even kissed a girl proper. How can you just decide…”

“It’s not a decision,” Ville yelled, possibly loud enough to wake his parents up. “Fuck, I thought mama and daddy taught you better than that. They’ve always said it was okay. When you love, you love, remember?”

Jesse nodded. “I know. I know, Ville. I don’t have a problem with gay people. I just….it can’t be you. You’re sensitive, and weak, and you don’t know what people could do to you. And it’s not as if Brendon is going to save you. That boy couldn’t even save himself!”

The room got real quiet.

“You’re my brother and you’ll always be my brother, but Jesus Ville. You are not thinking straight.”

Jesse got off the bed and Ville turned on his side to face his retreating back.

“No, I’m not thinking straight. I’m not straight, Jesse.”

“Ville,” Jesse said, and it sounded like a warning. 

“But don’t worry. It’s not Brendon and it will never be Brendon. Maybe I’ll find a big tough man to protect me. Maybe that will make you happy.” 

Jesse said nothing, but he did slam the door on his way out of Ville’s room.

…..

After the incident where Jesse forgot to pick Ville up from the hospital, Ville convinced his mother that he was old enough to take the bus by himself. She thought it was because Ville was bitter over being forgotten, but the truth was that her sons were unable to sit in a car together after the things that were said and unsaid between them.

At LDS camp in Utah, Brendon was caught playing a Black Sabbath song that Ville had taught him. One of the camp councilors recognized it from the days when he lost his path and Brendon lost his internet privileges for two weeks. Brendon was allowed five minutes on the computer before he was punished. The email he sent Ville was probably the most concise way that Brendon had ever communicated with anyone. 

From: BrendonUriesays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

V,

Got caught Playing Iron Man @ camp. Can’t talk for 2 weeks. **:( :( :(** I blame you! Kidding. 

-Brendon.

It seemed like it was going to be the longest two weeks of Ville’s life. He couldn’t even imagine how Brendon was feeling.

Ville had been spending more time at the hospital with Mrs. Fallon, even if she was crazier than hell. He read stories about maidens and knights, sailors and mermaids. The plot lines and the tragic heroes were always impossible for him to relate to. One day he dropped the book down on his lap. “I could write something better than this filth,” Ville said. 

Mrs. Fallon put her kitting down on her lap and turned her head toward Ville. She was blind as a bat, but she still faced him out of respect. “Maybe you should do that then, honey. Write me something good for tomorrow,” she said. 

“You dropped a stitch,” Ville hissed meanly.

She shrugged her shoulders and picked up the needles again. “It doesn’t matter. You’re a good boy and you’ll wear it anyway, won’t you.?’

Because Ville felt too awkward sassing an old blind lady with a bad hip about the ugly pea green scarf that was ill knitted, he picked up the book again.

“Keep knitting, old lady. Don’t you want to know if the Pharaoh is going to figure out that the harem girl is actually his stolen princess?”

The only sound in the room was the clicking of her needles.

……

Brendon was only two days into his Internet exile when Spencer Smith called Ville at home. With Brendon gone, Ville never got phone calls. When Jesse passed it over, he gave Ville a look, as if to say, ‘if it’s not Brendon, is it this guy?’ Ville took the phone out of his hand rougher than he should have.

“Hello?”

“Hey, V,” Spencer said, because Spencer could never seem to fit his mouth around Ville’s name.

“Spencer. How are you?”

“I’m good, real good, man. I just got new cymbals for my kit. They’re awesome.”

“That’s good,” Ville said, feeling intensely awkward. He didn’t know how to make casual conversation. He also didn’t feel comfortable making casual conversation with his best friend’s crush outside of school.

“Hey, I’ve got a question for you. I’ve been getting emails pretty religiously from Brendon, pun fully intended. He keeps saying what a great time he’s having and stuff, and telling me these really bad jokes. I haven’t had one in a couple days though, but when I called his house his mom said he had another month and a half before he’d be home.”

Ville was sick to his stomach when he found out that Brendon had lied to Spencer as well about how much fun he was having. But he was a good friend, so instead of outing Brendon as a poor Mormon and a complete liar, he told his own fib.

“Oh, right. He’s on a camping trip in the woods. He should be back in a week or so,” Ville lied. He made a note on a Post-It to remind himself to email Brendon about his ‘camping trip.’

“Oh. That’s…that’s cool, I guess,” Spencer said, but he sounded oddly disappointed.

“Yeah. He was excited about it. I can’t picture Brendon in the great outdoors though,” Ville laughed, making sure he sounded convincing.

“I hear you on that one.” And then Spencer surprised him by changing the subject. “Hey, it’s been a while. Do you want to come jam with me and Ryan this weekend? We can start work on our first project for jazz band. You know Brendon will pick up whatever we do in like, five seconds anyway. He’s a prodigy or something.”

Ville agreed, because to be honest, he felt like it was essential that he spend some time with someone who wasn’t Mrs. Fallon.

……

Two weeks after Mrs. Fallon requested that Ville write her something, he finally delivered on it. He’d been working steadily since she said it, but he kept scrapping things and doubting himself. It seemed like it was Brendon’s absence that gave him the right motivation to finish.

What he wrote was nothing that she was used to. He wrote a simple short story about two men who had lived together all their lives and lied saying they were brothers. They had no family, no ties, only a few friends within their community. When one man died of a heart attack, the other was grief stricken when people offered their condolences for his brother’s passing rather than his lover’s. It was sad, but Ville thought it was well written and honest. 

He was nervous when he walked into Mrs. Fallon’s room that day.

“I wrote something myself, if you’d like.”

She sounded very eager.

Ville got choked up reading at the end, but he supposed that was alright, because he could hear Mrs. Fallon sniffing as well. He only hoped that she didn’t wipe her tears on his scarf, because as much as he loved her, that was kind of gross. 

“That was wonderful, honey. You have quite a way with words.”

“Thank you,” Ville said, then reached into his bag and took out Curse This Circus, a terrible book about a girl who ran away to join the circus and fell in love with the mysterious ring master.

“Maybe we could just talk today,” Mrs. Fallon offered, and Ville thankfully put down the book.

Instead they talked about Ville, mostly. He admitted that he was gay to her, and that his parents didn’t know about it, but he knew they would support him all the same. He told her about Jesse and what he had said to him all those days ago. Of course they talked about Brendon, and he admitted that even though he wanted so badly to love him, to be his lover, they just didn’t quite fit together. And at the tail end of their time together, Ville sighed and told her about Bam. 

“I miss being young, and able, and seeing things for the first time,” she said wistfully.

“I wish I was old, and lame, and blind,” Ville admitted.

She threw her tissue box at him. “Don’t go pulling some Freaky Friday mess on me, Ville. I am not prepared to be a young gay man and you are not qualified to finish this scarf.”

Ville kindly did not point out that her scarf was twice as wide at the bottom as the row that she was knitting.

……

From: BrendonUriesays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville!

I read your story and it was awesome! I mean, it was totally sad and I’m sort of depressed right now, but it was really well written and I think you should write another one that doesn’t make me want to curl up into the fetal position and start singing The Rainbow Connection.

Spencer said you went to go play with him and Ryan. I’m glad. I hated thinking of you spending the whole summer alone. I hope you worked on some of the composition. Ryan isn’t fun to deal with, so it would be easier for me if you vetoed all of his really stupid ideas before I get there!

How was Spencer? I miss Spencer. I keep meaning to ask if he’s still dating Haley in our emails, but I also kind of don’t want to know. I want him to be happy, and I get that he really can’t be happy with me deep down, but I’m so far away from home and totally by myself that it feels okay to be selfish for once. 

I’ll be home a month from today. They hung up a countdown calendar in the chapel. Most kids are sad to leave, but I really can’t wait. Do you think your mom can make that soup again? The one with the tofu and the elbow noodles and that spice that she brought from Finland? I totally want that right now. And a smoothie. Let’s go get smoothies!

-Brendon.

When Ville read that email he was convinced that they let Brendon off his meds. But then he realized, Brendon was always like that when he was excited about something. A month seemed like a terribly long time, but at least he had a goal to work toward. Ville started checking the days off his calendar along with Brendon.

……

The next story Ville wrote to entertain Mrs. Fallon was about an out and proud gay lawyer and a closeted gay judge. They had a complex relationship that crossed too many lines, legal and otherwise. It was terribly cheesy and Ville wrote it as an homage to those books she loved so much. There were a few sex scenes included, not even as explicit as he had read in her novels, but he blushed nonetheless when he read the passages about mutual masturbation, spanking, and of course, being bent over a desk.

“That was so good! I especially enjoyed the part that happened in chambers. But please, honey, tell me you don’t have that kind of experience. You are way too young to be having that kind of experience. But I suppose you kids just do whatever you want these days. At least tell me you’re being safe. That’s still the term, right? Safe?”

“I’m not having sex,” Ville grumbled as he grabbed her book about the steamy romance between artist and model. He didn’t like it very much. The artist always seemed too eager and the model a little too aloof. 

After reading to Mrs. Fallon, Ville started walking to the bus stop as usual. He was shuffling songs on his iPod looking for something that didn’t remind him of Brendon when he felt something hit the side of his head. A second later he looked down at his feet and saw a crumbled up paper bag that confirmed he wasn’t crazy, that something did hit him. Surely he wasn’t a big enough loser that complete strangers were going to torment him, he thought. He sighed and took his headphones off to see if he could figure out who accosted him only to find Jesse hanging out of the window of Jess Margera’s van.

“You want some candy, little boy?”

Ville gave him the finger and kept walking.

“Come on, I’m not even kidding. We have gummi-bears.”

Just the idea of getting into the van where Jess Margera admitted that Jesse hated who he was made him sick. And although Jesse and he were talking casual around the house, if only to ask to have the potatoes passed, it wasn’t enough that he wanted to spend any time with his brother and his friends.

“Look, Ville. This is kind of an emergency, so can you get in the fucking van?”

Ville turned his head and looked at Jesse seriously. “Is Daddy alright? Mama?” he asked in Finnish.

“Not that kind of emergency. Just…get in. I’ll owe you one.”

As Ville slid into the backseat next to Bam, he thought about the day that Bam had said those same words to him. Bam promised not to tell Jesse what a loser Ville was, and still Jesse ended up hating him for a different reason. Ville ached. He hoped that whatever Jesse needed was worth it.

……

Ville eventually found out that the emergency had little to do with Jesse and more to do with Jess Margera. Their band, CKY, was becoming very popular in the local scene. They had recorded a demo the year before, but apparently the vocalist hated it. They were re-recording it, only the second time they were spending money to have someone who actually knew how to do pre-production run the sound board.

“I don’t know how to produce a demo,” Ville said, completely outraged that Jesse would suggest that he did.

“They know that, idiot,” Bam said. “I broke their bassist’s arm in one of my Youtube videos and now he can’t play. They want you to learn the songs so you can play on the demo. Just the demo though, you’re not in the band or anything.”

Ville had absolutely no desire to do it. If Brendon were there, he would have hit him over the head and begged him to do it. Spencer would be disappointed too.

“I’ve never even heard your songs before,” he admitted.

“That’s okay. You’re a great player and you seem like a fast learner. Have a Red Bull. It’s going to be a long night,” Jess said.

Ville spent the first hour listening to the old demo while the lead singer told him everything that was wrong with it. Ville wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up and let him listen to the bass line, but he resisted. The guy kept saying, “…and if you could do this a little more like that, that would be awesome.”

While Ville listened to the demo, Jesse went home and grabbed Ville’s two bass guitars, unsure which one he wanted. Ville was just happy that he didn’t embarrass him by dragging the upright in. Besides, no one other than Ville and his daddy were allowed to touch it. Ville was very protective of his instrument, and if he was able to carry it himself all the time, he probably wouldn’t have let Kari touch it either. 

They jammed all night and Ville learned the songs easy enough. Playing was fun, but the honest truth was that he could never be in a band. He didn’t have the stage presence. He hated the fact that Jesse was watching him at all. He hated it all the more that Bam Margera was there eating candy and singing along.

“Cool. So look, you can totally do this. We’re going into the studio tomorrow and Wednesday at noon. We’ll probably be there all night.”

Ville looked over at Jesse. “I…I can’t. I have commitments until four.”

Commitments? He could have kicked himself. Who said that? A normal person would have said plans. Apparently the combination of lack of sleep and too much caffeine made him stupid again. He’d remember that, especially if he went to college.

“What? Dude, you said he wasn’t working or nothing,” Jess Margera yelled at Jesse.

“He isn’t. He volunteers at the stupid hospital to read to blind old perverts. I think he can miss a few days.”

“That wouldn’t be fair to Mrs. Fallon!” Ville said outraged.

Before everything got out of hand, Bam said, “What if I went? I’m the one who fucked this up, you gotta let me do something to make it right.”

Without Ville’s opinion or approval, the entire room of larger older boys decided that Ville would be at the recording studio. Ville hated himself for giving in so easily.

That night, Ville called Mrs. Fallon at the hospital for the first time. He apologized that he wouldn’t be there, but promised that Bam would be. He practically begged her not to mention anything he ever said, especially the part about having a ridiculous crush on Bam.

“Of course I won’t tell him. Who do you think I am?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Fallon.”

“You’re welcome. I think I’m going to have him read Blushing Rose. Remember, the one where the shy florist gets seduced by the adult entertainment star? He’ll like that.”

“You’re evil! That one was the worst.”

“I know. And I’m not even going to make him a scarf. You’re my favorite, honey.”

Ville hung up before she could scare him even more. When he got into bed that night, more than the anxiety about having to record for a band that he wasn’t in, Ville found himself sad about spending less time with Mrs. Fallon. As crazy as she was, they understood each other. He was afraid that when the summer was over, there would be a void in his life without her. He decided that he would still try to visit her even after his volunteer hours were over, but how much he could do that and keep up with school, he didn’t know.

……

Recording was equal parts exciting and stressful. Ville was technical, but the rest of the band really wasn’t. At one point, he let the guitarist play a song twice before Ville told them to stop and went into the booth. The lead guitarist was trying to record with his guitar out of tune. “Dude, thanks. I couldn’t get it right and I just figured that it would sound artistic, you know?” No. Ville didn’t think there was anything artistic about not knowing how to play, tune or take care of your instrument.

Ville stuck to the plan. He knew that there were things that he could have done to make the song sound better, but he didn’t want to mess with the band. Even when Jess Margera asked him if there was anything he wanted to do, Ville just shrugged. “It’s not my band,” he admitted. He didn’t want to get attached. 

After the two days were over, everybody hugged Ville and ruffled his hair like he was a mascot rather than someone who had done them a favor. He was a little bitter about it. 

The only rewarding part about it was that he officially felt like a musician. He couldn’t wait to take the finished product to the jazz instructor and show him that he was an actual recording artist. It wasn’t really to either of their tastes, but it was good. Ville played it well. 

The band could barely afford the studio time, so at the end Ville was paid in a series of odd gifts put into a Christmas bag. There were a couple of used records, old CKY t-shirts, a bottle of Jack Daniels with just a few shots missing, a bag of pot, and a carton of Virginia Slim cigarettes. Ville was about to be outraged about the girly cigarettes, but before he could fight for his masculinity, Deron shrugged his shoulders. “My grandma smokes them. Sorry. It was all I could get my hands on.” Ville could have said that he didn’t really smoke, but he smoked the last pack that Jesse gave him just fine. He ached a little for them when they were gone, if only something to do with his hands when he wasn’t playing bass, but not enough to start up a habit. He worried a little with the carton.

He was just about to beg Jesse to take him home where he could be alone, away from these people who gave him mismatched gifts and his first job, when the door to Jess Margera’s basement swung open. Bam stomped down the stairs looking exhausted and weary, wearing what was supposed to be Ville’s pea green scarf.

“You are fucked up, Valo,” he said, pointing his finger at Ville’s chest. Ville took a step back into Jess’ drum kit. “That woman is insane! You fed me to the wolves.”

Everybody else around them laughed, but Ville held his breath. He was worried that Mrs. Fallon’s matchmaking skills were on high and she decided to tell Bam about Ville’s stupid crush.

“She made me read a book about some porn star trying to get busy with some lady who arranged tulips. That’s sixteen hours of my life I’m never going to get back!”

The whole room doubled over with laughter again and grilled Ville on Mrs. Fallon. Ville just shook his head and said that she was a sweet lady.

“Fuck all of you,” Bam said. “And I’m keeping the scarf. She said I was supposed to give it to you, but fuck that. It’s mine! I earned it.”

Ville didn’t want the scarf anyway. It was August, after all. Mrs. Fallon had plenty of time to make him a new one.

……

Ville was practically bouncing in his chair as he read Mrs. Fallon a new book about a pirate and a merchant’s daughter. It was impossible to act casual when he knew that Brendon would be home around the time that he got off the bus. It was a little silly that he was so excited, but Brendon was his best friend. He was reading a bit too fast when Mrs. Fallon cut him off.

“Read slower, honey. I can’t figure out if he’s thinking about actual booty or her booty.”

Ville rolled his eyes. “They didn’t say booty as slang back then.”

“All the same, dear,” she said, as she continued knitting Ville’s new scarf, this time it was deep purple.

When Ville had admitted that he was not getting the green scarf from Bam, she wasn’t even that disappointed. “He was a sweet boy, really. I didn’t tease him too much. I’m not sure, but I think he has a few problems with reading. I tried to help him, but he gets very frustrated when you try to help him with the pronunciation. He was a very good boy to stick to it. I thought he was going to abandon me after that first hour. He deserves the scarf, don’t you think?” Ville agreed.

When a young orderly came in with Mrs. Fallon’s dinner, Ville slid her book into his bag and stood up. He was so excited to see Brendon that he barely said a proper goodbye.

“Stop right there, Ville. You better be bringing this Brendon to see me tomorrow.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ville said.

The really great part was that Brendon was probably just as excited to meet Mrs. Fallon as she was to meet him. They had both heard so much about each other.

……

When Ville got home from the hospital, Brendon was sitting on the Valo’s porch swing with Anita and a piece of angel food cake. He got so excited when he saw Ville that he stood up and broke the plate.

“Sorry!” 

Brendon bent down to pick up the shards but Anita stopped him.

“Never mind that, sweetheart. We never give you the good plates anyway. Go say hello.”

Brendon launched over the railing and hugged Ville until they both fell to the ground. Ville was once again so very happy that the Urie house wasn’t directly across the street. Mrs. Urie would never approve of the way that Brendon hugged Ville.

“Oh my god. I missed you. And I hated camp. And I missed you. And your mom made me angel food cake just because I came home. And I missed you. And do you think it would be weird if I called Spencer even though I just got back? And did I mention that I missed you?”

Ville just laughed and let Brendon lie on top of him on the front lawn. He kind of wanted some of that angel food cake that Brendon mentioned, but instead he smiled until it hurt and let Brendon push him into the grass.

“I missed you too. And you can call Spencer tomorrow. Tonight, we celebrate!”

That night Ville and Brendon got disgustingly high and drunk at the same time. They kissed a few times, just until Ville’s body wanted to ask for more. Then they polished off the angel food cake and took turns helping each other throw up.

“I am never eating angel food cake again,” Brendon said while lying on the bathroom floor.

“I think that was the whiskey. The angel food cake is still good.”

Ville sprawled out next to Brendon on the cold tile. He tried to pull the bathmat over both of them.

“Good. Because your mother’s angel food cake is really good.”

In the morning it was Jesse who found them on the bathroom floor.

“Mama! Ville and Brendon are dead in the bathroom!”

Ville covered his ears with his hands. Everything hurt. From beneath his hands, Ville could still hear his mother’s reply of, “Jesse Valo. That is not funny.”

Brendon woke up, took one look at Jesse and Ville, and then promptly threw up on the floor.

“Mama! Brendon threw up on the floor and I think some of it is in Ville’s hair. It’s disgusting!”

Ville closed his eyes and hoped that Jesse was wrong about his hair, but at that very moment, he didn’t care too much. He wanted to go back to bed, but that dream ended when he heard the thumping of his parents running up the stairs. 

“Oh boys,” Anita said. 

“Perhaps I should teach them how to drink like men,” his daddy offered. Ville heard a slap and an ‘oomph,’ sound, and was almost amused that his mother slapped his father. 

After that Ville and Brendon were dragged into the cold shower with all their clothes on. His daddy made them sit mostly upright while Anita cleaned the mess on the floor.

“I’m never drinking again,” Ville said.

“That’s my good boy,” Anita said in reply.

Brendon opened his mouth to say the same thing, possibly for the reassurance, instead he threw up again.

“Oh, my sweet boy. Let it all out,” Anita crooned.

After that Ville and Brendon sat curled up in their wet clothes in the bathtub while they listened to Ville’s parents yell at Jesse for giving two nice boys alcohol. Ville had a smile on his face the entire time.

“Welcome home, Brendon.”

“Thanks. I feel better than I did at camp.”

Ville frowned and let Brendon shiver against him. He had another nine months before he had to go back. Ville would try to make every day fun for both of them.

**Chapter Five**

Ville’s second first day at West Chester High wasn’t nearly as bad as his first. He already knew where he was going, he already had a few friends, but more than that, he knew what was expected of him.

His class load was a little heavy, he thought, but as his mother reminded him, he was preparing for college. The creative writing workshop scared the pants off of him, more so when he realized there were only twelve people in the class with him. He felt like the odd man out, unlucky number thirteen. And even though he knew he was a good writer, he also knew the things that he had been writing for Mrs. Fallon over the summer were not going to be accepted there. What was worse, the rest of the kids in his class were native speakers. Even after a year in West Chester, there was still a lag in Ville’s English. He felt like he was at a disadvantage no matter how focused he was. It was a class, and not a competition, but Ville still wanted to rise above everybody’s expectations of him

Ville was excused from gym again, but after lengthy conversations with the school’s administration, Ville was forced to take an independent study outside of school to make up his physical fitness credits. His mother, bless her heart, wanted him to do yoga. Jesse laughed himself out of his chair when he heard her brilliant idea. His daddy, ever the practical one, decided that Ville should enroll in the martial arts. His daddy never flat out said anything, but after Ville was assaulted freshman year, Kari had spent more time teaching him how to defend himself. When they would play fight in the yard while raking or shoveling, Kari would always instruct him on the way to throw a proper right hook, or explain why exactly it hurt so badly to get hit in the throat.

The only really bad part about the second year of high school was that his biology lab partner was assigned to them, rather than choosing their own. Brendon was in the class and Brendon would have been the best lab partner ever, Ville thought. When the teacher announced that everybody had to get up, and he paired Ville up with Bam Margera, Ville wanted to jump out the window. He knew that it would be impossible to work with him. 

On one hand he was delighted that he got to sit close enough to touch his crush everyday, but on the other hand, he was so embarrassed and frightened that he’d say the wrong thing. And with Brendon sitting right behind his lab table, he knew that Brendon would remind him of every idiotic thing he said in front of Bam. 

……

It was only a few weeks into the school year, but Ville was already starting to get used to the routine, the monotony, and the daily stresses. Strangely enough, Ville found himself looking forward to his weekly Judo class. Sometimes he felt so withdrawn from the world that spending an hour or two on the mats getting tossed around and forced to submit centered him. He wasn’t quite sure what that said about him, but at least he had an outlet for those feelings.

Ville was feeling calm as he walked out of the gym and into the night. Something was different, though. Usually his mother was parked right up front, which always embarrassed him. Most of the people who attended Ville’s gym were older. It made him feel like a kid to have his mother idling in her car for him, smiling and waving at the men that held down her son until he tapped out. 

The sweat cooled on his skin and he shivered when he realized that his mother’s car wasn’t there. It wasn’t just the fear that she had forgotten him, but he felt uneasy. He was sure something was very wrong, though at the same time, he told himself that he was overreacting. When he called his mother and it went straight to voicemail, the simple uneasiness turned into a lump of fear that sat like a rock in the pit of his stomach. He was about two seconds from having a breakdown right in front of the gym when his instructor put a steadying hand on Ville’s shoulder. “It’s too late for you to be taking the bus. Come on, I’ll give you a lift.” Normally, Ville wouldn’t have accepted the ride, but he was fairly sure that he would have had a panic attack on the crowded bus. 

Ville faked his way through casual conversation. They talked about the songs on the radio, a few of the techniques that they had learned in class, and about the possibility of Ville going to see a fight exhibition with the rest of the gym in December. All through the conversation, Ville kept making up scenarios in his head. He kept picturing his mother’s car wrapped around a tree, Jesse in a hospital bed with alcohol poisoning, his mother on a plane to Finland to visit her sick mother. By the time the car pulled into Ville’s driveway, he was thankful, because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could wear a brave face.

He had just thanked his instructor and was walking up the lawn when Ville saw Jesse standing in the doorway on the phone. “He’s here. I have him. Go back,” he heard him say rapidly in Finnish.

Ville was scared as hell, especially when his daddy’s cab screeched into the driveway.

“Ville, it’s Brendon…” he heard Jesse start. No matter what was wrong, Ville didn’t want to hear it from Jesse. So even though he was sweaty and still wearing his gi, he got in the front of his daddy’s cab and headed toward the hospital. Kari didn’t explain anything and Ville was thankful for that, because he was never good at giving bad news. His daddy liked facts. Kari would always put things too bluntly for Ville to be able to process.

They were a few miles away from the hospital when Ville finally cracked. He couldn’t take not knowing for a second longer. “Is it bad,” was all he could think to ask.

“It’s not good, Ville.”

The cab had barely stopped in front of the emergency room when Ville ran in. He spent enough time at the hospital to know the ins and outs. As soon as he walked into the waiting room, he saw Mrs. And Mr. Urie sitting stiffly. Ville knew better than to ask them anything. He skirted around them and headed to the information desk. He was sure that he was sheet white and looking sick, because she handed Ville a form for admittance. 

“No. I…I’m looking for Anita Valo.”

“Oh. Anita’s boy. Aren’t you just so cute? Are you Jesse?”

No, he was not Jesse, and he was never going to be Jesse.

“I need to find my mom,” he said. His voice cracked and he sounded as if he was going to cry at any second. Apparently the woman had no idea how to handle sobbing adolescents who weren’t bleeding internally, because she picked up a phone. His mother was standing by him within moments.

“What happened to Brendon?”

Knowing that Ville was a visual learner, she took Ville to see Brendon rather than telling him the gruesome details. He looked like a prop doll in a medical drama instead of his best friend. While he silently looked over all of the parts of Brendon he could see, she explained what she could to Ville without breaking any HIPPA laws.

“He’s going to be okay. But it’s bad, Ville. They broke his leg in two places and he has a concussion. A lot of bumps and bruises.”

“Why,” was all Ville asked. Brendon was annoying and people made fun of him, but no one ever did more than shove him in the hallway or knock over his books. In fact, the only reason why Ville had been beaten was to keep his silence. There were bullies in high school, for sure, but they usually used emotional leverage, not physical.

“They’ve put him out for now. They had to reset his leg a few times and it wasn’t pretty, sweetheart. Just before he said something about his meds and needing them. I don’t. I don’t know exactly what he was talking about. Hopefully he’ll say more when he wakes up.”

Ville knew what it was about. He understood what Brendon said more than Brendon did most times. His memory flashed to the unit on the dangers of prescription pills in health class. At the time, Ville thought it seemed like a ‘how to’ course in how to get high cheaply, but he never pointed that out to the flighty teacher. She talked a lot about how powerful and abused ADHD medication was, and Brendon sat lower in the chair. When she asked if anybody had ever been diagnosed with it, Brendon shyly raised his hand. Most of the kids had said, ‘duh’ because of course Brendon was hyperactive, but Ville remembered two boys who offered Brendon money for his medication. 

Brendon never gave it up, though. Not only was he afraid to find out what his mother would say if he didn’t obediently take the pills that made him easier to manage, he was also afraid of what would happen if he got caught. There were a few idle threats of what would happen to him if he didn’t comply, but Brendon always said nothing was going on. “I’ll be fine, Ville,” he kept saying. But Brendon wasn’t fine.

It was getting closer to ten in the evening, and even though Ville’s best friend was in the hospital, Anita said that Ville would have to go to school the next day. He hated his mother for doing that. If it were possible, Ville would have slept in the bed next to Brendon. Brendon would want someone to talk to when he woke up. Besides, his gi was kind of like a pair of pajamas. His mother did not appreciate his logical reasoning at all. 

“And what am I going to say to Mrs. Urie when she finds you in her son’s bed? Go home, Ville. I’ll call if he wakes up. I took a double shift just to make sure someone’s looking out for him.”

His Daddy had gone back to work, but by some kind of magic, when Ville walked out of the hospital, Jesse was waiting for him. He got into the car and didn’t say anything. Jesse drove the speed limit in an effort to keep Ville calm. They were silent until they pulled into the driveway. When Ville tried to get out of the car, Jesse grabbed the shoulder of Ville’s gi and pulled him into an awkward hug. Ville had just about relaxed into it when Jesse ruined the moment. “Is this because of you…how you two are? Fuck, is it going to be you in the hospital next, Ville?”

Ville jerked away harshly and slammed the car door behind him. When they were both alone in the house together, Ville turned around and faced Jesse.

“This isn’t because I’m gay, Jesse. This isn’t because Brendon is gay either, not that I’m saying he is. Somebody wanted his ADHD meds and he wouldn’t give them up. So this is because someone wanted to get high. Does that make you feel better? Does that make you feel like I’m safe now? No one’s safe!”

Ville pulled his arms around himself. He didn’t want Jesse to hug him again, but he felt like he’d fall apart if someone didn’t keep a hold on him. 

“Who did it? Do you know? I can…”

Ville laughed sadly and shook his head. “You can’t fix violence with violence, Jesse. That’s not how it works. That’s not going to make Brendon better.” And because Ville knew that Jesse didn’t give a shit about Brendon, he said, “…that’s not going to make me better.”

“It might make me feel better though,” Jesse offered with a smile.

“Then you have problems,” Ville said, not even slightly amused.

He slept in his gi that night because he was too upset and too tired to get ready for bed. He forgot to set his alarm, and when he slept straight through the bus, Anita let him. 

“I’ll drive you when you’re ready.”

Ville never ended up going to school.

……

Brendon spent a month at home before he was allowed to go back to school. His first cast was too complicated to have him navigate the school halls. Once the second one was put on, he was cleared to go back. Ville thought it was too soon. Brendon was awkward and clumsy at best, but on crutches he was a mess. He fell frequently and most of the time Ville wasn’t there to help him back up. 

A few days after Brendon’s return, Ville was sitting in his biology class biting his pencil and waiting for Brendon to arrive. To say that he was shocked to find Bam Margera carrying Brendon’s bag and holding the door open for him was an understatement. Ville never forgot the mean things that Bam said about Brendon in Jesse’s van and had always held it against him. 

When Brendon sat down in his chair with his crutches leaned up against the wall, he barely said hello to Ville before he closed his eyes and put his head on the table. He looked like he was asleep.

“I found him before last period in the hall. Someone looked like they were holding the door open for him and then just shut it. It was an asshole move. I took him to the nurse after that. She let me skip English class so I could make sure he ate a whole pudding cup before he took his pain pill.” Bam looked over at Brendon. “Nurse offered to send him home, but he said he missed too much school already. She sent a note to the teacher saying he’d be useless.”

Ville wanted to say that Brendon was never useless, but then again, he was pretty sure there was a pile of drool settling around Brendon’s face on the table. 

“Has he offered up who did that to him, or is he going to be a martyr like you,” Bam said meanly.

“I wasn’t being a martyr. I can’t believe you even know what a martyr is. And no, he hasn’t said.”

A moment passed and the rest of the class filed in around them. Bam had a pinched look on his face, but Ville didn’t know if that was because Ville had insulted his intelligence, or because Ville wasn’t giving him the answers that he wanted. 

“You know, the two of you are real stupid. This wouldn’t keep happening if you let Jesse take care of it.”

“What happened to Brendon has nothing to do with what happened to me. It’s none of your business,” Ville spat.

“Maybe it should be. Because you guys are clearly doing a shitty job of taking care of each other.”

“I don’t need you to save me, Bam. And Brendon…”

Ville hesitated before he answered. For all he knew, if the offer was on the table, maybe Brendon would have Jesse and his friends get revenge. Because as wrong as he thought violence was, (outside of a video game _of course_ ) Ville kind of wanted them too, secretly, in the very back of his head.

“And what about Brendon?”

“Brendon can make his own decisions,” Ville said as the teacher walked into the room. Ville felt the man’s eyes slide over the top of his head to look at Brendon sleeping. He gave a sad shake of his head, not like he was disappointed in Brendon, but more like he was disappointed in life in general.

“Alright, do we all have our lab reports?”

Ville did, but as usual Bam didn’t. He saw Bam copying down his answers a moment before they passed them forward.

……

A few days after Bam and Ville had their argument in biology, Brendon hobbled up into Ville’s room and fell on his bed. It was a Saturday and Ville was still sleeping. He was only wearing his boxers so he yelped and pulled the covers tight around him when Brendon settled in. “What are you doing here? It’s early!”

“It’s ten thirty in the morning, Ville. And I was bored. And hungry. And your mom made me a breakfast burrito and said that you couldn’t have one, because you didn’t go downstairs when she called you.”

Ville groaned and tried to pull the covers over his head. 

“You’ll never guess what happened to me today. I was outside my church meeting this morning waiting for my mom to pick me up, and Bam Margera came and sat next to me on the bench. Luckily no one from my church saw me, because seriously, they talk about how bad he is a lot in youth group. Anyway, he basically grilled me into telling him who broke my leg and kicked my head in. It was weird. But then I started wondering why you never asked…”

Ville pulled the blanket away from his face to look at Brendon. It was true. They had talked about how much pain Brendon was in, and that he was scared, but Ville never asked him what happened. Inside Ville thought he already knew, and to be honest, he really didn’t want the details.

“I assumed you didn’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, Brendon.”

“Well you’re right. I sort of don’t. But…for a while I figured you didn’t care. I asked you all the time what happened to you and you never told me.”

“Some secrets are better left kept, Brendon.”

Brendon nodded his head, but then folded his body into Ville’s bed and told him everything about the two boys who had hurt him, the when and the why, and how Brendon felt about all of it. Through it all, Ville rubbed his thumb over the smooth skin on Brendon’s wrist. For the thousandth time, Ville thanked a god that he didn’t understand for not letting the boys break Brendon’s hands.

“It feels better now. I haven’t told anyone else and I don’t think I ever will. I feel okay now.”

And after that, Brendon fell asleep. Usually on Saturday’s Ville went back to bed for an hour or two after he ate one of his mother’s breakfast burritos, but he had a feeling that Brendon’s spontaneous nap had little to do with his full stomach. 

After that weekend, Brendon seemed to turn into his old self. He still hobbled around in his cast, of course, but a weight seemed to be lifted off his shoulders.

……

On Ville’s sixteenth birthday his daddy woke him up in the morning so early that Ville’s face hurt. 

“Come on, Ville. It’s time to study.”

Ville walked down the stairs in his underwear and blearily drank his daddy’s strong coffee while Kari read him the driver’s test manual. Ville was never sure how much of that he actually retained. 

Kari took Ville out of school for the day for the sole purpose of getting him his driver’s permit. 

“It’s in the blood, son. You’re going to do just fine!”

Kari was so excited that Ville passed the test with a perfect score that he took him out to lunch and didn’t make him go back to finish his classes. They were settled in the driveway when Kari turned to Ville and said, “say, do you want to drive?”

Of course Ville did. He hated taking the bus more than almost anything. It was his dream like any teenager to get his license.

They switched places and Kari made Ville take his time adjusting the seat and all the mirrors. He made Ville promise to drive slowly, and even then, just around the block. 

On his way out of the driveway, Ville somehow managed to run over the mailbox and a squirrel.

“It’s okay,” Kari said as soon as Ville put the car in park.

“But…”

“I’m not mad,” he said, cutting Ville off at the pass.

“I’m…”

“It’s not your fault. Just go in the house while I fix this.”

After that, every time that Anita suggested that Kari take Ville out driving, Kari went white as a sheet and muttered some excuse. Ville couldn’t blame him. Driving, as it seemed, was not in the Valo blood and Ville wasn’t ready for it. Still, he hated the way that Jesse snickered about it.

……

Unlike Ville, Brendon took to driving just fine. He passed his exam on the first try. His parents of course didn’t give him a car, because they didn’t want to give their son that much freedom, but they were generally good about giving him the car if he asked politely on nights and weekends.

Almost immediately after his sixteenth birthday, Brendon got a job at the mall. He worked at a smoothie place, and he hated it, but he made above minimum wage and he didn’t have to touch animal bi-products. Ville was a little jealous. Between his judo class and reading to crazy Mrs. Fallon, Ville didn’t really have enough time for a job. Besides, Anita wanted him to wait until the summer to even think about it. 

The worst part about Brendon working was that Spencer worked at the Starbucks right next door. Every time Brendon came over it was a long stream of ‘Spencer this’ and ‘Spencer that.’ It wasn’t that Ville didn’t like Spencer, it was just that Spencer still had a girlfriend and yet he seemed to be unknowingly stringing Brendon along. 

……

It was just before Thanksgiving that the first fights started happening in the Valo house. It started as little arguments over the dinner table about trivial things, but the tension made Ville’s teeth hurt. By the second week in December, the fights were loud at night. Apparently Ville’s parents didn’t understand quite how well sound traveled through their thin walls. 

Neither Ville nor Jesse said anything when they realized that Kari was sleeping in the guest room. 

Things seemed to get better for a little while, but then on the first of January, Kari sat the whole family down in the living room.

“I don’t expect you boys are stupid. I know that you two know there’s something going on.”

Ville and Jesse exchanged looks. They were both thinking that it was the beginning of the end. 

“What your father is trying to say is that we have been arguing over a few issues, and although we are not in complete agreement, your father is going to be spending a year in Finland.”

Two jaws dropped and Anita put her hand on Ville’s knee. 

“We know that this is going to be hard, and this is not what we moved to America for, but right now this is the best decision for our family.”

Ville was shaking by the time he finally was able to get his voice to cooperate.

“Why do you have to go to Finland,” he asked. He wasn’t even embarrassed when his voice cracked.

“I have to go back to run the business.”

The boys both knew from a young age that their father was a partner in a sex shop. For the most part he was an owner only in title. He never handled the day to day things, but he also never relinquished his end of the profits. They received a check every month from the co-owner. Anita always told the boys that the money went straight into their college funds. Ville always thought it was a little strange that porn was going to pay for his education. 

“Uncle Potter wants to retire and it’s only fair. He’s done his part. It’s my turn to handle things.”

Without even waiting a beat, Ville stood up and begged his parents to let him go. 

“I hate it here. I hate everything about it here except for Brendon. And Brendon…”

And Brendon had Spencer, is what he didn’t say.

“I’m sorry, Ville. You can’t come with me. It’s…it’s only a year.”

Ville stormed out of the room before the conversation was over. Jesse, the sensible and better son stayed, and when it was over he slid into Ville’s room.

“They still love each other, Ville. Maybe more than ever. He’s going to be back.”

“I don’t care,” Ville said.

“You do too. I care too, but this is what we have to deal with.”

Ville said nothing; just stared at the ceiling. That night Jesse slept in his bed with him. Ville never knew if it was by accident or by design, but Ville appreciated it none the less.

……

The day after Ville’s parents dropped the bomb about Kari going back to Helsinki, Ville took the bus to the retirement center that Mrs. Fallon moved into. Ville didn’t like visiting her there. It was a little further away than the hospital and the rest of the residents liked to point out how sweet of a boy Ville was for visiting. Crazy Mrs. Fallon was worth it, though, Ville always thought (even if he did hate the way it smelled and the way old ladies would touch his face). 

Just after Ville walked into the room, he broke down in tears. 

“Ville? Ville, where are you?”

The blind woman reached out in his direction, and like the baby he felt like, he crawled into her arms. Mrs. Fallon had never come off as even remotely maternal to him before, so it was an odd choice for him to go to her, but it felt just right when she rocked him and told him that it would all be alright.

“My daddy is leaving and he won’t take me with him. I just…I just want to go home.”

When she said, “This _is_ your home,” Ville tried hard to ignore that she was right.

……

Two weeks after Kari left for Finland, Ville had a jazz band concert. He was in his bedroom staring at is upright bass longingly. He didn’t drag his own to school every day, but he did like to have it for performances. He sighed as he looked at it. There was no way it would ever fit in his mother’s small hatchback or Jesse’s shit box car. 

When Jess caught him looking at it, he understood. 

“I’ll take care of it,” he said.

A few days later, Jess Margera pulled up front and Bam ran up the stairs with him. Ville squeaked a little when the two of them carried his bass down the stairs, cursing and bumping into walls the entire way.

“Shut up and let them help,” Jesse said, punching Ville in the shoulder.

When Ville walked back stage, Spencer lit up. “Dude, is Jess Margera your roadie? That’s pretty sweet. I knew you played on their demo, but he’s dragging around your bass now!”

Ville groaned and sat down in a chair. Thank god for Brendon, because he killed the conversation. “Ville! You have to redo my tie. Your mom did it too tight again and I had to take it off.”

After that it was good natured teasing of Brendon and performance warm ups. 

The concert went off without a hitch and Mr. Thomas actually said he was quite proud of them. Brendon’s parents didn’t make the performance, Brendon mentioned a church function, but neither Anita nor Ville said anything negative about her in front of him. Brendon was excited that he got to ride in the front seat of Anita’s car while Ville rode with his bass in the back of Jess’ van. 

The second trip Ville was not as complacent as he was the first time. He was the first to grab his bass and there was an argument over who would help him. In the end, it was Bam who helped him lug it up the stairs and lean it in the side corner of his room. 

Instead of heading right back downstairs, Ville turned around to find Bam poking around his room. He was looking at Ville’s posters and touching the spines of his books. The immediate things Ville wanted to say were ‘don’t touch my stuff,’ which was promptly followed by, ‘would you like to get in my bed.’

“Cool room,” Bam said. After that he plopped down on Ville’s bed, the same bed that Ville jerked off in the night before. He was thinking of Bam when he did it, and it made him feel so impossibly dirty that he wanted to cry.

“Thanks.”

“Sucks about your dad leaving.”

“Yeah. He’ll…he’ll be back though.”

“That’s what Jesse said.” Bam leaned back and put his head on Ville’s pillow. He was staring up at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. It made Ville feel like a child. “Nice bed.”

Ville could hear his pulse in his ears. Downstairs Jess and Jesse were watching a violent movie and ogling girls on the television. Brendon was undoubtedly eating cake in the kitchen. They were all probably wondering what Bam was doing with Ville upstairs, and yet Ville couldn’t bring himself to leave. It would have been the worst idea to do something, but Ville couldn’t help but feel like Bam was giving him an invitation.

“Yeah. It’s…comfortable.”

Bam shifted over, not saying anything, but clearly making room. Other than Brendon and on that one night Jesse, Ville had never had another person in his bed. He carefully slid on next to Bam, shoulder to shoulder. He refused to look at Bam.

“I don’t get you at all, Valo. Not at all.”

And that’s when it felt like someone pushed the fast forward button on Ville’s life. He was lying flat on his back with his eyes squeezed shut so tight and Bam was straddling his lap. He was heavy, so heavy, and so warm wherever they touched. Fingers covered in paper cuts and calluses were stroking over Ville’s freshly shaved face. “Open your eyes, Ville.”

Ville refused.

“I’m not going to do this unless you open your eyes, man.”

Just when Ville was ready to submit and get it over with, he heard the squeak of his door opening. He closed his eyes even tighter.

“The fuck, Bam. What did I say to you?”

“This is nothing,” Bam said, as he awkwardly crawled off of Ville’s lap and stood on his two feet.

“It didn’t look like nothing. Don’t fuck around with him,” Jesse hissed.

“Whatever,” Bam said. Ville could already hear him walking away. “Don’t worry, Jesse. I’m out of here. I’ll see you on Monday, Ville.”

Ville couldn’t bring himself to say anything, and instead, curled his body toward the wall. He didn’t want his brother to look at him after what he just saw.

“I’m sorry that he did that to you, Ville. It won’t happen again.”

“I’m okay, Jesse,” Ville lied. 

Ten minutes later Brendon plopped down on his bed and spooned up behind Ville. It felt good, but Ville knew it would have felt better if it had been Bam.

“Why didn’t you come downstairs? Your mom made cake!”

Ville sighed and put his arm over Brendon’s, forcing his friend to hold him tighter. “Bam Margera just tried to make out with me in my bed and Jesse made him stop.”

Brendon practically vibrated behind him. “Dude, that’s awesome. He likes you back! That’s like…all I’ve ever wanted, you know? For Spencer to like me back.”

All Ville could think of was the party at his house where Bam kissed everybody. His excuse was that he just liked to make out. Ville assumed that was why Bam got into his bed.

“He doesn’t like me. He just likes… _people.”_

It was quiet for a few minutes before Brendon pressed his lips against the nape of Ville’s neck. “He’s stupid for not picking you. So am I. But at least I get to be your best friend.”

Brendon left an hour later and Ville felt so unbelievably empty. He couldn’t sleep, so he found himself slipping a cigarette out of Jesse's sock drawer and smoking it behind the tool shed.

**Chapter Six**

It seemed like Bam was waiting for Ville to make a move after their interrupted tryst in his room, but Ville refused to do anything about it. He wanted to, _God did he want to,_ but he didn’t want to fumble his way through awkward sex with someone who didn’t actually care about him.

For some reason it seemed perfectly logical instead to have awkward first time sex with one of the Greek exchange students that Anita hosted for dinner once a month. 

The boy was beautiful and well mannered, and for some reason he looked at Ville like he hung the moon. One night after eating too much of Anita’s vegetarian lasagna, Demetrius came up behind Ville while he was washing dishes. As any mother would have in their home countries, Anita had given them all a glass of wine with dinner. Demetrius must have had more than his fair share. Ville could smell the sweet grapes on him as he surrounded Ville with his arms. And when he felt Demetrius’ groin tight against his ass, Ville groaned as the dish he was trying to wash dropped into the sink.

“Please,” Demetrius said. And there was something about his tone that made it very hard for Ville to say no.

The two boys snuck up to Ville’s bedroom and Demetrius taught Ville everything he knew about sex. Ville was sore, and he wasn’t sure that he liked being on the bottom, but at least he wasn’t a virgin anymore. 

……

Telling Brendon he had had sex was sort of like kicking a kitten. He got this betrayed look on his face that Ville never wanted to see again.

“But you weren’t in love with him,” Brendon said.

“Believe it or not, Brendon, you don’t have to be in love with someone to let them fuck you.”

Brendon flinched at that and Ville felt so guilty that he hugged Brendon.

“But you’re not like that. I mean, we’re not like that.”

Ville nodded his head with his chin tucked over Brendon’s shoulder. “I know. But I just…I wanted to get it over with. And he was hot,” Ville added, almost shyly. “I knew that he’d go slow with me.”

Brendon didn’t say anything back to that and Ville didn’t want him to. Instead they stayed up all night playing Halo. Occasionally Brendon would ask him questions without looking Ville in the eye. Did it hurt? Did you come first? Were you safe? Ville answered yes to all the questions.

……

The next day, nearly everything seemed to center around sex. Ville didn’t tell anyone other than Brendon that he had lost his virginity, but it seemed like the world was being cruel.

The morning after Ville slept with Dimitrius, Ville watched in shock while his brother unpeeled a banana across the breakfast table from him. It looked so phallic, so wrong in his brother’s hand. Ville couldn‘t stomach the thought of eating after that. 

When he arrived in his English class, he couldn’t stop himself from touching his lips. They felt puffy, bruised, _deliciously used,_ he told himself. When his teacher walked into the room, he remembered that his first name was Richard. People probably called him dick for short. And Ville…he liked dick, he had proof of that now. His English teacher wasn’t bad looking either, Ville thought. He was too old for him, that was for sure, but he had strong hands and warm brown eyes. Ville found himself tracing the line of his mouth and wondering what his teacher’s dick looked like and how it would feel stretching his lips.

“Ville,” he heard, and by the tone of his teacher’s voice, he was quite sure that it wasn’t the first time he had said Ville’s name.

“Y-yes,” Ville stuttered.

“We’re taking attendance,” he said. “A simple ‘here’ would be fine, though I prefer present.”

Ville nodded, took a deep breath, and said “present.”

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t present at all.

At lunch Ryan and Spencer were having some complicated conversation about trying to figure out if their girlfriends climaxed or not. It was too easy for them to fake, it seemed. Ville wanted to tell them both that it was easier when it was two men fucking, because there was physical evidence, but it wasn’t his place. He would have made both boys uncomfortable, but more than that, he would have made Brendon sad.

But Brendon already was sad. He still gave Spencer longing glances that Spencer seemed to ignore entirely. What was worse, when Spencer talked about sex, Brendon leaned in and listened more attentive than ever. It was like he was judging what Spencer liked and didn’t like, though there was the strong possibility that Brendon would never get to use that information for his benefit. 

……

Far too soon after Ville told Brendon about losing his virginity, Brendon showed up at his doorstep after closing the Smoothie Hut for the night. He looked like he had been crying, but it was raining, so Ville couldn’t be positive. Luckily his mother was working the night shift at the hospital, because she could always tell when someone had been crying.

“It’s late. Aren’t your parents going to…” Ville started, but he didn’t get to finish before he had his arms full of Brendon. And Brendon didn’t smell or feel right. 

Jesse was making out with his girlfriend on the couch, so Ville carefully pulled Brendon upstairs and sat him on his bed.

“What’s wrong?”

Brendon’s tiny frame was shaking from the cold and something else, something Ville couldn’t understand. He was about to ask if his parents had pressured him about going on his mission again when Brendon twisted his fists in Ville’s comforter and blurted out a question that stopped Ville’s heart. 

“Why didn’t you tell me what it was like after? You know…when they leave?”

“After who leaves,” Ville asked, not entirely wanting to know the answer. 

“I did it. Just like you did it. And I think I hated it. And I didn’t know where else to go.”

And that was when Ville got it. He had inadvertently inspired his best friend to lose his virginity. And while Ville didn’t have any of the details just yet, he felt like shit.

“He was older, Ville. Probably too old for me now that I think about it. You know, Frank, that guy who works at the skate shop that has the tattoo on his neck?”

Ville knew exactly who Brendon was talking about. He wasn’t a bad guy, Ville didn’t think, he was just all wrong for Brendon. He was smooth in a way that no one should be. He didn’t talk a lot; he let the way that he looked do that for him, beckoning people forward and sending them away with little more than a smile. But there was something cold about him, just the way he carried himself. Ville tried to hold it back, but the disappointment must have shown on his face, because Brendon kept talking before Ville could say anything himself. 

“I know! I’m sorry. But he comes into The Smoothie Hut on his break all the time. He always orders the orange mango thing that I like, and I thought that he must be nice, because he always leaves a big tip. And he smiles at me, and he says thank you, and sometimes if it’s empty he stays to talk while he drinks it. And I knew that he thought I was cute. But tonight…tonight it looked like he was waiting for me. And I wanted…I wanted someone to want me, I guess. Everybody always pairs off. And I know I have you, but I just wanted…I wanted to be part of something…someone.”

After that Ville caught the details. The guy waited for Brendon and he cocked his head to the side in an invitation. When Brendon didn’t understand it, he reached out and touched Brendon’s face. Brendon must have looked so vulnerable like that, Ville thought. It made him want to run his hand down Brendon’s jaw to erase the memory, but instead he patiently listened to the rest of the story. He heard how the guy had flat out asked for what he wanted, and Brendon was so surprised that someone actually wanted _him,_ that he felt like he couldn’t say no. “I didn’t know if I’d ever get the chance again,” Brendon said. 

Brendon was smart enough not to go to a stranger’s house, so he let that guy fuck him in his mom’s purple minivan that was parked outside of a Best Buy. It disgusted Ville to hear that the guy was delighted when Brendon admitted that he was a virgin. If he had been a gentleman at all, he would have told Brendon that it was okay, that it wasn’t his time. Instead he fucked Brendon on top of loose change in the back of the van while Brendon tried not to look like he was in any discomfort. “I didn’t want him to treat me like a kid,” was Brendon’s explanation. But he was a kid. Ville was a kid too, the difference was that Ville lost his virginity to another fumbling kid. It was clear that Brendon didn’t. 

“And after…he just kind of left. I mean, he gave me his number,” Brendon said, holding up his hand where the guy had scrawled his number in pen. “But it seemed like he wasn’t really expecting me to call. Fuck, Ville. He’s probably at home laughing about all this right now, and I’m just…I’m all messed up. What did I do?”

Brendon wasn’t crying again, but he looked like he wanted to. He leaned in to hug Ville, and Ville was struck by how wrong it felt. Brendon was heavy and so still, but worse than that, he smelled like sex and the wrong kind of deodorant.

“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up. You can’t go home like this,” Ville said.

Ville took his best friend and stripped him down in the bathroom that he shared with his brother. Brendon was so upset that he didn’t even have the sense to be embarrassed by his nudity. All he did was sniffle and lift his limbs when it was appropriate. 

Ville hesitated, but he undressed himself too. He was young and selfish, and even though it probably wasn’t the right way to fix things, he wanted an easy way to make Brendon feel better. Because that wasn’t something that Ville had to think twice about; Ville’s first instinct was always taking care of Brendon. So Ville disrobed even if he was ashamed of his body. It wasn’t like Brendon cared, anyway. Brendon wasn’t thinking clearly enough to appreciate or judge the way that Ville looked.

“Come on,” Ville said, before Brendon got scared.

They just showered together. Ville spent his time carefully washing the number from Brendon’s hand, rubbing over the hickey on his neck, then gently soaping the nail marks on his hips. Part of him wanted to turn Brendon around and make sure that they were safe, but he was afraid Brendon would start crying again. 

When he was clean, Ville hugged Brendon under the nearly scalding spray. “He should have stayed with you after. He should have done this.”

All Brendon did was shrug in Ville’s arms.

“Maybe this could just…maybe this could be us, Ville. We could have sex with other people and then we could take care of each other like this.”

“We both know we need more than that,” Ville said sadly.

Brendon just nodded his head. “I know. I just…you’re the only one that gets me. What if you’re the only one who ever will?”

“I won’t be.”

Eventually Brendon had to leave. Ville knew that he would be grounded for staying out late, but he figured that his friend could use the time alone to think about what he had done, and what he wanted to do next. After he got home, Brendon called Ville. They talked until Brendon fell asleep on the line.

……

When Ville and Bam were assigned a biology project that had to be worked on outside of school, Ville wanted to scream. It would have been so much easier if they had just let Ville pair up with Brendon. Things had been too tense with Ville and Bam since Bam tried to kiss him on the night of his jazz band concert. 

“So, how do you want to do this?”

Ville knew that he would end up doing a majority, if not all of the project, so he let Bam set up the logistics to make him feel like he was contributing. When Bam suggested that they work on it at The Margera house, he kind of wanted to change his mind.

“What about today? Jess can drive you to my place after school.”

“I…I can’t tonight.”

Bam smirked at him and leaned back in his chair. Ville could see a warm strip of skin between his jeans and his t-shirt and he wanted nothing more than to touch it.

“Let me guess…you’re reading porn to old ladies again tonight?”

Ville almost smiled, but bit his tongue instead. He decided to leave it unsaid that he read Mrs. Fallon porn on Wednesday nights.

“No. I take a judo class once a week,” he said.

For a moment, Bam’s eyes were roaming over him. Ville was so uncomfortable that he bit at his thumb nail, a habit that he hated. At first Ville thought that Bam was looking at him appreciatively, admiring him maybe, but Ville knew the truth. He was probably making fun of Ville, wondering how Ville was supposed to defend himself, never mind fight. 

“Alright, well I have to film tomorrow, so how about Friday?”

It was on the tip of his tongue to say, _‘you really want to work on a school project on a Friday,’_ but he didn’t have the confidence, not after Bam had sized him up and down.

Behind him he heard Brendon and his lab partner talking about how they had the same study hall period and wouldn’t have to meet after class. His lab partner sounded relieved that he wouldn’t have to be seen with Brendon after school, and Brendon seemed relieved that he wouldn’t have to let the boy with the eyebrow ring meet his parents.

……

Ville had a sour feeling in his stomach on Friday afternoon. He really didn’t want to go to Bam’s house to talk about life cycles and draw a diagram, but he didn’t exactly have another choice. The day before he had offered to do it himself and let Bam write his name on it, but Bam looked oddly hurt at the suggestion.

Before lunch, Jesse pulled Ville aside in the hallway.

“I have a date tonight, but I’ll pick you up when I’m done. Okay?”

Ville nodded obediently. His brother was cool, but that just made him feel like a bigger loser when he talked to him during school hours. Ville’s back straightened when he heard Jesse switch from English to Finnish.

“If he doesn’t behave himself, go find Jess. Don’t be afraid.”

It saddened Ville that Jesse had to switch into another language to talk about someone possibly being interested in Ville. And the fact that Jesse was so concerned with his virtue was completely embarrassing. Sometimes it seemed like Ville was his little sister, not his little brother. He would have said something if he thought he could get away with it without having Jesse punch him in the jaw.

“I’ll be fine,” Ville lied. “Just…don’t be too late. Brendon and I are doing the walk for hunger on Saturday morning, and I…I’m not really friends with Bam. I don’t want to be there that long,” Ville admitted.

“Walk for hunger, huh? At least mama and daddy raised one socially conscious son.” Jesse ruffled Ville’s hair the way he hated. “I’ll come when you call me, how about that, yeah?”

Ville nodded his head in thanks, then headed to the art room to eat his sandwich with Brendon and Spencer.

……

When Ville walked into Bam’s kitchen, he expected to get to work right away. He got out his books, sat down at the table, but then Bam looked at him cross-eyed.

“Dude, I just got home. I need a break first, alright?”

Ville nodded his head and Bam started drinking milk right out of the carton. 

“Brandon Cole Margera. If I see you drinking out of the milk carton one more time this week, I’m going to switch to soy. Are you listening to me?”

Ville’s back straightened. He had met April Margera when he was recording for CKY, but mothers always made Ville a bit nervous. Even if he knew he was never going to be anything for Bam, he wanted to make a good impression.

“Soy milk is gross, Ape. Besides, it’s not like Phil hasn’t been doing the same thing.”

“All of my boys are disgusting. I know this. Did you ever think to offer Ville some milk? Hello, Ville,” she said, offering him a warm smile.

“Hello, Mrs. Margera,” Ville said awkwardly.

Before April could say her usual, “please, call me April,” Bam walked over to the table and set down the carton in front of Ville. “You want to take a swig, man?”

Before Ville could decline, April picked the carton up and put it back in the fridge. “Honestly,” she said exasperated.

“Maybe we should go upstairs,” Bam suggested. Ville didn’t think that was such a good idea, but it wasn’t his house, so he didn’t get to make the rules.

……

It took Ville another hour before he managed to convince Bam to work on the project, but once he did, he at least sat next to Ville and asked stupid questions. Part of Ville was irritated, but he kept thinking back to what Mrs. Fallon said to him about Bam’s reading. Ville knew that Bam wasn’t stupid, he just needed a little help was all. He tried his best to stay patient.

They were almost done when Bam threw Ville’s book on the floor and sighed.

“Dude, we need a break.”

Ville scrambled to pick up it back up, but Bam shoved Ville with his leg. The physical contact stunned him.

“No seriously, we need a break. You should take one too.”

Ville relented and sat stiffly with his hands in his lap. Their closeness meant that Ville was all too aware of Bam’s relaxed posture and half closed eyes. It reminded him too much of the night of his jazz band concert. When Bam finally decided to break the silence, he managed to ask Ville the most awkward question he could have.

“Are you fucking Brendon Urie?”

For a long time, Ville didn’t say anything. He kept looking at Bam, wondering if he misheard him, or maybe Ville’s grasp on the English language failed him again. After repeating it in his head, he realized there was no other way to interpret what Bam asked him. And the worst part was, Ville had no idea what to say. It was an obvious answer, no, but the reality was it was much more complicated than that. Ville’s feelings for Brendon were so confusing and strong that they would never be able to summed up in a single sentence. More than that, Ville was pretty sure that it was none of Bam’s business. It wasn’t like they were friends or anything. Bam hadn’t earned the right to know what went on in Ville’s head and heart. 

“No,” Ville said softly. 

“But you like him though, right? I mean, that’s why you always have that pissed off look on your face. It’s because I called him a loser and made out with him at that party.”

A startled laugh slipped out of Ville‘s mouth after Bam spoke. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Brendon’s my best friend,” was all Ville said.

“But you’re in love with him, right?”

Ville shook his head and looked out Bam’s window. Jess’ van was out there, which meant he was home. Jesse warned him that if Bam wasn’t on his best behavior, he could go to him. Instead, Ville caved and answered his question.

“No. I…I love him. He’s my best friend, well, my only friend. It feels like that’s better than being in love with him sometimes.”

“Well if you’re not in love with him, then why don’t you like me? I sort of understand why you didn’t kiss me, okay? I can be a real dick sometimes. But whenever I try to talk to you at all, you either avoid me or cut me off.”

Ville didn’t say anything. He was too busy making sure that he didn’t make eye contact with Bam.

“Whatever, it’s stupid anyway. Not like anything would have ever happened. You’re Jesse Valo’s kid brother.”

Bam’s statement made Ville’s blood boil. He might have been Jesse’s brother, but he was also Ville. He made his own decisions and he took care of his own problems, which was more than could be said about Bam. He wanted to go home so bad it hurt, so he picked up his book. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Bam didn’t say anything until they finished their project. Ville’s hand had already reached into his pocket to grab his phone when Bam turned to him. “You know what? You’re right. Let’s just get this over with.”

And then Bam was kissing him too hard and too forcefully for Ville to enjoy. He kept thinking about the way he had kissed Brendon, and how sweet it had been. And then he thought about the way that Bam had kissed Brendon, and how sexy that had been. Both of those kisses were better compared to what Ville shared with Bam. With a push to Bam’s sternum, Ville shoved Bam away. 

“I didn’t want that,” Ville said. Because he wanted something nice, something reciprocal. He wanted a movie ending kiss.

“Don’t worry about it. Like I said, it’s over with. You had your shot and now it’s not going to happen again.”

Ville just nodded his head and got up. 

It was raining outside, but Ville decided that he would be more comfortable soaked to the bone in the rain than sitting in Bam Margera’s house.

When Jesse pulled up to the house to pick him up, Ville’s teeth were chattering and his hands were numb.

“That fucking asshole,” Jesse said, though Ville never told him that Bam had overstepped his boundaries.

……

After their botched kiss, Ville couldn’t face Bam in Biology on Monday morning. Luckily his time spent in the rain gave him a mild cold that he was able to fake into a real one. He sent their group project to school with Brendon. After school, Brendon came by to give him the homework he missed and alert him to what had happened in his absence. 

“Bam was pissed, man. I mean, he was stoked that he had something to pass in, but he seemed all angry. Then again he had to join another lab group for the day. He got stuck doing cell identifications with Marcy Singer and that girl that always smells like broccoli.”

Ville cracked a smile; partly because the girl did smell like broccoli and it was out of character for Brendon to point out something so mean about a lady, but mostly because Bam was unhappy that Ville was avoiding him. 

Ville didn’t want to date Bam, _not really,_ at least not in the state he was in. But there was a certain thrill knowing that he was able to let Bam down, just like Bam had let him down. 

……

Spencer broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before Valentine’s Day. To be honest, Ville was surprised that they made it that long. She was a nice girl, and Spencer was a nice guy, but other than the fact that they both ached to have someone to be with, they had little in common. 

It wasn’t a mutual thing, though. Apparently Haley had accidentally kissed one of the boys from her drama club. She had spent the entire semester before kissing him on stage, but one night they did it without an audience. Ville felt honestly bad for Spencer. It was one thing to break up with your girlfriend, it was another thing to be cheated on. There was something emasculating about it for Spencer, because as soon as she started holding another boy’s hand in the hallway, Spencer decided to grow a beard.

“I think it looks good,” Brendon said, practically bouncing on his heels.

“I think it looks patchy. You can’t grow convincing facial hair, Spencer,” Ryan said.

Ville kept his mouth shut. He thought it was a little ridiculous that they were talking about the facial hair of another boy, but then again some of his conversations with Brendon were pretty frivolous. 

With Spencer newly single, Brendon seemed to think it was some kind of opportunity. He spent as much time as he could with Spencer, hoping that he would have a shot at being his new partner. Ville worried that Brendon was going to get his heart broken, but he didn’t know how to approach the subject without telling Brendon he might not have a chance. With his parents constantly telling him he wasn’t good enough, his teachers telling him he needed to focus, and the church telling him he wasn’t living up to his potential as a true saint; Brendon’s self-esteem was already in enough jeopardy. Ville didn’t want to take away Brendon’s last shred of hope.

“Ville! Ville,” Brendon called one day running down the hall. Ville turned around and was tackled by Brendon who had just gotten out of his cast. Some days Ville wanted to break his leg all over again, just to have a little peace.

“Ville! Ryan heard me singing in chorus class, which is sort of embarrassing, but the point is that he thinks that I have a really good voice and he wants to start a band. And I’m going to be in the band! How cool is that?”

Ville pushed himself off the floor and helped Brendon up with him. “That’s great, Brendon. You do have a great voice.”

“I know, right? But we’re going to be in a real band, Ville. It’s going to be me, and Spencer, and Ryan. And you should be in it too. We need a bassist.”

Ville thought back to the two days that he had recorded for CKY. There was not a bone in his body that wanted to do that every day of his life. He simply shook his head. “I don’t think that would work.”

“Come on, Ville! We need a bassist. And you’re an awesome bassist. And Ryan doesn’t like me that much, but if it was you and Spencer, than at least a majority of the band would like me!”

If the circumstances were different, Ville probably would have said yes. But Ville knew Ryan and Spencer’s musical tastes were directed towards the pop punk genre that Ville never wanted to understand. He knew that he would end up playing something that he didn’t love. He couldn’t do that; not even for Brendon. 

“What about that kid with the long hair who sits second chair in the regular band? Spencer always likes his t-shirts and he wears tighter pants than I do,” Ville offered.

For a moment, Brendon’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah, no. What if Spencer likes him more than me? Besides, you’re my best friend. If I’m going to be famous, I want to be famous with you.”

Ville just shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll be your most dedicated groupie. How about that?”

Eventually Brendon realized that Ville wasn’t going to give in. “Alright, but one day you’re going to have to tell Spin magazine that you had an in on the ground floor of the best band ever and you said no. You’ll be saying ‘I knew them back then.’”

Ville just laughed. “And I’ll probably still be helping you balance your check book.”

“Whatever! You know I suck at math,” Brendon said before they headed to their next class.

……

Spring hit West Chester before anybody was really ready for it. Brendon was already sinking into depression knowing that he would be sent away for the whole summer. He tried to negotiate with his parents to get a lesser sentence, perhaps a month instead of three, but they argued that camp was good for his soul. 

Brendon picked up more shifts at The Smoothie Hut to make up for the fact that he wouldn’t be working during the summer. He was supposed to be squirreling money away to take his Mormon ‘mission,’ ideally before he went to BYU to attend college. Ville knew that Brendon didn’t want to do either of those things, but he never pointed it out.

So between Brendon working long hours and starting the band with Ryan and Spencer, Ville started to feel like he lost his best friend. To fill the time slots he picked up a private lesson at his judo school and started meeting with Mrs. Fallon twice a week instead of once.

The exciting thing was that at least once a week, Ville was able to read something original to Mrs. Fallon. He was progressing as a writer. Occasionally he still wrote trashy prose that he knew that Mrs. Fallon would enjoy, but not always. He was writing a bit of everything; sometimes questionable poetry, a collection of stories about his mother, and he even wrote a humorous characterization of his old best friend Mige. 

Every time Ville wrote something new, Mrs. Fallon would smile and put down her knitting. “You really do have a gift for this, honey. Someday soon I’m going to be reading you in Braille.”

Ville always laughed it off. “I’ll still find time to come visit you when I’m on my book tour.”

“See that you do,” she would say. 

……

After Easter came spring break, and with spring break came a nursing conference that Anita had to attend in Pittsburgh. Ville remembered the previous year when his parents went away for the weekend. Anticipating the fact that his brother was going to throw a party, Ville decided to make alternative plans.

“Can I stay at your house over vacation? Mama’s going to be out of town.”

Brendon chewed on his lip and looked like he wanted to run away.

“I was actually going to talk to you about that. Um, Spencer sort of asked your brother if we could play at his party even though Jess’ band is a lot better, and for some reason he said yes. So like, I kind of have to be at your brother’s party.”

Ville deflated and turned his back on Brendon without saying anything. 

“Can I still tell my mom I’m staying at your house,“ Brendon called after him, but Ville didn’t answer him. They were supposed to be losers together. Brendon wasn’t supposed to be hanging out with his older and cooler brother. And Ville certainly wasn’t going to cover for Brendon while he was doing it.

……

Brendon and Ville’s fight lasted longer than either of them anticipated, mostly because between practice and work, Brendon wasn’t around much. Ville knew it was petty, but he planned to spend the entire evening locked in his bedroom writing a story about betrayal and greed. A better friend would have sucked it up and went down stairs to watch the performance, but Ville thought that it was more than enough that he would have to hear it through the floorboards. 

Around eight there was a knock at his door. Ville anticipated Brendon looking just a little sad and awkward at Ville’s avoidance, but instead it was Jesse and Jess Margera. Ville took a step back.

“So look, I know you’re not one for parties and social bullshit, but you cannot just sit up here, Ville.”

Ville crossed his arms over his chest in an effort to look defiant. 

“You’re my brother and I have to love you, but if you don’t wipe that sour look off your face, I’m going to have to throw you out of your own house!”

Ville couldn’t help but glare at Jesse. Of course he would choose to embarrass him in front of Bam Margera’s brother.

“I don’t like parties, Jesse. Just leave me alone. I have a lot of work to do.”

And that’s when Jess Margera stepped in. “You’re on vacation, dude. You should lighten up. And I just so happen to have something to lighten you up.” He pulled a joint from behind his ear, which Ville thought was a little gross, but he missed the way he felt when he was stoned with Brendon and how close they were. He wished that he could go get Brendon so they could share it together. “Light it up, dude. This is going to be the best party ever and you should be a part of it.”

After cracking the window the three boys smoked their joint and Ville was so wonderfully stoned that he couldn’t complain when Jesse and Jess dragged him downstairs. “Jess, you fucktard. You didn’t tell me how strong this shit is. Why’d you let him smoke that much,” Jesse hissed.

Jess just rubbed Ville’s shoulders and sat him down on the couch. “He had to grow up sometime.”

Even though Ville was technically at the party, he wasn’t what you would call social. He spent most of his time staring blankly at the muted television and laughing at things that wouldn’t normally be funny. When Brendon showed up in front of him, Ville couldn’t keep the grin off his face. “Do you have any of those peanut butter crackers you eat at lunch? I like those.”

Spencer laughed next to Brendon. “He is so fucking stoned,” he observed.

“Why are you so stoned,” Brendon asked. He looked a little hurt, like Ville was maybe only supposed to smoke with Brendon. Well, he didn’t beat himself up too much about it. Brendon wasn’t paying enough attention to him.

“Jesse wanted me to come to the party, so he got me stoned. And I still didn’t want to come, but now I’m on the couch. Did I ask if you had peanut butter crackers?”

Just then, Ryan walked into the mix. “Why is Valo stoned? And why are we watching Valo sit on the couch stoned? Shouldn’t we be setting up?”

And like that, they were gone. A few minutes later a nice girl brought Ville a jar of peanut butter and a box of stale saltines. He didn’t know how she knew exactly what he wanted, but he thought that maybe if he liked girls he would have wanted to marry her. 

He was happily munching on his crackers when he heard the terrible feedback of a microphone.

“Um, hi everybody. I’m Ryan Ross, and we’re Panic! At The Disco. That’s Brendon Urie on vocals, Spencer on drums, and that’s Brent trying to tune his bass. What the fuck, dude? Get it together.”

For the thousandth time, Ville thanked God that he didn’t actually join Brendon’s band. Ryan could be a total asshole when he didn’t get his way. Ville picked up a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table and started to tuck into it without a glass. It made his full stomach ache, but at least he felt something other than the bitterness. 

Brendon was a great singer. Ville had figured that out a long time ago, but hearing him backed by a full band proved it. Part of him ached to go watch, to see how Brendon moved in front of his audience, but Ville was stubborn. If he watched Brendon’s set, he was sure that would mean that he had forgiven him, and he hadn’t. There was also the fact that Ville was too fucked up to stand, but that was just a minor detail.

“What are you doing in here by yourself?”

Out of anybody to find him, Bam Margera was probably the worst. Ville was alone in a room, drunk and terribly stoned, and Bam looked clean and sober and so fucking pretty that Ville wanted to tell him all about it.

“Your brother got me stoned and made me come to Jesse’s party.”

Bam sat down next to Ville on the couch, just a little too close, and they started passing the whiskey bottle back and forth. Ville remembered to take smaller sips. He had quite a head start on Bam.

“My brother is awesome,” Bam said with an appreciative smile.

“Brendon’s awesome. Can you hear him? You should be watching him. Because he’s awesome. I can’t, because I don’t think I can stand and I’m sort of mad at him.”

Bam laughed at him and leaned in closer.

“You are sort of a mess, Valo. You’re so gone that you’re talking more like Brendon than yourself. Fuck, you never talk. But just out of curiosity, why are you pissed at Brendon? I thought you were soul mates that don’t fuck or something.”

Ville hummed, thinking that was actually a pretty decent description of his relationship with Brendon before he joined the band with Spencer.

“Brendon was supposed to let me come over his house so I didn’t have to sit here for this stupid party. But then they got their first gig, so I didn’t have anywhere to go. And he doesn’t spend any time with me, because he’s in love with Spencer.”

Ville didn’t even feel remotely guilty for outing his best friend. He was too drunk. Besides, pretty much everybody in high school assumed that Brendon was gay anyway.

“Alright. Well, how about I fix this for you?”

“You can’t fix anything,” Ville slurred.

“You want to bet?”

Twenty minutes later Ville found himself holding a nearly empty whiskey bottle in Bam Margera’s tree house. It was pretty big for a tree house to be honest. As Ville took one of the last sips, he couldn’t help but remember the way that Bam’s hands felt on his ass as he gave Ville the last shove into the loft. He would have liked to have felt that again.

“Told you I’d fix it for you,” Bam said as he took the bottle out of Ville’s hands and put it off to the side. It seemed like an alright decision at the time, because Ville wasn’t sure that he could swallow anymore.

“Jesse is not going to be happy about this,” Ville said as he sprawled out on a musty smelling sleeping bag.

“Whatever. He’s not even going to notice you’ve gone missing for a few hours. Enjoy them!”

Ville nodded his head and closed his eyes. He hummed in appreciation when Bam straddled him.

“Jesse is _really_ not going to be happy about this,” Ville repeated as he put his hands on Bam’s waist. Part of him wanted to shove Bam away, but a bigger part of him wanted to hold him steady.

“You’re right about that one. But what Jesse doesn’t know isn’t going to get my ass kicked, right?”

Ville just shook his head. Bam sighed and then leaned down anyway. “Whatever. I’ll take the ass kicking from Jesse and Jess. This is going to be fun.”

And then everything was so fluid and perfect that Ville couldn’t say no. He was drunk and sloppy, but Bam seemed to take control of him so easily. He was on his back with his legs wrapped around Bam’s waist and the kisses were so slow and wet that Ville never wanted to stop. He kept tightening his legs in an effort to bring Bam closer. The friction felt so different than anything else had before. He was probably going to come in his jeans, he thought, but he was alright with that. As long as he got to have the little addictive kisses, he’d be embarrassed for the rest of his life.

“Shhh…don’t whine. I’ll give you whatever you want,” Bam said. That only managed to make Ville whine more. 

And when Bam held Ville’s wrists down against the floor of the tree house, Ville arched up and did come in his pants. It was so unexpected and hot and Ville couldn’t stop panting.

“Did you seriously just come? Jesus, you’re easy.”

Ville just blushed and arched up for another kiss. Bam groaned into Ville’s mouth.

The friction apparently wasn’t enough for Bam, because he put space between them. While holding Ville’s wrists down with one hand, Bam used his other to jerk off right above Ville. He wouldn’t kiss him, just kept looking at him like he wanted to remember it. Ville had to close his eyes so that he wouldn’t. He knew that if he could remember what Bam looked like when he came, that he might never make it out of the bathroom in the morning. He’d keep jerking off until he was sore.

“Fuck,” Ville heard, and then he felt the wetness. Bam came on that stretch of skin between his pants and his shirt, and Ville had never experienced anything hotter. He had been fucked by Demetrius, he had showered with Brendon, he had watched an almost disturbing amount of porn in his stupid life, and yet Bam coming on him had trumped it all.

After they caught their breath, Bam pulled up his zipper and worked on cleaning them both up. Ville whimpered in protest when Bam opened Ville’s jeans and gently swiped over his soft cock with Bam’s discarded shirt. Ville was embarrassed of Bam seeing his body, but he was also still oversensitive. He couldn‘t stop making little sounds of discomfort even as Bam handled him so carefully.

“Shh,” Bam hushed.

As soon as Ville was quiet they curled up together in the sleeping bag. It was a little too cold for camping, but with two boys in one bag, it was just enough to be comfortable. 

……

Ville was awoken the next morning by Jesse grabbing his chin. Jesse looked at him right in the eye and said, “Fuck you.”

Then he was gone. 

Bam slept through the entire thing, and although he protested when Ville wiggled out of his hold, he slept through that too. Ville knew he was being a coward, but he snuck out of the tree house without saying goodbye. When he made it to the ground again, he puked in Bam’s bushes with April looking on from the kitchen window. Ville wanted to die.

Jesse’s car was idling out front. When Ville got in it, Jesse didn’t say anything for a long time. He drove too fast and too erratic for Ville to ever get comfortable. And when it got to its worst, and Ville was convinced they were both going to die, Jesse pulled over to the shoulder and slammed the car in park. Several cars honked as they went by.

“What the fuck were you thinking, Ville? I thought you were dead. We all thought you were dead. If you want to go off and fool around with Bam Margera, that’s fine. You’re fucking up your own life when you do that. But do you mind telling someone first? Fuck, Brendon started to cry. He thought you ran away. We spent all night walking around the neighborhood looking for you. I was about to call the fucking police when Jess’ mother called to tell me that you were in her fucking tree house!”

Ville didn’t say anything. He put his hands in his lap and bowed his head obediently. Part of him wanted to cry, just like Brendon had. He was hung-over, he regretted what he had done, but there was also something else. The only one who ever really yelled at Ville was his daddy, and his daddy was in Finland. The fact that Jesse thought that he had to act as Ville’s father was just another ache on top of the others.

“Nothing to say?” Jesse asked.

Ville shook his head. 

“You disgust me, Ville. Sometimes you really do.”

Ville sniffled and somehow that satisfied Jesse. He started the car and headed back towards home. This time he drove slower and with more care. 

After that, Jesse left Ville alone. Those last words kept echoing in Ville’s head. “You disgust me.” He kept wondering if he disgusted his brother because he had allowed Bam to touch him, or was he disgusted because Ville was selfish enough to disappear.

……

Ville had only been sleeping for about an hour when he felt Brendon crawl into his bed with him. Ville sighed in contentment. He was still achy and hungover, but Brendon always smelled right and he knew the exact way that Ville liked to be held.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Brendon said before he pressed his lips to the back of Ville’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Ville said. His voice cracked when he did.

“I know.”

“No. Not just about leaving. I’m sorry that I was mad. And that I didn’t watch you play. I bet you were great.”

“We were,” Brendon assured.

Ville sniffled again and Brendon gathered him closer in his arms. Their bodies were both so much alike that it was always bone knocking against bone, but there was something comforting about that.

“I fooled around with Bam and Jesse says I disgust him. I…fuck, I disgust myself.”

Brendon’s lips touched the back of Ville’s head again.

“You don’t disgust me. I’m happy for you.”

Ville shook his head and turned around so he could put his head over Brendon’s heart.

“I don’t want to do it again. Not with him.”

“You’re lying,” Brendon accused.

“Sort of. I’ll always want him, but he’s…fuck, I’m not right for him.”

“You’re great, Ville. Maybe you should let someone other than me figure that out.”

“You’re all I need,” Ville said, clutching Brendon’s shirt with his hand.

“We both know that’s not true. But God do I wish it was, for both of us.”

They slept in bed like that until Jesse barged into Ville’s room and informed them that Mrs. Urie was looking for Brendon. He was polite to Brendon, but he didn’t even look at Ville.

…….

After Jesse’s party, Ville was more withdrawn than ever. His mother kept asking both of them what happened while she was gone, but neither boy spoke up.

At home, Ville would only speak when he was spoken to, and even then, he’d only do so in Finnish. 

At school, Ville refused to look at anyone. The first day back he stayed after school and politely asked his biology teacher for a new lab partner. His teacher looked at him sadly, as if knowing how upset he was. He seemed to have pity on him, because for the rest of the short semester, he let Brendon be his lab partner.

Bam was not happy by the change, and in fact, taunted him for it. Whenever they were alone together, Bam would speak to him in a cruel tone of voice.

“Too much of a pussy to face me the morning after, huh? Did you think I was going to give you a promise ring and make you some eggs? You think too much of yourself, Valo.”

And then it was the other boys. Bam had always been seen at school making out with girls, but he usually reserved his homoerotic displays for parties. The first time Ville saw Bam kissing and grinding up against a boy on school property, he gasped.

“Quit staring, you fucking freak,” Bam yelled at him. Ville turned red and immediately took the next hallway. 

There were bitter jabs as well. “He kisses better than you. Fuck, the way he tastes.” Generally Bam would whisper it in Ville’s ear like it was a seduction. It made him sick.

Sometimes Jess Margera would see it happen and come to Ville’s rescue, but for the most part Ville suffered in silence.

Even after weeks, Jesse still wasn’t looking at him. Not that Ville ever would have told his brother what Bam put him through; he didn’t want to hear him say “I told you so.”

**Chapter Seven**

The sick feeling in Ville’s stomach started as the weather got warmer. When girls started walking around in tiny shorts and skimpy tank tops, Ville knew that summer was approaching, and with summer it meant that Brendon would be leaving him.

Brendon hated talking about camp, so whenever Ville tried to bring it up, Brendon would hide his face against Ville’s stomach and shake his head. Ville probably should have pressed him on it, but he was too scared. Brendon was sad enough as it was. It seemed cruel to make Brendon talk about his fate when there was no way for either of them to change it. One day Ville went up to his room and found a red unhappy face drawn on his calendar in the box for June 9th. It could have been anything; Anita telling Ville he had a dentist appointment, Jesse just being stoned, but Ville took it as Brendon’s way of telling him when he was leaving. 

The hardest part to accept was that Ville wasn’t the only person that Brendon was leaving that year. Spencer and Ryan complained that if the band wanted to go anywhere; Brendon had to take it seriously. “You can’t just fuck off to camp for three months,” Ryan said. Spencer was never that mean about it, but Brendon said he seemed disappointed nonetheless. Ville hated that Brendon was so secretive about his home life. Maybe Spencer and Ryan would have been nicer to Brendon if they knew what he had to endure. 

It was selfish, but part of Ville wanted Brendon to only miss him. Maybe it was fucked up, but Ville thought it gave his life purpose when he was the only person that Brendon could depend on.

……

Ville was already sad about the fact that Brendon was leaving him, but he was not prepared for what would happen next. He had just arrived home from school when he found his mother sitting at the kitchen table with her hands carefully folded over the phone. 

Anita’s stiff posture was never a good sign, Ville had good reason to be nervous. Before Ville could worry too much, he took a deep breath and tried to dismiss his fears. Ville had been so upset and lonely since Jesse’s party that he’d practically been invisible. Whatever was going on must have been caused by Jesse, not him. 

Besides, Ville didn’t have a lot of time to argue with his mother. As it was, he barely had enough time to change his clothes and print out his latest story to read to Mrs. Fallon before he had to catch the bus to the retirement center.

“Please sit down, Ville.”

Ville took a deep breath when she said his name like that. Her tone indicated that she was not angry with him, but that she was giving him bad news. He sat down carefully, like the chair was going to run away on him. All he could think was that something had happened to his father.

“What’s going on? I…I’m going to be late,” he said shakily. He really didn’t want to be rude, but he honestly didn’t want to deal with whatever she had to say. Already he was raw and cracking at the edges. He wondered if there was anything else he could handle without flying apart completely. 

“That’s what I have to talk to you about. It’s…It’s Mrs. Fallon,” she said. 

Ville shook his head disbelievingly, because she was fine, he had seen her three days ago with his own eyes. They started a new book together, one where a young woman with her heart set on being a nun fell for a soldier in despair. It was actually good and Ville was looking forward to reading more of it. There was no way that she could be sick again.

“They found her this morning. She didn’t show up for breakfast.”

Inside his head Ville reasoned that maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe she just fell and needed her hip replaced again, he imagined. Ville didn’t want her to be hurt, but he remembered visiting her at the hospital. She was always so strong. With enough company and support, he knew that she would pull through.

“She went in her sleep,” Anita finally said. It knocked the breath right out of Ville’s chest.

Ville shook his head and Anita tried to cover one of Ville’s hands with her own, but Ville pulled it away. He didn’t want comfort, he wanted a reason. His mother understood medicine and science. She had to have an answer for him.

“H-how? She was…she was fine! She was knitting me a new hat.”

“It was just her time, baby,” was all she said. That answer was so unsatisfactory to Ville that he left the house.

He ached to be with Brendon, but Brendon was at The Smoothie Hut. Instead he started walking aimlessly, fully aware that nothing would make him feel better, but he knew if he stayed still he’d have a breakdown. It wasn’t until he was blocks away from his house that he realized that he forgot his phone. He didn’t turn back to get it though, because the truth was, Ville didn’t want anyone to reach him. 

He walked for miles. He was sweaty, and thirsty, and so far away from home. He knew that he had cried for part of his walk, but how many people saw him, he wasn’t sure. For the first time in his life, Ville didn’t care what he looked like or what people thought of him.

Eventually he sat on a bench in front of a park. It was getting dark, and even though it was selfish, he was starting to get scared for himself rather than sad for Mrs. Fallon.

He tortured himself by thinking about what her latest knitting project looked like on her bedside table. It would always remain unfinished. The retirement center would probably just throw it out like it was trash, Ville worried. It was such a stupid and trivial thing to linger on, but Ville couldn’t stop. She would never finish anything ever again; not a knitting project, not a trashy novel, not even a meal. She would never finish telling Ville about meeting her first husband in Amsterdam and marrying him in Mexico.

He thought about everything they wouldn’t be able to share until he saw the harsh light of high beams illuminating him from behind. 

“I found him,” Ville heard in the distance.

A smart person would have walked toward that voice, but Ville sat still with his knees tucked to his chest. When someone sat down next to him, Ville didn’t even look to see who it was.

“You scared the shit out of your mother, you know. She’s been crying since you left.”

Bam, of course it was Bam, Ville thought. Bam seemed to have a habit of showing up whenever Ville didn’t want him to.

“I’ll tell her I’m sorry later,” Ville said with a hoarse voice. Funny, sometimes his voice sounded like that when he was done reading to Mrs. Fallon.

“You should probably come home now. We’ve been driving around looking for you for like hours.”

“Why the fuck do you care,” Ville spat. Bam had been so cruel to him that Ville couldn’t stand the cautious way that Bam looked at him. In theory, he should enjoy seeing Ville so miserable.

“Because I’m friends with your brother, alright?”

Ville deflated at that news. Deep down inside, he guessed that he wished Bam actually cared about him.

“My friend died last night. You met her once, do you remember?”

Bam whispered _‘shit’_ under his breath and brought his hand to the bridge of his nose. He obviously did not want Ville to have a breakdown in front of him, but Ville was going to have it regardless.

“I remember. Crazy old lady with the dirty books. I’m sorry, really I am, but can we just get you home? Your mom is seriously worried.”

Bam stood up, hopeful that Ville would follow him, but he didn’t. Instead he yelled from his spot on the bench.

“She wasn’t crazy. She was sweet and eccentric, and she made really ugly scarves. I saw you. You wore the scarf she gave you all winter. She doesn’t get to die and not have anybody notice. You can’t just write her off as some crazy old lady who didn’t matter!”

Bam sat back down and put his hand on Ville’s back reassuringly. “Hey. Hey. No. I didn’t say that. It matters. It’s very sad. I’m sorry.”

Ville shook his head. “It’s not sad. It’s so much worse than that. She was so funny, and so sweet. And I was the only one who ever visited her. How can someone be that great, and only I got to know that?”

“I’m sure lots of people knew how great she was. She was just old.”

Ville hissed at that excuse. 

“You don’t understand what she did for me. No one ever will. And no one cares how I feel. You just want me at home so Jesse will be off the hook, I get that. But I’m not ready to go yet.”

Bam sighed and pulled out his phone to send a text. Ville was sure that any second Jesse and Jess would pick Ville up and shove him in the back of Jess’ van, but it didn’t happen. Instead, Bam put his arm over the back of the bench behind Ville. Ville didn’t entertain the idea that Bam was trying to comfort him, but at least he didn’t leave him alone in the dark.

“The minute I walked in there, all she talked about was you. She said she had very high expectations, because you were always so good to her. I think she felt bad after that, because I don’t read so good. I’ve got that thing where you mess up all the letters in your head. Dysflexia, or something.”

“Dyslexia,” Ville corrected.

“Yeah, I’ve got that thing. So I’m reading the gross book to her at a snail’s pace, you know? And anybody else would have been real glad to see the back of me, because I probably gave her a headache, but she asked me in this real sweet voice if I was coming back tomorrow. She said that you would want me to come back tomorrow, and I did. The second day I did voices, because if I couldn’t read up to your standards, at least I could make her laugh. She was kind of annoyed at first, but by the end of it, I had her laughing so hard that people came in to ask what the hell was so funny.”

Ville smiled despite himself and he found himself leaning his head against Bam’s shoulder. He never wanted Bam to stop. He could hear a thousand stories about Mrs. Fallon and it would never be enough. 

“She loved you like you were her son, which is a little fucked up considering you read her porn. But she loved you. She kept saying that, you know? Like…every time I took a break to rest my eyes or whatever, she said something awesome about you. At first I thought she was really fucked up and wanted in your pants, but eventually I got it. You were just…you were her family. You made her happy.”

And then Ville cried in front of Bam Margera because he couldn’t stop himself. Bam put his arm around Ville’s back and let him curl in close. As the night got darker, Bam pushed him down so that his head was resting in Bam’s lap. Fingers carded through Ville’s hair when they both got restless.

“Will you wear her scarf again this winter? For her?”

“I’ll wear it every winter. For you,” Bam said.

……

A few days after Ville’s breakdown in the park, he had to attend Mrs. Fallon’s wake. It was one of the hardest things that he had ever done. It was harder than when Brendon left for camp, than watching his daddy leave, it was even harder than leaving Finland - the only home he had ever known. 

Brendon went with him. His mother was in the funeral home somewhere, probably talking to other nurses who had fallen in love with Mrs. Fallon’s wit, but Ville never knew. 

They kneeled together in front of her casket and not once did Brendon let go of Ville’s hand. It was the first dead body that either of them had ever seen. Ville knew that he owed it to Mrs. Fallon to be there, but he couldn’t help but think that it was inappropriate to look at a dead woman.

“May you rest easy wherever you are,” Ville said. He slipped the story he never got to read her between the pages of her very favorite trashy novel and tucked them into the side of the casket. Ville was happy that he had something to send her off with. 

After that he was forced to walk down the line of family members that paraded behind the casket. Ville shook hands and made small talk. He was bitter though. He wanted to know where all those people were when Mrs. Fallon had her hip replaced. He wanted to know where they were when she had to have surgery to repair her wrist after she fell in her room. Ville was always there.

“Mom talked about you on the phone all the time. You were her little angel,” a woman said. Ville recognized her from the pictures that Mrs. Fallon insisted on putting on the nightstand, though she could never see it. She was Mrs. Fallon’s daughter-in-law from Phoenix. The one that had probably given her son the heart attack, _though there was never a way to prove it,_ Mrs. Fallon would whisper like it was a conspiracy. Ville always loved the bitter way Mrs. Fallon said her name, _Diane,_ like it was a curse. After that, she would snort and say a prayer to her son. It itched under Ville’s skin to tell the woman as much, but he held his tongue and shook her hand politely.

After twenty minutes, Ville found himself tucked into the back of the room with Brendon. With all the smells and voices echoing through the strange room, Ville thought that he was going to have his very first panic attack. It wasn’t like his usual asthma attack, but he couldn’t seem to find his breath. Before he got in too deep, Brendon crowded him into the corner and loosened Ville’s tie for him. Ville grabbed onto Brendon’s hands and squeezed them tight before he could step back.

“Hey. Hey. It’s okay. I’m here. Let’s…let’s sing, okay?”

Ville nodded, and in the corner of a funeral home in West Chester, Brendon and Ville sang Amazing Grace in harmony. 

_“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me…”_

Ville noticed that people were surrounding them. He hated being looked at like a show pony at Mrs. Fallon’s wake, but he felt as if he would shatter if he stopped singing. In the background, women held their hands to their chests while the two of them sang. Ville’s mother wiped a tear from her cheek.

Ville choked before he got to the last line. “Was blind, but now I see,” Brendon sang alone. Ville’s bottom lip quaked with the effort not to cry. Mrs. Fallon was blind, but she always saw. She saw through everything, Ville thought. He didn’t believe in an afterlife, but when he realized that he was going to watch them lower Mrs. Fallon’s body into the ground the next day, he wished that he could pretend. It would have been a comfort to know that she would be watching him from somewhere far away. The reality that she was gone and all Ville had was a memory was almost too much for a boy his age to handle.

……

Ville didn’t speak unless it was to answer a question for a week after Mrs. Fallon’s funeral. The wake was bad enough, but between the sad screech of the bag pipes and a priest telling Ville that his friend was in heaven, Ville couldn’t hold it together. 

His mind ran all day long. Thousands of different stories were lodged in his head that he refused to put on paper, simply because he didn’t have anybody to read them to. 

He knew that Brendon was taking it the worst, because Brendon didn’t have the time to see Ville get better. He had to be in Utah at the end of the week. 

Ville was staring at the TV blankly when Anita walked into the room holding an envelope.

“Your daddy and I bought you a present, Ville.” And what a present it was. Ville nearly cried when he opened it. His parents were sending him to Finland for the summer. At least he wouldn’t be alone, he thought.

Brendon celebrated with him that night with a joint that they stole out of Jesse’s sock drawer.

“I’m glad you smiled again before I left. I didn’t want to go three months without seeing that.”

Ville kissed Brendon playfully on the cheek.

“I wish you were going to come with me.”

Brendon nodded his head. “I wish I was going anywhere else, dude.”

……

Four days after Ville’s goodbye with Brendon, Ville was put on a plane to Finland to spend the summer with his daddy. His mother and brother were both so careful with him when they dropped him off.

“Don’t be afraid to ask to come home, sweetheart. I don’t know if I can spend three months without my baby.”

His mother sniffled as Jesse searched through Ville’s pile of papers to make sure he had his ticket, his passport, and his state ID. Jesse was always the planner in the family even if he was a complete mess with practical day to day activities.

“Don’t forget that it’s okay to miss this place,” Jesse added.

As he sat in his uncomfortable coach seat on the plane, Ville kept wondering about what was to be missed. The two good things he had in West Chester weren’t there anymore. Mrs. Fallon was dead and Brendon was miserable in Utah.

But as his eyes started scratching for sleep despite the crying baby behind him and the toddler running up and down the aisle of the plane, Ville kept thinking about Bam. He kept thinking about their terrible kiss, and their beautiful one, and the way it felt to have Bam’s fingers in his hair. He shut his eyes tight when he had to put his jacket over his lap to hide his erection. God, he was such a loser. He had no control.

……

When Ville landed in Helsinki, he expected his daddy to meet him out front amongst the cabs, as it was one of his favorite practical jokes. He would tell people he wasn’t on duty while they were desperately looking for a speedy ride home. But instead of seeing his daddy, Ville found Mige. He was gruff, and older, and fatter, and so much different than Ville remembered.

“Ville!”

Mige called his name and ran forward. He was so excited that he lifted Ville straight off the ground. Ville laughed the entire time and not once did he try to curb the hiccupping honest laughter that Ryan Ross never failed to mock.

“It’s good to have you back. Your daddy is working tonight, so I offered to give you a lift home. You got all your bags, yes?”

“Yes.”

It also turned out that Ville would be spending his summer living above a sex shop. That to him was three parts awesome, two parts gross, and one part embarrassing.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow. We’ll have lunch with Linde and Burton. They’ll be happy to see you.”

……

It turned out that Ville’s parents picked the perfect year to send him to Finland. Mige had for whatever reason joined the military. Ville knew that there was a possibility that he might never see him again. Mige was the only person he knew that stood a chance of getting shot at a peace accord. When Ville asked him why he was doing it, Mige’s answer was simple.

“I don’t know what else to do with my life.”

Ville didn’t want the same thing to happen to him. There was no way that he could ever hold a gun outside of a video game. He decided to dedicate his summer to finding out who he was and what he wanted to be.

……

From: VHVdoom@thismail.com  
To: BrendonUriesays@thismail.com

Brendon,

This summer is by far the best gift that my mother ever could have given me. 

Not only do I get to spend three months with Mige before he goes to die for his country or something else ridiculous, I get to spend time with my daddy again. His rules here are lax. And as long as I remember not to drink the last of the milk and clean up after myself, he’s happy. I’m happy.

I’m working about thirty hours a week at the sex shop. It was scary at first. I don’t know how to sell vibrators or recommend a porn video. I’ve only watched the free stuff I can find on the internet. But I think my confidence is really coming in.

At night Mige brings me to bars and we drink too much beer and hang out with his crazy friends. In the morning, daddy makes me eggs and tells me I’m becoming a man.

He keeps talking about selling the shop like he’s going to come home to us soon, but I can’t figure out why. Mama could be a nurse anywhere and he seems so much happier here.

Sometimes I think I’m happier here too, but then I’ll tell someone a story about you, and I think that I would miss you too much to not go home.

I miss you. I wish you weren’t in Utah. You should be with me here.

-Ville.

……

It was noon when Ville woke up, exhausted from staying out until four in the morning with Mige. He was groggy, but he had set an alarm. His mother always called after she got home from work and she hated hearing that Ville hadn’t gotten out of bed yet.

Ville drank black coffee at the kitchen table while he waited for the phone to ring. The past few days had been a blur for him. Somehow he managed to lose his passport, fuck the bouncer of a prominent night club, and get a tattoo. He traced the edges of the black heart on his wrist with a hiss. His daddy was still not pleased about that decision. His mother was less happy about it when Kari told her about it over the phone.

When the phone rang, Ville smiled.

“Hi, mama,” he said with a sweet voice. As much as he loved his freedom and new found popularity in his home country, he really did miss his mother.

“Hi, baby. Tell me you didn’t do anything else stupid,” she begged.

“No more tattoos. I did lose my passport though. Mige took me to get a new one yesterday. I’ll have it in about a week.”

His mother sighed at the news, but then she asked him what had been going on. He was honest with her. He told her that he spent his nights out late with Mige and that he was having a good time. He told her that he had met a boy that he liked, but he didn’t think it would be serious.

“Don’t fall in love with a boy over the summer, Ville. You’ll be home before you know it and it will break your heart.”

It didn’t occur to him until he hung up the phone that he had just come out to his mother. She didn’t even sound shocked when Ville mentioned that he was seeing a boy. Was he that obvious, he wondered. 

Before he could brood on it too much, his daddy came in to refill his coffee thermos. He looked like it was Christmas morning when he realized that Ville had already made a pot.

“Daddy. Did you know that I’m gay?”

Ville half expected his father to drop the coffee pot, but instead he laughed loud and smiled at his son.

“Ville, you’ve never been good at keeping secrets. Jesse yes, but not you. We’ve known. For a long time now.”

Ville nodded his head and took another sip.

“It would have been quite helpful if you had mentioned that to me a while ago, daddy.”

Kari patted Ville’s shoulder warmly. “Now where’s the fun in that, boy.”

They shared a cup of coffee together before Kari headed down the stairs. Just before he shut the door, he called out to Ville.

“We have a case of extra-large condoms that are scarily close to the expiration date. We’re selling them for half price. Try to offer them with every sale. Most men are too embarrassed to admit that they aren’t hung like stallions to deny the sale.”

Ville groaned as his daddy laughed again. His life was so weird.

……

A few days after he came out to his daddy, Ville had a very bad day. A customer who was more interested in flashing Ville with his brand new Prince Albert piercing than buying something new to pleasure himself with had come into the shop. And while the piercing wasn’t infected, and the man wasn’t hard on the eyes, Ville did not ask to see the merchandise. Eventually Ville had to politely ask him to leave, as other customers were fleeing to avoid the scene. 

After that, Ville had to explain to a matronly woman why she could not return an opened vibrator just because it failed to give her an orgasm. Ville had many uncomfortable conversations in his life, but that was perhaps the worst.

And at the end, just when he was getting ready to close up, a beautiful man came into the shop. He lingered looking over the videos. He browsed for a long time and Ville spent every second of it staring at his backside. When he came up to the counter, he flashed a cover to Ville. “I’m in this one.” Ville rolled his eyes as he read the title. ‘Tinkle Twinks,’ it read cleverly. That was _so_ not Ville’s kink. “Are you off soon? Do you want to go out for a drink?” And although the guy would have been the best looking person that Ville had ever slept with, he was pretty sure that he would never be able to drink anything or relieve himself in peace around the gentleman. “No thank you,” Ville said politely.

When he made his way upstairs, he made it a point to shut off his phone. He didn’t want to let Mige have the opportunity to talk him into going out again. For some reason he was unable to say no to his old friend. It seemed better that they not talk at all.

Instead Ville turned on his computer and checked to see if he had any mail. He had a lot of junk, but he also had two worth reading.

From: Jesselight@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville,

Mama says that I have to write to you because I’m never home when she calls you. I keep telling her that it’s not going to kill us if we don’t talk for three months, but she doesn’t believe it.

Mama misses you. I think she’s going crazy without you. I’m not home enough and she’s always loved taking care of you best. She cooks for a family of four and she’s the only one eating. I try to remember to be home for dinner, but that doesn’t happen very often.

Jess and Bam come to dinner with me sometimes. Jess is very polite and seems to harbor a little crush on our mother. I think it’s disgusting. I keep telling him that daddy is coming back soon, but he doesn’t believe me. I’ve told her all about it and insist on calling her Mrs. Robinson around the house. She has hidden the Simon & Garfunkel cd twice. 

I hope you’re having more fun in Finland than you were having here. I still think you’re a loser, and I like not having to share the bathroom with anyone, but it’s not the same without you.

Write back soon. It makes me look like a cunt if I write to you and you don’t write back.

-Jesse. 

Ville smiled and frowned an equal amount of times as he read the email. He was pissed off that Jess Margera thought his mother was attractive, he was pissed that Jesse called him a loser, but he was happy that Jesse wrote to him at all and that Bam had eaten at his dinner table.

Ville hadn’t really had a chance to talk to Bam after the night in the park where Ville vented about Mrs. Fallon’s passing. He appreciated what the other boy did for him, and deep down inside, Ville convinced himself that Bam was someone worth caring about under all the tension and cruelty.

Before he could linger too much on Bam, (because his daddy was home and Ville hated jerking off when his daddy was in the next room) Ville decided to close the email and move onto Brendon’s.

From: BrendonUrieSays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville,

Camp sucks so much and I hate it. I don’t know why I didn’t just run away when I had the chance.

I’ve been selected with a few of the other boys to have special meetings with the priest. He is counseling us on how to be at peace with our faith.

At first I thought that by being singled out together, the other boys and I would become friends. I was so wrong about that. They are all angry boys who should be headed to reform school instead of an LDS camp. One of them likes to talk about how he hurts cats!

I hate that for some reason I end up being lumped together with a boy who likes to hurt things. I know that sometimes I’m annoying and hard to handle, but that doesn’t hurt anyone, does it? Like, if God exists, and he made me, wouldn’t he love me just the way I am?

I don’t know. It’s all so confusing and I can’t sleep. I have the top bunk in my room this year and my roommate likes to kick my mattress when I move too much or snore. It’s not my fault! I can’t help what I do in my sleep.

Even checking my email sucks lately. I either get messages from you that tell me that you don’t want to come back, or I get messages from my mother about how maybe we should all move to Utah full time, and worst, I get messages from Ryan yelling at me for not being dedicated to the band.

It seems like the only messages I like are Spencer’s. He sends me jokes and pictures of baby animals. And sometimes he tries to describe what the drum line he’s writing sounds like. And best of all, he tells me that he can’t wait for me to get home so we can just hang out. It’s not even about the band, he wants to go hang out in the arcade, or take me to this gross bowling alley he found.

Ville, why do I have to be so pathetic? Why did I have to fall in love with Spencer? And really, how long can I go without telling him? Someday I’m going to blurt it out. I can never keep a secret. I keep thinking that he wouldn’t hit me if he found out, but he’d just give me that serious look he has and tell me that we can’t be boyfriends, because he’s not gay.

I think I might hate being gay. It’s never done much good for me.

I miss you, Ville. I miss you so much.

Love, 

Brendon.

Ville had to rub his forehead after he read Brendon’s email. It hurt him a little to know that his emails had made Brendon sad. He’d just been so excited when he got to Finland that he couldn’t help raving about it. Worst still, he couldn’t bear to read the words that Brendon hated being gay. He knew that his first time with another man had not gone well, and that he hadn’t had a second yet, but he knew that someday someone would be perfect for Brendon. The bad part was, Ville seriously doubted that Spencer was going to be the person to help Brendon embrace his sexuality. 

……

Ville got pretty good at volleying emails back and forth with his brother. In fact, Ville was pretty sure that they got along better when they didn’t actually have to look at each other when they communicated.

Ville was also pretty sure that he regretted ever getting into a comfortable relationship with his brother when the phone call came in at five in the morning. He’d only been sleeping for a few hours and he knew that it was only around ten in the evening back in West Chester.

“Hei,” Ville croaked, too afraid to open his eyes. The bright lights on his alarm clock hurt his eyes.

“Oh shit. Jess. Jess, we forgot about time zones. This is going to be less funny.”

Ville thought that it was one of the few times in his brother’s life when he was right. There was nothing funny about being woken up at ass-o’clock in the morning.

“What time is it there,” Ville heard Jess Margera ask in the background.

“Like…shit, five or six, I think. So much less funny.”

Jess was laughing in the background, but he insisted to Jesse that it would still be funny. Ville decided that if his brother woke him up at an ungodly hour of the morning, he may as well get a laugh out of it, so he stayed on the line.

“Ville? You’re going to laugh so hard. So hard, man.”

Ville just groaned in response.

“So Jess and Bam are staying here, because Bam burned down the kitchen, or whatever.”

Ville could only imagine how that went over, but instead of asking, he rolled over and curled in closer to the pillow.

“So Bam’s sleeping in your bed and wearing your fucking pajamas,” Jesse said, barely able to hold back his laughter. “We sent him to bed early, like an hour ago, because he was so fucking drunk. And just now, we went in to go dangle his hand in some water so he’d wet your bed, but instead we find him jerking off under your Star Wars blanket. That’s right, little brother. Bam just spanked it all over your bed. Isn’t that funny?”

No, it wasn’t funny at all. It was actually disgustingly hot. Ville’s cheeks went hot just at the thought.

“Ville? Are you there?”

“Jesse. It’s five in the morning, and I hate you, and I’m going to bed. Also, you better wash my sheets,” Ville said, almost regretting the last part.

“Whatever. You know you whack off more than anyone else on the planet. Later, Ville.”

Jesse hung up on Ville before Ville could have the satisfaction of doing it.

He tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t manage it. His skin itched. All he could think was that he had jerked off in that same bed the night before he left for Helsinki. Bam had just jerked off in the same spot where Ville jerked off. In order to actually sleep, Ville took matters into his own hand. He gave himself a slow wank imagining what Bam looked like sprawled out on his bed with his cock in his hand.

……

From: BrendonUrieSays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville,

I don’t know why, but I’m really scared.

Two days ago one of the junior councilors at camp caught two boys kissing behind the cafeteria. It was during the middle of the day, so they were sort of stupid and kind of asking to be caught, but it’s all anybody can talk about.

We’ve been having extra meetings talking about purity and loving our brothers without _loving_ our brothers too much. It’s hard for me not to blush or fidget. I don’t want to look guilty, but I’m sure I do. I think just about everybody here assumes I’m gay, but they just don’t have proof.

The weird thing is that the two kids that got caught were the last people you would ever expect. They were like, the kings of LDS camp. They were BYU bound, for sure. 

I wonder what’s going to happen to them now that they’ve been caught. I wonder if they waited all year for this, to see each other at camp again. It’s hard to believe that anybody would look forward to coming here when I hate it so much.

I just wrote Spencer about what happened to them. I wrote and deleted it like twenty times. He knows I go to a church camp, but I guess I just don’t want him to know how strict it is? Not that he’d care, but I don’t want him to think that I’m a total religious freak...because obviously we both know that I’m not. Anyway, I guess I told him just to see what his reaction would be. I really hope he doesn’t say that gay people are gross. Because like...I came out to you, but you’re the only one who knows. I mean, everybody assumes I’m gay or whatever, but you’re the only one who knows _for sure._ This feels like a big step, I guess. God, this is all so lame. I’m so lame, Ville!

I can’t wait for summer to end. I really can’t. Why does it feel like I’m the only boy in the world that hates summer?

Love,  
Brendon.

After Ville read Brendon’s email, he felt inspired to write for the first time since his mother told him that Mrs. Fallon had died. He sat in front of his lap top and spent hours writing a story about two boys at summer camp who were rivals and lovers at the same time.

Usually Ville’s stories ended tragically, but Mrs. Fallon never seemed to like that. Brendon never liked that either. Even though it wasn’t in his nature, Ville gave the story a happy ending, one where it flashed forward fifteen years into the future. In the story, those two boys became happily married men who sent their daughter to the same summer camp.

It was three in the morning when he finished it and sent it off to Brendon. He was proud of himself when he did.  
……

A few days after Ville sent the story to Brendon, he smiled when he saw an email from his best friend. The subject line contained about a hundred exclamation points.

From: BrendonUrieSays@thismail.com  
To: VHVdoom@thismail.com

Ville!

The story was perfect, and just what I needed, and totally the best way ever to cheer me up. It’s been a long time since I read one of your stories. I forgot how good they are. Remind me to start having you do my English homework when we both get home!

I have to admit, it does make me sad that I don’t have my own rival to fall in love with at camp. Though to be perfectly honest, I would never send my own kid to camp, even if it wasn’t an LDS camp. 

It really does feel like hell here sometimes. I don’t like group activities, you know that. I’m happiest when we sit on your bed and play Halo against each other while eating your mom’s cookies. I miss your mom. I miss her cookies too. Your mom should send cookies to me next year.

Oh! Oh! Oh! I almost forgot the most important part! Spencer emailed me last night and said that my story about the kids at camp made him sad. He said that they shouldn’t have been punished, because it was totally cool to be gay. Well, I think he meant it more as it was ‘socially acceptable’ or ‘totally normal,’ but I’m going to pretend that he thinks I’m cool because I’m gay.

I know. I know. I’m totally lame. But at least I know that even if he never likes me back, he’s never going to want to bash my head in, you know? I feel good about that.

Still miss you, though. We’ll be home soon!

Love,  
Brendon.

Ville smiled as he closed the email and got in bed. It was the simplest of things he could have done for Brendon, but he was glad that his friend liked the story. The information about Brendon wanting to come out to Spencer made him a little nervous though. Brendon was young and sensitive in a way that trumped Ville’s own issues. Spencer seemed so mature and aloof in comparison. Ville was scared that Brendon would never get what he wanted.

……

It seemed strange to Ville that his new and old friends from Finland kept talking about how much they were going to miss him. Ville liked them enough, but they weren’t Brendon. They didn’t have an unconditional bond that was impossible to understand. There was Mige, but not even Mige understood Ville the way that Brendon did, and Anita always reminded Ville that Mige was in diapers with him.

As he started saying his goodbyes to new friends and acquaintances, everybody seemed to give him a parting gift. 

He received the perfect leather pants from Lars, the guy who worked at the coffee shop and wanted so badly to sleep with Ville, but to whom Ville never said yes. As he handed them over, he made some terrible innuendo about it being the only way to get Ville into his pants. 

Linde gave him his old favorite beanie, the one that his dreads no longer fit in. It smelled like patchouli and the last joint they smoked together. Ville took it with a kiss to Linde’s lips that no one else ever saw. 

Jussi, his coworker at his daddy’s shop, gave him a series of T-shirts with bands that he had never heard of and others with obscene phrases in the Finnish language. 

And last came Mige’s gift. It was the jacket that Mige wore all through high school. Ville didn’t want to take it, but Mige wouldn’t take no for an answer. “I’m too fat for it now. Besides, I’ll be wearing a pressed uniform from now on. I won’t need a leather jacket to pick up girls,” was his excuse. Ville thought about it, and although he really didn’t want to take the reminder of Mige’s golden years, he felt ungrateful not accepting it. “You know I’m not going to use it to attract a woman, right?” Mige just clapped him on the back and told him that it would bring Ville luck.

When Ville was packed and ready to go, his daddy pulled him into a tight hug. “This summer did good things for you, son. You look grown up.”

Ville nodded, because as grown up as his daddy said he looked, part of Ville still wanted to throw a tantrum. He wanted his daddy to come with him.

When Kari parked in front of the airport, he turned to Ville and said, “You take care of your mother for me, you hear?”

Ville nodded sadly and bit his tongue so he didn’t cry.

“Hey. Don’t pull that look. I have some leads. I’ll sell the shop and I’ll be home before you know it.”

“I’ll miss you, daddy. I…I love you,” Ville said. It didn’t matter how grown up he was, he couldn’t not say it.

“I love you too, Ville. And I loved having you here. You made me very proud.”

Ville waited until he was in the lavatory of the airplane before he let the first few tears fall. At least he was man enough to not cry publicly, he thought.

**Chapter Eight**

Ville was bone tired and just a little confused when he arrived home in West Chester. His mama was waiting for him at the baggage claim with tears already in her eyes. Ville didn’t let any spill himself, but he wanted to. When she hugged him and told him just how much she missed him, he wanted to crawl into her lap and let her sing him folk songs while she rubbed his back. On his departure from Finland, his father had made it a point to tell Ville how much he had grown up, it seemed funny that all it took was his mother’s hand on his shoulder to make him feel like a little boy again.

“I’m making your favorite tonight. And you’re going to eat it all. What has your father been feeding you? Rice and lettuce? Honestly, I can’t believe how thin you are. You’re thinner than Brendon is. And taller, Ville. You’ve gotten so tall.”

Ville would have pointed out to her that she was talking faster than Brendon did when he accidentally went off his meds, but he figured he better be polite since he just got home.

And what a homecoming it was, he thought. There was a banner in the living room that said ‘Welcome Home Ville.’ For just one moment, Ville thought that Brendon was there and that he arranged an over the top party for him. Then Ville realized that Brendon still had four days at camp and that he didn’t actually have anyone other than Brendon to invite to a party.

“Your brother just ran out to that bakery that you like. I was going to make your favorite cookies, but I know how much you like the spice cake they have there. Phil said he’d make it special, just for you.”

Ville nodded along, almost forgetting that Phil Margera worked at his favorite bakery.

While waiting for Jesse to get home, Ville went upstairs to freshen up. He obviously never forgot the story that his brother had told him about Bam jerking off in his bed, but after close inspection, he didn’t see any evidence. His room looked unlived in and that part scared Ville. He wondered what would happen to his parents when their children left the nest.

……

Brendon was at Ville’s house exactly an hour after he arrived home from camp. He stayed at home long enough to tell his parents about camp events, say a prayer, and plan his last week of church functions before school started. Brendon said his parents seemed disappointed when Brendon didn’t want to stay for dinner, but they didn’t understand that it wasn’t home to their son. He slept there, and he occasionally ate there, but he was most at home when he was with Ville and his family.

“Ville! Ville! I want marshmallows. And butternut squash soup. And a hug. And I really want to sleep here tonight, but I’m afraid my mother will ground me.”

Anita and Ville laughed at Brendon’s enthusiasm and smothered him in hugs. Even Jesse told Brendon that it was nice to see him. 

Two hours later, Brendon broke Ville’s heart.

“Hey, Ville? Would it be okay if I had Spencer come over for a while? I just…I haven’t seen him.”

Ville nodded his head in agreement, because that’s what good friends do, but the reality was that he wanted Brendon all to himself for a while. It was silly considering how co-dependent Ville and Brendon were together, but it almost seemed as if Spencer was taking Brendon away from Ville.

When Spencer got to Ville‘s house the conversation was monopolized by news of their band, Panic! At The Disco. And while Brendon tried to throw in jazz band conversation, Ville felt like a third wheel in his own house.

At one point, Spencer put his hand on Brendon’s knee and squeezed in a manner that wasn’t flirtatious, but it seemed more than friendly. For the first time, Ville understood what was wrong with him. Ville was really and truly jealous. And the fact that there was something to possibly be jealous about nearly broke him in half.

……

Walking into school his junior year of high school, Ville felt a little more comfortable. He knew the rules, he knew the major players in all of the different social hierarchies, and he knew who he could and couldn’t depend on. Unfortunately things weren’t as simple when it came to the actual academics of high school. Teachers who were once concerned with having their students pass for the semester were now grooming Ville for the rest of his life. There was too much talk about SATs, college applications, permanent records, recommendations, and extracurricular activities. It seemed like every decision he made, from his course selection to what he did after school, was pressured. He wasn’t even a legal adult yet, and already Ville missed being a kid.

Part of Ville wanted to say fuck it all and tell his daddy that he would just move back to Finland and run the sex shop for the rest of his life, but that wasn’t what he really wanted. So long ago he had made a promise to Mrs. Fallon; he was going to be a writer. And not only did Ville not want to go back on a promise to a dead woman, he didn’t want to miss out on something he loved doing.

Ville’s schedule was full of classes like journalism, poetry, and creative writing. It meant that Brendon was in less of his classes and Ryan was in more of them, but the best part was, it meant that he didn’t have a single class with Bam Margera.

The summer had done good things for Ville. He’d grown into his body and he looked more like a man than a boy. He probably couldn’t have grown convincing facial hair, but he had definition in his muscles and the last layer of baby fat in his face faded away to present a strong jaw line. The weird part for Ville was that people started noticing. Boys and girls alike checked him out and whispered about him when he walked by. He supposed the new wardrobe and illegal tattoo he picked up in Finland were part of that, but even Brendon told him that he changed over the summer. “Jesus, Ville. You got hotter,” were Brendon’s exact words, but it wasn’t like Ville held on to them, or reminded himself of it…well, at least not _too_ often. It wasn’t like Ville was in love with the mirror or anything.

The pathetic thing was, Ville was waiting around for Bam Margera to notice. Once, Ville swore he saw a hand drawn heart in permanent marker drawn on the inside of Bam’s wrist, but it was just a glance. Ville never wanted to be caught staring at anybody for too long. Still, Ville longed for Bam to take notice the way the rest of the world did. He wanted Bam to pass a note to the person sitting next to him in class about how Ville was better looking than Jesse, like the girl who sat behind him in World history had done. And yeah, he really wanted Bam to run his hand over the curve of Ville’s ass just like Jussi used to do at the shop in Helsinki. Maybe he was asking for too much, but he was young and selfish. Brendon might not have been dating Spencer, but sometimes it felt like he was working up to it. They spent more time together than Ville was comfortable sharing, and when they finally did stop dancing around their attraction, Ville didn’t want to be alone. He wanted Bam anyway, but the fact that Brendon seemed inches from getting a boyfriend made Ville ache for companionship all the more.

……

Three weeks into the new school year, Ville found himself a job. It was hard to schedule at first, because Ville’s mother still didn’t like him taking the bus at night, but he did it anyway. Working at the book store wasn’t the best job in the world, but it had its perks; he got a pretty decent employee discount, Brendon often gave him a ride to and from work, and on Brendon’s break he would bring over a smoothie that Ville would hide under the counter whenever his boss walked by. Still, that didn’t mean that Ville had to like his stupid uniform or the power hungry assistant manager who dropped out of community college and thought he was smarter than Ville.

Ville was starting his fifth shift at the bookstore when he saw Bam Margera walk into the bookstore with Brandon Novak, and the new boy, Ryan Dunn. Ville groaned, because while Ville had an obvious and complicated crush on Bam, his feelings for Ryan were something different. Ryan was apprenticing to be a mechanic at the shop that Anita had her car repaired at. He had a classic car, dirty hands, and he looked too good leaning over an engine with his ass in the air. The first time Ville saw Ryan there was when the timing belt in Anita’s car went. Ville couldn’t help it, he actually gaped at the new boy. He loved that his pants slung so low that you could see Ryan’s stupid faded boxers. More than once, Ville had jerked off to that image. 

He wasn’t just hot though, that was the thing that really got to Ville. Ryan Dunn was confident, honest, and nice. Ville remembered standing next to his mother biting his thumb nail while the cute dirty boy explained to her what was wrong. He quoted prices, told her other things that were probably going to go wrong with her car, and all the while, he smiled at Ville. 

“He seemed nice,” Anita said in Finnish, right in front of Ryan when they left. Thankfully Ryan didn’t understand her, but Ville blushed all the same. Sometimes he wished that he never told his mother that he was gay. It was like she was trying to push him on any boy who didn’t look like he was going to knock off a Seven-Eleven after dark. 

Needless to say, he was a little embarrassed to see Ryan again. He knew that Ryan hadn’t understood a word his mother said, but he wondered if he read between the lines. Ville tried his best not to be creepy and watch the boys, but he couldn’t help himself. They were huddled around the magazine racks. Ryan was actually browsing, but Bam and Novak were hitting each other over the heads with rolled up bridal magazines.

“Those boys look like trouble,” Ville’s manager said, snapping him out of his daze.

He doesn’t know the half of it, Ville thought. 

Ville was left on his own to watch over the shop while his manager went to zoom in on the boys using the security camera in his office. Ville was a little nervous about that. He didn’t like the idea that his boss could be watching him and he wouldn’t even know about it.

When the three boys made their way over to Ville’s register, he nervously tugged on the collar of his stupid shirt and pretended to neaten up the display in front of him. He was glad that they hadn’t stolen anything, because his manager would have asked Ville if he had known their names. It had happened before with other students who went to school with him. A lie always told on Ville’s face, and he felt guilty when his manager saw right through him.

A stack of magazines was laid on the counter and Ryan smiled so easily at Ville that he began to blush. He hated how easy he was. 

“Did you find everything you were looking for,” Ville asked, in case his manager was reading his lips.

“Sort of. You guys don’t have a great car selection, but I guess I can always head up to Philly to get them,” 

Ville just nodded. He was supposed to say sorry, ask if he could special order something, and then call the customer in a few days to tell them that the demand was not great enough for them to carry it in their store. God, his job really was stupid, he thought.

“Do you like cars,” Ryan asked.

Before Ville could answer, Bam smacked Ryan on the back of the head. “Dude. First of all, that was the lamest line ever. Second of all, you’re trying to hit on Jesse Valo’s little brother. Get real. It ain’t gonna happen.”

Ville blushed three shades redder than he thought he could.

“Whatever. Jesse’s cool. He won’t mind. Besides, you could always give the guy a chance to tell me himself that my pick up line was lame.”

Ville smiled at that, half because Ryan seemed sort of sweet, and half because he liked seeing Bam’s opinion shot down.

“Well, it was kind of lame. And uh, no. I don’t know shit about cars. The one time I tried to drive, I hit a mailbox and assassinated a squirrel. My daddy said it was better if I relied on public transportation after that,” Ville admitted.

Novak and Ryan laughed at Ville’s story, but Bam just glared at him.

“I could teach you, if you want,” Ryan offered, leaning against the counter to get a little closer to Ville.

And because Ville was feeling bold and Bam was looking jealous, Ville smiled the way that Lacy, Linde’s girlfriend taught him. It was two parts seduction and one part blushing virgin. She mentioned that Ville was one of the few people that would be able to pull it off.

“I’d like that,” he said.

……

Although Ryan Dunn had promised Ville that he would teach him how to drive, when he came over to pick Ville up, Ryan spent most of his time pointing at things under the hood of his car and telling Jesse about them. For the first ten minutes Ville stood there and watched patiently, but when it was clear that Jesse wasn’t going to let Ville get off that easy, he went into the kitchen to get a drink and never came out.

Hours later, Ryan came back in the house with a sheepish look on his face. Jesse was walking behind him with a wide smile.

“Sorry, it’s kind of late now. I don’t think I should teach you when it’s dark out.”

Ville nodded his head and shifted over on the couch to make room.

“That’s okay. Do you want to hang out, or do you have somewhere you have to be?”

“No,” Ryan said too quickly to be casual. “I uh, I want to be here.”

Ryan sat close to him for a few minutes and they talked through the end of an episode of Law & Order. But when the clock changed to the next hour, Jesse came in with a bag of chips and sat down next to them. It seemed to make Ryan uncomfortable.

“I love this episode. It’s the guy’s daughter. Just watch.”

Ville groaned. Jesse had ruined the ending of the show and what might have been a date. 

Regardless, Ville was polite and stayed with the two of them until Ryan had to leave.

When the door was shut, Jesse put his hands on his hips and glared at Ville. “What the fuck are you doing with him?”

“I don’t know. Why do you care? And why are you cock blocking me?”

Jesse just looked at Ville very carefully.

“Because it’s for your own good, Ville. Jesus. You don’t even know that guy.”

“I was looking forward to getting to know him,” Ville said.

“That’s just gross. That’s gross, Ville. Don’t pull gay sexual innuendo on me.”

Ville wanted to fight, but instead he just gave up. He hated that he disgusted his brother.

“Just think about what you’re doing before you do it, man. Especially with who. You’re going to end up hurting someone.”

As Jesse walked upstairs, Ville yelled at his brother’s back.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not in love with Brendon?”

Jesse grabbed the banister hard, but he didn’t turn around.

“You know what the sad part is, Ville? Sometimes I wish you were.”

Ville went to bed angry at his brother that night. He stayed angry for weeks.

……

After nothing happened on their ‘date,’ Ryan didn’t come back. He still talked to Ville in the hallways, sometimes chatted him up in the bookstore, but he never asked Ville out again or offered to teach him how to drive.

Part of him wanted to ask if it was something he did, but the truth of it was, he was pretty sure that Jesse had said something to him.

He really hated Jesse sometimes.

Brendon was no help. When he told Brendon about how awkward it was, all Brendon did was shrug his shoulders. “It’s not like you really like him though, right? You were just into his rough hands and his ass, or whatever.”

Ville just punched him in the shoulder. “I’m seventeen, Brendon! Right now it should be about his ass, and the hands, and please don’t forget his cock!”

Brendon just laughed at him. “We’re different, remember? You want more than that.”

Ville never mentioned that he had slept with other people while he was in Finland. He didn’t want Brendon to look at him like he did when he slept with Dimitrius. Funny, when he admitted that he fooled around with Bam, Brendon didn’t look sad at all. And Bam was the worst person he could have slept with.

……

For Halloween, Ville and Brendon snuck out of the house and drove into Philadelphia for the night. Brendon had on some superhero costume that should have been dorky, but he looked amazing in the second skin spandex in primary colors. Ville wasn’t as adventurous as his friend was; he went as a run of the mill vampire. It meant that he just wore tighter clothes and a pair of fake fangs that he spent five bucks on at a Walgreens.

The look on Brendon’s face when Ville directed him to a gay club was priceless.

“Ville. No one in their right mind is going to believe we’re eighteen.”

Ville shrugged. “We’re actually going to pretend to be twenty-one, but don’t sweat it. I know a guy.”

The guy Ville knew was actually the brother of one of the girls that Ville worked with at the bookstore but it turned out that Ville didn’t need to know anyone. The bouncer took one look at Brendon in his spandex and opened up the velvet rope. He groped Brendon’s ass as he walked by, and although Brendon made a girlish shriek when it happened, he didn’t make Ville run in the other direction.

The night was perfect. They agreed on having one drink right away, so that Brendon would still be sober enough to drive home. After that, they fell into the middle of the room and learned how to dance with each other.

Ville had never danced with anyone, after all, he and Brendon had never attended a school dance. And while he had been to many a club in Finland, most of the time he sat at the bar and drank too much with Mige vouching for him.

Dancing was different, and a little scary, but a lot hot. From what Ville figured, all you had to do was stand too close, move your hips like you were fucking, and touch your partner wherever they would let you. It didn’t take Ville long to get hard. Brendon noticed, but he just smiled like he was flattered.

Just when Ville was really getting the hang of it, beginning to learn the way Brendon liked to be touched, someone suddenly appeared behind them.

“It’s really not fair that you two are together. You’re both fucking beautiful. And the way you move…”

Ville’s breath hitched and he tugged Brendon’s hips closer to his own groin. He wanted to go toward that voice, but he would never leave Brendon unsupervised at a gay bar in a different city.

“I want you both,” he said.

Ville was about to tell him to fuck off, but Brendon was looking up at him with a hungry expression that Ville couldn’t put his finger on. When he turned around to look, he understood. The guy was tall with slightly feminine features, but with a beard to compensate. He had a compact body but it was paired with strong arms and broad shoulders. To put it bluntly, he was Spencer Smith all grown up. Ville bit his lip.

“I just want to blow you. Both of you.”

Ville didn’t agree, not because he didn’t want to, but because he thought it was Brendon’s decision. If it had been Ville, he would have taken the silence as a brush off, but instead the guy who would always be nameless joined in their dance. Ville put Brendon in the middle; let him feel what it was like to be surrounded by testosterone and need. It took about three songs for Brendon to scratch his nails over Ville’s hips and say, “Fuck. Let’s do it. But together. Both of us, like he said.”

It was probably selfish, but Ville didn’t give his best friend time to change his mind. As soon as the plea left Brendon’s mouth, Ville let the stranger take them into the back room. It was dark, so dark that he’d never be able to tell who was sucking his cock. That thought thrilled him.

Through it all, Ville held on tight to Brendon’s hand.

“Him first,” Ville hissed when he felt a hand on his belt. The guy obliged and Ville got to kiss Brendon’s neck and stroke his jaw while someone sucked him off for the first time. It was a rush being there for Brendon’s first experience.

All through it, Ville couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He kept whispering things he knew Brendon wanted to hear. “He looks just like Spencer. Fuck, Brendon. Spencer’s sucking your cock. You feel it? Feel his beard brushing up against your balls? That’s what it’s going to feel like.”

Just before Brendon came, he kissed Ville hard. 

It took a long time for Brendon to come down. His breath was stuttering and he was holding on so tight to Ville’s hand that he was afraid their fingers were going to break.

“So good. Felt so…so good,” he panted. It was too dark to see his face, but Ville knew he was smiling. Ville leaned in and kissed Brendon again, this time softer. When Brendon’s thigh brushed up against Ville’s obvious erection, Brendon ended the kiss and gently pushed him against the wall. It felt like rejection, but before Ville could feel ashamed, he heard Brendon’s ragged voice beg. “Now him. Please. Please,” 

The stranger, to his credit, gave fantastic head. The best Ville had ever had, though his list wasn’t what anyone would call long. Instead of whispering naughty things like Ville had, Brendon did the opposite. He stood on the tips of his toes to get to Ville’s ear and he assured Ville. “I’m here. It’s okay. We’re together. This is good. It isn’t bad. We’re not doing anything wrong. You love me.”

Ville came when the guy slipped his finger over that spot behind Ville’s balls. He probably would have fell to the ground, but Brendon kept his arm wrapped around Ville’s waist to keep him upright.

“Fuck you guys are hot,” the guy murmured as Ville zipped up his black leather pants.

Ville watched in shock as the guy stayed on his knees, jerking off without shame, while he looked up to the place where Brendon’s hand was joined with Ville’s.

They took pity on him. Ville carded his fingers through the man’s hair and Brendon stroked his hand along his jaw. It was probably something that Brendon always wanted to do to Spencer, Ville thought. 

“Come for us,” Ville said in the lowest register of his voice.

“Both of us,” Brendon added.

A second later, the guy dropped his head against Ville’s hip and cursed out his orgasm. 

Ville wasn’t proud of it, but they left him back there with his pants still open ranting about how hot Brendon and Ville were together. It wasn’t polite, but Ville didn’t want him to have the opportunity to ask them for more. 

As Ville walked out of the back room, he felt a hand surround his wrist where the heart tattoo was, but Ville just tugged it out of his grasp. He could have sworn that he heard his name yelled over the loud house music, but Ville was too afraid to turn around. He was in a gay club on Halloween, the point was to be anonymous, he didn’t want anyone other than Brendon to recognize him.

“We probably shouldn’t have done that,” Ville said later, when they were driving home.

“I know,” Brendon said. He took a deep breath and shut the radio off so there was nothing to distract them from their conversation. “But I wanted it. Ville, you have to know how much I wanted it. He looked so much like Spencer. And my first time was so bad that I don’t think I would have ever let anyone touch me again if you hadn’t been there. I mean, it felt really good. I hope it always feels like that. But it felt better that you were there. I just hope that, you know, I can do it without you now.”

Ville just laughed as he turned the radio back on. “I’m sure you can do it without me, Brendon. You jerk off without me, don’t you?”

“Well sometimes I think about you,” Brendon said. He meant it to be a joke, but Ville knew it wasn’t. The truth was, sometimes Ville still thought about Brendon when he was jerking off too.

……

The first Thanksgiving without Kari was hard on the whole Valo family. They had only celebrated one before, not being real Americans. But when they moved to the states, Anita insisted that they participate in the holiday. 

Brendon’s parents served dinner at high noon, so when Anita put the food on the table just after five, Brendon was ready for another meal. He ate his fair share of tofurkey, but it was the pie that he really dug into.

Later when the two boys were full to the point of discomfort, Brendon informed Ville that the day after Thanksgiving was the busiest shopping day of the year. “Tomorrow’s going to suck,” Ville sighed sleepily. “Yeah, it totally is,” Brendon agreed. 

“Don’t fall asleep,” Ville hissed, nudging Brendon’s shoulder. “It’s too much of a cliché to nap on Thanksgiving.” Brendon nodded his head, but Ville knew that he was fading. They both were.

Brendon was dead asleep with his head pillowed on Ville’s bloated stomach when Ville opened his eyes to see someone looking down at him. He had to blink three times before he figured out that it really was Bam Margera and not just one of his elaborate fantasies. 

“Hi,” Ville said awkwardly. Brendon just snored in his sleep and clutched his fist in Ville’s t-shirt.

“Hey. You’re not busy, are you?” He looked at Brendon when he asked Ville. Ville thought that was strange.

Ville eased Brendon off of his body and onto the rug. He groaned until he curled up into the fetal position. Bam and Ville both watched him struggle to find a comfortable position. Ville was smiling fondly, but when he turned his head to ask Bam what he wanted, there was something bitter in Bam’s expression.

“Is that guy for real?”

Ville shoved Bam’s shoulder hard. “Be nice to him. He has a hard life,” Ville said. He immediately regretted his words. He didn’t want Bam to know anything about Brendon.

“No, look. He’s an alright guy, I’m sure. It’s just…he looks like an overgrown infant sometimes.”

Ville didn’t argue, he decided to just get to the point.

“What do you want, Bam.”

Bam nodded his head and started heading to the kitchen. He helped himself to the pecan pie, though Ville was sure that Bam had already ate his fill. Hell, Jesse came to Thanksgiving dinner half ill from eating dessert at April’s table.

“I just…I sort of need help. I’m flunking English, and Ape told Jess, and Jess told her about you. And she said if I didn’t ask you for some help, she’d disown me. And I burnt down the kitchen and she didn’t disown me, so can you seriously just help me get at least a C on this paper?”

At that, Bam pulled three pages of crumpled computer paper out of his back pocket. . And although Ville’s first instinct was to say no, he grabbed it out of Bam’s hand instead.

“Let’s go upstairs,” Ville said, already thinking that it was a bad idea.

Ville sat at his desk to resist temptation. If they were on the bed, he knew that Bam might try to make a move. And as much as Ville really wanted that to happen, he didn’t want to be so easy.

But the thing was, there was nothing sexy about the situation that they were in. The paper that Bam handed him wasn’t high school work and Ville didn’t know how to say that without insulting Bam. Instead, Ville went over to the bookcase and pulled down a copy of the book that Bam was writing about for reference.

“You have some work to do. Did you…did you read the book?”

Bam turned red, but he wasn’t embarrassed. It was more like he was angry. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Sort of,” he added.

Ville nodded his head.

“Let’s start from the beginning. You have until Monday, yeah?”

Bam nodded his head. Brendon interrupted them a second later and his eyes popped out of his head when he saw Bam sitting awkwardly on Ville’s bed.

“I should, uh…”

Ville shook his head. “Not yet. You’ll miss story time,” Ville said.

He stood up and pushed Brendon so he was sitting on the bed. The three of them maneuvered themselves so they were comfortable.

Brendon fell back to sleep around page five, but Bam listened attentively as Ville read aloud. He even took a few notes on the back of his original paper.

Around midnight, Ville was unable to read a page without yawning, so he carefully shut the book. Bam looked a little upset that he stopped.

“Sorry, but I have to work tomorrow. We can finish later if you want.”

“Cool,” Bam said. He folded the paper and put it back in his pocket. Ville couldn’t help but stare as Bam yawned and stretched his arms over his head. Because his life sucked, Bam caught him staring and smirked. Luckily Bam didn’t tease him for it, he just pointed to the sleeping pile of Brendon in the middle of Ville’s bed.

“You want me to give him a lift home?”

Ville shook his head and threw the blanket over Brendon’s body. “He stays here a lot,” was all Ville said before he walked Bam downstairs.

“How about I pick you up from work tomorrow? You know, get a head start on this.”

Ville didn’t know why, but he agreed to it.

……

On Saturday, Ville finally finished reading the book to Bam. After the first day he followed along with his own copy. Ville was impressed, mostly because whenever Ville turned a page, Bam did the same thing. He wasn’t slacking off. 

Through the whole time that Ville helped him with his paper, Bam never tried to make a move on him. The scary thing was, Ville was a little disappointed after he looked over the last draft of Bam’s paper. Bam did just fine on the assignment, but he was hoping that through the process they would have grown closer. He sighed when he realized that he was being too naïve. His life was not a teen drama and he officially vowed to stop anticipating it to unfold like one.

“So, do you think I’ll get a C?”

Ville didn’t know. If he had turned the paper in that Bam was finally proud of, he would have failed for sure. But Ville also knew that teachers usually graded you on a scale of what you could reasonably accomplish. The paper that sat neatly typed on Bam’s desk was better than a C. If Ville were to grade him, he probably would have given him an A+.

“You’re going to do fine.”

……

It had been a week since Ville helped Bam with his paper. He was sitting on the couch with Brendon in his pajamas. It was well after noon, and he should have been raking leaves like a good son, but there was an Indiana Jones marathon on and Brendon and Ville both admitted that Harrison Ford was hot for an old guy.

When Anita let him in, Bam didn’t hesitate before sitting down between Ville and Brendon. For a minute all he did was look at the screen. “I love this part,” he said, as a cult leader ripped a beating heart out of a human chest.

Behind Bam’s back, Brendon and Ville exchanged confused looks.

“So, I got an A on that paper you helped me with,” he said nonchalantly, without even taking his eyes off the TV.

“Hey, that’s great. You worked really hard on that.”

Bam nodded. With a smirk, he watched as Indiana Jones tried to save a woman from being sent into a pit of fire.

“I kind of want you to help me again, though. You know, like…long term, or whatever. Ape said she’ll pay you and everything.”

The idea of spending a lot of time with Bam was appealing, but the fact that he would be on the payroll seemed to sting. He shook his head even though Bam wasn’t looking at him. Ville had promised himself that he wasn’t going to fall into the fantasy where Bam fell in love with him over negotiating run-on sentences and the proper way to format a works cited page.

“You don’t need me. You need book on tape, Bam. Maybe a tutor.”

“But that’s just it, I want you to be my tutor.”

Ville slid his leg behind Bam’s back and nudged Brendon with it. He gave him a harsh glare that sent Brendon rolling off the couch and heading into the kitchen. 

Once Brendon was gone, Bam felt comfortable facing Ville.

“Look, I just…I tried harder when you were there. And I understood more when you were reading. I don’t want some tutor that treats me like I’m fucking special-ed or something, because I’m not. I’m not completely stupid, you know?”

Ville wanted so badly to touch Bam in a way that was comforting rather than sexual, but he was too afraid of how it would come off. 

“I know you’re not stupid,” was all Ville could say. He really wished he wasn’t wearing his Sponge Bob Square Pants pajamas during the conversation.

“So like…will you do it, then?”

“No,” Ville said a little harshly.

“Fine then. I’ll just flunk out. I told Ape I didn’t need to finish high school anyway.”

Ville got up and tried to follow Bam out of the living room, but Bam slammed the front door in his face. Ville felt like an asshole.

To make matters worse, Jesse came home five hours later mad as hell, while Ville was trying to eat dinner. He was trying to shove a slice of pizza bigger than his head into his mouth when Jesse pulled it out of his hand.

“What is wrong with you,” Jesse asked him in front of Anita and Brendon. Anita put her hand up, as if to tell her son to lower his voice, but it was useless.

“Do you know how hard it was for him to ask for help? How hard it was for him to ask you for help? I thought mama raised you better than that!”

Before Ville could say anything, Jesse went upstairs and slammed his door. And Brendon, the coward that he was, excused himself to the bathroom leaving Ville alone with his mother. Anita put her hand on her son’s shoulder before Ville could make his own convenient escape. “What was all that about?” she asked.

Ville sighed. “Jesse’s mad at me because I won’t help Jess Margera’s brother with his English homework.”

Anita made that sound that she always made whenever she was disappointed in one of her boys. Ville knew that the conversation was not going to end well.

“That doesn’t sound much like you, Ville.”

Ville pushed his plate away and groaned.

“He doesn’t need me, he just needs…someone. In fact, he needs someone with more training than me, mama. He has dyslexia. What do I know about dyslexia? I’m not qualified.”

She nodded her head and then picked up her plate. “You know enough to know what it is, and know that he needs help. He also feels comfortable with you. You might be the best person to help him, sweetheart.”

As she was walking away, Ville stood up from the table. “I hate your logic. If daddy were here, he’d tell me that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.”

Her back stiffened at that, as if she had forgotten that her husband wasn’t with her. Ville felt like even more of an asshole.

……

It was two weeks into December and Ville found himself at the mall again. He hated Christmas shopping. But more than he hated Christmas shopping, he hated that they were spending Christmas without Kari for the first time.

The night before, Ville had put up the tree with Jesse. It was crooked. Kari never would have put the Christmas tree up crooked. Anita was sweet about it. She said from certain angles, you couldn’t even tell. And when the tree eventually fell over, she didn’t even hesitate before she let Ville and Jesse staple the Christmas lights to the wall to keep it upright. 

“It looks beautiful, doesn’t it?” The boys lied to her and said it did.

The only thing good about Christmas was that he was finally old enough to have money that he earned himself. He didn’t need much that Anita didn’t provide, so he had managed to save a majority of the cash he had made in Finland and at the bookstore. 

He kept buying things for Brendon and his mother, but he couldn’t find anything to get for Jesse. Lately it had felt like his brother was a stranger. One second they were the strangest of friends, and the next he was telling Ville that he was disgusted by him. Mige said that it was because Jesse had the temperament of a girl, but Ville was sure that there was something he was missing.

Ville had just purchased the softest sweater in the world for his mother when he decided that he needed a break. Sitting on one of the benches, he went through his bags, looking at the little bobble head Yoda he bought for Brendon, the box set of DVDs he bought his daddy. He was shocked when someone sat down too close to him.

“I hate the mall around Christmas,” Bam said.

Working at the mall, Ville spent a lot more time than Bam did there. He quite liked the decorations and the pine fresh scent, but he agreed. Consumerism brought out the worst in most people.

“Yeah,” was all Ville said.

“So, I’m picking you up. I told Jesse I had some work to do.”

Ville groaned. What he hated most about being Bam’s tutor was that it was never on his terms. He hadn’t wanted to agree to it at all, but then April Margera approached him at the bookstore with honest tears in her eyes. She told Ville how proud she’d been when Bam got that A, and that a lot of that credit went to Ville. He couldn’t say no to her after that. The worst part was, even when he agreed to do it, Jesse still wasn’t nice about it. “You should have said yes in the first place,” was what he said.

“What if I have my own homework,” Ville barked at Bam.

“Well then you wouldn’t be at the mall. You’re like a creature of habit, Ville. You do shit as soon as it gets assigned. Now will you quit being a whine-bag baby and let me take you back to my place?”

Ville just stood up. “Christ, with an offer like that, how could anyone resist?”

Back at Bam’s, Ville read him the end of Catcher And The Rye. Then, he finished up his college applications while Bam wrote the introduction to his paper.

“What are you doing, anyway,” Bam asked when he got frustrated.

“Just college applications. I have to have them ready by the end of winter break.”

Bam nodded his head.

“Are you going to…”

Bam shook his head before Ville could finish. “I’m not the kind of guy that goes to college. I’ve got shit lined up anyway. I’ve been skating since I could walk. When most people say they’re going to go pro, they’re dreaming. I’ve actually got a shot and connections.”

Ville let it ride on that. It was sort of how he acted when he talked to Brendon about applications. He wanted Brendon to apply to all the schools that he did, so they could be roommates and best friends forever, but Brendon just insisted that he had to take a year off. Ville was all too familiar with the idea of Brendon going on his ‘mission.’

……

On Christmas Eve; Ville, Brendon, Anita and Jesse sat in front of the television to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. They did the same thing the year before, and it seemed to make sense that they did it again.

Brendon couldn’t stay over or for very long, though. The Urie’s were strict and Christmas was a very important holiday. 

When he walked Brendon to the front door and hugged him Merry Christmas, he was a little shocked to see Bam standing on his doorstep with snow in his hair and a bag in his hand.

“Hey,” he said, obviously feeling awkward. Brendon took care of that for him. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Ville’s cheek and bounded down the stairs. “Merry Christmas,” he yelled. Ville was so taken by how beautiful and young he looked illuminated by the Christmas lights, that he almost forgot that Bam was standing there.

“Oh. Sorry. Did you…I mean, are you here to see Jesse,” Ville asked.

Bam just groaned softly and pushed Ville aside so he could walk into the house. A little disturbed by Bam’s behavior, Ville rolled his eyes and walked away. Before he went upstairs, he noticed that Bam was giving his mother a plate of cookies, hopefully made by April Margera. Ville loved April’s cookies almost as much as he loved Phil’s spice cake. 

He was in his room changing when the door swung open. Ville yelped a little. The fact that Bam barged in on him while he wasn’t wearing a shirt was kind of awkward.

“Oh man. Merry Christmas to me,” Bam said playfully. 

“Fuck off,” Ville said, as he searched for another shirt. 

While he was dressing, Bam decided to make himself comfortable, and when Ville turned around, Bam was barefoot and reclining on his bed holding a sloppily wrapped Christmas present. _Shit,_ Ville thought. He tutored Bam, but it never occurred to him that they were friends, or that he should get him a gift. 

“I got you a present,” Bam said. He sounded just a little embarrassed about that fact.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Ville replied, refusing to take a step closer.

“Believe it or not, I don’t actually care about that. It’s Christmas, and I know I’m an asshole. You deserve a present and I don’t. Now get your bony ass over here and see what an amazing student I am!”

Ville smiled and sat down next to Bam. As soon as he did, the package was dropped on his lap. It wasn’t heavy, but Ville was still a little afraid. He had seen the videos that Bam posted on the Internet. Even though he couldn’t see a camera, Ville still wouldn’t rule out the fact that there could be a bomb on his lap.

“Come on, Ville. Jesus is going to walk again before you open this,” Bam said, leaning in to start ripping the paper. Ville cut him off before he could do it.

And when he opened it, Ville didn’t know quite what to say. He remembered talking about it once, maybe twice, in all the times that he had read to Bam. But inside that shiny paper was a weathered copy of The Song Of The Dove’s Heart. Even after working at the book store for so long, Ville had never managed to get his hands on a copy. It had been Mrs. Fallon’s favorite book. He read it to her twice. 

“You said once that you were looking for it. I found it on EBay a few weeks ago, but I figured that I’d wait to give it to you.”

Ville picked it up and thumbed through the pages. The cover looked the same as the copy he’d read to Mrs. Fallon a year before. Ville smiled.

“Thank you. You didn’t…you didn’t have to do this.”

And when Ville looked over, he saw that Bam was still wearing that stupid scarf that she made him. Bam took it as a trophy, and the truth was that Ville liked seeing it on Bam. 

“No sweat, man. What are friends for?”

But they weren’t friends, not really. If anything, Bam was sort of his employer. 

Still, at that very second, Ville wanted to give Bam something more than anything. He had nothing physical to give him. All he had was himself. He put his hand on Bam’s scarf, and he was just about to pull him into a kiss of thanks, when they heard someone clearing their throat in Ville’s doorway. 

Ville didn’t have to look up to know it was Jesse. He dropped Mrs. Fallon’s scarf in defeat. 

“Mama’s made some hot chocolate. She’s going to play the piano and make Ville sing Silent Night. You both should come down.”

Ville cringed. It seemed no matter how many steps he took forward, he would always take one back. He was such a loser.

As Bam followed him down the dark hallway, Ville could hear him whistling the tune of Silent Night. Ville hated him for it. It felt like Bam was mocking him after Ville had almost made a pass at him.

**Chapter Nine**

For the New Year, Ville wanted to stay up all night with Brendon and watch bad movies, but that it wasn‘t possible. Panic! At The Disco hadn’t played a gig since Jesse’s party so when Spencer begged, borrowed, and stole his way into opening for CKY, Ville had no choice but to go see Brendon play.

Brendon had been given permission to take his mom’s mini-van for the night after telling his parents he was going to a late night movie showing with Ville. They clearly weren’t pleased, but Brendon could whine like the best of them. Ville wondered how many times Brendon had to say ‘please’ before they relented just for a little peace and quiet.

The problem was that Brendon didn’t borrow the car to give Ville a ride to the movies. The van was needed to transport Spencer’s drum kit, which left Ville without a ride. And as lame as Ville was, he wasn’t ready to ask his mother to drop him off at Rex’s on New Year’s Eve. 

In the end his brother took pity on him and said he’d give him a lift. Luckily Jesse was only driving himself, because if he had to sit around Bam and Novak on the way to Brendon’s show, he probably would have screamed.

After he got to the venue Ville had one illegal beer and then went to be useful. He helped load the band’s gear, he distracted Brendon when he annoyed everybody in his band a little too much, and in the end, he was the one who found Ryan’s distortion pedal hidden under the passenger seat of Brendon’s van. Ville felt an overwhelming sense of pride in being their unpaid roadie for the night, because even though Ville never wanted to be _in_ the band, it didn’t mean that he didn’t want to be a part of it. 

Brendon offered to let Ville sit backstage to watch them, but Ville declined. He wanted to get the full effect. He still felt guilty for missing Panic’s first show even if Brendon forgave him. 

But as soon as he left the comfort of the backstage area, Ville got nervous. He was alone in Rex’s on New Year’s. It was of course his insecurity, but he felt like everybody was looking at him, judging him. He started sweating and fidgeting, quite like Brendon in church, he imagined, and then he laughed it off. This wasn’t his first time in a bar, in fact, he had more experience than most. He took a deep breath, pretended he was in Helsinki, and smiled darkly at anyone who dared to make eye contact. 

As the lights went down in front of the packed crowd, Ville whistled loud enough to make girls cover their ears. 

Ville couldn’t help but roll his eyes when Ryan Ross walked up to the microphone when the band took the stage. Brendon was the lead singer, he should have spoken for the band, but Ryan took that honor leaving Brendon to fiddle with one of Spencer’s cymbals.

“Happy New Year, guys. We’re Panic! At The Disco. This is only our second gig, but stick around, because we’re the best band you haven’t heard yet. I’m Ryan Ross, we have Brendon Urie on vocals, Mr. Spencer Smith on drums, and Brent…where the fuck is Brent?”

Just then, Brent walked on stage with his bass and a Twizzler hanging out of his mouth. “And Brent,” Ryan finished, sounding a little too annoyed for Ville’s taste. 

“This song is called Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off.”

Just before he counted them in, Spencer leaned into his mic. “Ryan wrote it about your mother,” he added. Ville (along with the rest of the crowd) laughed, but Ryan didn’t look very amused.

Brendon was beautiful, and crazy, and so good. His voice was flawless. And even though nobody had seen them before, girls were dancing and the guys were rising up their beers and lighters in tribute. 

Ville felt like a proud parent.

“Fuck. Nobody ever told me that Brendon Urie was actually good at this shit. Look at him,” Bam said when he walked up to Ville. Ville didn’t even have words for him. He was so impressed that he just nodded his head. 

About halfway through their set a tiny girl with scene hair and a grandma sweater screamed “Ryan Ross you’re so sexy!” Ryan took a dramatic bow and blew kisses to the crowd, but Brendon apparently didn’t want to be outdone. 

“Speaking of sexy,” Brendon drawled, wiping the sweat off his brow. “Spencer Smith, I think it’s time to take it down a notch, don’t you? Let’s make it sexy in here. Let’s make everybody feel like they’re Ryan Ross.”

The rest of the band looked confused, but Brendon always marched to his own drum - he didn’t need Spencer’s. 

_“I’ve been really tryin’ baby, tryin’ to hold back these feelin’ for so long. And if you feel like I feel, baby. Then come on, oh, come on. Let’s get it on!”_

Spencer managed to catch up to him pretty quick, but Ryan stumbled. Ville was pretty sure that Brent didn’t strum a single note on his bass. It didn’t matter though, because singing that song, Brendon didn’t need anyone to back him. The crowd went absolutely insane.

When the song was over, Brendon smiled wide, right at Ville. It was always one of their favorite songs to jam to in Ville’s room. Jesse never stopped teasing them about it.

“Half of you out there were probably conceived while that song was playing. Just saying,” Brendon joked. 

Panic played two more original songs before Brendon thanked the audience and waved. His guitar knocked into the mic stand and created feedback, but no one called him a loser. Ville thought it was progress for Brendon. 

Ville was about to go help the band load the gear back into Brendon’s van when Bam punched him in the shoulder. 

“You want a beer?”

Ville decided that he did. For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt good about himself, about Brendon, and even his new home. He wanted to celebrate.

They shared a couple of beers before CKY’s set, and even when they went on, Bam didn’t leave Ville’s side. Ville could tell that Bam itched to get into the thick of things, shove people around and scream the lyrics, but he stood still next to Ville. Their elbows kept brushing accidentally, making Ville shiver involuntarily. 

“Two minutes to midnight, everyone. Choose your make out partners wisely,” the lead singer instructed.

And just like that, Ville’s feeling of contentment vanished in the blink of an eye. For no reason at all he had butterflies in his stomach, his palms were sweating, and he couldn’t seem to stand still. Ville wanted to run for the hills, but before he could, a strong hand wrapped around his wrist. 

“Don’t,” Bam warned, like he had read his mind and knew he was seconds away from bolting.

Another song played, something short and fast and too meaningless for Ville to appreciate. And when they finished, they did a countdown. 

When they got to three, Bam stood on the tips of his toes and kissed Ville. Bam tasted like stale beer, but Ville gathered he tasted the same. Ville reciprocated the kiss that time. He took Bam’s sloppy kiss and raised it to something teasing. Jussi had taught him how to kiss like that in Finland, and from the sounds that Bam made and the way he tried to crawl up Ville’s body, it appeared that he was doing something right. 

Ville probably would have kissed him forever, but someone knocked into Ville’s back. When he turned around, Ryan Ross looked menacing with his hands on his hips.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Ville just blinked until he could figure out what the problem was.

“First I catch Brendon kissing Spencer. And now this? Jesus. How long have you two been gay?”

Normally Ville would have apologized to Bam, but he couldn’t. He heard that Brendon had finally kissed Spencer and he had to celebrate with him. That, and if Ryan said something nearly as irritating in front of Spencer, Ville knew that he might have to comfort his best friend as well.

“I gotta go,” Ville said. He wondered if he looked half as guilty as he felt. Bam didn’t say anything, so Ville figured it was just another one of Bam’s convenient hook-ups. He hated himself for falling into it.

“You don’t really have to go,” Bam said, grabbing hold of Ville’s wrist for the second time that night. It wasn’t nearly as nice as the first time. Ville could feel Bam’s jagged and bitten fingernails digging into the heart tattoo on his wrist. “Like, you’re totally bailing here. And I think you know that,” Bam added, looking more pissed than hurt. Ville didn’t know what to say.

“I’ll come see you later,” Ville said, completely humiliated that it came out as more of a whine than a promise. “I just…Brendon needs me.”

Bam didn’t as much let Ville’s arm go as he did throw it away. It left a bitter taste in his mouth when Bam turned his back on him without saying goodbye or insinuating that he’d like to see Ville again later. If he could have done it over again, Ville knew he should have just stayed and let Brendon come find him, but unfortunately Ville’s life didn’t come with a rewind button. He sighed and started pushing through sweaty bodies to get to the back alley where Brendon’s van was parked. 

Ville passed Spencer on the way and he still had a dazed smile on his face. His lips looked puffy. “Hey man,” Spencer said when they made eye contact. Ville just smiled knowingly. “Fucking Ross,” Spencer groaned as he kept walking.

Outside Brendon was leaning against his van and kicking the back tire.

“I hear congratulations are in order,” Ville said.

Brendon shrugged his shoulders. He looked tiny and scared, and just a little sad. More than anything he looked like he needed a hug, so Ville leaned in. Brendon’s body melted into it but his hands were painfully clasped at Ville’s shoulders. It took Ville rubbing the small of Brendon’s back to get him to take a deep breath, relax, and rest his head against Ville’s collar bone.

“What happened? And how did it happen?”

“It’s New Year’s. He said that he hadn’t kissed anyone since Haley and he missed kissing. So I just did it. I did it, and when it was over I said it didn’t have to mean anything. And then he kissed me. And it was awesome until Ryan came out and asked Spencer what he thought he was doing. And when Spencer couldn’t think of anything to say, Ryan told him to go get the rest of the equipment.”

Ville just hugged Brendon tighter. “He was smiling when I saw him, if that means anything to you.”

Brendon nodded his head. “Yeah. He smiled the whole time. But I think he was smiling because he got no strings attached making out. God, why am I such a loser?”

Ville snorted. “Only you would play an amazing show in front of people who aren’t even drunk yet and think you’re a loser. You were great tonight. And if Spencer Smith doesn’t realize how great you are, then I don’t think I want him making out with my best friend.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“It will all work out,” Ville promised.

They went back into the venue. Ville got crazy drunk while Brendon drank too much Red Bull.

Bam kept throwing him glances for the rest of the night, like they were supposed to pick up where they left off. Ville couldn’t bring himself to go over to him; partly because Ville was a coward, and partly because Brendon was his best friend and he needed Ville.

……

Brendon got a bad cold at the end of January and missed two days of school. On the second day of his absence, Spencer approached him after jazz band.

“Hey. Where’s Brendon? He’s not picking up his phone.”

Ville carefully tucked the bass into the corner of the room and pushed his hair out of his face.

“He has the plague or something. His mother won’t even let me in the house.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Spencer shoved his hands in his pockets and hovered around Ville as he got ready to go to his next class. Ville wanted to yell _‘spit it out’_ but he let Spencer take his time.

“So, you and Brendon are close, right?”

“Yeah, we’re pretty close,” Ville agreed.

“Yeah, but…how close?”

Ville laughed. He might have been awkward, but Spencer was even worse when it came to talking about something you didn’t know how to bring up.

“Closer than two people can be in a lot of ways, but not in the way that you’re thinking,” was Ville’s answer.

“What?”

Ville took pity on Spencer and simply said, “We’re not together like that. He’s my best friend.”

After a beat, Spencer smiled. “Good. I mean, not that it would be bad if you were. It’s totally like…totally an okay thing to be, you know.”

“I know,” Ville said with a smile.

Then he left Spencer alone in the music room to beat himself up for being such a loser. Ville knew that was exactly what he was doing, because if he’d been in Spencer’s shoes, he would have done the same thing. 

……

In February Bam got another girlfriend. He made sure that whenever Ville came over to help Bam write or to read to him, she was there.

Ville had no idea why. If he were Bam, he would have been embarrassed about the fact that he had a below average reading level. But at the end of the day, the girl that he was fucking wasn’t all that smart. She chewed gum loud, told Bam that the book that Ville was reading was boring, and every once and a while she would exclaim that she wanted to fuck.

Ville always tried to leave after that, but apparently Bam was punishing him. “Fuck off, dude. This is my time and we’re not done yet. Keep reading.”

Ville would roll his eyes, but he did as he was told. 

Sometimes Jess would walk in and catch sight of Bam making out with his new girlfriend while Ville obediently waited for his brother to pick him up. Whenever he saw the young couple kissing or flirting to disgusting levels, he’d give Ville a sad look. “He isn’t very smart, is he?” he would ask. Ville never answered him.

……

On Valentine’s Day Ville was in the middle of a much needed wank when Brendon barged into his room and pounced on Ville’s bed. Ville yelped and then winced.

“Dude, were you jerking off,” Brendon asked.

Ville kept his eyes closed painfully tight as he nodded his head.

“I thought you did it right before bed like I did. _Weird._ Anyway, I’ll go get you a pop tart,” he said, scrambling ungracefully out of the bed. With one look back, he snickered and said, “I’ll take my time.”

Ville was mortified. As attractive as Ville found Brendon, he still couldn’t continue. The moment had passed and the fear of being caught had caused his erection to flag. The problem was, the need was gone, but the want was still itching under his skin. He was on fire with so many things.

When Brendon came up the stairs he had already taken a bite out of Ville’s cinnamon pop tart. He looked a little guilty when he handed it over to Ville, but Ville forgave him as soon as he remembered that Mrs. Urie probably made Brendon eat oatmeal that morning.

“You should probably wash your hands before you eat that, dude.”

Ville rolled his eyes.

“I couldn’t finish. Your face scared the sexy right out of me.”

Brendon laughed and then joined Ville under the covers when he realized it was safe. Brendon brought the cold right in with him and Ville curled up close to him for the warmth, not the comfort.

“So…last night when I was closing up The Smoothie Shack, Spencer came over from Starbucks and asked if I wanted to like…hang out or something, tonight. I think he wants to see a movie.”

Ville nodded his head. It was Saturday night and he would have to find something else to do with his time since he wasn’t working.

“Ville! You are the worst friend ever. Do you know what today is?”

Ville’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“You’re such a boy! It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s Valentine’s Day and Spencer asked me to go see a movie. Did he ask me to hang out because he, you know, wanted to hang out? Or did he ask me out because he secretly wants me to be his Valentine’s Day date and he doesn’t know how to ask me?”

Ville groaned and rolled his body away from Brendon and closer to the wall. Apparently he needed more than a Poptart to give Brendon Urie dating advice. 

“Come on, Ville! I can’t figure this out by myself.”

Brendon was shaking him hard and the headboard kept hitting the wall. Jesse was totally going to think that they were fucking, so Ville turned around.

“Fine, you want my advice?”

Brendon nodded his head fast. He looked like an eager little boy. At that moment, Ville had the urge to tell him not to date until he was thirty.

“Wear your favorite outfit. For God’s sake, don’t wear the underwear with the Transformers on them. Wait until you get to the theater. If he pays, he’ll probably want to see what your underwear look like. So just…wait. The anticipation will probably kill you, but even if it’s not a date, you’ll probably still have a good time, because you love movie snacks.”

Brendon groaned, but it sounded a bit like a moan. Ville put his pillow over Brendon’s face to muffle the sound so Jesse really didn’t think they were fucking.

“What are you complaining about? You have a maybe date for Valentine’s Day. Now I’m going to have to watch Meg Ryan movies alone. How sad is that? You should feel terrible.”

After that Brendon just smiled and dozed. Ville spooned up behind him and they relaxed until noon. Ville never ate the cold Poptart, leaving it to go stale on the nightstand. 

……

While Ville anticipated that he would be watching Meg Ryan movies alone, that’s not what happened. He was on the couch in his most comfortable pajamas with a bag of candy nearly bigger than him when the doorbell rang. Jesse had left an hour ago with his date, so he had no idea who it could be. 

Bam was the last person he expected to show up.

“What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t at the bookstore and I need some help on my homework.”

“It’s Saturday,” Ville said harshly. Bam almost never wanted to work on his homework on a Saturday. A Sunday night? Sure. But never Saturday.

“Duh.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day,” Ville added, as Bam breezed by him into the house. Ville tried to chase him, hoping to get into the living room before Bam figured out that he was watching Sleepless In Seattle.

“Your point? Do I look like the flowers and candy kind of guy?”

No, he didn’t. Maybe if he had, Ville wouldn’t have been so afraid of him.

“Are you really eating peanut butter cups in front of Sleepless In Seattle?”

Ville put his hands on his hips.

“I like them because there’s a lot of stuff to unwrap, so it takes me longer to eat the whole bag. Also, I was channel surfing,” Ville lied. “What are you even doing here?”

“Homework,” Bam said, shoving a book at Ville’s chest. 

With the TV on mute, Ville spent the rest of the night reading to Bam. It was boring. Ville had already read the book for school the year before, since his class was ahead of Bam’s. It seemed like the worst night ever because he was tired, and Bam was hogging the candy, and he really just wanted to watch stupid movies and feel sorry for himself. 

Ville was in the process of turning the page when Bam interrupted him. “I saw you on Halloween, you know. With Brendon.”

Ville stiffened and put down the book.

“You could have just said something. I mean, you try to convince everybody that you’re just really close friends, or whatever. But I saw you two walk into the back room together. I figured, whatever, it’s just sex between friends. But it’s not. It’s…there’s something going on.”

Ville opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get a word out, Brendon bounced through the front door with a handpicked flower behind his ear and the biggest grin of his life.

“He held my hand. And paid for the movie. And he likes Snow Caps. And fuck, Ville, we drank so much coffee!”

Ville could see that. Ville could see that Spencer was a cruel boy and had given Brendon more than his usual dosage of espresso. After years with Brendon, Ville had learned what did and didn’t help him. Brendon could drink coffee, in fact most of the time it leveled him out, but it was the sugar that really did him in. And Brendon…Brendon couldn’t drink a coffee without sugar, extra sugar, a flavored sweetener, and whipped cream. All that sugar tended to disrupt his already volatile chemical imbalance (Ville was also sure that the snow caps he mentioned didn’t help). 

Ville groaned when Brendon fell onto the couch between them. Brendon was so excited that he didn’t even try to keep his body solely on Ville’s side of the couch. One leg was dangled over Bam’s lap while Ville’s torso was surrounded by Brendon’s arms.

“And he kissed me at my door. Well, your door, because can you imagine what would have happened if my mom saw that? And really, it was the best date ever even if I haven’t been on another one before. I promise you, it will be totally better than all your dates too. You should be jealous. Spencer is the best!”

Ville just ruffled Brendon’s hair and gave Bam a meaningful look. With his eyes, Ville said, ‘see - this was never what it looked like.’

“Maybe I should just go,” Bam said. But Brendon pulled some monkey move and surrounded Bam with his surprisingly strong thighs.

“You can’t leave yet. I haven’t even gotten to the part where he wants there to be a second date!”

Bam fought Brendon’s legs the whole way.

“Is this kid for real? You sure Smith didn’t roofie him up instead of just giving him coffee?”

“So much coffee,” Brendon said, as if it were a sexual experience.

“Coffee is complicated for Brendon,” Ville explained with a roll of his eyes. “Plus he’s excited, as he should be. I’m happy for you, Brendon,” Ville finally said.

“I’m happy for me too. Hey, is this You’ve Got Mail? We watched this last year! Before Spencer asked me out I was totally thinking about getting a fake internet boyfriend!”

Bam laughed and finally settled under Brendon’s weight. The three of them watched the movie with awkward conversation thrown in when necessary. 

After the movie, Brendon left, but not before leaving a scarily intimate kiss on Ville’s forehead. “I still love you best,” he said, as if it needed to be said.

Of course Bam had to see that, and as soon as Brendon was out of hearing distance, Bam turned toward Ville. 

“See? That shit. That’s what I’m talking about. He still loves you best? How is anybody ever going to compete with that? It’s fucked!”

“It’s not fucked,” Ville hissed.

“It is. Jesus. I can’t believe…”

“Believe what,” Ville said. “That you ever even tried? That you were nice to me just to get into my pants? Even if you did, how long would it have lasted? Relationships are a novelty for you. I’ve seen you. You’d fuck me for a month and then get tired. Brendon will love me forever.”

Bam stood up and wrapped Mrs. Fallon’s scarf tight around his neck. It hurt Ville to see it while they were fighting, or arguing, or butting heads.

“Whatever. You can think what you want about me. But what about Spencer Smith, huh? You think it’s fair that he’ll play second best? Think he’s going to fuck and run in a month?”

Ville didn’t have an answer for that. He just let Bam walk out. And when Jesse walked in the house with his girlfriend and gave Ville a dirty look, Ville threw Bam’s abandoned copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four at him.

“I don’t want to hear it this time, Jesse. I’m your brother. You’re supposed to love me,” he yelled in Finnish.

Jesse just looked at him with a stunned expression. And when Jesse’s new girlfriend said “I love it when you guys talk all fancy like that,” Ville ran up the stairs to his bedroom like a wimp.

……

Over Spring break, the Valo family received good news. Someone had made an offer to buy the shop and Kari was taking it very seriously. With luck, he would be home before the summer. 

Still, things weren’t perfect, Ville’s life was a little complicated.

First of all, Brendon’s life was a soap opera waiting to happen. He had to dutifully hide his relationship not just from his parents, but from a paranoid Ryan Ross. Because even though he had caught them kissing on New Year’s, Spencer wasn’t ready to tell them that they were more. He also wasn’t ready to come out to his parents. That meant that they couldn’t be together at school, or Spencer’s house, or God forbid (literally) at Brendon’s house. More than once, Ville had found Brendon and Spencer in his bed because they didn’t have anywhere else to go.

And while they weren’t fucking yet (Brendon said Spencer wasn’t ready) it was still weird that someone else was making out in his bed.

To top it all off, Bam Margera was weirdly nice to him after their angry conversation. Neither of them ever apologized or mentioned it again, but Bam was overly-polite and accommodating to Ville’s schedule. 

Bam had one big project that was due after Spring Break, but he kept pushing it off to another time. Meanwhile, Ville spent his time hovering in front of the mailbox waiting to see if his college acceptance letters had come in. Jesse had decided not to attend college, and instead was going to take a year off to figure out his life. Ville thought he would need more than a year to do that. 

Ville was working the dead morning shift at the bookstore when Bam Margera strode into the shop. Ville’s posture quickly stiffened.

“Hey. I showed up at your house to see what you were doing today. Novak broke my camera so filming is off until Phil feels bad and buys me a new one to keep me mostly out of trouble. Thought we could start in on the Shakespeare thing. My teacher pulled me aside and said that it was going to be rough for me.”

That made Ville sort of happy. It seemed like Bam’s teacher was taking him seriously now that he was actually doing the work. 

“Well I’m working until four,” Ville said. He politely paused to welcome an old woman who walked into the store. She didn’t even glance at Ville, which was sort of rude, but something that he had come to expect.

“What a bitch,” Bam commented. “Anyway, when I said I was going to drop by, your mother asked me to bring you this.” 

Ville bit his lip as he looked at the big envelope in Bam’s hand.

“It’s a thick one. They say that’s good, right?”

Ville nodded. He took the envelope, but he just kind of stared at it. He wasn’t ready to open it.

“Well are you just going to look at it? It’s not even my future and I wanted to tear it open in the car!”

Ville carefully opened the letter under Bam’s gaze. All he read was the first line.

“Congratulations, Ville Valo,” he read out loud.

Ville smiled and closed his eyes tight. He still had more admission letters to come, but at least he had somewhere to go. Someone accepted him.

“I got in,” Ville said very quietly.

“That’s awesome, man. Penn State. You should scream, or celebrate, or something.”

Ville just neatly tucked the letter into the envelope. 

“I think I’ll wait until they all come in to celebrate. But if you want, I can help you tonight.”

Bam nodded his head and knocked his fist on the counter.

“Cool. I’ll call Jesse and tell him I’ll pick you up. I’ll meet you by the front entrance at four.”

After Bam left, Ville was in a daze all day. He texted Brendon and his mother to tell them the good news. Still, it felt strange that Bam was there for one of the most important moments of his life. College, he thought, as he rang up another paperback from the Oprah’s Book Club display.

……

Despite Ryan’s best efforts, the jazz band was not permitted to cover the four songs that Panic At The Disco had wrote.

“It’s not even jazz,” Mr. Thomas reasoned.

“That’s not even the point,” Ryan said.

“It kind of is,” Ville said with a sideways glance.

Eventually they decided on something that was a total cliché and did a Rat Pack revival. The worst part was that Mr. Thomas insisted that they had to look the part.

Brendon and Ville had spent hours at the thrift store down town coming up with the perfect outfit. It didn’t matter how many times Ville’s mother dry cleaned them, Ville could still smell the smoke on the clothes.

“I think it gives them authenticity,” Brendon said.

“That’s the spirit,” was Anita’s reply.

“I think they both look like a couple of pimps,” Jesse added.

“Go to your room,” was the immediate order.

The show went off without a hitch. Brendon and Ville managed to fit his bass in Brendon’s minivan, so Ville didn’t even need to enlist Jesse’s help to get to and from the school auditorium.

The turnout was above average, and Ville had an idea that it was because they hired the dance squad to wear their skimpy uniforms and sell raffle tickets to renovate the auditorium.

Even Jesse showed up with all of his friends. He claimed it was because if Anita made him go, all his friends should suffer with him. Ville liked to think it was because even if Jesse didn’t approve of Ville’s lifestyle, he was proud of Ville’s talent.

They took a step away from the norm and Mr. Thomas encouraged Brendon to actually sing a song. When he leaned forward into the microphone, while still flawlessly playing the piano, the entire crowd went silent. Let’s Fall In Love never sounded so good, Ville thought. Still, it made him a little sad.

_“I have a feeling, it’s a feeling I’m concealing, I don’t know why. It’s just a mental, incidental, sentimental, alibi.”_

All Ville could think was that Brendon was in love with Spencer and he couldn’t tell anybody how great it felt other than Ville. 

When they all walked offstage that night, Mr. Thomas told them that they were the best ensemble that he ever had. He looked close to tears. Ville felt uncomfortable.

And then, just as they were loading Ville’s bass into the back, Spencer grabbed Ville’s shoulder. 

“Can we have a few minutes?” He asked.

Usually Ville would complain, but not that night. Ville wanted them to fall in love for real. Or at least say it out loud. Brendon was itching to do so, but he said he wanted Spencer to say it first.

Ville found himself leaning against the brick building of the school while Brendon fogged up the windows with Spencer. When someone leaned next to him, he didn’t even have to guess who it was.

“You were good tonight. And Brendon is fantastic. Seriously, they should ship him off to one of those special schools. Is that what he does all summer?”

Ville shook his head carefully. He didn’t want to tell Bam what it meant to be a good Mormon. 

“Well, they should. That kid’s going to make bank. I’m going to be able to say ‘I knew him when’ about that guy.”

“Yeah. We all are.”

“Hey, you want a smoke?”

Ville did. He was wearing a knock off of Frank Sinatra’s outfit and it just made sense that he light up. He had to admit that he was a little grossed out when they passed the same cigarette back and forth, but beggars couldn’t be choosers, he supposed. 

“So, I’m thinking about dropping out of school,” Bam said out of nowhere.

“What?” Ville said. Because maybe they had the stupidest friendship of all time, but Ville couldn’t imagine what school would be like without Bam torturing him and making him smile in the same breath. It just wouldn’t be the same.

“Yeah. I’m basically flunking everything other than English and Novak already failed out for the year. I figure if the two of us just concentrate on skating, we’ll be gold. It’s not like I’m waiting for a letter from Penn State or nothing.”

Ville winced at that, but still he went on. “I think that would be really stupid, Bam. High School may seem useless, and it might suck for all of us, but we only get this time once. You should at least pretend to enjoy it.”

“You saying you like having me around?”

Ville didn’t have to say anything because just then, Spencer Smith tumbled out of Brendon’s van with his hair a mess and a few buttons missing on his shirt.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Bam said. He seemed to vanish. When Ville turned his head to argue, he was alone.

“You better hurry,” Spencer said to Ville. “I don’t want him to miss curfew because of me.”

Ville groaned as he hopped into the van. Brendon wasn’t even pretending to wear a shirt. 

……

In May, Ville figured out what life was like when shit really hit the fan. 

He was lulled into a false sense of security when his daddy came back from Finland. They had more money, his parents were happy and together, and it seemed like they had time to be a family again.

Then, one Friday during a freak thunderstorm, there was a knock on the door during family dinner. Everyone went dead quiet at the table. It seemed like something out of a horror movie since there were very few people the Valos knew that were accustomed to knocking before they barged in.

“I’ll get it,” Kari said.

There was about ten seconds of silence before they all heard Kari’s voice.

“Anita! Ville!”

Ville saw something that he would never forget. Brendon was soaked, and shivering, and crying so hard he could barely stand up. Before Ville could even dive into action, Anita was sitting on the foyer floor with Brendon in her lap, sweeping his sopping wet mop of hair off his forehead and shushing him.

“Jesse, make up the spare room. Ville, go get him some dry clothes.”

Ville didn’t know how she knew that Brendon wouldn’t be going home, but she did.

Later, between half sobs and shaking hands he admitted what had happened. In a moment of stupidity, Spencer had pushed Brendon up against a store window in the mall and kissed him. Apparently someone from Mrs. Urie’s church group had seen him.

“She said that she still loves me. They both do. But they want me to go…go…”

And Ville knew exactly where they wanted to send him. It would be one of those reconditioning camps where they teach you that you’re not really gay. And although they don’t wish ill on anyone who is gay, they make it their mission to spread the good word of God and help the sinners. Ville wanted to be sick.

After Brendon went to bed in the spare room, Jesse leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. “I guess we picked up a stray,” was all he said.

Ville was about to pummel his brother, but Kari put his hand on Ville’s shoulder.

“Brendon isn’t a stray,” Kari said wisely. “He’s family. Start acting like it,” he added a little sternly.

Jesse rolled his eyes and went off to bed, but Ville hovered all night. He practically slept in the hallway, though he knew he could just slide into the bed with Brendon. It seemed like his friend was too raw even for unconditional comfort. 

……

Brendon had been living with Ville for three weeks and it was pretty clear that he wouldn’t be going back home. Mrs. Urie was always very polite when Anita called her, but she was always firm with her decision. Brendon could either comply with her rules, or he could find another arrangement. Anita refused to let him even think about going home.

“You can stay here for as long as you want. Forever. You know that. You’ve always known that,” she said to him.

Brendon just looked embarrassed and a little sad. 

Everybody expected Mrs. Urie to waver after first night that her youngest son was gone, but she didn’t. 

Ville would never forget the day that Brendon disappeared for the afternoon and came back with a wide smile and news that would change their lives.

“Ville! I found an apartment! It’s expensive, and it will be like impossible to work and go to school, but it’s going to be mine.”

Ville shut his book and sat up straight. “What,” he said dumbfounded. He had expected Brendon to stay with him, at least until they finished high school. 

“Well, I can’t just stay here forever. I don’t belong here. Not really!”

“You always belong with me,” Ville argued.

Brendon shook his head sadly. “Not like this, though. We’re best friends. I appreciate that your parents are doing this for me, but seriously, I need to figure stuff out for myself. No one’s going to be helping me anymore. It’s scary, but maybe it will be good for me. I can be whoever I want now.”

And then Brendon told him about the place.

“It’s a fifth floor walkup, and I share a bathroom with two other apartments, but it will be mine. And get this, there’s a super creepy laundry room, but if you kick the dryer apparently it turns on for free. Isn’t that awesome? And there’s an air conditioner, but I guess it only works some of the time. And I guess the heat sucks too, but I’ll buy an extra blanket.”

“How many rooms,” Ville asked curiously.

“Well, the kitchen and living room are sort of the same room, but there are two bedrooms and this weird giant closet that has like, junk in it. I guess I inherit it when I move in. Oh, and you can go on the roof if you want. How cool is that?”

Ville just ran his hand through his hair.

“Did you ever think about getting a roommate?”

“Sort of. It’s going to be really tight, not so much at first, because, you know…I’m not going on my mission. But after that with utilities and junk, I’m probably going to bury myself.”

Ville nodded his head.

“I’m moving in with you,” he said firmly.

Brendon just stared at him for a minute, as if confused by what Ville said. When Brendon finally understood, he looked angry. “No, Ville. Absolutely not.”

“Shut up, Brendon. I’m not going to let you live on your own. You’re not ready to be alone.” 

Brendon shook his head hard. “No, okay? You don’t have to do this. You have a family that loves you and you have things that you need to do. You can’t be trying to survive when your parents are perfectly willing to take care of you. Fuck, you’re going to go to college!”

Ville nodded his head in agreement.

“And I can still do that and be your roommate.”

“I appreciate the gesture and everything, but you really don’t have to. I can take care of myself,” Brendon whined.

“Or, we could take care of each other,” Ville suggested.

Brendon knew when he was not going to win an argument, so he slumped down on the couch.

“Your mother is going to hate me,” Brendon groaned.

“That’s not true, she likes you more than any of us. Believe me, she’s not going to want you to move out either. You actually rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.”

After that, they held hands on the couch and waited for Anita to get home from work. Ville wasn’t looking forward to the conversation, but he was sure that with a little bit of help from his parents, Ville and Brendon would be able to make it together. 

At least for a year, before he went off to college, Ville could be there for his best friend.

**Chapter Ten**

The conversation that Ville dreaded having with his mother was a thousand times worse than he expected. Not only was she unwilling to let Ville go, she was also unwilling to let Brendon leave the house as well.

“Brendon, you’re only seventeen. I can’t in good conscience let you just leave here. I’ll have to call someone,” she had said.

And Ville knew what that meant. She’d call Child Protective Services and Brendon would spend his last year of high school in a foster home or some sort of group facility for kids who had parents that didn’t love them enough. More important to Ville, Brendon would spend their last year of high school alone. He wouldn’t have that.

The surprising thing was that Ville’s daddy supported the idea. When he was asked for his two cents, he held Anita’s hand warmly. “They’re stronger and wiser than you give them credit for, darling. They have to learn how to fly on their own.”

For a week, Brendon had to sleep in Ville’s room because Kari Valo was banished from his own bed. Ville wasn’t surprised by that. His mother held grudges when she needed to.

“I’m fucking everything up,” Brendon would cry at night sometimes. He hated the idea that he upset Ville’s home life.

“You’re not fucking anything up,” Ville said.

As the days passed, Brendon became more withdrawn and less likely to be pulled into conversation. Ville suspected that part of that had to do with how rude Jesse could be to Brendon, because while Ville understood that his parents problems had little to do with Brendon and more to do with rivaling personalities, Jesse did not.

“I just want to go home, Ville. Not back to my parents. But like, I think I’m ready to make my own home. I know that sounds stupid, and impossible, and so fucking pathetic. But I can barely sleep. And I can’t even look Spencer in the eye, because he thinks he ruined my life, and I don’t know how to tell him he didn’t. And then there’s you, and your parents, and you’re seriously the greatest people ever. And you’re going to be my family forever, the only family I have left, but I just can’t breathe here. I can’t!”

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Anita overheard Brendon. When the boys turned around, they saw her holding a hand over her heart like she had been stabbed. Brendon crumbled into tears instantly. Apparently he had history with making mothers cry and he wasn’t able to watch it.

A day later, Anita and Kari sat the boys down at the kitchen table and had a talk.

“We…I mean _I._ I realized that I can’t keep you from doing this. If this is what you want, then I won’t stop you. I feel in my bones that this isn’t the right decision, but your father has reminded me that it isn’t mine to make. So…you can go. Both of you.”

Her eyes were glistening when she finished, but Brendon was practically sobbing with relief. He tried to thank her, but he couldn’t get the words out.

“Don’t thank me yet, boys. We have some conditions.”

And did she ever.

……

Anita Valo stood in the apartment that Brendon wanted to rent for about twelve seconds before she pushed both Ville and Brendon out of the room.

“Over my dead body,” she said as she started the car. The Superintendent of the building with his poorly groomed facial hair and pit-stained shirt was still looking at her crossly from the window.

“But that was the cheapest one,” Brendon exclaimed from the back seat of the car.

“I’m sure that’s true, sweetheart. But you get what you pay for!”

The first rule was that Anita had to approve of the place that Ville and Brendon were going to move into. For a while Ville was pretty sure that it was just a game, that she was never going to find anything that the two boys could afford, and that it was all just a tricky way to keep them under her thumb.

They looked at dozens of places that Ville and Brendon found in the free paper and that Anita found through work.

All the while, life went on; Ville and Brendon went to work, Ville wrote stories, Brendon practiced with the band. The difference was, not once did Brendon see Spencer outside of practice. Ville wanted to ask if they had broken up, but every time Ville so much as said the name Spencer, Brendon would curl up his body like his spine hurt. 

……

At the very end of June, just when Brendon started talking about running away, they found a place. A nursing assistant who worked the third shift at the hospital told Anita about an opening in her building.

When they went to look at it, Anita was strangely silent the entire time. She went further into the building than she ever did before; she ran the water in the kitchen to make sure it ran clean, she inspected the laundry room, she even checked the security of the lock on the door.

Ville was sure that she was about to ask about the location of sex offenders in the area when she smiled at the building owner. “They’re good boys, I promise. Do you need me to co-sign the lease for them?”

And that’s how Ville and Brendon got their very first apartment. They split the first, last, and security between them. It hurt a little, but Ville had always been very good with his money. While Anita signed paperwork saying that she’d be responsible should Ville and Brendon destroy anything or skip out on their rent, they celebrated in the hall.

“It’s going to be amazing! We’re going to eat s’mores all the time, and no one is going to wake us up, and you’ll be the last person I see before I go to bed and the first person I see when I wake up.”

“We could do that now,” Ville laughed.

“Yeah, but your dad would totally eat a whole bag of marshmallows before we even found a heat source to toast them. This is seriously going to be awesome!”

……

They had a week between signing their lease before they could move into the new apartment on the first of the month.

While Jesse was happy that Brendon was going to be moving out of his hair, he seemed to think it was unfair that Ville was leaving the nest before him.

“How is it that I turned eighteen and graduated from high school and my little brother who isn’t even a senior yet has his own apartment? Mama, this isn’t fair.”

Anita just rolled her eyes at him. “Maybe if you had a Brendon of your own to take care of you, we’d think about giving you a little more independence.”

Ville and Brendon smiled at each other, having a silent celebration. For once in their stupid lives, they were cooler and more grown up than Jesse. 

……

Ville was exhausted after working twelve hours straight at the bookstore. Another girl had called in sick, and when Ville mentioned that he needed the money, his boss let him stay for the shift. Ville was already mentally drained and annoyed when he walked home from the bus stop. When he turned the corner and saw Mrs. Urie’s minivan parked in front of the house, he froze. He took exactly two deep breaths before he hurried inside to see what was going on.

Instead of a scene where Mrs. Urie dragged Brendon out of the house against his will, Brendon was alone in the living room. He sat still as a mouse on the couch with a set of keys cradled in his lap.

“What’s going on,” Ville asked quietly.

“She…”

Brendon didn’t say anything else for a long time. It seemed like he was still processing what had happened himself.

“She said that they were going to give me the van for graduation, but that maybe I’d need it now. And she said that she still loves me very much and that when I decide that I’m ready to come back, I can.”

Ville’s eyes popped out of his head. “She said you could come home? Just like that? After all this time?”

Brendon shook his head sadly.

“No. She said that when I was ready to come back to the church, she’d welcome me back. But…I don’t know. I mean, it was more than I expected. She still loves me and she’s praying for me. It doesn’t sound like much, or enough, but I’m…kind of happy.”

That night, after Brendon’s mother let him go with the knowledge that she would always love her son, Brendon flushed his ADD medication. He didn’t have to be someone else for her anymore.

……

Ville forgot what Brendon was like off his medication. He had tons of energy that sometimes Ville loved, but sometimes he just couldn’t tolerate. They were moving into their new apartment in two days and what Ville needed was a little space. Every twitch Brendon made and joke he laughed too long at brought Ville closer to snapping. Rather than yelling at his best friend, he decided to take off for the day. Ville didn’t want to punish Brendon for being happy. Ville left Brendon doing cartwheels in the back yard with the girl next door and he took the bus down town. 

He didn’t have anything he really needed to do. A few days before Ville and Brendon had spent more money than they wanted to on second hand furniture at the Good Will. Ville kept saying that he didn’t really need anything, but Anita refused to let her son move into an unfurnished apartment. “It’s uncivilized,” she kept barking. Ville kept it to himself that the apartment above the sex shop in Helsinki only had two chairs at the kitchen table and there was no couch to speak of in the living room, only folding lawn chairs. 

While he was walking down Main Street trying to find something to distract himself with, someone quite literally skated into him. Ville nearly fell over, but he was caught easily by heavy hands.

“Dude, you go over like a sack of potatoes. Really, you need to learn to expect the worst.”

Ville groaned as Bam Margera gave him a pep talk.

“Hello, Bam,” Ville said. He made sure to sound annoyed.

“Hey. So what’s this thing that Jesse keeps talking about? He thinks you’re moving into an apartment by yourself. Is that a real thing?”

Ville nodded, trying so hard to act cool, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Yeah. Brendon will be with me. But just us. I guess it’s a little crazy.” He was proud of himself for being grown up, but more than that, he was proud to be a loyal friend.

“Dude, that’s fucking cool. I wish Ape would let me move out. I’d keep quiet about it though, everybody’s gonna try to talk you into throwing a party.”

Ville shook his head. “Having an apartment pretty much means I’ll never be there. I’ll be working a lot. Brendon will too. No time for parties,” Ville added, though he left out the fact that he had never been to a party that he liked.

“Yeah, that’s cool.” Bam scratched the back of his neck and looked around. He looked awkward. “So I guess I’ll have to find a new tutor then?”

Ville almost panicked. He had been anticipating the money that April Margera gave him to keep him and Brendon eating cup of noodle and peanut butter. Without it, he’d be fucked.

“I’ll always have time for you, Bam. You’ll just have to work on a schedule.”

Bam nodded his head and picked up his board. “Cool. I’ll have Ape up the price too. Senior year should cost more anyway, right? I’m supposed to be like, smarter and shit.”

Ville’s face flushed out of embarrassed. He knew that Bam was being kind to him because he’d be poor. But the fact was, Ville wasn’t in the place to deny charity.

“See you around,” he said. 

……

Move in day was hell. Ville wasn’t sure where they had acquired so much crap, but they had. It was heavy, and Ville was sweating, and it seemed like Brendon was all too willing to run up and down the stairs.

Ville and Brendon were both small boys, but together they could manage to carry heavy things. Still, it emasculated Ville when his daddy and Jesse would walk up the stairs carrying something that Ville never could have handled alone.

Anita spent her time wisely organizing things, leaving the manual labor to her boys. She put the dishes away, moved the furniture around to look pleasing, she even made the beds.

Once everything was done, Ville realized why it seemed like they had moved more things than they should have. There was a TV that Brendon and Ville never bought, an arm chair that belonged to Kari, there were prints on the wall, and even a coffee machine on the counter. Ville wanted to cry and Brendon looked like he was about to.

“Thank you for everything,” Ville said honestly.

“Stop being all emotional and stuff. You wonder why everybody thinks you’re a loser,” Jesse yelled. “Now can we get takeout? Because I think it’s a rule that if you move a Good Will couch, someone is supposed to buy you pizza.”

Ville could afford pizza, but he really wanted to save his money.

“I’ll buy if I can pick the place,” Kari said. And at that moment, Ville really loved his father.

They ate together on paper plates even if Ville and Brendon had a set of mismatched china.

“It’s easier this way, boys. You both hate doing dishes,” Anita said. 

……

For the first week in their apartment, Brendon and Ville didn’t do much. They went to work, working mostly the same shifts, and then they came home together. They always made it a point to plan out dinner so they could cook and clean together. At the end of the night they would sit on the couch talking about how great it was that they had their own place.

Things were great, but Ville wasn’t so sure that either of them could have done it alone. Ville felt so young every time he heard a noise on the street, or the woman in the apartment above him stomping in the middle of the night. 

Most nights Brendon would come into Ville’s room and slide into the bed with him.

“Sometimes I think this was a really stupid idea,” he’d say. Ville would wrap his arm around Brendon and pull him a little closer. “It’s stupid. Like, I get that it’s just a car, or a coyote or something, but I get scared. I’m such a pussy. Fuck, what would I do if you weren’t here,” he’d ramble.

Ville would just laugh. They’d hum The Rainbow Connection together until one of them drifted off to sleep. More often than not, Brendon would fall asleep first. Ville suspected it was because Brendon felt safer than Ville did. 

……

The second week into their new life together, Ville and Brendon both froze when there was a knock at their door. Other than Anita, they had never had a visitor before. 

Ville was about to go check the peep hole to see who it was, but Brendon shook his head.

“No. I’ll go. I should go,” he said.

Ville couldn’t figure out why they were both so nervous. It wasn’t as if they had done anything wrong. He felt so foolish. And underneath it all, he realized that neither of them were really ready for this.

“It’s Spencer,” Brendon hissed from the door.

“Are you going to open it,” Ville asked in a whisper.

“You know I can hear you two, right?” Spencer’s mumbled voice carried.

Ville hid his face in the couch cushion when he realized they were caught. Brendon had no choice but to let Spencer in.

For a while, all Spencer did was look around their humble living room. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets. Ville had the urge to flee the scene, but Brendon gave him a pleading look that said ‘don’t you dare leave me alone right now.’

“This is nice. Way nicer than I thought. When I badgered Jesse to get the address, he made it sound like the two of you were living in an abandoned warehouse.”

Spencer laughed, but Ville didn’t. His brother was an asshole and Ville was starting to believe that they would never be close. Anita always told him that when they were older they would be friends again, but Ville didn’t really believe her.

“Home sweet home,” Brendon said. Directly followed by, “what are you doing here, Spencer?”

And that’s when it got awkward.

“Ah. Can we, uh…talk,” he asked, giving Ville a sideways glance.

“Yes, yes you can,” Ville said. He left the room despite the fact that Brendon gave him a dirty look.

For a while Ville heard a hushed argument between the wall that separated his room from Brendon’s. But after that, it was strangely quiet. That night Ville went to sleep on his own terms. Brendon never crawled in bed with him and Ville never heard the front door open to let Spencer out. 

It wasn’t until morning when Ville walked out in his boxers to find Spencer Smith drinking coffee out of Ville’s mug that Ville realized that Spencer never left. It hurt a little to know that when Brendon had Spencer, he didn’t need Ville anymore.

“Everything okay,” Ville asked. Though somewhere deep inside, he selfishly didn’t want it to be alright.

“Yeah. We’re…we’re better, thanks. He’s still sleeping,” Spencer added.

“Doesn’t surprise me. He’ll keep you up all night tossing and turning, and in the end, you still get out of bed before him.”

Spencer nodded along looking disturbed that Ville knew that.

“We’re just friends,” Ville added again, just in case that was one of the problems.

“I know. It’s just hard sometimes.”

At that moment, Brendon emerged from his room with spectacular bed head and no shirt on. “That’s what she said,” he joked, effectively ending the serious conversation that Spencer and Ville might have had together.

……

In July, Brendon picked up a second job for the summer. He played downtown at some crappy dinner joint that tried too hard to be upscale. The pay rate was shitty, but Brendon made tips and brought home free food. 

There wasn’t much on the menu that was vegetarian friendly, so Ville and Brendon spent a lot of evenings eating mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. Whatever, Ville thought. It kept them out of cup of noodle for a while.

Brendon loved the gig, too. “I mean, what more could I want? I get to play a baby grand piano every night. Do you know how often that doesn’t happen? Fuck, I wish my mom gave me the piano rather than the van. It would have sucked moving it, and it is totally less practical, but a keyboard just isn’t the same, you know?”

Ville would just nod along.

As Brendon got dressed in the suit he usually reserved for jazz band, he would tell Ville all about what he was going to play.

“I think I’ll play a little more classical than jazz tonight. People seem to like that more. But I guess…I guess I just want to see a couple dance, at least once. There’s a floor and everything, but I guess people don’t dance anymore. If I was on a date, I would totally want to dance, even if other people weren’t dancing. I would make them all want to dance. Hey, do you think Spencer would want to dance with me?”

And then the apartment would be empty for the evening and eerily silent. Ville kept thinking that maybe he should be getting a second job too, because money would always be tight. But Ville’s schedule at the book store was so random that it would have been impossible to coordinate two schedules.

When Ville told his mother how he was feeling, she sighed. “Ville, don’t be afraid to ask us for money. We’re willing to help you. I don’t…your father and I don’t want you and Brendon to burn yourselves out.”

After that, Bam Margera mysteriously showed up at the bookstore.

“So, summer reading. How about we don’t wait until the very last minute for that?”

Ville just nodded his head. He wondered if his mother put Bam up to it, and if so, if Anita was going to pay for Bam’s summer reading tutoring. He never had the heart to ask.

Also, after that call, Anita started showing up once a week with groceries, “just a few odds and ends,” she’d say. Brendon was always excited, but Ville was embarrassed.

The boys were already required to eat at the Valo house at least once a week, it was one of the rules that got them in the apartment in the first place. Having his mother show up with soy milk and Hostess cupcakes just sort of made Ville feel babied. 

……

After Brendon and Ville got their first electric bill they realized that air conditioning was a privilege, not a necessity. It was hotter than hell some nights, but they took care of that by sleeping nearly naked and opening up a window.

It was one of those excruciatingly humid days in July that Ville found himself lying in bed reading Bam The Things They Carried. It was a book of short stories about soldiers who trekked along in the Vietnam jungle to fight a war that they didn’t really believe in. For the hundredth time, Ville couldn’t believe his luck. He had to pick from the same list of books that Bam did for summer reading. It was like killing two birds with one stone. The only problem was that Brendon never seemed to be home when Bam came over. Ville knew that Brendon was reading the books behind the counter at The Smoothie Hut, but if he would finish by the end of summer, who knew?

“Dude, it’s hot as fuck in here,” Bam said, pulling his shirt over his head. Ville could smell him and it wasn’t unpleasing at all. Bam smelled a little like sweat, and Speed Stick deodorant, and so very _male._ Ville wasn’t completely without control, so he didn’t immediately get hard, but he knew he would be later when he curled up in his bed and Bam’s scent lingered. 

“Like, you’re reading me this book about a bunch of guys who are sweating their balls off in a jungle, and I feel for them. Because if it were any fucking hotter in here, I would seriously get on a plane to Vietnam just to see if it were any fucking better.”

“Why don’t you say fuck again,” Ville said, shutting the book violently. He was hot too, and hungry actually. And Bam was distractingly hot in ways that had nothing to do with the temperature. When all those factors added up together, Ville wasn’t as easy going as he usually was with Bam.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking, fuck,” Bam said. “Happy now?”

Ville closed his eyes and pulled his own shirt over his head. He was hot too, and if Bam was going to have no shame, Ville decided that he would do the same. He kept his eyes closed, but it was like he could feel eyes roaming over his skin and he knew that his chest had gained more structure and muscle since the last time that Bam had seen it. For the first time in a long time, Ville was proud of himself and his body. “Delighted,” he said lazily. 

“You better not be sleeping on me,” Ville heard as Bam knocked his knuckles against Ville’s thigh. He couldn’t help but stretch the muscle underneath, just to make the contact last a little longer. Ville let out a sigh when Bam rested his hand there.

“Just taking a break. Aren’t you the one who always says we need a break?”

“Yeah,” Bam said. 

And two seconds later, Ville moaned in both shock and desire when he felt surprisingly cool hands slide up his chest.

“So fuckin’ hot,” Ville heard. Whether Bam was talking about the actual heat or Ville’s body, Ville didn’t want to know.

If Ville were a boy in one of those stupid high school sitcoms, he probably would have been surprised when Bam leaned in to kiss him. Unfortunately, that was not the case. For what felt like an eternity, Ville’s heart beat thudded at an alarming rate while Bam’s hands stroked over his ribs. Bam wasn’t inching forward, but crawling by millimeters. By the time the kiss happened, Ville couldn’t quite be sure who initiated. Yes, Bam was making the first move, but it might have been Ville who tipped his head up for it, just to put himself out of his misery. If he had anymore anticipation he was sure that he was going to go into cardiac arrest.

The first kiss was tentative, and truthfully, kind of bad. Ville’s lips were chapped and dry from reading and Bam’s were too wet and bitten raw. When Bam tried to cradle Ville’s face in his hands, his clumsy fingers got tangled in Ville’s hair that was unruly from the humidity. After Bam pulled back, they both opened their eyes and laughed.

“I can do better than that. Come on, you know I can do better than that. Fuck, come here. Sit up a little,” Bam commanded. And the fact that Ville shivered when Bam manhandled him into a different position was sort of telling, but thankfully Bam didn’t tease him for it.

After that it was slow and lazy making out that Ville always longed for. With Bam, everything had always been so clumsy. With Brendon, everything had been overly sweet. And in Finland, Ville had been so busy learning how to be experienced that he never stopped to enjoy it. This is perfect, Ville thought as Bam’s thigh slid between his legs and his hand traced the line of his jaw.

It went on forever or not nearly long enough, Ville could never be sure. He kept trying to arch his body up to get some kind of friction, but Bam never let him have it.

“Hey. Hey, no,” Bam said. Ville froze under him. He wondered how he possibly could have read the situation wrong. Bam had kissed him. He didn’t understand what right Bam had to stop him.

“This isn’t me trying to get into your pants, okay? I’m trying to do this right, or whatever.”

Ville shot him a confused look.

“You told me once that I’d fuck you for a month and get bored of you. I’m going to prove you wrong.”

Ville whined a little and clutched the denim that was loose under Bam’s ass. Fucking skater jeans, he thought. More than anything he wanted to grab Bam’s actual ass and pull him down.

“I’m going to prove you wrong by waiting a whole month before actually fucking you,” Bam whispered. It sounded like a tease tucked inside the pocket of a promise. Ville didn’t like it very much. “And after that, you’re going to get that I’m taking this seriously. And after that it will last a month, and then another month, and a month after that.”

Ville wasn’t sure that he could handle any promises so he shut Bam up with a kiss. When Bam finally pulled away, he propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at Ville with an amazed look in his eye.

“Besides,” he said, pulling Ville out of his daze. “It’s too hot to fuck.”

And Ville laughed.

Ville never picked up the book again and Bam never moved to leave. They didn’t kiss again, but Bam traced his thumb around Ville’s navel and Ville ran his toes along the sole of Bam’s foot.

“Hey, CKY is playing tonight. You should come with me,” Bam asked. It sounded suspiciously like a not-date. Ville didn’t know if he was ready to take their show on the road yet.

“Brendon’s working at the piano bar until midnight. You should…you should just stay here,” Ville suggested.

Surprisingly, Bam did. That was the first night that the two boys spent together sober. Ville hoped it wouldn’t be the last. 

……

The following morning Brendon caught Bam sneaking out of their apartment. Ville groaned when Brendon started jumping up and down on Ville’s bed. The mattress squeaked loud and it sounded obscene. His cock rose to half attention when he thought of all the things he could do to actually get the bed to make that sound, but unfortunately Bam wasn’t joking when he said he wanted to wait a month.

“I can’t believe I didn’t hear this last night! Oh god, Bam. Harder! Harder! Harder,” Brendon teased. Eventually Ville kicked him in the leg so he fell back on the bed.

“When were you going to tell me,” Brendon asked.

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me what, he says! Tell me that you’re fucking Bam Margera. Or he’s fucking you. Honestly, I can’t really tell how that would go. Usually when I jerk off and I think about you, you top. But him? I don’t know…”

“Brendon,” Ville yelled. He was already half hard and Brendon wasn’t helping. The truth was, he had spent more than one night jerking off into the sink thinking about the way Brendon would look bent over the couch.

“We’re not fucking,” Ville said a little too loud. “Yet,” he added, already seeing the ‘but’ on his friend’s lips. “He wants to wait a month. I think it’s cruel, but…it’s sort of sweet, right.”

Brendon smiled wide. He looked like an overgrown kid on Christmas. Ville knew that he was in for it. “It’s actually really romantic. You know, when I figured out you had a crush on him, I was worried. Because Spencer’s nice. And Bam…well, he’s not really nice to anyone. But I’m glad he’s being nice to you now, even if he was a total dick before,” Brendon rambled.

“He’s not being nice. He’s keeping me sexually frustrated. There’s nothing nice about that!”

Brendon just rolled his eyes and got off the bed. 

“Spencer and I waited months to have sex! It’s not going to kill you.”

Ville decided not to point out that Spencer thought he was straight before Brendon hit him. 

……

Ville was two weeks into his not-sexual relationship with Bam when he decided his life was officially over.

April Margera was a very understanding mother, so sometimes her son just wouldn’t make it home. When that happened, Bam slept in Ville’s bed.

Ville had to admit that it was sweet. He liked sleeping half naked with Bam and the kissing and the touching. He liked that they took separate trips to the bathroom to jerk off before they finally decided to go to bed.

What Ville didn’t like was the Sunday afternoon that Brendon, Spencer, Bam, and Ville all slept in and Anita showed up for the afternoon. She let herself in with her key, and when they heard someone walk into the apartment, all four boys decided to investigate… _in their underwear._

Anita’s eyes went from one door to the other. Ville wanted to die. Brendon of course bailed on Ville. He yelped loud and slammed his door. In the distance, Ville could hear a hurried whisper. Ville wouldn’t have been surprised if Brendon made Spencer climb down the four story fire escape in his underwear just to keep Anita’s approval. 

“I think I need a drink,” she said. Ville was about to deny the fact that they had anything to drink, but somehow she knew just where to find it. She used a plastic cup with a Tansformer on it to take a single shot of vodka she pulled out of the freezer.

“At least none of you can get pregnant. That has to be the upside, right?”

At that moment, Bam rested his chin on Ville’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist. Ville was embarrassed and immediately tried to fight him off. “If that does happen, I promise to make an honest man out of him, Mrs. Valo!”

Anita took a second shot, obviously still processing Bam’s joke. Once she swallowed Ville bellowed, “I’m not having sex,” across the apartment.

“I’m not having sex either,” they all heard muffled behind Brendon’s door.

Anita put her head in her hands for a moment and then stood up. Ville noted that she was holding her purse like it was a life line.

“Boys, promise me you will teach Brendon how to lie better. Also, let’s agree to never speak of this again, especially in front of your father.”

Ville nodded enthusiastically.

“Bam, it was lovely seeing you again. Hopefully next time you and my son are wearing pants.”

“Sure thing, Mrs. Valo,” he said. 

After she left the apartment, Ville groaned. Bam just laughed and left little playful kisses behind Ville’s ear.

“I want to die. My life is over,” Ville said melodramatically. 

“Oh, shut up. She was totally cool about it and you know it.”

Ville rested his full weight against Bam and made a playful roll of his hips. “Can we at least have sex now considering my mother thinks we are anyway?”

Bam shivered, but he put his hands on Ville’s hips and pushed him away.

“No. But I’ll grab you a bowl of cereal and put the coffee on.”

Ville decided that even though coffee was not better than sex, it was better than nothing.

……

CKY played a show to celebrate the end of summer and this time Spencer didn’t have to sell his soul to get a chance to open for them.

Instead Brendon walked into Ville’s room where Ville was folding three week’s worth of laundry.

“Jess Margera just called me and asked if we’d open for them next Saturday. Why didn’t he ask Ryan or Spencer? And how does he even have my phone number?”

After he finished talking he bounced down on Ville’s bed. Ville sighed when he realized that his best friend had successfully unfolded most of his pants and all of their towels.

“It makes sense, Brendon. You’re the lead singer. One day when you get famous, people are going to want to talk to you, not Ryan. You should be ready for that.”

Brendon bit his lip. “But they’re Ryan’s songs. He writes all the lyrics. He doesn’t even let us help!”

Ville shrugged. “Maybe someday he will. But still, you’re the front man. You’re the important one. And the hot one,” Ville said teasingly.

“Ryan’s totally better looking. And he writes the lyrics. It’s not my fault he can’t sing,” Brendon complained.

Ville just patted his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Oh, and to answer your second question, he probably got your number from Bam. I uh, I gave it to him. I hope that’s okay.”

Brendon nodded. “I made sure that Spencer had yours too. Everybody always says how different we are, but when you think about it, we’re almost the same person, aren’t we?”

Ville had to smirk. Brendon was shaking a Helsinki snow globe with his dirty feet on Ville’s freshly washed sheets. Ville was folding all the laundry and calculating next month’s bills in his head. In some respects they were nothing alike. But together, they made sense. Brendon reminded Ville not to take things so seriously and to live a little, and Ville kept Brendon from beating himself up when things went wrong. They took good care of each other.

“Totally the same person,” Ville agreed, neglecting the rest of the laundry to play 

……

It was hell for Brendon and Ville to get a Saturday night off, which was strange, because the two of them had spent the three months of summer picking up every available shift they could. When it came down to it, other teenagers were selfish.

Brendon managed to get the whole day off to have another rehearsal before the big gig. Ville wasn’t as lucky. He was stuck working eleven to six at the book store. The worst part was, he knew that he only had two hours to get home from work, eat something, shower, and then get to Rex’s to see Brendon play.

“Why don’t you just quit,” Brendon whined when he figured out that Ville would not be around to keep him entertained.

“Because we can’t afford for me to quit,” Ville said as he put on his stupid uniform. Bam told him it looked cute and Brendon told him that it made him look like a serial killer. Ville was never sure of whom he should believe.

“Whatever. I’m going to be famous. One day I’m going to keep you in the life of luxury, Ville.”

And the crazy part was, Ville mostly believed him. He knew that someday Brendon was going to make something of himself. He also knew that Brendon was never going to forget about him along the way. The reality was though, that day was not today, and he still had to go to work.

“That’s fine. But until then, I have to go sell John Grisham novels to bored house wives. Good luck,” he said, kissing Brendon on the forehead. 

At five thirty Bam showed up at the book store and lingered around the register waiting for Ville. The manager of the shop had already told Bam to buy something or leave twice, but he didn’t believe in listening to authority figures. Ville kept arguing with Bam that he could get fired, but Bam shrugged him off. “Dude! You work the shittiest hours ever and they don’t pay you nothing. He’s not going to fire you unless you start using the clearance books as toilet paper.”

Ville groaned but he didn’t make Bam leave.

After that it was a rush of things. It was Bam driving like a mad man, stopping at a deli, and the both of them inhaling their sandwiches before Ville got in the shower.

Back at the apartment, Bam quite clearly was trying to kill him. While Ville showered off eight layers of dust from the book store, Bam sat on the closed lid of the toilet seat and just talked to him. Ville had no idea how Bam had enough control to do that without needing to fuck Ville, because Ville wasn’t born with that kind of restraint. More than anything Ville wanted to jerk off, but he didn’t dare do it while Bam was observing him and asking about Jesse’s new girlfriend. 

Also, Ville didn’t have time to jerk off. Ville still had shampoo in his hair when Bam said, “Dude, is it really seven thirty already?” 

“Fuck,” Ville shouted, partly because he got shampoo in his eye, but mostly because he was going to be so fucking late.

Because Ville’s life sucked, of course Bam couldn’t find a parking spot, and when he finally did, they had to walk about a million blocks to the bar. By the time they got there, Ville’s hair was a frizzy mess because he didn’t have time to dry it and Bam was practically wheezing from trying to keep up with the fast stride of Ville’s long legs.

They walked in the same moment that Brendon stepped in front of the microphone. It looked like he was about to say something when Ryan’s voice boomed out of the amp. “I’m Ryan Ross and we are Panic! At The Disco!”

Ville just shook his head. Once again, Ryan failed to let Brendon take the spot light. 

“I told you that we wouldn’t miss anything,” Bam taunted him. Still, Ville’s chest ached a little when Brendon’s eyes sought him out in the crowd and he glared at him for being late. 

The show was great. Brendon was amazing and Bam spent the entire time tracing the heart tattoo on Ville’s wrist and kissing his neck. It was beautiful and distracting at the same time, so much so that Ville barely noticed when Brent broke a string on his bass. For the rest of the song Brent stood there looking like a lost puppy. When the song was over Ryan didn’t even hesitate before he tore into him in front of their audience.

“What are you just going to stand there and look cute? Jesus fucking Christ, Brent. There are helper monkeys out there that are smarter than you. Do something!”

There was an awkward silence and the crowd started to get restless. “Shit,” Ville said, anticipating the worst.

“Don’t worry. Your boy totally has this covered,” Bam assured. 

Ryan looked like he wanted to cry and Brendon was biting his lip. They had no direction; that is, until Brendon took a step forward to take the mic.

“We’re having a few technical difficulties here. I however, am the king of distraction. And right now, I’m going to distract you with something so fantastic and cheesy that even the hipsters out there won’t be able to roll their eyes.”

Ryan was legitimately biting his nails wondering what Brendon was going to do.

“This one goes out to my roommate, Ville. Even if he was late tonight. He likes to sing this one in the shower. I love you, man!”

Ville blushed and Bam rocked him from side to side. Of course he could never know for sure, but Ville swore that Bam was jealous.

_“Just a small town girl,”_ Brendon sang, accompanied by only his acoustic guitar. _“Living in her lonely world!”_

The crowd went nuts. From that moment on, it was clear that Brendon was a star. He hoped that Ryan would start treating him like one.

By the end of the song, Brent had managed to borrow a bass from CKY. Ryan still gave him a death glare, but to be honest, Ville thought it worked out for the best. Brendon found his balls and Ville would always feel partly responsible for that.

After the set Ville wanted to stay with Bam, but he felt like he owed it to Brendon to be with him.

“I’m sorry. I have to…”

All Bam did was sweep Ville’s hair off his forehead and kiss him in a room full of so many people. It unnerved him how everyone was staring like they were the intermission act. “I know,” Bam said. “Try to come back, but if not I’ll see you out front later.”

Ville never made it back. He spent the rest of the show with Brendon on his lap from side stage. Brendon kept whispering in Ville’s ear about how good he felt, how good he was, and how he knew what he was going to do with the rest of his life. Ville kept his arms around Brendon’s waist through the whole thing and he only felt a little guilty when Spencer looked wounded by their closeness.

After Spencer took Brendon to bed, Bam pressed Ville up against the refrigerator. Ville gasped, but he didn’t make Bam give him space.

“I know this is going to sound fucking stupid, but I can’t wait until school starts,” Bam said.

Ville kissed Bam lightly and then frowned. “And why is that?”

“Because it means I get to fuck you. Or at least ask you if you want to fuck.”

Ville groaned again. “I’m going to say yes. We should….just… _now.”_

“Nope,” Bam dismissed before another lingering kiss. Then he ruined it all. “I’m gonna go jerk off on the dirty boxers you left on the bathroom floor.”

Ville knew that Bam wasn’t joking. He also knew that it was the first year that he was looking forward to going back to school.


	2. Chapter 11-15

**Chapter Eleven**

Brendon and Ville spent a rare evening alone the night before school started. Spencer’s mother, though trusting him enough to stay out all night during the summer, didn’t appear to extend that freedom when class was in session. She put her foot down and made him come home for the night. Ville was highly entertained by hearing the one sided conversation that Spencer tried to keep private in the kitchen (he actually begged, which was sort of alarmingly hot, but then again Bam was still keeping Ville disgustingly sexually frustrated). 

Bam was a different story. Ville had to all but order him to leave his apartment.

“Go home. Talk to your mother. For the love of God, wear clean underwear,” Ville said. “You’ll see me tomorrow,” was his promise. Bam protested, kept leaning in for just one more kiss, but eventually he left. Ville sort of hated it when he did. 

Brendon and Ville spent all night on the couch eating marshmallows and watching one of the four channels that they got on their TV. Cable of course was a luxury that neither boy entertained that they needed. 

“This is kind of nice,” Brendon said, leaning into Ville’s shoulder. “Sometimes it feels like we never see each other.”

“We see each other all the time,” Ville protested, stealing the last marshmallow before Brendon could have it. 

“Yeah, but Spencer and Bam are always around. Sometimes it’s good when it’s just us, like it was before,” he admitted.

Ville knew the feeling. He actually missed his late nights with Brendon where he didn’t have to worry about what anybody thought of him. 

They fell asleep on the couch that night purely by accident. If Ville’s mother hadn’t called to wish him a great first day, they both would have missed their first day of school. The conversation was short - full of bleary “No, mama, I wasn’t still asleep,” and, “Of course we won’t be late.” As soon as he hung up the phone everything changed for them. They lived at a fast forward pace that neither of them enjoyed, but both of them could endure. While Brendon took a shower, Ville made pop tarts and coffee. And while Ville showered, Brendon washed the dishes and packed up their bags. They had no idea that it would be a routine that they would have to strive to keep. One day all too soon, showers and clean dishes would become a luxury - just like cable.

They both walked out to Brendon’s van groggy and cranky that morning, but just before Ville could slide his way into the passenger seat, they heard a high pitched whistle. And in the distance, Bam was sitting on the hood of his car looking so smooth and beautiful that Ville thought he was still dreaming.

“Is he for real?” Brendon laughed. “This isn’t even close to on his way to school.”

“Shut up, Brendon,” Ville said. “You know you’re going to go pick up Spencer.” 

He took a moment to say goodbye to Brendon, fixed his shirt and reminded him that he only had a quarter tank of gas left in the van. “I’ll see you at school,” he added before sprinting across the parking lot. As he did, he mentally kicked himself for sounding too much like his mother.

“Hey,” Bam said with a goofy smile. “This is a nice thing to do, right? Picking up your boyfriend on the first day of school?”

Ville nodded, not trusting his voice as Bam tucked Ville’s hair behind his ear. It always sent a shiver down Ville’s spine when he did that.

“You said I could see you today and I wanted to be the first person to see you. Except for Brendon, but you know, whatever,” he added. It hurt a little that Bam seemed to be jealous of Brendon, but there was nothing that Ville could do to change that.

“So do you like what you see,” Ville tried, doing his very best to be seductive. 

Bam just leaned in and kissed him, pulling him half on top of him. It felt absolutely scandalous to be making out with Bam Margera on the hood of his battered Honda but Ville loved every second of it. He would have done it for hours, but he couldn’t just skip his first day of school.

“You are not going to distract me into missing my first day of school. We’re going,” Ville insisted.

“You say that like you’re going to skip school with me someday just to do this,” Bam said.

And when all Ville did was blush, Bam pushed Ville away with a groan. “Best boyfriend ever,” he mumbled on his way to the driver’s seat.

Ville walked into school that day with Bam holding tight to his hand. It felt good to have people looking at him like he was someone other than Jesse Valo’s little brother. And even if they were looking at him just because he was Bam’s new boyfriend, Ville was alright with that. After the last three years, he thought he earned that title.

They shared lazy kisses in the hall and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch. Ville noticed that Spencer and Brendon were not nearly as close, but he figured that had more to do with the fact that they didn’t want Ryan Ross to know that they were an item, and less to do with the fact that they cared what the rest of the student body thought. 

But as the end of the day grew closer, Bam seemed to disappear. He looked for him at his locker at the end of the day, but he was nowhere to be found. 

Eventually Brendon came up to him. “Dude, we gotta go. We both have to work,” he said regrettably. And Ville hated that. Everybody else at school was going to go home and watch TV, and Brendon and Ville were going to go to work so they could eat next week. 

……

That night, Bam didn’t call or come over like he usually did and Ville’s stomach felt sour. He checked his phone to see if Bam called so many times that eventually it died on him.

“I think Bam’s breaking up with me,” Ville said to Brendon that night.

“You’re being stupid. You two haven’t even had sex yet. He’s not going to break up with you before he fucks you,” Brendon reasoned.

“Great. Now if he does fuck me, I’m going to be paranoid that he’s never going to come back!” 

“You sound like me,” Brendon said, and the sick part was, he really did. Ville sounded insecure and _so_ scared. When Brendon offered to let Ville sleep in his bed that night, Ville didn’t hesitate for a second before he said yes. 

……

School seemed like it was almost for show, Ville thought. He had already been accepted to college, he had already made the decision on where he was going to go, and he already put in all his papers for scholarships and financial aid. He didn’t see what the point of going to school for another year was, but he did it all the same.

Unlike some of his classmates, Ville didn’t take joke classes just to pad his GPA. He took an AP class in short story writing, he remained in the journalism class, and he even took a poetry workshop that would probably come back to bite him in the ass.

But even though he was busy through the school hours, there was still a nagging feeling that Bam was avoiding him. Ville couldn’t figure out what he possibly did wrong.

It wasn’t until the end of the day that he actually saw Bam. Ville was so irrationally angry that he barely said hello to him before he started walking towards Brendon.

“Hey, wait up,” Bam said.

“I can’t. I have to go to work.” Ville looked down at his shoes, because he didn’t want to look Bam in the eye. If he was going to break up with him, Ville didn’t want to have a visual to go with it.

“Uh, about that,” Bam said awkwardly. “You’re kind of not,” he said. It sounded more like a question though. Ville finally looked up, and when he did, Bam was smiling.

“So like, I got Heidi to work for you today, but then I realized that you probably needed the hours or whatever. So I asked her, and she said you weren’t working on Friday, so I had to see if I could get you a shift then. But I had to switch your shift with James, and apparently James is hot for the girl who works at Starbucks on Friday nights, so he didn’t really want to switch. I kind of had to bribe him,” Bam admitted. “I had to take him and the skanky girl from Starbucks to CKY’s practice yesterday. He thought she’d be easy for him if she got to hang out with the guys. I think she might have blown Chad in the bathroom though, so it sort of backfired, but whatever. A deal’s a deal.”

Ville felt like he could breathe again after that. He figured out where Bam had been and why. He was relieved, though confused.

“What could you possibly have to rearrange the entire book store schedule for,” Ville asked.

“Dude. It’s been a month,” Bam said. 

And Ville got it. Bam wanted to have sex. Bam wanted to have sex with Ville and that made everything worth it. 

The entire ride to Ville’s apartment, Bam didn’t let go of his hand. It was a little awkward, and Bam’s hand was disgustingly sweaty, but Ville wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Even when they walked into the apartment and managed to get on Ville’s couch, neither of them could let go. Getting their clothes off seemed to take forever.

Ville tried to argue that everything they needed was in the bedroom, but Bam just shushed him. 

“We don’t have to go all the way the first time. Shit, Ville. I’m not gonna last two seconds anyway,” Bam protested. 

What they did reminded Ville so much of the night that they spent in Bam’s tree house. Their naked bodies ground against each other awkwardly, but it felt so good. Ville couldn’t keep his hands off Bam’s back, or out of his hair. He wanted to touch everything. 

And when he came, Ville was so disarmed that he didn’t even attempt to cover up the needy sounds he made. Bam just kissed him harder.

“You are so fucking hot,” he said. “I always knew it would be like this.”

There was a lot of protesting, but Ville managed to coax Bam into the shower with him. Ville got hard again but Bam didn’t. And when Bam told him how hot it was that Ville wanted him so bad, Ville wasn’t even ashamed a little bit when he jerked off in front of his boyfriend while they showered together. After that, Bam washed all of him. He kept waiting for more, thinking of course Bam would fuck him, but he didn’t.

For the rest of the night, they curled up next to each other naked as the day they were born. They exchanged sloppy kisses and compliments on their bodies, but Bam never tried anything. 

“You should put on some pants or something. Brendon’s going to be back soon,” Bam reminded him.

It wasn’t until that very moment that Ville realized that Bam planned everything out and Brendon was probably in on it. Just for making him suffer, Ville hoped that they got a come stain on Brendon’s favorite couch cushion.

……

Bam promised Ville that they could start having sex after a month, but for some reason they never seemed to go _‘all the way.’_ Sometimes they’d rub up against each other like the desperate teenagers they were, and sometimes Bam would slip his hand inside Ville’s pants and jerk him off while he whispered filthy things in his ear.

It wasn’t that it wasn’t good, because it was perfect (and it definitely took the edge off,) but sometimes Ville wanted more.

It made it worse that sometimes he would be able to hear the sounds of Spencer and Brendon having sex through the thin wall that separated their bedrooms. 

One night when Bam was busy filming something stupid with Novak, Ville pushed Brendon’s door open. From the threshold he could see Brendon and Spencer half naked, Spencer straddling Brendon’s slim body.

“Stop having sex, seriously,” Ville whined. “I’m not having sex and I’m bored, and frustrated, and you owe it to me to spend time with me,” Ville complained to Brendon.

From across the room, Ville heard Spencer whisper “is he serious” against Brendon’s collar bone. 

Instead of telling Ville to fuck off (like Ville anticipated), Brendon pushed Spencer away with a groan.

“Alright, alright! I’m coming,” he grumbled. Spencer looked completely hurt that he was passed over so easily.

“Spencer, put some pants on. We’re going to play some scrabble, because Ville always wins at scrabble, and it will make him feel better. And right now it is our mission to make Ville feel better. You like Scrabble, right Spencer?”

“I like sex,” Spencer said, but he was obediently stepping into his jeans.

“Yes. We all like sex. But the fact is that we can’t invite Ville to have sex with us, can we?”

A horrified look crossed over Spencer’s face. Ville however, Ville got hard just at the mental image. He was eighteen so he gathered that it was natural, but he felt guilty all the way up until Brendon used the word ‘rimming’ on a triple word score.

……

On one of Brendon’s off nights, Bam came to pick Ville up from the book store. They were about three weeks into their sexual relationship and Ville was starting to get used to Bam’s snail pace. So when he pulled over to an abandoned part of the parking lot and slammed the car in park, Ville didn’t know what to make of it. 

“I’m sorry. I know I’m fucking weird and it’s driving you crazy, but I just…I need you to blow me. I’ll do anything. Give you anything. I just…fuck, I’ve never wanted my cock sucked so bad in my life, and I feel like if you don’t do it in like the next ten seconds, I’m going to die.”

For the first time that night, Bam actually looked at Ville and his face crumbled. He felt guilty, Ville was sure. He obviously didn’t know how eager Ville was.

“Shit. You don’t actually have to do it, it’s just I want it…”

Ville didn’t let Bam rant anymore. He leaned over and unzipped Bam’s jeans and went down on him. It wasn’t the most comfortable angle. The center console dug into his ribs and his head kept knocking against the steering wheel. Every time Bam’s cock even nudged at the back of his throat, Bam’s leg would jerk up and knock his knee into the door. Bam’s car was not designed to have sex in, but Ville made it work.

All through it, Bam kept his fingers in Ville’s hair, sometimes urging him down more, but mostly just stroking lightly. “So good. Feels so fucking good, babe,” he kept whining. And even though Ville’s jaw was sore, and he didn’t think he was giving his best oral presentation, Bam still came in his mouth.

The problem was, he came in Ville’s mouth with absolutely no warning. Ville tried his best to swallow, but in the end it dribbled out of his mouth and spilled onto Bam’s jeans and underwear. Ville felt like a bad boyfriend.

“Sorry. I should have, you know…said.”

Ville just shrugged and wiped at his lips with the back of his hand.

“So, I guess in my moment of weakness I promised you whatever, so. Whatever you want, babe,” Bam said. But he sounded sad about it. 

In his head, Ville thought of at least a thousand things that would fulfill one of his Bam fantasies, but he kept them locked tight in his head.

“Coffee. I want coffee,” Ville said. “Don’t care what they say in porn, come never goes down easy,” he laughed. 

Bam leaned forward and kissed him. When he pulled back, he had a sour look on his face.

“Dude, we can so get you coffee. Something sweet. A salted caramel mocha,” he decided for Ville. 

Ville didn’t argue with him. And if he spent extra time in the shower that night jerking off, Ville figured he earned it. He just hoped that it never got around that he had traded a blow job for a Starbucks coffee.

……

When Ville started high school, there was a gap between his two front teeth that kept him from smiling sometimes. He noticed that the gap started closing gradually over the years, but he never imagined why. When the ache set in his jaw, far worse than that night he blew Bam, Ville didn’t know what to make of it. 

One morning he woke up and he was so sore that he couldn’t even open his mouth. It took Brendon ten seconds on the phone with Ville’s mother to figure out what was wrong with him.

“Your mom says to stop being a pussy. You’re going to have to get your wisdom teeth out, that’s all. She said you should take some Advil and get your ass to school. She’s going to make you an appointment with the dentist.”

“She did not say that,” Ville protested, but he sounded muffled with pain.

“I paraphrased,” Brendon explained.

It was a scheduling nightmare to get his wisdom teeth out. Of course he couldn’t have normal wisdom teeth, they had to be impacted. He had to artfully plan the time so that he wouldn’t miss much school or work. In the end, Ville chose the scenario where he missed two days of school and one work shift instead of two weekend shifts at the bookstore. 

Anita promised that she would take Ville to have them out, but in the end, it was Bam who skipped school to take care of him. 

“Hey. It’s better this way,” Bam said to him on the way to the surgeon’s office. “If your mom were here, she’d let you get all panicked and scared. She’d totally fucking baby you. But because I’m here, you’re going to act big and tough and brave, right?”

Ville glared at Bam.

“Oh come on, babe. I’ve nearly knocked my balls out of my sack, broken both ankles, bruised my tailbone, and one totally fun time, I punctured a lung. You can man up and get your wisdom teeth out,” Bam insisted. 

Ville was too afraid to complain after that.

The whole ordeal wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Ville remembered being put under, and the next thing he knew the nice nurse woke him up. 

“Hey, babe,” Bam said, when they brought him into the recovery room. All Ville could do was groan. He had cotton in his mouth that tasted like blood and antiseptic. He hated every second of it.

“Feeling shitty?” Bam asked.

“Not yet,” Ville mumbled. “Feel like the inside of a pillow. Warm and fluffy, but kind of in an annoying way. I don’t think I like being fluffy,” Ville sighed.

“You are so stoned, babe. Let’s keep you this way.”

After that Bam set him up in front of the TV with painkillers and Snack Pack pudding. He helped him strap frozen vegetables to his head, he got him anything he wanted, hell, he even went into the bathroom with Ville. It was oddly touching… _in a very creepy way._

“You know, I was worried about this, but I can totally handle it. When we get all old and shit and you break your feeble fucking hip, I’m going to rock as your life partner turned nurse.”

Ville gave his boyfriend the finger, but the truth was that he was comforted that Bam talked about something further than the summer. They both knew that Ville was going to college in the fall, but for the most part they tried to avoid that. 

When Brendon came home that night, he brought smoothies and ice cream with him. He seemed almost put out by the fact that Bam had taken care of all of his needs.

“I wish that I was home. I would have taken awesome care of you,” he said to Ville.

Ville nodded and rested his swollen head against Brendon’s chest. “You always have,” he admitted, before the perks put him back to sleep.

……

In the beginning of October, Ville and Brendon sat down at the table on a Saturday night to figure out their money situation. They had already put aside the money for the rent, that was always the first thing they did. But after that, they scattered the rest of their bills across their modest table and tried to figure out what had to be paid, what could wait until next week, and what was going to be shut off at any moment.

It always hurt, even if they were in it together. They split their funds fifty-fifty, even if some weeks Ville took home more than Brendon, and others Brendon took home more than Ville. Generally they were about even, but Ville always had extra spending cash that Bam or his mother would slip him in passing. He always tried to pawn some of it off on Brendon, but Brendon wasn’t interested in taking the handouts that Ville had no choice but to take.

“Okay, this is what I’ve figured out,” Brendon said taking off his glasses to rub at his eyes. “We’ll pay the rent, and the gas bill, and then we’ll wait until next week to pay the electricity. I think we have another week before the lights go out at least,” he decided.

Ville hummed like he agreed with that, but then he found an envelope that hadn’t even been opened yet. It wasn’t addressed to him, but that didn’t mean anything anymore. He quickly scanned the document and sighed.

“What? What is that,” Brendon hissed.

“They’re going to cancel your car insurance if you don’t pay it by Friday,” Ville admitted.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Brendon exclaimed. In a moment of rage, he knocked half of the papers on the floor. Later, he and Ville would have to spend the better part of an hour putting it back in order.

“It’s alright. We’ll pay your car insurance this week, and then next week we’ll squeeze in the gas and electric. If it gets tight, I’ll pawn one of my basses,” Ville said.

Brendon shook his head bitterly. “It’s not your car. It’s not your insurance,” Brendon whispered sadly.

“Yeah, but half the time that you’re out driving, it’s either to drive me somewhere or get me something. I see it as half of my responsibility,” he admitted.

“It’s really not!” Brendon’s voice cracked at the end of the sentence, a tell-tale sign that he was so frustrated that he was about to cry. And Ville…Ville really didn’t want to see him cry again, but he couldn’t just drop it and let Brendon be a martyr. 

“Fine. How do you think I’ll be feeling when I’m walking to school,” Ville countered.

“Bam could pick you up.”

Ville stood up and put his hands on Brendon’s tense shoulders. He squeezed them tight. 

“You get on the phone and call your insurance company, and I’m going to call the gas company to see if we can get on a payment plan or something, alright?”

Brendon’s silence meant that he agreed.

“I still owe your mother forty dollars for the phone bill. Shit,” Brendon whined.

“That’ll keep until next month. Just…just call,” Ville begged.

When he shut the door of his bedroom so he could have quiet to call the gas company, Ville dropped to his knees. He remembered the first day that he picked up the phone to call Brendon and a recorded operator told him that it was not a working number. The fact that Brendon’s parents had taken him off their family plan without telling him was the last nail in Brendon’s familial coffin. Of course Anita and Kari added him to theirs, but the fact was, Brendon felt awkward about it. He always tried to give Anita at least forty dollars ‘for the trouble,’ but the fact was, she didn’t see it as that. Brendon was family. The months where Brendon did manage to come up with enough money to give her something, she usually used that to buy them extra groceries when she stopped by.

A half hour later, when Ville and Brendon met in the living room, they hugged.

“Car insurance is paid,” Brendon informed him.

“We’ll have hot water for a few more weeks,” Ville replied.

“Sounds like heaven,” Brendon whispered against Ville’s shoulder. And if Ville rocked Brendon just a little to the Frank Sinatra song that was playing in the apartment next door, that was no one else’s business but theirs.

……

At the beginning of the year, Ville had written a short story about Brendon for his AP class. Ville sort of remembered the teacher mentioning that he was going to send the best three into a state wide competition, but Ville never assumed his story would be selected in the first place.

Two weeks into October, when his teacher held him after class, Ville had no idea what to expect.

“You won,” he said, and then he handed Ville the envelope.

He had won a thousand dollars. He was supposed to use it on his college education, but the check was plainly made out to Ville. 

There were so many different things that Ville could have done with that money. They could have gotten ahead on the rent, he could have gotten it all made out in quarters so they never had to worry about the laundry. Fuck, he could have just blown it all on frivolous stuff and felt like he was eighteen for at least an hour.

Instead, Ville sat and thought about what the story was about. The assignment was to write about the most important person in your life. Ville had written three drafts. He wrote a story about Mrs. Fallon. It was good, mostly upbeat and hilarious, but with a tragic ending. It was well written and not likely to be repetitive, but at the end of the day, Ville didn’t want to share Mrs. Fallon’s memory with anyone else. His second draft was about his mother and how she had taken him away from his life in Helsinki and given him a new one. But when he read it over it just seemed so cliché. Every boy loved his mother, and maybe Ville loved her a bit too much, but there was nothing special about the story. That’s when he started writing about Brendon, and when he did, he didn’t hold anything back. Every little detail of his life, Ville exploited. Brendon ended up sounding more like Oliver Twist than he should have, but that was sort of the point. Brendon was an orphan, in theory, if not in title. 

Ville knew that Brendon was not going to be happy with him when he made his decision of what to do with the money, but Ville did it regardless. He left the paper on the kitchen table to let him know.

“Did you pay my car insurance for the rest of the year? Where the fuck did you get that kind of money,” Brendon asked. Instead of thankful, he was pissed. It was just what Ville expected.

And then Ville told him what he had done with regret in his voice. He confessed that he had told an entire board of pompous judges just how shitty Brendon’s family was and how he exploited Brendon’s pain to get an A in a class. 

Ville couldn’t figure out why Brendon didn’t care.

“Look, Ville. I don’t care if you tell the entire school that I pissed my pants in the sixth grade when Marcy Singer tried to kiss me. I don’t care if you tell them that I cried when Jesse called me a fag for watching Project Runway. And I really, really don’t care if you tell people that my mother doesn’t love me enough, because that is not my fault!”

Ville nodded his head calmly.

“What I can’t handle is you trying to make every little thing up to me because my mom can’t stand who I am. You’re not my mother, Ville. You’re my best friend.”

Ville grasped Brendon’s wrist just a little too tight. It fit easily in his hand. He was reminded that Brendon was thinner than ever from working too much, eating too much sodium infused foods, and never sleeping.

“Is it so bad that I want to do something nice for you? Shit, Brendon. For a long time, you were the only person who understood me. If I can make one thing in your life easy, I’d do it. I don’t see why you have to make me feel guilty about that.”

Brendon tried to jerk his hand away. “Because I’ve never made anything easier for you, Ville. I complicate everything and I know that. And I wish I wasn’t so selfish, because you should be at home. You should be with your family.”

Ville tugged harder and Brendon ended up half on top of Ville’s lap. “Someday you’re going to figure out that you’re my family. I promise,” Ville said.

They both cried. Ville just a little, but Brendon really sobbed. It was a long time coming, Ville gathered. 

After that, they splurged and ordered a pizza and Brendon made Ville dig out the old story. He read it to Brendon out loud while Brendon ate all the crust that Ville left behind in the box. When Ville got to the part about the family you choose, and how Brendon wasn’t as lost as most people thought he was, Brendon smiled.

“Thank you for paying my car insurance. But just know that someday when I’m rich and disgustingly famous, I’m going to do something for you that you don’t want me to do. Like buy you a castle, or a pet lion or something.”

Ville thought it was the most sincere thank you he had ever received. 

……

Two weeks before Halloween, Ville came up from the laundry room to find Panic! At The Disco in the living room having a band meeting. When Ville walked in, Ryan gave him a sour look. Ryan liked to pretend that everything that went on with the band was top secret. If he assumed that Brendon didn’t tell Ville about every new song, every wardrobe requirement, and everything they did to make it, he was a moron.

Still, Ville didn’t like to make trouble for Brendon, so instead of listening in on the meeting, Ville went into his bedroom to fold the laundry. It had taken a few tries for Ville to get used to folding someone else’s underwear, but he just figured it was easier when one person did all of the laundry. After their second month of living together, Ville figured out how easily it was for clean clothes to get pushed to the side. Now and then, Ville would catch himself wearing Brendon’s underwear because he didn’t have a pair of his own that were clean.

Ville was singing along to a Soft Cell song as he did the towels, after all, he didn’t want Ryan Ross to think he was eavesdropping on his precious meeting. But when the song ended, Ville couldn’t help but hear through the paper thin walls.

“So look. Those two bands who were supposed to drive in from Philly to play the Halloween show at Rex’s bailed or something. So they sort of called me. We’ve got a gig. I’m thinking we should ask CKY to open for us,” Ryan said.

Ville put his ear to the door when he heard that.

“Oh my god, that is just awesome. I wish I could see the look on Jess Margera’s face when you ask him to open instead of headline. Can I be there,” Spencer laughed.

Ville opened the door a crack and saw Brendon looking nervous in the corner of the room.

“Uh, actually guys, I kind of have to work. There’s a thing at the piano bar that night, a masquerade thing. It’s actually kind of cool. When I showed up last weekend, my boss gave me a costume and everything. I get to be that dude from Phantom Of The Opera. I mean, it’s going to be hard as hell to play the piano with little white gloves, but they sort of make the outfit,” Brendon rambled.

“Shit,” Ville mumbled under his breath. He knew what was coming.

“Brendon, can you shut up for just one second,” Ryan begged. “Are you seriously telling me that instead of playing a gig, a possibly paying gig, I might add, you are going to instead play the piano in some lame ass bar wearing a cheap costume?”

“I said I’d work. If I don’t go, I’ll probably get fired,” Brendon explained.

“So fucking quit, you loser! This is important. Fuck, I am so sick of being the only one who takes this band seriously. All you ever do is complain about how you have to work whenever we put something together. It’s like you don’t even want to be a part of this,” Ryan said.

Ville was getting ready to step in. He knew that Brendon would take more shit from Ryan, but he didn’t deserve it. 

“Seriously, like, maybe we don’t need you, Brendon. You’re a great singer and everything, but there are a lot of dudes in West Chester that can carry a tune. I don’t really want to replace you, but you’re sort of giving us no choice. You fuck everything up,” he said.

And that was the point that Ville headed into the living room. He stood still for just a moment, just in case Spencer - or God forbid even Brent - wanted to come to their band mate’s defense. But when they both looked awkward and anywhere other than Ryan or Brendon’s direction, Ville stood up for his best friend.

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Ville hissed at Ryan. Ryan was such an arrogant bastard that he didn’t even acknowledge that Ville was speaking to him. He gave off an aura that Ville wasn’t even worth sharing the same space with. And that…that pissed Ville off even more.

“Look, you’re a good guy and we’re sort of friends, but if you ever talk to Brendon like that in the living room that I pay half the rent on, you’re not going to be walking out the front door. I’ll shove you out the fucking window,” Ville said. Distantly, the thought that maybe he was spending a bit too much time with Bam went through his head. Still, even if the threat was a bit out of character, it didn’t mean that he didn’t stand by what he said.

“You’re always all over him about what he is or isn’t doing for the band. But do you want to know the truth? You like running the entire band. You’re not the front man, but you wish to God you were. The fact is, you don’t have half the talent that Brendon does and you’re jealous. And that’s alright, that’s actually surprisingly human of you. But you know what? Maybe you wrote those songs, and they are great, but without Brendon, you’re just some guy who has some ideas. The honest truth is that Brendon would be better off without you. Everybody knows it; they’re just too much of a pussy to say it to your face. But I will,” Ville said.

Brendon stood up after his rant and said, “Ville, it’s alright. Calm down.” But Ville couldn’t. 

“It’s not alright. _He_ is not alright,” Ville said, pointing at Brendon. “You bitch at him for working all the time, but guess what? Brendon isn’t working too many hours so he can buy a new pair of designer too-fucking-tight jeans to wear to his next gig, he’s doing it so that maybe we can have a loaf of bread to go with our ramen at night. So you can just fuck off with your ‘you’re not taking life seriously,’ babble. Because the only person I see in this room who has a serious life, is Brendon.”

Brendon tried to say something, but Ville cut him off. He grabbed his phone and his apartment keys and started walking with nowhere to go. His face was hot and he kind of thought he was going to throw up or have an asthma attack, but he didn’t. 

He walked three blocks before he called Bam.

“Hey, babe. I was just going to call you. Jess wants to know if you can come over at some point and help him fuck around with the bass line for this song he’s writing. It’s awesome, but he’s not ready to show it to the guys yet.”

Ville lasted three seconds before he cracked. “I just yelled at Ryan Ross in my living room because he’s an arrogant asshole who’s mean to Brendon. And I hate him. And everybody just let him talk to Brendon like that. And seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Spencer that he lets him get away with that? Also, I forgot my jacket and it’s cold out. Can you come get me?”

Bam was there five minutes faster than Ville anticipated that he could get there. They spent the night hanging out with Jess and fucking around. At the end of the night, Ville didn’t even want to go home.

“Seriously, he’s going to be mad. He treats Ryan like he’s the king or something. What the fuck did I do,” Ville asked.

But when they got home, Brendon wasn’t mad. Brendon was sleeping in Ville’s bed amongst the half folded laundry. 

“He could have at least folded it, dude,” Bam said as they looked him over. “Now all your stuff is going to smell like cotton candy and sunshine,” Bam complained.

All Ville did was laugh. Also, it was sort of fun trying to sleep on the couch with Bam. Ville liked the closeness, even if he didn’t like the crick in his back he had the next day.

……

Two days later, Ville was enjoying a quiet afternoon in his apartment alone. Bam was doing community service for a near miss arrest he had earlier in the year and Brendon was using the piano at the community center to work on his jazz band project.

Ville was just about to make a cup of tea when there was a knock on the door. He groaned. The last thing he wanted was company.

And after he opened the door, he realized that the last person’s company he wanted was Spencer Smith’s.

“Brendon’s not here,” was all Ville said.

“I know. I sort of need to talk to you.”

Ville reluctantly let him in. He was just about to offer Spencer a cup of tea when he realized how lame that was. 

“Look, I just…I want you to know that I’m not an asshole, alright?”

“I never said you were an asshole,” Ville said.

“Yeah, but you think I’m one.” Spencer awkwardly scratched at his beard and looked at the wall. “I saw the way you looked at me before you went off on Ryan, like I was the one who should have done it. But you just don’t get it. Ryan is so self-absorbed that he really only means half the shit he says. The only way to deal with him is to let him say his peace, and then reason with him slowly after.”

That sounded like an excuse. That’s exactly what Anita Valo would have said if she were sitting in the room with them. Ville however, was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

“And see, the thing is, when you walk into the room and say shit to Ryan Ross when I can’t, it makes me look like an asshole. You always get to take care of him and I just sit around on the sidelines.”

Ville rolled his eyes. “What did you expect me to do, Spencer? Let him sit there and be a punching bag? Let someone else tell him that he wasn’t good enough? That he wasn’t living up to his potential? Maybe you can do that, but I can’t,” Ville said harshly. 

“You don’t get it. You really don’t get it. Brendon is okay with it, because he gets Ryan, okay? He knew that it would be better later. I would have talked to Ryan. And yeah, Ryan never would have apologized, but he wouldn’t have replaced Brendon. We all know we can’t,” he added.

Ville sat down and let out a harsh breath. “I don’t understand what you expect me to do. Are you trying to tell me to stay out of Brendon’s life? Because that’s not going to happen.”

“No, fuck no. I get that that is never going to happen. He loves you best, or whatever. I’m okay with that most of the time. I won’t say that it doesn’t piss me off, but I live with it. Just…you can’t hold this against me. And you can’t let Brendon hold it against me either.”

Ville smiled a little, though he didn’t exactly know why. “It seems to me that you and I have something in common, Spencer. You’ve been friends with Ryan for so long that you’d do anything for him. You make excuses for him, but more than that, you know how to take care of him. Seems like you’re punishing me for doing the same thing for Brendon.”

“The way Ross and I are is not even close to how co-dependent you and Brendon are.” Spencer blushed right after he said it. It seemed an afterthought that the way he spoke might be offensive.

“I’m not saying you are. All I’m saying is that sometimes we do what we have to do for friends. I hope you won’t hold that against me.”

They talked for a little while longer, about Brendon and Ryan and the band. And even though Spencer couldn’t promise that it would never happen again, he seemed to insinuate that he understood that there was a problem.

When he got up to leave, Ville patted him on the shoulder warmly.

“One more thing,” Spencer said. “I get that he loves you more than me, and most people in my shoes would run for the hills, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take second best, for forever if I have to. Just…get used to me, alright?”

Ville nodded. “If I thought you weren’t strong enough to handle my relationship with Brendon, I wouldn’t waste my time talking to you about it.”

……

CKY ended up playing the headlining show on Halloween. Ville had the night off and Bam badly wanted to see his brother play, but Ville had other plans.

“I’m going to see Brendon play at the piano bar,” he said sadly.

Bam didn’t protest. And when Ville’s parents offered to take him out to dinner so that he could actually watch Brendon play and not have to worry about paying for food for the rest of the week, he was elated.

“Why don’t you invite Bam too,” his mother asked. “It will be fun!”

Ville didn’t want to tell her that his boyfriend had more important things to do.

To say that he was shocked when Bam knocked on his door dressed up like Prince Charming at Mardi Gras was an understatement. Ville didn’t know what to make of it.

“You’re going to miss your brother’s show,” Ville pointed out. 

Bam just leaned up against the doorframe with a smirk. “So? If I have a choice between hanging out with my boyfriend or seeing my brother play a show, which I’ve already seen a thousand times, I’m going to pick my boyfriend. Besides, your mom’s totally paying for dinner. I never say no to free food.”

The piano bar was impossibly tacky. The costumes were bad, the food was nothing to write home about, but Brendon made up for that. His playing was flawless, and even though no one knew that Ville’s family came solely to see the piano player, everybody from the waitress to the table next to them raved about Brendon. 

In the back of his head, Ville kept telling himself to ask Bam to dance. Brendon once complained that no one ever danced to his music, though they had a floor designed for the purpose. Ville was comfortable with his sexuality; he supposed that he was just shy about expressing it. He imagined that if an entire room watched him pull Bam into a dance, he’d trip over his own two feet under the pressure. 

……

Thanksgiving sort of snuck up on everybody. One minute Ville was starting school, the next he noticed that the leaves were changing color and his mother was asking him what kind of side dishes he wanted her to make. 

The real trouble with Ville’s parents started on Thanksgiving. When Brendon fell asleep at the dining room table before he could even stuff himself into the food coma that he was famous for, Anita glared at her son.

“What did we tell you? You promised you two wouldn’t burn yourselves out!”

Ville sighed. On Wednesday, before school let out, Brendon had a history paper due that he nearly forgot about. After working a late shift at the piano bar, he stayed up until four in the morning to finish up. To make matters worse, when the bell rang and Brendon was already musing about a nap, his cellphone rang. A girl at The Smoothie Hut got the stomach flu and his boss asked him to come in for the afternoon. “You should have said no,” Ville had said even then, but Brendon claimed he was getting his seventh wind.

“He had to work, and then he had a paper, and then he had to cover for someone,” Ville spoke firmly. The sharp look his father gave him actually hurt. But before Anita could say something out loud that would hurt even more, Ville straightened his back and spoke firm. “I pulled plenty of all nighters under this roof. Jesse did too. We’re fine. Just…I’d tell you, okay?” Ville said, but even then he didn’t know if it was true.

Anita kept the turkey in the oven a little too long to let Brendon catch a few more minutes of sleep at the table. No one mentioned it was dry, not even Jesse, who tended to blame everything that went wrong on Brendon’s life mishaps.

……

After Thanksgiving, Ville and Brendon sat down and figured out what they reasonably could and couldn’t accomplish for Christmas. The budget was always tight, and buying presents would hurt, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

“Please don’t get me anything,” Ville said on a breath, as they were making lists.

“Dude, you are like the one person I can cross off the list without feeling bad. You’re not getting anything from me,” Brendon said with a smile. “The two of us will have Christmas in July together. Just us. God, do you remember how much better things were in July?”

Ville nodded his head. He remembered the bigger paychecks from longer hours and lower utility bills. Living at his parents’ house, he never knew how expensive it was to keep warm. 

When Ville leaned over to peek at Brendon’s list to make sure his name really wasn’t on there, he couldn’t keep the surprise off his face when he saw that Brendon had listed Mr. and Mrs. Urie. After all they put him through, Brendon still thought they were owed a gift. Ville wasn’t sure that they were. 

……

Ville was so tired that he could barely function. Thankfully he had the night off from the bookstore. He was looking forward to Christmas, not because he loved the holiday, but because a two week break from school seemed like a vacation. He was still going to be working at the bookstore, but it was one less thing for him to juggle.

Ville was literally counting down the days, all twelve of them, until he didn’t have to go to school.

He was so tired that even as he read to Bam, he didn’t comprehend a single word he spoke. He didn’t even realize that he had read the last paragraph three times until Bam took the book out of his hand and threw it at the wall.

“Dude! What is wrong with you? You’re barely alive and you’re trying to read me Death Of A Salesman. Newsflash, I don’t learn when it sounds like directions from Ikea!”

Ville rubbed at his bloodshot eyes. “I’m sorry. I just…I’m sorry.”

Bam shook his head and covered Ville’s body with his own.

“You don’t have to take care of everything, you know? The world’s not going to end.”

But that’s just it, it was, or at least it felt like it would. Bam tried so hard, but he never really understood how hard Ville struggled.

“It might,” Ville said sadly.

“It won’t. Just this once, let me take care of you.” Bam’s voice was so honest and raw that Ville didn’t have anything in him left to fight.

Bam took care of him with sweet kisses that never teased. And he kept going, lower and lower, until Ville felt the familiar snap of the button on his jeans. He took a deep breath, because he was used to that much. He couldn’t even count the amount of times that his cock had been in Bam’s palm anymore.

But instead of feeling rough hands, he was shocked by the scrape of a weak five o’clock shadow along his length. Ville whined.

“Fuck, fuck. Yes. You,” Ville had to stop speaking to swallow. “You should take care of me,” he begged a little.

It was completely different than the night that Ville went down on Bam in a parked car. It was slow, and not exactly teasing, but it was completely drawn out. By the time that Bam actually wrapped his lips around the tip, Ville was pushing him away. “Pants off. Please, pants off,” he begged. He didn’t want denim rubbing up against sensitive places and restricting his movement.

“Shit. If you take your pants off, I’m going to want everything,” Bam whined. He slid up and pushed Ville’s shirt out of the way. He bit at one of his favorite places, that little strip of skin right under Ville’s navel. And Ville broke a little, because he did push Bam away. He shoved him and worked his jeans off. He was a little embarrassed when he spread his legs for it, laying spread eagle and waiting. But Bam just looked at him with something other than amusement. 

“You can have it all if you want. You always could have. I’m telling you, I’m ready. So ready for you.”

Bam shook his head and kissed his way down Ville’s body, leaving little bruises along his hip. For the rest of the week Ville’s jeans would rub up against them and remind Ville of what they did.

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Now’s probably not a great time for a conversation, or whatever, but fuck…”

Ville put his hand on the back of Bam’s head and tried to urge him down. He wanted it so bad that he was shameless for it. He didn’t even care what Bam had to say.

“Christmas. For Christmas, I want you. I want to unwrap you, and open you, and selfishly have you all to myself. A present I’m not going to share,” he said softly. Ville cried out as soon as he figured out what Bam was asking for.

“Y-yeah. Christmas. For Christmas. I…yes,” he babbled.

Bam took pity on him after that. He lowered his head and looked up at Ville from under his lashes the entire time. 

Ville didn’t last very long, there were too many factors working against him. It was the first time that Bam ever blew him, he had teased him with the possibility of sex, and to be honest, Ville really liked the way it felt when Bam held his hips down against the bed. 

After he came, Bam didn’t stop touching him. Rough hands stroked over his thighs, his stomach, his chest, even his neck. It took him forever to come down. He thought he never would.

“Seriously want to open you now, babe. You don’t even know,” Bam whispered.

Ville was so wrung out that all he could do was watch as Bam jerked off over him. Ville still couldn’t figure it out. Sometimes that was Bam’s favorite way of getting off, just watching Ville lie still and sated. Still, even if he didn’t do any work, it always felt like a reward when Bam came on his skin. 

“I seriously can’t wait for Christmas,” Bam said later, when Ville was freshly showered and completely exhausted. All Ville did was nod his head and tuck himself closer to Bam. As crazy as it sounded, it took until that very moment for Ville to get nervous of the idea of sex with Bam. Bam had always held it over his head as something that would happen when they were ready, when it was time. He worried that he wouldn’t be good enough, or experienced enough. 

The worst part was, he couldn’t let go of something that Brendon had said to him so long ago. _“He’s not going to break up with you. He hasn’t even fucked you yet.”_

Without the mystery of actual fucking, Ville didn’t know if he was interesting enough to keep Bam coming back. Because at the end of the day, Ville was just some loser who worked too much and had a complicated relationship with his best friend. He was moody, and high maintenance, and he was college bound. 

That didn’t mean that he didn’t want to stay with Bam forever or give himself over in any way he could. 

Ville just wished that things were easy.

**Chapter Twelve**

On Christmas Eve, Ville and Brendon agreed to stay with Kari and Anita. 

They had decorated their apartment with paper snowflakes and a tiny fake tree. It was nothing like either of them grew up with, but it was enough. It was festive, inviting, and it kept them in the holiday spirit even if their everyday spirits were a little crushed. When Anita saw what they did to the place, she complimented them on their decoration on a budget, but she still insisted that they come home, if only for the night.

They were both tired when they got to The Valo house. After working until six on Christmas Eve taking care of the last minute shoppers, Brendon and Ville could barely keep their eyes open. All night, Ville felt bad for the frantic shoppers. He and Brendon had been done shopping weeks before. Their presents were meager, but they were wrapped and stowed away. Had they waited until last minute, they both knew that the money would have been gone. As it was, Ville was anticipating a check from his grandmother that would feed them for the rest of the week. Then again, they'd probably have Christmas leftovers until well after the New Year.

After the family watched Charlie Brown together, Ville and Brendon curled up on the couch. Kari was drinking eggnog with too much rum, Anita was wrapping the last of the presents, and Jesse had taken off to give his girlfriend some overly expensive trinket that would prove that he was worth dating for a few more weeks. 

"Did you want me to go with you to your parents later," Ville asked.

Brendon stiffened. There was a gift in the back of his van that was meant for Mr. and Mrs. Urie, but Brendon never mentioned how and when he was going to deliver it. He didn't say answer Ville for a long time.

"I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I was thinking about just ringing the doorbell and running. Is that stupid?"

Ville wanted to say that if he were Brendon, he wouldn't have wasted the money or thought on two people who threw him away, but he also knew that Brendon's brain was much more complicated than his own.

"You should probably see them, Brendon. At least show them that you're stronger than them. That you're not going anywhere, even if they don't have open arms."

Brendon just stared at the television blankly. "I don't want them to feel bad on Christmas. And my brothers and sisters are probably there. It's just…it wouldn't be a good idea."

It only took two glasses of Kari's eggnog to convince Brendon that it was the perfect time to see his parents. He wasn't drunk, not really. But he was loose, eager and so happy. As Ville and Brendon walked down the street they both used to live on, they smiled. 

Ville was the one who knocked on the door. Brendon claimed that it was because he was holding the present, but Ville had other ideas. Brendon had probably never knocked on the door before. It would have been alien to do so.

Mrs. Urie was cheerful when she opened the door, as if expecting carolers. She didn't exactly frown when she saw Brendon, but she looked like she didn't know what to do. She probably never anticipated that he'd come back.

"Brendon," she said formally.

"Merry Christmas, mom."

"Yes. Merry Christmas. Would…did you want to come in?"

The look on Brendon's face said yes, but he shook his head instead. "No. I don't…I don't want to interrupt. I just wanted to bring this over." He took a step forward to put the present on the foyer floor and Mrs. Urie looked like she was going to block him from coming in. It hurt Ville just watching. 

"Merry Christmas, Brendon. We all hope you come home soon. It's not the same without you," she said with an actual smile. If it wouldn't have hurt Brendon so much, Ville would have spit in her face. 

A young girl ran up behind Brendon's mother. Ville’s heart clenched when she shrieked, "Uncle Brendon," in a deafening shriek.

She was probably about five. It was obvious that she had no idea that her Uncle had been exiled by the family. Ville wondered if Brendon’s brothers and sisters knew what was happening. They had always doted on Brendon when they visited. Ville couldn’t imagine them shunning Brendon as easily as Mrs. and Mr. Urie had.

"We should go," Brendon said quickly. It was so obvious to Ville that he was saying it so that Mrs. Urie didn't say it first.

"Well, Merry Christmas, Brendon. Wish your family a Merry Christmas from us as well, Ville."

They both nodded before they stepped off the porch. Ville was so deeply hurt over the fact that Brendon's mother didn't hug him that he couldn’t even comprehend how Brendon must have felt.

"That went better than I thought," Brendon said on the walk home. And because Ville didn't want to upset him, he just slipped his gloved hand around Brendon's bright red mitten. 

……

Christmas morning came too soon, Ville thought. He enjoyed Christmas as much as the next person, but the idea of waking up early when he didn't have anything to do seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. In fact, the only reason that Ville surfaced out of his bed was the fact that Anita had threatened them with no coffee if they didn’t get up to celebrate.

Brendon looked nervous sitting on the couch on Christmas morning. He had always spent a good chunk of Christmas with Ville and his family, but never the early part. He kept looking at Jesse, as if waiting for him to tell him to leave.

Presents were exchanged, and even if they weren't all that special, Ville's parents and even Jesse loved them.

Brendon and Ville though, they were embarrassed. They both got clothes, pots and pans, kitchen utensils, gift cards, but on top of that they were spoiled like teenagers too. They got a few X-box games that they didn't have time to play, even if they did still have the console. Ville's mother still didn't know that they pawned the X-box two months ago when Brendon needed new tires on the van to pass state safety inspection. They got goofy action figures that they would slip on nearly empty shelves in their apartment, DVDs that they would wear out because they didn't have cable, and so much candy that they would surely fall into a sugar shock.

When it was over and the room was littered with paper, Kari went to make breakfast while Ville and Brendon tried to clean up. Jesse was already sleeping again, mostly because he was the worst brother ever.

"Your parents got me too much stuff," Brendon said shakily, adjusting his glasses on his nose.

"No, I don't think they did. You're family now, remember?"

Brendon didn't say anything to that, but Anita chose that moment to come up behind Brendon and pull him into a hug. 

"My husband is singing badly in the kitchen while making chocolate chip pancakes. He is good at some things, terrible at others."

Before she even admitted what she wanted, she was pushing Brendon to the corner of the living room where the piano was.

"Play and sing. Both of you. Drown him out for me, please? It is Christmas!"

Ville sat down on the piano bench with Brendon. He couldn't play well enough to accompany him on anything other than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or Mary Had A Little Lamb, but he could sing with him. All through it, Ville kept his hand on the small of Brendon's back. Ville's old piano teacher did that to teach Ville posture, but Ville did it to show Brendon that he belonged there.

……

It took them so many trips to get everything up to their apartment that Ville's back and thighs were aching from the lifting and the stretching. They were so exhausted that anything that didn't have to go in the refrigerator was left on the floor in a pile. 

"I can't wait until Christmas is over," Brendon groaned.

But Ville itched and ached all over knowing that he had one more gift to give. Spencer was in Chicago visiting his grandmother, so they had done Christmas a few days earlier. Ville though, Ville still had to see Bam. 

"I'm going to go take a shower," he said in anticipation. Brendon knew exactly why too. Ville had never been very good at keeping secrets, so he folded when Brendon asked him what he was going to get Bam for Christmas.

"I'm going to go put headphones on and go to sleep," Brendon said, barely suppressing a chuckle. "Break a leg, Ville!"

When Ville was clean, breathing easy, and wearing his most comfortable pajamas, he called Bam to tell him that he was home. After that he remade his bed twice trying to make things perfect. He had a small present for Bam that wasn't his body and he left that on his nightstand in its ugly snowman printed bag.

When Bam got to the apartment, he didn't even say hello. He just kissed, and kissed, and kissed. Ville really couldn't breathe. He was pretty much shaking with anxiety and need. 

"Merry Christmas," Bam said finally, tucking Ville's still wet hair behind his ears. That was always Ville's weakness. There was something so sweet about the act that Ville's skin tingled after.

"Merry Christmas," he agreed.

"You made your bed for me," Bam acknowledged as he set Ville's gift down. Ville nodded. "I didn't forget," he added, just in case Bam thought he wanted to back out.

"We'll get to that. Present first! Open it!"

"I got you something too," Ville said, as he awkwardly handed the bag over. "It's nothing…I mean, just…you deserve more. Sorry."

"It'll be perfect, quit being so nervous. It's Christmas!"

But Ville did have something to be nervous about. He opened a box to see a brand new computer, never taken out of the box, and a book about how to publish your novel DIY style. He didn't say anything for a long time. He knew that the box set of South Park was not enough, especially when he used his employee discount to buy it.

"I can't accept this," Ville said. He felt lonely, raw, and for the first time, really poor.

"You'll take it and you'll like it, Ville. Just dedicate your first book to me, or some shit. Alright?"

Ville didn't say anything; he just wrapped his arms around himself and stared down at what Bam bought him. A second later, he felt a second set of arms around his stomach.

"Besides, I think I'm getting a better present anyway," Bam said, mouthing at the nape of Ville's neck.

Ville felt inferior, so fucking inferior that he couldn't stop himself. "Why, it's not like I'm a virgin or anything. Did you think I was?"

The fact that Bam froze behind him told Ville that he thought he was. "Did you fuck around on me," Bam gasped, sounding hurt.

"Before you," Ville admitted sadly, turning around to face Bam.

Bam just kind of looked him over for a minute, and all the while, he never stopped touching Ville's face. At first Ville thought that Bam was going to be disappointed that he waited so long for nothing, but there was something soft about the way he stared at Ville.

"That was different. That was just fucking around, you know? This is going to be us," Bam said. And Ville couldn't stop himself from letting Bam take the lead. So slowly, Bam slipped his hand under the hem of his shirt and started stroking over Ville's ribs. "It's different because I don't just want to fuck you, I love you too. And I don't want you to say it back right now, because I didn't say it to hear it. I just want you to know. Know that I did something right for the first time in my life because I love you."

After that, Ville didn't think about anything other than the moment. He wasn't worried that Bam was going to fuck and run, he didn't worry that he was going to be bad and bed, and he especially didn't worry that it was going to be awkward after.

Just like Bam said weeks ago, he took his time. He seemed to take forever to undress Ville and prep him. He felt unwrapped, and so open, and so fucking good that he was pretty sure that he was going to climax before it was polite. But the thing was, Ville was an eighteen year old boy being loved by a man for the first time. Also, Bam still had all of his clothes on, and that was so achingly hot like a porn video that Ville flushed every time he felt the fabric of Bam's jeans brush up against his skin. 

"I'm going to make sure you love this. I promise," Bam said.

"Already do. Jesus, so good," Ville panted with his legs spread. Every other time he had sex, the preparation was always awkward. A means to an end, he thought. With Bam, he learned a little bit more about intimacy, which was funny, because no one would ever have believed that Brandon Margera was a careful and loving young man. 

When Bam finally undressed and reached for a condom on the nightstand, Ville wrapped his hand around Bam's wrist. "You, you don't have to," Ville stammered with a blush. Bam gave him a questioning look. "It's just, I heard that it feels better without, or whatever. And if this is your present, you should have the best. Have me the best way possible," he stammered on. "I trust you."

Bam groaned like it hurt, like he wanted that so much, but he shook his head. "Maybe someday, babe, but not today. This isn't my first time either and I wasn't always very smart about who I fucked around with. I just, I trust you too, but I don't trust anybody else that I've been with."

Ville closed his eyes in shame. He was embarrassed that he suggested something so reckless, and worse, that the reckless person in the relationship didn't go along with it. It killed Ville that he ruined one of the best moments of their relationships so far. But before he could get too down about it, he felt lips against his temple. 

"Shh," Bam soothed. "It was so fucking hot, Ville. It will be one day. Just, we can't. But don't get all embarrassed and shit. This is…fuck, this is going to be amazing."

And even if Bam did fumble a little when he slid the condom down his cock, Ville thought he was right. It was going to be amazing.

After an awkward conversation, Bam all but begged Ville to pick the position. Ville went for the one that he had never tried before. With his other hook ups, he always insisted on something where he had control. He either faced his partner, or was assertive enough to ride them. With Bam, Ville didn't have any illusions about having or needing control. Instead of using words, he crawled into position. He liked to think that he made a pretty picture with his pale back and tight ass. And when Bam groaned, "so fucking beautiful," and pressed up against him, Ville knew he chose just right. They were so close in that position. Ville couldn't see Bam's face, but he didn't' need to. He could find out everything he needed to know by the breath on his neck and the hands on his body. Truth be told, it felt good to give up control.

Bam fucked him slow, but hard. Ville was glad that he wasn't a virgin. It was never rough, and it never hurt, but after waiting so long there was an urgency that never would have been met with slow and sweet. The room filled with animalistic grunts from Bam, a pathetic keening sound from Ville, and that lovely sound of skin sliding and slapping against skin. Distantly, Ville hoped that Brendon did have on headphones.

"Shit, Ville. So tight. Wanted to last forever, all night, but I…"

And at that moment, Ville felt possessive hands grip tight onto his hips and Bam jerked into him hard enough to make him clench his jaw. The thought that Bam fucked like he always imagined him to made Ville's cock stain his freshly washed sheets with pre-come. 

"Don't hold back," Ville hissed as he fisted his hands in the sheets. "This is the first time, not the last. Just…just feel good. Feel it, Bam. Feel me," Ville begged.

And that's when Bam's hand snaked around to the front of Ville's body and took hold of his cock. He stroked it an embarrassing three times before Ville shuddered and came. Ville was so out of it after that he didn't know how much longer Bam lasted. He was only half aware when Bam cleaned them up and settled them so Ville was lying on top of him sweaty and panting. 

"Best present ever," Bam declared, slipping a finger back into Ville's used hole. It felt impossibly dirty at the time. There was no way that Ville was going to be ready for round two anytime soon, and still Bam wanted to play with his body. 

"Mmmm, Merry Christmas," Ville mumbled. 

……

About a week after they came back from Christmas break, Ville started to notice the whispers and the glances. Dating Bam was old news, and to his knowledge Jesse hadn't gotten himself arrested, so he couldn't figure out exactly what people were so interested about. 

He kept meaning to ask someone, but the simple fact was he had bigger problems than awkward stares and a few chuckles. The day before, Ville had received a notice that they were going to shut the gas off at his apartment. That would be fine, he thought distantly, until he realized that the gas ran the heat and it seemed colder in West Chester than it ever had in Finland. It was so cold that Ville and Brendon were late for school once because the car refused to start in the icy temperature. 

Ville was staring into space when he should have been eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was trying to figure out a way to come up with two hundred and twelve dollars for the back gas bill without having to take off his clothes or sell an organ. 

After a potato chip hit him in the forehead, Ville got back with the program. "Leave him alone," Ville heard Brendon ask pleadingly.

"Why? He barely noticed," Ryan said in a catty voice. "Ever since he started fucking Bam Margera, he's been like an Alzheimer's patient. He ends up staring into space, and when he does talk, he answers a question I asked him two hours ago. It's fucking weird!"

Ville sighed and left the lunch room. He was used to Ryan's rants by that point, but the fact was, he hated that he couldn't explain to them why Ville was spaced out. It was true, Bam did fuck the sense right out of him sometimes, but mostly he was just stressed out about whether Brendon was going to get a hot shower the next day or if they were going to have enough money to buy the uniforms for their next jazz performance. Ville didn't even think it was strange that Ryan knew that he and Bam were fucking. He figured that Brendon had told him. If only it were that easy. 

The same afternoon that Ryan was an asshole in the cafeteria, Ville was surprised at work by his brother Jesse visiting. The only time Ville ever saw Jesse at the mall was if he was shopping with his girlfriend, or if Ville was desperate for a ride home. Immediately when he saw his brother, he was uncomfortable.

"We should probably talk. Can you take a break?"

Ville didn't trust his voice, so he nodded at him. And ten minutes later, Ville met his brother in the food court. He almost cried when he realized his brother bought him coffee. Ville hadn't been able to afford Starbucks coffee in a long time, since he always felt a bit weird about accepting or asking for free coffee from Spencer Smith, even if Spencer Smith was perfectly okay with eating every last morsel of food in Brendon and Ville's apartment.

"Are you okay," was the only thing that Jesse asked. It caused Ville's eyes to practically pop out of his head. Jesse had seen him when he came home from the hospital with bruised ribs and a broken head. Even then, he didn't ask Ville if he was alright, he only asked who caused the damage.

"I'm fine," Ville said cautiously. The only thing he could think of was that his mother had sent her oldest son to see if Ville was eating on a regular basis. And even though he wanted to scream for help, he wouldn't, because he knew that Brendon wouldn't like it.

"You know, I told him. I told him before any of this ever started not to fuck around with you, Ville. He always brushed me off like the arrogant little fuck that he is, and I…I guess I let him. I don't know why, and maybe that's why this happened," Jesse said.

Ville was more confused than ever.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ville finally said.

Jesse looked at him carefully, like he thought that Ville was lying to him. But Ville never lied well and Jesse knew that. Eventually he realized that Ville really was in the dark.

"You know what? I think that's the worst part. I could…I could kill him."

Ville was literally shaking in his seat as he watched Jesse take the last sip of his coffee. By the face he made, it looked like he burned his tongue.

"I probably shouldn't be the one telling you this, because I'm your fucking brother, but you should probably check out your boyfriend's latest videos."

"Wh-what?” 

Jesse left after that. Ville's first instinct was to text Bam and ask him about it, but he realized that probably wasn't the best idea. He didn't want to give him time to hide evidence, should there have been evidence to be found.

Instead, Ville worked the remaining three hours of his shift thinking of every little thing that Bam could have recorded. He really didn't think that Bam would ever post a sex tape of the two of them, but he wasn't positive.

……

By the time Brendon swung by to pick him up from work, Ville was practically shaking.

 

"What's wrong," Brendon asked immediately. 

Ville told him everything. He told Brendon about the weird stares at school, the creepy whispers, and how he was so tired that it was easy to ignore it until Jesse came to see him at work.

"And the worst part is that I don't even know how bad it is. It could be anything. I really can't believe that he’d do something awful to me, but Jesse has me completely freaked out. He made it seem like the end of the world," Ville whined. He was so close to tears that he was embarrassed, even if he had cried in front of Brendon so many times before.

"It's not as bad as you think," Brendon said a little ashamed. And when Ville looked like he was about to say something, Brendon interrupted him with a high pitched voice. "I'm sorry! I thought you knew about it. I just…trust me. You should see it for yourself. Then you can be mad at me forever, I promise."

It was the quickest ride back to the apartment ever. Usually after a long day of work, the short trek to their apartment seemed like it took forever. That day, Ville wanted to ask Brendon to drive around the block a few more times before he had to face the music.

Part of Ville wanted to watch it alone, but when Brendon sat real close to him on the couch, Ville didn't have the heart to tell him to leave. It sickened him all the more when Ville was about to pull up the video on a lap top that Bam had bought him just a few weeks ago.

"It's this one," Brendon said, pointing at the list of Bam's videos on Youtube. The title didn't look too alarming. In fact, Ville couldn't tell what it could possibly have to do with him. "Novak puking up a gold fish," it said. Ville had already been disgusted by that stunt by one of Bam's other crazy friends. 

When Brendon's hand covered Ville's, he wanted to bat it away, but he figured he might just need it.

It started just like all of Bam's videos. It had a weird music intro, a shaky camera, and Bam's face introducing the clip.

"Hey assholes, I'm Bam Margera. I'm about to show you how Novak gives birth to a goldfish. It's going to be amazing!"

The boys were hovered around a tall glass of water chanting 'chug' as Novak drank the fish. Ville closed his eyes for that part.

After that, Ville listened as Novak stuck his fingers down his throat and tried to puke. Nothing was coming out though.

"Dude, I think I'm finally broke. I can't puke on command anymore," he said. His eyes looked bloodshot and watery. There was a long string of bile hanging from his chin that made Ville nauseous just looking at it. 

"I think I'm going to have to help here," Bam said, coming back into view.

"You're not sticking your hand into my mouth, are you," Novak asked in a horrified tone, which honestly was just funny, because Novak had stuck some pretty disgusting things in his mouth for Bam's benefit before.

"Nah. I'm just going to tell you about some stuff that's been in my mouth lately. Mostly come. Not nearly as great as they say in porn. I can’t even really explain to you. I mean, we've all accidentally taken a little bit of a hit before, so we know the general bitterness. But taking a whole load is different, but kind of awesome," Bam said with a smile. “Ville looks totally hot when I swallow for him. Just sort of fucked out, and weirdly, like he’s proud of me or some shit.”

"Gross," Novak said, but he burped after and looked just a little paler than usual.

"That's not all I've been eating though. Dude, did you know if you put your mouth on a dude's ass, he goes easy for anything? I mean, I didn't even want to go there at first, but the more the internet told me it was a good idea, the more that I wanted to try it. And dude, Ville is such a slut when you start tonguing his ass. Like, I could probably do anything to him that I wanted as long as I rimmed him first."

Novak puked a little after that, but not the fish. "Fuck," Ville said. It was bad enough that Bam was talking about sex in general, but of course he said Ville's name. And worse, he made Ville sound like a slut and a pervert in the same breath. 

"Hey, did you know that Ville is uncircumcised," Bam said cheerily. "I mean, at first I was a little weirded out, because dude, what do I even do with that? But after the third time or so, it was so fucking awesome. Like, the dude practically comes before he comes, you know? His shit just leaks constantly, even if I’m just looking at him or something. You have no idea how hot that is. And they say that it’s bullshit on the internet, but I swear he comes harder than any other guy. You should see him come sometime, I swear, you’ll never touch another pussy ever again."

Novak threw up again, but Ville's life wasn't easy. It wasn't the fish. He squeezed Brendon's hand hard when he realized that the things he liked to do with Bam made another boy physically ill.

"Jesus, Novak. Just puke up the fish already," Ville heard Jess Margera call out in the background. It was obvious that he wasn't amused.

"Alright, alright. Come on, Novak." Bam got behind Novak and started rubbing his back like he was going to be soothing, but Ville was familiar with that stroking. A second later, Bam came up behind him. Their bodies so close everywhere. Ville knew that Bam's cock would be pressed tight up against Novak's ass.

"This is Ville's favorite position, you know. It’s fucking hot, because I sort of get to use him like a whore, but his face is so close. I bite his ear and hold his hands down, and he tells me he loves it." Ville gasped in horror when he saw Bam mock humping his best friend. "Knock it off," Jess called out, but at that moment, Novak puked loud and the fish came out. The rest of the crowd cheered and Bam got up with one last pat to Novak's shoulder.

After that, the video was cut. It showed a still pale Novak holding a glass containing a fish. Bam was smiling with his arm around Novak's shoulder.

"Mission was a success. What are you going to name your new best friend, dirt bag?"

Novak held the glass up triumphantly and his whining voice went straight through Ville. "In honor of you and your boyfriend, I think I'm going to name this little guy foreskin. Dude, that shit was just gross. I can't even make stuff like that up," he said.

After that, the boys waved. A song from CKY's demo started playing. Ville groaned when he heard his own bass playing as the lame credits rolled.

"See," Brendon said, squeezing Ville's hand. "I mean, it could have been a lot worse. It's not like he posted a video of you two doing those things, it's just…insinuated. And like, I'm sorry, but I really thought you knew. You usually watch his videos, and like, I did think that it was a little weird that you were okay with Bam talking about that stuff when you don't even give me details like that, but whatever. I just…I'm sorry. I thought you knew," Brendon said. He was bracing himself like Ville was going to hit him. Brendon wasn't the one that Ville wanted to hit; he wasn't even on the list of people he wanted to hit.

……

Ville avoided Bam and all his phone calls for days after Brendon showed him the video. It wasn't the adult thing to do, but he couldn't face his boyfriend after that. What was worse was Bam kept leaving sweet messages and texts about how he missed his boyfriend. Ville would have smashed his phone into a thousand pieces if he could have afforded another one.

Ville checked the video every day, first to see if Bam had figured out why he wasn't talking to him, second to check the hit count. It saddened him to find out that Novak and the fish had a higher hit count than most of Bam's other videos, even though it had been up for a much shorter time. He shuddered when he thought of dirty old men jerking off to the words expressed in the video. 

And just because Ville's life was perfect, Bam cornered Ville on one of the worst days of his life. He had finally managed to scrounge together enough money to pay for the gas bill, only to figure out that the electric had been automatically debited out of his account due to them being on a payment plan. He was a hundred and three dollars short and he felt like he was right back where he started. That morning, Ville and Brendon had taken their first cold showers. And that night, they would be going back to an apartment with no heat. 

"Hey stranger," Ville heard, before he felt Bam's lips on his. He didn't even think before he shoved Bam away as hard as he could. People around them giggled and whispered.

"Dude, what the fuck," Bam said, cautiously coming closer to Ville. He was smart enough not to kiss him that time, Ville thought.

"The fact that you don't know why I'm upset is the really funny part, Bam. Jesus, people always say that you're stupid. I never thought you were stupid before, but now…"

And for that second, Ville hated himself. Bam had hurt him so bad, and it pettily felt good to hurt Bam, but he shouldn't have picked the one thing that Bam was so insecure of.

"Babe, what the fuck is going on? Do we have to have this conversation here? This is like a fucking high school movie. There are honestly people circled around us to hear what we're going to say," he hissed.

Ville just shrugged his shoulders. "I think you've already said enough about our relationship for the both of us, Bam." Ville slid by Bam and turned around only when he got to the start of the crowd. "By the way, I'd stay away from Jesse if I were you. He's not very amused. I'm less so, but punching you in the face wouldn't make me feel any better. You deserve something worse than that," he said honestly. Ville tried not to look like he was going to cry, but he knew he did.

Bam left him alone for the rest of the day, either by design, or because Ville's methods of avoidance were getting so much better. 

During his lunch period, Ville sent a text to his brother. It said _'I need a ride back to the house after school. Pick me up around back @ 2:30.'_

Ville got outside at 2:25 and Jesse was already there. 

"You alright," Jesse asked him again. Ville's answer was, "Not even close."

His mother wasn't home when Ville got to the house, but that was alright. Ville spent his time wisely taking a hot shower and watching stupid cable, something he hadn't exactly missed, but was nice to indulge in.

When Anita walked into the door and saw her son, her smile stretched straight across her face. It seemed phony to Ville, and that's when he knew that Jesse had told his mother what was posted on the internet.

"Just tell me you didn't watch it," he asked. She looked uncomfortable, but sat next to Ville on the couch. 

"I would never," she said. "That should be private. And…no mother should know that much about their son," she added. Ville let his first whimper escape and Anita let her son put his head in her lap. He cried, not loud and not for long, but she rubbed his back while he got over it.

"My poor boy. Always so sensitive. It's a good thing. You're a good boy, but it's too easy to hurt you. You should have come home when you first found out. You know I'm always here for you."

Ville let out a deep breath and sat up. He wiped at his eyes even if he wasn't ashamed of his tears.

"That's…that's not even why I'm here," Ville said. He let out a sad chuckle, and because of his earlier crying, it sounded wet.

"I need to borrow some money, mama. You said I could always ask, and I hate to ask, but there's no heat and Brendon took a cold shower and looked so sick after. And Brendon can't get sick. We can't get sick. It's so cold. And we were doing so…"

She cut Ville off, and automatically grabbed his hand. "What do you need, anything you need," she said.

She didn't even make Ville make a phone call. She got on the phone, paid the gas bill up to date, which is more than Ville would have ever been able to do, and made sure that the heat would be turned back on. When Anita told him the approximate time it would take, Ville smiled a little. It would be back on before Brendon got home from work.

"Thanks, mama," he said, getting up to leave. He could catch the six thirty bus if he hurried.

"Don't. Don't go yet," she begged. "Have dinner with me first. I'll drive you home later."

 

Ville had an almost nice meal. To be honest, it was just nice to spend time with his mother without Jesse as a distraction and Brendon needing her love too. It was silly, and Ville was probably much too old for it, but being unconditionally loved by his mother seemed like it would be the only thing that fixed him.

 

Part of him didn't want to go back to his apartment, even if it did have heat.

 

Later, when he did make it home, Brendon looked up at him sadly. "How did you get the heat back on," he asked.

 

"It doesn't matter," Ville said, curling up next to Brendon on the couch. Even if his mother had coddled him all evening, it felt almost as good to have Brendon do the same thing.

 

"We'll pay her back," Brendon said distantly, as he put on The Wizard Of Oz for Ville.

 

……

 

Two days after Ville had pushed Bam in front of the school and begged his mother for money on the same day, Bam came back.

 

Ville had been doing the laundry in the basement. He always enjoyed doing it, it gave him time to get to know his older and stranger neighbors, and it gave him time away from Brendon and all his energy. But as Ville was bringing up the last load, he saw Bam sitting on the floor next to his door, casually twirling his keys around his index finger. He had a black eye, but Ville was only mildly curious in how he got it. When he saw Ville, he didn't even bother standing up.

 

"Brendon wouldn't let me come in," is all he said.

 

"What makes you think I'm going to let you in," Ville asked, digging his own keys out of his pocket.

 

"I didn't think you would. I just, thought you might want your key back at least," he said, twirling them around his finger again. The idea that he could have let himself in the whole time sort of warmed Ville's heart in a sick way, but then he reminded himself of what Novak sounded like when he purged himself of a fish. 

 

"You can mail it to me," Ville hissed, then opened the door with his hip. Bam rushed to his feet and put his foot in the door so Ville couldn't shut it. He slammed it, tried his hardest, but all Bam did was give him a pained look.

 

"Just…let me talk to you. Five minutes. Five minutes is all I need."

 

And because Ville was a pussy, or maybe still in love with his asshole boyfriend, he didn't put the chain in the door, he just walked toward his bedroom. Brendon was sitting on the couch looking tiny with his Physics book. He mouthed 'I'm sorry,' to Ville, but Ville didn't say anything. He couldn't when he could hear Bam's footsteps behind him.

 

When he got to his bedroom, Ville didn't even give Bam the pleasure of facing him. Instead, he started folding the laundry. Ville's time was always precious and he wasn't going to waste it crying in front of Bam Margera, even if he wanted to. Still, something petty in him wanted to make Bam jealous. He started out folding Brendon's underwear. That always made Bam freak out, knowing just how close their relationship was, and just how impossible it was to touch it. 

 

"First, I just want to say that it's gone. Not just like, off the site, but I deleted it completely. So just for your peace of mind or whatever, it's gone."

 

Ville nodded, but he didn't turn around.

 

"And I'm sorry, you know. That I posted it. Fuck, that I did it, alright? I just…I didn't get it. I didn't get that it would hurt you, and now that I do, I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. And I also get that you want me to feel like that, and that I should. But just…I love you, and you won't even look at me, and it's my fault, and I have no idea what to do."

 

Ville kept folding despite all his desires to scream, and throw things, and hug Bam, and throw him out. He wanted to do so many things that choosing one, or all, seemed unwise and impossible.

 

"And you were right the other day. I am so fucking stupid. I am so fucking stupid that it took your brother, your fucking crazy brother, punching me in the middle of the skate part to realize that I did something wrong. The shit he said, Ville. You don't even want to know. Like, he wanted to kill me. He probably would have if Jess didn't pull him off of me. And right now, with the way you're not looking at me, I kind of wished he had."

 

That was cheap, Ville thought, as he tossed Brendon's Transformers underwear down a little harder than necessary. They weren't folded perfectly anymore and that irritated Ville. It didn't stop him though; he had to be a machine. He picked up the next pair and folded with his eyes closed. 

 

"I'm going now. I just came to give you your key and tell you that it was gone, and that no one will ever see it again. I needed to let you know that I know that I was wrong, or whatever. And I'll always be so fucking wrong about you. I tried to do right by you and I didn't. And that will hurt forever, if that helps or whatever."

 

Ville heard the clinking of metal on his dresser and knew Bam left his key. It wasn't until Bam opened his bedroom door that Ville spoke.

 

"You used me to make another boy physically sick, Bam. You told him personal things, things that made me nervous even telling you, and you took them to make your best friend throw up. How did you think that was going to make me feel?"

 

"Ville," Bam started, and he could hear Bam coming closer, but he didn't turn around to face him.

 

"After years of Jesse telling me that I made him sick, you fucking proved him right. What I am will always make somebody sick, and it’s fine knowing that it's just a distant closed minded person, but it's different when you know they're so close to home. I…I don't feel safe anymore and you're the one who did that. Everything in my life sucks. The heat goes out, I don't eat some days, and on top of that, I know that I make people I thought were friends and family sick. And you highlighted that. And I hate it. I hate you," Ville said. His voice cracked when he said it. 

 

"I'm sorry," Bam said, and it hurt that he was so close that Ville could feel his breath against the back of his neck. "I'm so sorry," he said again. 

 

Ville felt strong arms wrap around his chest, and more than anything he wanted to be held, but Bam was the last person who deserved the job. He took one second, took a deep breath in and out and remembered the way it felt to be close to Bam. And then, with a surprisingly calm voice he said, "Get the fuck out of my apartment, Bam."

 

Bam lingered for just a moment too, perhaps doing the same thing Ville did. He fisted his hands in Ville’s shirt and pressed his nose against Ville’s neck before he walked out like he was told to. 

 

After that, Ville crawled onto the bed of half folded laundry and cried. He thought that it was strange that he cried so often, and that perhaps that was what his problem was. No one in the world should have cried as often as he did. Brendon gave him some space; let him have a whole five seconds of wallowing before he crawled into the bed with him. Brendon cried too, though Ville didn't know why. And even hours later, when Spencer came over, Brendon didn't leave him. He got on the other side of the bed and sandwiched Ville in a little cocoon of comfort. Ville fell asleep just like that, and even if Spencer was gone when he woke up, Brendon was still there snoring against his shoulder blade.

 

…….

 

Two weeks after Ville broke up with Bam; Brandon Novak walked into Ville's journalism class and sat next to him. Ville was writing up a review of the school play that he didn't see because he had to work that night. Still, he had asked around and figured that he had an accurate description of costumes and key scenes. He didn't really care if it made it into the school paper, and to be honest, he didn’t want it to. What he wanted was a grade. 

 

 _"You!_ You're not in this class. You shouldn't be here," Mrs. Shafer called to Novak. Ville rolled his eyes when he heard the screeching voice say, "this will only take a minute, lady. Jesus. It's not like you're lecturing or anything."

 

"I'm calling the office," she said, but that didn't seem to deter Novak. He just continued sitting next to Ville as he typed at a computer. Ville, to his credit, didn't even turn to face him. It was partly because he didn't want to get in trouble for encouraging him, but mostly because there was nothing that Novak would ever have anything to say that Ville needed to hear.

 

"How's it going, Valo?"

 

"Fine," Ville hissed, knowing that Novak would ask until he got an answer.

 

"Good. That's good. At least one of you is," he said, but Ville ignored that statement. He knew it was supposed to cut him, he just didn't let it.

 

"He gets that he fucked up. Shit, I think all of West Chester thinks he fucked up. But what I want to know is if you're ever going to forgive him, because I think he's going to wait for the rest of his life for you to find your balls and call him, but I keep telling him that's not going to happen."

 

Ville kept typing and nothing made sense. He started transcribing the second act of Hamlet from what he could remember to keep himself from looking interested in anything Novak had to say. 

 

"Also, I just wanted to say that the fact that you like having another dude licking your ass isn’t all that bad. It's the idea of him licking your ass that made me sick, okay? The dude is like my brother. So like, don't flatter yourself thinking I care who you're fucking and how. And don't think that I'm sitting my ass in this room because I care what happens to you or your pathetic 'almost' relationship, because I think it's shitty to begin with. He could do a lot better than you. And I'm not saying that because I think he should be dipping his dick into pussy, I'm saying that because you are too fucking smart and serious for someone as fun and cool as Bam."

 

Ville closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head to come up with something to say, but by the time he got to eight, the principal walked into the room.

 

"Brandon Novak," he boomed. Novak just held up his hand. "I'll be done in a second, man. It's not like he's taking a test or nothing. It's a conversation," he yelled. The entire room was looking at Ville.

 

"Either cut him loose or let him lick your ass again, dude. He fucked up, but you're just wrong for letting him hang in the middle. Your brother already kicked his ass, he paid his due."

 

After that the principal put his hand on Brandon's shoulder and lead him out of the room. For the rest of the day Ville worried more about whether or not the principal heard the comment about 'ass licking' than he did about Bam's emotional discomfort.

 

……

 

At the end of February, Panic had another show at Rex's. This time Ville didn't have any problems getting the night off and he was excited to have something to do where he didn't have to work, read, or think about Bam.

 

Things had been tighter around the house. Without the income that he received tutoring Bam, Ville was more prone to keeping and using the money that Anita would leave on the kitchen counter when they weren't home. He never told Brendon he was accepting it, because Brendon worked too hard to know that they weren't really living on their own.

 

Around the third song, someone stood next to Ville while he was singing along with Brendon in the crowd. At first he tensed, thinking it was Bam trying to get close to him again, but he sort of smiled to himself when he realized it was an attractive young man. He was older than Ville, probably in college he assumed. And he smelled so fucking good when the room smelled like sweat and spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon. 

 

He was about to introduce himself between songs, but then Ryan took the microphone.

 

"This one goes out to our good friend Ville. We wrote it for you. It's called I Write Sins Not Tragedies!" he said. Ville's back stiffened, but he looked up to the stage. Spencer hesitated before counting them in and Brendon looked everywhere but at him. 

 

"Shit," Ville said, knowing that the song was probably going to hurt. 

 

"You are such an asshole, Ross," Spencer said as he counted them in. Ville could tell that Brendon missed his first cue to start singing. Brent stopped playing bass completely, and finally when Ryan gave Brendon a cruel look, Brendon took a step forward. He snapped his fingers until he found his place. 

 

_"'What a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore.' I chime in with 'haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?' No? It's much better to handle these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality."_

 

Ville heard every word. Brendon looked like he was in pain through the whole thing. Ville looked in agony when he realized that the crowd loved it.

 

He slipped out of the bar when he realized that his night wasn't going to get any better. The hot guy that was standing next to Ville at the show followed him out, but before Ville could tell him that now wasn’t a good time, Jesse came up beside him. "Fuck off," he yelled at the stranger and put his arm around Ville's shoulder.

 

"Why are you being so nice to me? I thought I made you sick," Ville hissed.

 

"You're my brother, Ville. You're supposed to make me sick. And I'm your brother, and I'm the only one who is supposed to make you miserable. I don't like seeing other people doing it," he added.

 

He went wordlessly with Jesse, and when he passed him a joint in his car, Ville took it. They passed it back and forth until it was gone. 

 

"Right. Let's go get fucked up enough to make daddy proud," he said.

 

Ville, to his credit, sent Brendon a text that said he didn't need a ride and that he wasn't mad. He knew that Brendon would still bite his nails until his fingers bled until they talked it over, but right now he had priorities. And those priorities were getting drunk with his older brother and possibly throwing up, preferably in a clean bathroom.

 

When they arrived at Jess Margera's house Ville nearly screamed, but then Jesse said, "He’s staying at Novak's tonight.”

 

Even if Jess Margera wasn't really Ville's friend, Ville felt good drinking his booze and sitting on his futon. He felt just fine eating his pretzels and knocking back the rest of his whiskey. And at the end of the night, when he was sure he was going to be really sick, Ville was delighted to share Jess' last joint with Jess' pretty girlfriend on the back porch to settle his stomach.

 

"You're such a nice boy," the girl said as she exhaled the smoke. "Bam really is an idiot," she added, as Ville inhaled. Ville was too drunk and possibly high to point out that Bam was in fact an idiot.

 

The next morning he woke up sleeping in Jess Margera's bed between Jess and his girlfriend. He took a moment to catalog the situation, and when he realized that they were all wearing their clothes, he figured nothing too bad could have happened.

 

"I'm going to throw up," Ville declared.

 

"He called dibs first," Jesse muttered, sounding equally in pain. "He always calls dibs first. If I was less lazy, I would punch him for that," Jesse declared.

 

……

 

Brendon offered to never play I Write Sins ever again, but Ville shook his head.

 

"It's a good song. People liked it," he said with a fake smile.

 

"But you're my favorite person in the world and you don't like it."

 

"I liked it. I just don't like Ryan." Ville muttered.

 

"Don't worry. Nobody likes Ryan. He got what was coming to him anyway," Brendon said with a smile. 

 

The next time Ville saw Ryan, he noticed that he had a black eye and his nose seemed to veer a little to the left. He couldn't imagine Brendon or Spencer punching Brendon. Jesse must have done it, he gathered. Jesse loved punching people. 

 

……

 

A few weeks after Brendon’s show, Ville's mother called his cell phone from the hospital line. She rarely called from work because Ville admitted that it made him think something was wrong. So when he saw the familiar numbers, he knew he was right to be scared.

 

"Sweetheart, are you at home?"

 

"Yes," he said breathlessly.

 

"You should probably get here. It's…it's not an emergency, but…"

 

Ville had to wake Brendon up on his only day off to get a ride to the hospital.

 

"What's going on," he asked, as he drove with no shoes and no shirt.

 

"I don't know yet," he admitted. 

 

He was not prepared for what he saw when his mother lead him to a recovery room. He remembered once that his mother did the same thing for him when Brendon was in there. Why did he always end up in the hospital when things went really wrong, he thought, as he stared at Bam in his bed.

 

"He was really drunk when it happened. And it was dark. He jumped off a roof holding an umbrella. I guess he was supposed to land in a pool, but he botched the landing. I don't think that would be very funny even if he did land in a pool," she said sadly.

 

Ville nodded along, because most of the things that Bam did were scary rather than funny. 

 

"His friend brought in the footage to show the doctor. And…well, you should probably talk to his family," she said. She pointed toward Novak who was sitting uneasily in the corner next to April, Phil, and Jess Margera. 

 

"Shit," Ville hissed, knowing that he would have to face April after all that time. She was always so sweet and constantly said what a good influence Ville was on her son. Funny how things had gone wrong when he wasn’t around. He doubted that it was a coincidence.

 

"Hi," Ville said awkwardly, not knowing why he was there at all. It wasn't like he was still Bam's boyfriend or anything.

 

"You should see this," Novak said, trying to hand Ville the camera. Ville couldn't bring himself to lift his hand.

 

"Oh baby, don't watch that," April said trying to get up. Whatever feeling she had about the breakup, Ville knew that the video had to be bad. Ville obviously had something to with it. 

 

"I'm going to go get some coffee," Jess said, and before Ville could protest, Jess was pushing him down the hall to the cafeteria.

 

"Novak's an idiot. You probably shouldn't watch the video," Jess said. 

 

"Why did my mother call me here," he asked.

 

Jesse leaned against the wall and let out a deep breath. It was obvious that he didn't really want to share the story as much as he didn't want Ville to watch the video.

 

"He talked about you right before he jumped. We all told him it was stupid. I didn't hear most of it until I watched the footage, because I was running up to drag his ass back inside. But he…shit, Ville. He said if he couldn't have you back, he should at least be able to fly. And if he couldn't have you or fly, then he shouldn't have to live. And then he jumped."

 

Ville's eyes burned so bad that he had to close them.

 

"I know. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to hear it. But if I don't tell you, Novak will. And if Novak doesn't, Bam'll probably post the goddamn thing and you'll see it eventually."

 

Ville nodded his head along with Jess, all the while never opening his eyes.

 

"I don't know if he was suicidal or just drunk, but they're probably going to commit him for a while. At least for an evaluation or something. And it's like, I can't believe it. Bam is the happiest kid I know and we're going to have to send him to a place where they don't let you have shoe laces, because you'll try to do something dangerous with them. And the really shitty part is, maybe he needs that, and I didn't even pick up on it, because I was so busy being pissed off at him for what he did to you."

 

Ville cautiously opened his eyes, and Jess' eyes were rimmed red too.

 

"Just, we were hoping you could come here. At least say goodbye to him before they make him do tests or whatever, to see if he's crazy. You don't owe that to him, but maybe you owe that to me and the rest of the family. We…"

 

And Ville got it. They were family, with or without Bam. They were Jesse's family too. It would be the decent thing to do, even if he didn't still have feelings for Bam.

 

"Don't worry. I'll…I'll talk to him," Ville said. Because even if he was a crazy asshole, Ville wasn't sure he wanted to say goodbye to him. As cliché as it sounded, Bam's stunt scared Ville into realizing that he was still in love with him. It reminded him that sometimes Bam forgot about consequences and the laws of physics. 

 

The doctor didn't let Ville see Bam that day, but he came around Monday after school. For the first time in his life, he called in sick to work. He'd miss the pay, but he figured that Bam deserved his time more than Ville deserved money.

 

"Hey," Ville said, walking into the room.

 

Bam had a broken ankle and a fairly serious head injury, but other than the bumps and bruises and the raised ankle, he looked like he always did. 

 

Bam kept blinking when he saw Ville, like he couldn't believe his eyes.

 

"Head injuries are the best," he heard Bam whisper. 

 

"No. I'm actually here," Ville said. When he sat down in the chair next to Bam's bed, he took his hand. It just seemed like something that you do when you visit someone in the hospital. Ville had to take a breath when he realized he hadn't stepped foot in a hospital since he had seen Mrs. Fallon. That realization hurt almost as much as the fact that he might likely be the cause of Bam's hospital stay.

 

"Why are you here now? Not like, I don't want you to go or nothing," Bam said. "I just…why?"

 

"My mom said you were here. I hope she's taking good care of you."

 

Ville tried his best to smile, but his heart was breaking a little. Bam took one look at Ville and turned his head away.

 

"Shit. Novak showed you the video, didn't he," Bam groaned.

 

"No," Ville said. Bam looked back at him hopeful, but Ville's face was never good at covering anything up. "Jess might have given me the summary though."

 

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, you know?"

 

"I know," Ville said, but he didn't quite believe it. 

 

"No, seriously. Like, if I killed myself, you'd hate it. And you already hate me enough as it is. I never want you to hate me more than you already do. So like, that makes sense, right? Because I have a head injury and things are pretty fucking confusing, but I think I got that one right."

 

"I don't hate you," was all Ville could say.

 

"That's one of the last things you said to me, you know? Actually 'get the fuck out of my apartment' was, but the 'I hate you,' part is what I usually what I get stuck on when I think about that day."

 

"I'm sorry that I said that. I don't hate you. I just…hate what you did."

 

"Yeah. I hate it too." Bam tried to roll over closer to Ville, but there were too many wires and tubes holding him in place. "I kind of hate myself too," he added, "but that doesn't mean I tried to kill myself."

 

"Okay," was all Ville could think of to say.

 

They sat in silence for a half hour with just Ville holding his hand. A nurse came in to mention that visiting hours were over and Bam squeezed Ville's hand so hard it hurt.

 

"Shit. I just…I thought this would have gone better. If you ever talked to me again, I had shit to say, you know? Good shit. But I didn't think I'd be in a hospital when I had to say it. And I didn't think you'd be looking at me like I'm pathetic."

 

Ville tried a half smile, but he was starting to cry a little.

 

"You're…you're never going to be able to fly, Bam," is what Ville eventually settled on saying. Bam sounded disappointed by those words. "But maybe when you get home…maybe you could call. I just, this isn't because I feel guilty. This is because you should probably be dead right now, but you're not. And if you were dead, I wouldn't want to get out of bed. So just…you should call. Flying is probably overrated anyway."

 

Bam half smiled, but then he closed his eyes. 

 

"You'd still miss Brendon more though, wouldn't' you? Like it if it was Brendon, you'd miss him more."

 

If Brendon died, Ville wouldn't have been able to wake up. He was sure that there was something hardwired in their brains at that point that made it impossible to live without each other. Still, he couldn't say that to Bam.

 

"This isn't about Brendon. This is about you and me."

 

And then Ville got up to leave. Bam wouldn't let go, so he leaned in and left a long kiss on Bam's sweaty forehead. Bam whimpered and tried to tilt his head up for a real kiss, but Ville wasn't ready for that.

 

"Just call. And…don't do anything stupid or crazy like that again. And…fuck, just…call me."

 

"I'll call you until you answer this time," Bam promised.

 

When he got home, Brendon was waiting for him. He had an apple pie and vanilla ice cream. It didn't make him actually feel better, but he appreciated the thought.

**Chapter Thirteen**

Everybody at school had heard about Bam's _'accident,'_ but thankfully Novak was somewhat of a good friend, because he never mentioned that Bam started talking poetically about flying and his ex-boyfriend before he took the jump. 

People assumed he was just recovering and that's why he missed so much school. The truth was that the hospital made him go to a private clinic under a mandatory seventy-two hour hold. He swore up and down that he wasn't trying to commit suicide, and apparently they believed him, because they didn't insist he stay for a thirty day program. Ville heard all of this straight from Jess Margera, who would call Ville late at night and update him on Bam’s status.

Whenever Ville's phone rang, Brendon would stop whatever he was doing (which was sometimes Spencer Smith) and sit behind Ville. During those phone calls, Ville didn’t speak. He nervously bit his fingernails to the point of discomfort, a habit he had rid himself years ago. In the end, Brendon started holding his hand so he didn’t do any more damage. After the line was disconnected, Ville would give Brendon the basics of the conversation.

"Bam doesn't like the lime Jello at the facility." 

"Bam's coming home in two days." 

"Bam really misses wearing sneakers, because he doesn't like when people look at his feet in flip flops." 

"Bam says he wants to call me, but he can't make outgoing phone calls or receive them." 

"Bam's coming home tomorrow. Jess says I should come by, but April thinks we should wait until he's feeling better." 

Sure, Brendon got the basics from Ville, but he never revealed that Jess’ updates had an underlining tone of ‘this could be so much worse.’ And even though he would never say it out loud, and certainly no one else would have, he had the lingering belief that somehow what happened to Bam was his fault.

In the end, Bam was home for a whole twenty minutes before Ville's phone rang. 

"I said I'd call," was his greeting. 

"You called," Ville said with a smile. 

"And you answered, so now I'm not going to stop." 

…… 

Things weren't automatically easy. Ville and Bam weren't dating straight out of the hospital. 

Their friendship was difficult, because while Ville really did love spending quality time with Bam, there was something in him that would always want to touch him, kiss him, and love him. It was nearly impossible to ignore that. 

But with over a week of school missed, it was hard for Bam to catch up or even follow along. So Bam and Ville stayed up late and Ville read, checked his homework, and grudgingly gave him the answers when it was clear that it was going to take him too long to do it himself. 

"I can't wait until graduation," Bam said at the end of the night, every night. Sometimes Ville felt like that too, but the truth was, he didn't know what his life would be like without high school. College was exciting, but at the end of the day, he wondered what would happen to Brendon when he had to move out of the apartment and into the dorm. 

…… 

Ville didn't always hate his job, but most of the time he did. He hated the pre-teen girls who came in to pay for a deluxe edition of Twilight that they already owned, because the new one boasted that it had better glossy pictures of Robert Pattinson. He hated the fact that little old ladies would complain that he didn't give them a senior discount when he didn't put it right through, and the next time they came in, they were furious that Ville thought they were that old. More than that, he hated that his boss assumed that Ville would work any shift at all, simply because he needed the money. 

When Brendon ran into the bookstore bouncing on his heels, Ville's manager rolled his eyes. "No socializing on my time, Ville. Tell him to buy something or go back to work!" 

"Whatever," Ville said grumpily, losing his patience. 

"What was that?" 

"I said whatever you like," he lied, this time he said it without the condescension. 

"That's more like it." 

"Ville! Ville! Jess Margera built a recording studio in his dad's shed and he's totally going to let us use it! We're going to record a demo. Like, seriously. Seriously record. And then I'm going to be famous, and I'll be able to buy a milkshake whenever I want to, and I won't have to like worry that we won't be able to buy shampoo the next week! Isn't that rad?" 

It was. Ville wanted to be really excited about it for Brendon, but he couldn't when his manager was probably watching him on the surveillance cameras. 

"Brendon, you have to leave. My manager. I'm sorry. But it's awesome," he added. 

Brendon looked straight at the video camera above Ville's head and frowned. 

"Your manager is such an asshole. You work totally hard, you never dick around, and I don't care what he says, I don't scare customers away. I am nice, Ville. People are excited to see me!" 

But after that, he left. Ville let out a sigh of relief. 

…… 

On Saint Patrick's Day, Panic! At The Disco got another gig opening for CKY. Spring break was so close that Ville could taste it, so he didn't even feel remotely guilty when he requested the night off. 

The band hadn't started recording yet, but Jess Margera was excited to run the board and Brendon was summonsed to practice more than every by the dictator Ryan Ross. He was tired all the time, but whenever Brendon got the chance, he babbled to Ville about how he really had a shot at making it. How they all did. 

Ville's back and knees hurt from loading most of the equipment while Ryan Ross stood around pretending that he was a big shot. Every time he thought about telling them all to fuck off, he tried to imagine Brendon doing it all by himself. It just wouldn't have happened. 

"Great. No, that's really great. I have a ton of ideas and we've already got a website. We'll be ready soon. I'm not an amateur, you know," Ville heard Ryan say to Jess. He was such an asshole, Ville thought for the thousandth time. 

After he hugged Brendon too tight for luck, with just a slight glare from Spencer, Ville walked to the back of the bar to watch. He was tired, he was sweaty, and he was probably the only person in the world who didn't have to fight for Brendon's attention. 

Before they went on, Bam slid up next to Ville. "Ape let me out tonight for the first time," he said. 

Ville smiled warmly. It felt like instinct to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight, but he held back. 

"Yeah, she still sort of has me on a tight leash after what happened, but she said I'd have enough babysitters. Jess is here, Jesse's here somewhere I think, and well, you're here." 

"I'm here," Ville agreed. 

After that, Bam was smart enough not to distract Ville. He let him watch Brendon with that same amazed glance that he always had whenever Brendon did something extraordinary. Sometimes that happened when Brendon was playing music, sometimes that happened when Brendon helped a lost kid find her mom at the mall, and sometimes it was when he was just sleeping. Brendon did amazing things. 

"We're Panic! At The Disco and we are totally going to rock your world," Brendon said. Any other time, people would have mocked him for being a nerd, but people cheered for him. 

The show went really well and Brendon was on. He was confident, he had too much energy, and at one point, he literally made out with Spencer on stage. It's impossibly hot. Ville couldn't believe that he was watching some unsigned band in a nowhere town. 

But then, the mood in the room changed. People started asking for the 'whore' song in chant form. Unfortunately, Ville was all too familiar with that song. 

Reluctantly, Ryan leaned forward. "This song is called I Write Sins Not Tragedies." 

"Ryan got his ass kicked over it," Brent said. It was the first time that Brent ever addressed a crowd. In fact, up until that point, Ville wasn't quite sure he spoke. 

Just before the song started, Bam leaned in to whisper into Ville's ear. "I'm gonna go get some air." 

Not wanting to hear the song either, Ville followed Bam out front. They bummed a cigarette off of the bouncer and leaned against the building to smoke it. Ville could still hear the echo of the song that broke his heart, but at least he couldn't pick out the words. 

"I rearranged Ross' face the first night they played this song," Bam admitted. Ville looked him in shock. He had always assumed that Jesse had been the one to work him over. 

"I just, I heard him say your name and I fucking lost it. I don't even know why. Like, I get that what I did was shitty, but if someone was going to get their name dragged through the mud in song form, it should have been me." 

Ville didn't agree or disagree with him; he just grabbed Bam's hand and held it loosely. 

"And like, I was watching you from across the room with Jess for the whole show. And I was already pissed off, because this guy had been checking you out all night finally got the balls to walk up to you. And I really wanted to fuck him up. Because even if you weren't mine anymore, I kind of wanted you to be alone for a while. I know that sounds shitty or whatever, but it's true." 

Bam took another long drag and then handed Ville the cigarette. He tugged on Bam's hand to have him stand a little closer. It was March, but it was still cold as fuck. They used body heat to stay warm. 

"Anyway, so I'm seeing red anyway because of this college frat boy eyeing your ass, and then Ryan pulls that fucking stunt. So when you started walking out, I told Jess to take care of you and that I was going to take care of Ryan. I spent the night in jail, but it was totally worth it. Lucky for me, your friend wasn't stupid enough to press charges." 

The story hit Ville in the gut. He remembered the night that Jess and Jesse got him wasted and cheered him up. The fact that Bam told them to do it, it was sort of comforting. He wished that he'd known all that before Bam jumped off a roof with an umbrella. 

"He's not really my friend," Ville insisted, dropping the cigarette. Bam stepped on it to extinguish the flame before Ville could. 

"Good. Because he's a dick and you deserve better." 

After the song finished, Ville pulled Bam back into the bar. It seemed too hot after their time outside. Brendon smiled at him when he spotted him. 

"Alright, we're going to play one more song for you." 

And at that moment, Brent knocked over two beer cups that were balanced on an amp. Some of it landed on the floor, but most of it landed on Ryan's guitar case. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Brent," Ryan yelled. The whole building probably could have heard it without the microphone, but with it, it echoed through everybody's skull. "Seriously, you can't do anything right. When Brendon Urie is less of a fucking spazz than you, you have problems. And at least Brendon is useful." 

Ville had his hands balled into fists. He was a split second away from jumping onstage to do some face rearranging of his own, but Brent stood up for himself. He unplugged his bass, unhooked the strap, and then he gave Ryan Ross the finger. 

"I fucking quit," he yelled. 

Ryan ran after him, but Brendon and Spencer were frozen on the stage, probably in shock, Ville thought. 

"Alright then...I think we already gave you your money's worth of entertainment tonight, but I did promise one more song. We've got a drummer and a guitarist left," he said, hopping to pick up Ryan's abandoned guitar. "Anybody got a White Stripes request," he joked. 

Somebody took the bait and Spencer and Brendon fumbled through Fell In Love With A Girl before they called it a night. 

Ryan and Brent were still missing after the show and Ville realized that his moral support wasn't needed. What was going on was band business, not Ville's. 

"I'll give him a lift home," Bam offered. 

Ville was sort of delighted by the idea. And when Spencer asked, "Is that such a good idea," oddly defensive of Ville, Ville kind of liked it. 

"He'll be fine," Brendon said. They started looking in coffee shops and dark alleys for the other half of their band while Bam drove toward Ville's apartment. 

"Does it make me sound like an asshole if I say I hope that somebody puts that on Youtube?" 

Ville just laughed at Bam's comment for too long. It was his long hiccupping laugh that he was always self-conscious about, but what Bam said was disgustingly funny. Just the word Youtube should have picked a fight between them, but somehow some of the tension wore off. 

Bam slept on the couch that night, and even though Ville walked out at least three dozen times to check on him and watch him, he didn't make a move. The problem was, while he watched Bam snore, he realized that he was going to have to make the first move eventually. Bam had started everything and caused the ending. Bam would never risk spooking Ville by going too fast. 

It reminded Ville of something that Novak had said to him what felt like years ago. He either had to push him away or take him back. And with those two choices, he realized that he did want Bam back. 

…… 

Brent wasn't kidding when he said he was quitting the band. It was incredibly uncomfortable whenever they had jazz band. Ryan would glare daggers at the old bassist, but to be honest, Ville really didn't blame him. He was so glad that he never took Brendon up on the invitation. He couldn't imagine what his life would have been like living under Ryan's microscope. 

"We've been auditioning bassists. Not all of them are terrible, but some of them are really bad. And the ones that don't suck, well, Ryan just finds shit wrong with them. It's like, totally depressing. We're supposed to start recording. I feel like…I feel like it's never going to happen now," Brendon admitted. 

It made Ville feel terrible. He always thought that by the time that he left for college, Brendon would have a record deal. The fact that he wouldn't, that made it seem like Ville was abandoning his best friend in the world. He started to help, first just by hanging up flyers for the auditions, but then posting them online on local forums. It was more organized when he got in the mix, but the expectations grew. 

"That's the spirit, Valo," Ryan said. "We're not looking for a replacement bassist; we're looking for the best!" 

Ville grit his teeth and told Brendon that he was going to smother Ryan in his sleep someday. Brendon didn't even bother telling him to play nice for once. 

It was about a week later when Ville walked into his apartment and found Spencer, Ryan, and Brendon sitting on the couch. In the middle of the coffee table there was a chocolate cream pie, Ville's favorite, directly next to a Starbucks cup. 

"Ville, come in here!" 

Ville was nervous. Either Brendon had ruined another load of laundry with bleach and didn't want to tell him about it alone, or somebody was dead and they wanted Ville to have a tasty dessert to deal with it. 

Knowing Brendon as well as he did, he took a sip of the coffee and tucked into the pie before he even started talking. He wanted to enjoy it for a second before everything started to taste like sand. 

"So like, remember when you recorded the demo for CKY because the guy broke his arm? We were thinking that you could maybe do that again. Because like, I think we need the demo to get the bassist, you know? We need something to prove the guys who don't suck that we are awesome. And I would take you in a heartbeat, Ville. I would ask and beg you all over again to be in our band, but you won't do it, will you?" 

Ville shook his head and shoved more pie in his face. It already tasted like sand, ash, and misery, but he needed the calories to keep him alert enough to not fall into a trap. 

"What about the other part." Spencer's voice was so soft that Ville barely heard it. He looked up and saw a tired expression on his face. When he looked to the other side, Ryan was sitting with his arms crossed over his chest and his lips in a tight line. It looked as if they ordered him not to speak. "You know, just the recording part. It would really help." 

Ville didn't know why, but he eventually said yes. And when he did, Brendon crawled into his lap flailing and hugging him. There was too much movement and friction, Ville could feel his cock getting hard in his jeans. Eventually he shoved his best friend. 

"I'll do it. But if he talks to me like I'm Brent even once, I swear to god," Ville started. 

"Ryan has learned that he has to give respect to get respect," Spencer said. 

"He also realized he has to shut his face to keep a bassist," Brendon laughed. 

…… 

Scheduling recording time was a nightmare. Between school, Ville's job, Brendon's job, and Jess Margera's job, there was a very little window. They decided that the best course of the action was to work very late at night. The neighbors would be pissed, but Ryan didn't care about that. 

When Ville walked into the shed with his bass, Jess smiled at him. "The life of a studio musician, Ville. This could be your calling." 

The thought made Ville smile. When he thought about it, it seemed like the perfect job for him. If he didn't make it as a writer, maybe it could be his plan B.

Ryan was shockingly very nice to him. Part of it was probably because Ville played better than Brent, but the other half was because he knew that Ville was doing him a favor. 

And when they started to lay down I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Ryan had the decency to turn toward Ville. "I'm sorry about that night, you know? I shouldn't have said that." 

"You shouldn't have written it either, but here I am picking out the bass line, huh?" 

Maybe it was silly, but Ville wasn't letting him off the hook so easy. 

The entire week they were exhausted. Brendon and Spencer were hopeful that something good would come out of it, but Ville just wanted it to be over. He was sick of looking up at Bam's window and seeing the light on and knowing that he was up there. He hated that he couldn't just knock on the door and walk in anymore. 

…… 

On the last day of recording, Ville slipped out of the shed before he heard the final product. He wasn't actually in the band, so his input wasn't really necessary. Instead, he let himself into The Margera house and opened Bam's door. It was around one in the morning, but Bam wasn't asleep yet. He was lying flat on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He didn't even look up when he heard someone come in. 

Ville didn't say anything either. He casually slipped off his shirt and jeans and then slipped under the blanket with Bam. Bam made room for him, and just like always, their bodies fit together. Bam sighed when Ville rested his head on that spot he liked, right near Bam's collar bone. 

"I always slept better with you," Ville admitted, curling up closer to Bam. 

"Feels like I haven't slept since the last time. Seriously. Like, I get twitchy. And I can't stop thinking long enough to relax and sleep. I wake up and I'm talking to you sometimes. I’m usually begging you to give me another shot." 

"You don't have to beg," Ville said. 

Under the blanket, they linked their fingers together and started regulating their breathing. When Bam breathed in, Ville breathed out. It was the perfect soundtrack to sleep to. 

…… 

At the end of April, Ville got the worst cold known to man. He suffered through work even though people looked reluctant to touch the change he made for them. At school he was asked by more than one teacher if he would like to visit the nurse's office, but he always declined. Other than a mercy killing, there was nothing that the nurse could do for him that he hadn’t already tried himself. He probably infected half of West Chester, but some poor bastard had given it to Ville, so he didn't feel too bad about being part of the vicious cycle. 

Brendon avoided Ville, literally like the plague, and walked around with Lysol wipes. For the most part, Ville stayed in his room sleeping and listening to music. He thought wistfully about his mom’s house and how he had a TV in his bedroom. Ville didn't even have cable in the living room of their apartment. 

So when Bam walked in with hot soup and a cold popsicle, he was a bit more excited about the company than he was about the food. 

"You look like shit," Bam said, putting his hand on Ville's forehead. 

"I'm not a mom, so I don't know if you have a fever or not, but you feel hot." 

"You always thought I was hot," Ville said playfully. "Even when I had a gap in my teeth, and I hid behind my hair, and I had really bad skin, you still thought I was hot." 

"Well yeah," was Bam's answer. 

Ville was so taken back by that, that he leaned up onto his elbows and kissed Bam. He didn't dare part his lips for a lingering kiss, because he couldn't taste food, but he could taste the death in his own mouth. 

Bam looked shocked, happy, confused, and torn all at the same time. When Ville fell back to the bed he watched as Bam kept touching his lips, as if questioning if it had happened or not. 

"I don't care if I do get the plague. That was the best thing ever," Bam said. 

"Better than Christmas," Ville asked. He tried to purr, to make it sound like he was flirting, but it just sounded like he was trying to clear his throat. 

"Nothing will ever be better than Christmas." 

After that, Bam made Ville eat the soup and take a bath. It was the first day he had the energy to jerk off since he had been infected. He hoped that Bam could hear the water splashing as he worked himself over. 

…… 

Even though Ville started sleeping with Bam again, they didn't actually sleep together. 

There were a few times when Ville came in his pants during a heavy make out session, but Ville was always quick on the trigger. Sometimes all Bam had to do was make a certain sound and Ville would be on the edge. 

The problem was that neither of them wanted to initiate sex, though they already knew that they were more than compatible in that respect. It took one night of Brendon screaming obscenities while the headboard knocked against the wall for them to open up a conversation about the subject.

"I know you hate it when I talk about how close your relationship is with Brendon, but seriously, isn't it a little weird that there's only one foot of drywall separating his bed from yours? It's like you sleep together every night, even if you don't." 

It was funny, unless Brendon was having sex, Ville never really noticed that their beds were so close. He just blushed when Bam pointed it out. 

"It's kind of hot that you can hear everything. Do you think that they used to hear us?" Bam asked. 

And then Ville bit his bottom lip and spread his legs in a way that was more than inviting. "Maybe we should let them hear us now." 

"Are you…fuck, I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but are you sure? Like, really sure? Because I can't fuck this up again." 

Ville nodded his head and put his hand on Bam's belt. 

"I'm sure. You should fuck me. I want you to fuck me," he added. It sounded absolutely filthy coming from Ville’s mouth. Before, even when they did impossibly dirty things, there was always something sweet about it. Ville was actually a little scared that Bam would turn him down. 

Bam didn’t leave Ville hanging, but in the end, Bam couldn't do it. He put his hand over Ville's and shook his head. 

"No. I'll jerk you off or whatever, but…I don't think we're ready." 

The fact that Ville just nodded his head proved that Bam was right. 

Still, Ville made sure he was loud as possible. He panted, he moaned, he hissed Bam's name, and he announced it to the whole building when he came. 

"You're such a show off," Bam said, kissing the corner of Ville's mouth as he wiped his hand on the bedspread. 

"I couldn't help myself. Now let me do you. It'll be fun." 

The next morning, Spencer looked embarrassed when Ville walked out of his bedroom in his underwear. "What," Ville asked. 

"Nothing," he said, turning his eyes to the paper. Ville looked to Brendon for an explanation, but his face was beet red. "He might have stopped fucking me so we could listen to the two of you get off last night. He feels guilty about it, but it was seriously dirty. You make hot noises," Brendon assured. 

"Brendon," Spencer hissed, clearly horrified that Brendon had told the truth. 

"What? I told you I tell him everything. Did you want me to wait until you weren't in the room?" 

"Preferably yes," Spencer groaned. "Next time, definitely." 

"Seriously hot, Ville," Brendon repeated. Ville just sipped his coffee and looked smug. 

…… 

Graduation was getting closer, but that also meant that finals were getting closer. Ville was writing more than he had in his entire life. 

For his writing workshop, the entire class had to write a paper as if they were giving a commencement speech at graduation. Ville thought that was absolute bullshit. He couldn't imagine saying anything positive about high school, at least nothing that an administrator would find positive. He had started over a half a dozen times, but it was due at the end of the week, so he left work early to finish it up. 

When he walked into his apartment, he froze when he saw a stranger in his living room. 

"Hi," Ville said, awkwardly checking the number on their apartment door. It was the right number, the dishes in the sink were from Ville's breakfast, and the brown couch in the living room was so ugly that it could only have been Ville and Brendon's.

"Hey," the guy said. He seemed too easy going, maybe a little stoned, and he didn't look the least inclined to tell Ville who he was or what he was doing there. 

Finally, Ville introduced himself, hoping that would inspire him to give him some information. 

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jon Walker,” was all Ville got out of him.

After that, Ville took a breath. "Brendon," he bellowed, looking through the apartment. 

"Yeah, uh. Actually, Brendon, Ryan and Spencer went down to the laundry room real quick. They said they'd be right back." 

Brendon was probably the only person in the world stupid enough to leave a stranger unaccompanied in their apartment. He was sure to tell him about stranger danger later, after he killed him. 

But then Brendon showed up looking a little guilty and a lot excited. 

"Good. He met Jon," Ryan said, like it was an obvious thing. "Jon, Ville's the one who played on the demo." 

"Oh, dude. That was sick. You're awesome," he said, shaking Ville's hand again. Ville just stared at him in shock. "Though seriously, what happened on I write Sins Not Tragedies? You totally lost the funk." 

Ville was about to freak out, but Brendon took pity on him. "Jon tried out for the band today. And we just decided that he's in!" 

After that, they were all too busy celebrating to deal with Ville's confusion. 

Still, Ville slept easier that night. He figured that Brendon was one step closer to making something of himself. Ville knew that if anybody he knew was going to somebody, it would be Brendon. 

…… 

While Ville was trying to juggle work and his relationship with Bam, the entire school was so busy getting pumped up for prom. Ville thought it was lame. In the eighties, nice girls waited until prom night to lose their virginity. These days, most girls walked into high school already having more experience than Ville did before he graduated. 

The prom had a theme, a lame theme, he thought. 'A Night To Remember.' That was pretty ironic, Ville thought, seeing as most people blacked out halfway through their prom nights. 

He said all this to Brendon one night. He was tired and so bitter. Between work and school, it seemed like he never got a second to himself. It pissed Ville off that there were girls out there that only had to worry about what color their dress was going to be, and whether or not their boyfriends were going to get a corsage that went around the wrist or one that pinned to their dress. 

So when Bam picked Ville up from work carrying two cups from Starbucks, Ville really wasn't ready for the question posed to him. 

"So like, if I asked you to go to the prom with me, even though it is pretty lame or whatever, would you even think about saying yes?" 

Ville choked on his first sip of coffee and Bam rubbed his back until he coughed his way into being able to speak again. 

"Did you just ask me to go to the prom, or are you hypothetically asking me if I would go to prom?" 

Bam bit his lip for a second and looked to make sure no one was around him. "I don't know. Remind me what hypothetically means again." 

Ville closed his eyes for a second. "Hypothetically is when you pose a question, but it’s not…you know what? Never mind. Nobody ever asks hypothetical questions. It's always just a question, they just don't want to hear the word no. You just asked me to the prom!" Ville sounded shocked, maybe even a little scandalized that he did so. 

"Well yeah…" Bam stood still and started kicking the ground with his battered sneaker. "You sort of forgot the part where you said yes, though. Or no. You can say no. Maybe it's lame, but I just thought it would be normal. Nothing about your high school experience has been normal. Besides, it might be kind of fun. At the very least, we can piss some people off." 

Ville chuckled and wrapped his arm around Bam's shoulder. He forced him to keep walking. "You need to work on your delivery a little, but I suppose if you want to, I'll go to prom with you." 

"Cool," Bam said. "I'm gonna wear a tie and everything. I'm going to be an awesome date!" 

…… 

When Ville admitted that Bam asked him to prom, Brendon got irrationally jealous. He sulked. 

"Spencer didn't ask me to prom," he groaned, hugging a pillow to his chest. 

To be honest, Ville wasn't all that thrilled to be going to prom. He knew that it would be hell to get the night off from work, he knew that he would be using money that they didn't really have, and he knew that everybody would stare at them like they were part of a circus act. But part of him was proud that Bam had asked him. He would have been jealous if Brendon went to prom without him, he supposed. 

"Why don't you ask him?" 

Brendon didn't answer for a long time. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt and looked at the TV. The only thing playing was the main menu of a DVD that they had already watched more times than Ville could count. 

"Spencer's the top," Brendon whispered, like someone in the building would hear him. 

"It's a date, Brendon. It's not sex!" 

Ville was laughing, but Brendon wasn't. He looked sad, and tiny, and Ville didn't know what to do to knock the frown off of his face. 

"I know that. But look, it's just…Spencer was straight before me. Or at least he thought he was. So like, I kind of let him make all the decisions, because I never want him to have a big gay freak out." 

"Everything," Ville asked, completely shocked that Brendon never initiated anything. 

"I'm getting better. Sometimes I'll kiss him or hug him if I really need it, but Spencer's really good about knowing what I need. So it's not…I never want anything. But I kind of want what you have now." 

Ville just hummed. 

The next day at school, Ville took Spencer aside in the hallway. 

"You need to ask Brendon to the prom." 

Spencer's eyes popped out of his head and he looked around, as if anticipating that Bam was filming it for one of his videos. Ville sighed, put his hand on Spencer's shoulder, and leaned down a little so that they were seeing eye to eye. 

"Seriously, Spencer. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that you and Brendon are together. And if you don't do this for him, I swear to god, I will make you pay. Give him one night, one normal night. Let him dance, and drink spiked punch, and for the love of fucking god, let him get dressed up and tell him he looks handsome and not pretty. Do you understand me?" 

Spencer nodded, but he looked scared. 

"It's alright. You won't be the only ones. Bam's taking me too." 

At the end of the day, Brendon climbed onto Ville's back like he was a tree. He held his fist in the air like he just won a marathon. Ville didn't need to hear that Spencer asked him to prom, but Brendon still yelled it loud enough for everybody in the hallway to hear. 

"Congratulations," Ville said. 

And when Brendon said, "thanks, Ville," in a tone that was so serious, Ville knew that Brendon figured out that he had stepped in. 

…… 

Shopping for a suitable outfit for prom with Brendon was far worse than shopping with his mother had ever been. Every time Ville came out wearing a suit Brendon either said "that's boring," or worse, "you can't tell how great your ass looks in that one. You have a great ass!" 

Brendon refused to try on anything that looked remotely modern or practical. He was drawn to the uglier parts of the seventies and most of his tuxedos were in powder blue or mint green and came accompanied by a ruffled shirt. 

"You look a lost member of The Pips," Ville commented. 

"I look hot!" 

They never settled on anything, and as the deadline ticked on, they got desperate. 

Eventually Ville's mother literally had to step in and took the boys into the city to find something for both of them. 

"That one," Brendon said, finally satisfied. It was a simple tux, but it had long tails and a red velvet vest. "Seriously, you look like the love child of James Bond and Dracula. It's perfect." 

Ville's mother casually covered her mouth with her hand and pretended to cough so she didn't actually laugh out loud at Brendon's commentary. And Ville found that he was so tired of trying on suits, that the idea of putting another one made his skin itch. "Fine. I'll take it!" 

Brendon looked delighted, and then ran back into the changing room. There were bumps and curses heard, but Anita and Ville waited patiently. 

"I think this one might be it!" 

And when Brendon walked out wearing a red and white checker print jacket and a matching bow tie, neither of them said what they thought, which was, "he looks like a game show host." 

Anita insisted on paying the rental fees no matter how much the boys protested. "Think of it this way. If I pay for these, you two can't protest coming over to get your pictures taken before the prom. I think I win in this situation." 

Ville and Brendon groaned in unison. 

"My boys are going to look so handsome," Anita told the clerk as he ran her credit card. 

…… 

West Chester High had extremely lax rules about the prom. If you were attending, you were allowed to leave school at noon to prepare. Ville thought that was a little silly, but he was looking forward to taking a nap before putting on his suit. 

Of course Ville didn’t get the nap. The whole Valo family was at home, including Jesse. Jesse spent most of the time teasing Ville and Brendon about going to the prom, but Kari kept him in check. 

"Be nice. If you want, I'll get out the pictures of you and your prom date," he threatened. "Wasn't she the girl who asked us if we were communists?" 

Jesse groaned and was suspiciously quiet after. He had terrible taste in women, Ville thought. 

After that, Brendon and Ville showered and spent too much time getting dressed and put together. For over an hour, Brendon walked around Ville's room in his underwear. 

"If I put on my suit now, it will just get wrinkled!" 

"Then why did you take a shower? Christ, it's just indecent for you to walk around in those," Ville whined looking at Brendon's tight yellow briefs. 

Brendon lowered his voice so Ville could barely hear him. "Spencer likes these." 

"I can see why! Just…put a towel on or something," Ville finally said. 

Brendon looked oddly flattered, but he listened. He wrapped a towel around his waist and sat on Ville's bed. When it was quiet, all he said was, "…really?" 

Ville nodded his head. "I can't not be attracted to you. That's impossible." 

"I know. I get hard seeing you in your underwear too," Brendon admitted. 

They laughed together instead of discussing how complex their relationship was. 

After that, they got dressed together. Ville had to tie Brendon’s tie, and Brendon had to fasten Ville’s cufflinks. They were both giggling and obviously nervous. 

"I still can't believe we're going to prom, Ville. I just…I remember all those dances and the way we used to sit at home and pretend it wasn't a big deal that we weren't going. But we're going. Together, sort of." 

"It'll be fun," Ville promised. 

And then he kissed Brendon on the mouth, too soft to ever mean anything, but if felt good. Brendon smiled when he pulled away. 

Anita took hundreds of pictures of them; some of them in the house, some of them in the yard. She probably would have gone door to door to get photos with all the neighbors if they had let her. The last one was a group shot of Brendon and Spencer, and Bam and Ville. As self-conscious as Ville was about the way he looked, he knew that it was going to be the best shot of the night. He could almost see it sitting over his parent’s fireplace.

"Alright. You can go now," Anita said, kissing each boy and wiping away the lipstick mark. 

After Brendon ducked into the limo, Ville saw Mrs. Urie standing on her front lawn with a hand over her mouth like she was horrified. 

"Shit," Ville said. 

Before he could do anything, Bam wrapped his arm around Ville's waist and pulled him in close. "Don't tell him tonight. Let him have his night." 

And Bam was right. It wouldn't have done any good to crush him. 

West Chester wasn't a backwards town in Alabama or anything, but the four boys still got a few stares when they walked into the ballroom hand in hand. Spencer looked physically ill at having so many people stare at him, but Brendon's excitement was so infections that he got over it pretty soon. 

And Bam, Bam was used to people talking about him and looking at him like he was a spectacle. Ville was oddly at peace with it. After the Youtube sensation, Ville was all too familiar with being the center of attention. 

The prom was exactly what Ville was expecting. The food was terrible, the DJ was atrocious, and they started a game of spotting the crying girl in the room at any given point. They saw more smudged eye liner and wardrobe malfunctions than most people saw at Fashion Week in Paris. 

Ville didn't let it ruin his good time though. He danced with Bam to the slow songs, because he was pretty sure that the world wasn't ready to see his hands on Bam's perfect ass yet. A few times Ville looked over and Brendon was right there, his chin hooked over Spencer's shoulder, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. He couldn’t believe that something so simple and traditional made Brendon so happy. He wished that he had come up with the idea on his own.

"You have really good ideas sometimes," Ville admitted. 

Bam just smiled at him. "You really think so? Because I kind of have another one." 

Ville hummed in appreciation so he'd keep talking. 

"I know that it's kind of a dick move, because I didn't ask you or nothing. But I got a hotel room for us tonight if you want it. I just thought, you know, it would be fun. Just us. No Brendon, no Brendon and Spencer. Just us." 

It was such a cliché that Ville had to try his hardest not to snort. But then he thought of a clean room without any distractions and he decided that was exactly what he needed. 

"Sounds perfect." 

"R-really? Because I swear, I didn't do it so you'd put out or nothing. I'm so not that guy. Or I mean, I am that guy, but I've never been that guy with you." 

"I know," Ville said, and he pulled Bam just a little closer. The song was some modern top forty hit that Ville had never heard before, but he knew he would never forget it. "I know you're not that guy. But tonight, I just…I want to be that guy who puts out. I want to play the virgin on prom night, and I want you to do your best to reassure me that I'm not stupid for doing this, that you really love me and that you'll love me forever." 

Bam buried his face in Ville's collar for just a moment and Ville felt him breathe in deep. "I will, you know. I will love you forever, no matter what. I know that this is high school and it's not supposed to last forever, but we will. We have to." 

And Ville, because he had never been able to make promises that he couldn't keep, just smiled and kept dancing. 

Ville stopped to dance with Brendon before he snuck out early with Bam. "I…I'm not going home tonight. Bam got a hotel, and it's sort of ridiculously embarrassing, but it's just romantic enough for me." 

Brendon grinned wide even if he was exhausted. He kissed Ville's cheek and Ville heard the room whispering around them. By Monday, he was sure that the whole school would start talking about how Ville had cheated on Bam on prom night with that weird Brendon Urie kid. 

"Have fun tonight. For once," Brendon begged him. 

And Ville did. 

He found that because he hadn't had actual sex with Bam in so long, that his fumbling virgin act was only partly an act. He was nervous and just a little shy about his body. Through it all, Bam kept reassuring him. 

"You are so beautiful. Fuck, I've never wanted anything this bad ever. Nothing. Never will." 

Ville absolutely knew the feeling. 

Bam took him face to face that night, not one of Ville's favorite positions, but it was the perfect choice. He liked seeing Bam's face contort when he was trying to hold his orgasm back. He liked tracing Bam's cheek bones after he said something sweet about the way Ville looked, felt, or moved. But more than anything, he liked the fact that all he had to do was arch his back to be able to kiss Bam. 

After round one, Bam rolled onto his back and panted for a long time. He laced their hands together, brought it up to his mouth, and kissed Ville's knuckles. "I love you," he said, before he playfully bit Ville's thumb. Ville thought it was the perfect night. 

Hours later, when Ville was still a little sore and tired from all the dancing, he crawled on Bam's lap and rode him. 

"If I was a girl, I would have done this while still wearing my prom dress," Ville admitted. 

After he said it, Bam put his hands on Ville's hips, pulled him down hard, and then came. It was too fast, Ville hadn't even gotten close to getting off, but he was proud of himself for turning Bam on. 

"I have the best boyfriend ever," Bam sighed, rolling Ville over so he was on his back. And because Bam was really the best boyfriend ever, he blew Ville with two slick fingers working in and out of him. Bam didn't even grimace when Ville came in his mouth without warning him. 

Just before they fell asleep wrapped together on sticky sheets, Bam said, "I bet we had the best prom night ever." 

Ville was a cynical bastard, but not even he was able to argue with that. 

…… 

Two weeks before the end of the school year, Bam got in trouble for performing a stunt on school property. Somehow in the mayhem a window had been broken and for over four hours the school mascot, The West Chester Ram, escaped. 

Because it was so close to the end of the year, and Bam couldn't be suspended without missing his finals, his punishment was to sit out of graduation. 

April Margera was horrified by the idea and had called the school twice to negotiate another punishment. The principal, however, was firm on his belief. 

"This isn't fair," Ville complained in bed one night. "You worked too hard for this." 

Whether it was fate or bad timing, Ville never knew, but he was called the office the next day. The principal looked smug across the desk. 

"Mr. Erickson dropped a stack of essays on my desk this week. They were all impressive, but yours was by far the best."

 

Ville nodded his head, but he couldn't find it in his heart to thank him. 

"The superintendent agrees with me. We'd both like you to read it at the ceremony next weekend." 

Ville shook his head. "Sorry, I'm not very good with crowds. I'll have to pass." 

"Don't you have any school spirit, Ville? You wrote a moving essay about the passage of time and how hard the real world is. I think it would be good for the rest of the students to hear before they leave here." 

Ville had absolutely no desire to speak, but he decided to make a request as a long shot. 

"The only way I'd ever read that at commencement, is if you let Brandon Margera walk up to the stage to get his diploma." 

And the truly horrifying part was, he agreed. 

"I can do that. I can absolutely do that. Unfortunately I can't make the same deal for Mr. Novak, considering he was the one who let the animal escape. But Mr. Margera? All he did was hold the camera. I think we can make an allowance just this once." 

Ville left the room with his shoulders slumped and his spirit crushed. His mother was going to make everybody in town go to his graduation because he was speaking. 

All he could think was that it was a good that high school was over, because he would have never shown his face in the halls again after his classmates heard his speech. He was such a loser. 

…… 

Ville never wanted to take credit for Bam walking in the ceremony, but he must have informed April of their arrangement, because she dropped by the bookstore the day after and kissed Ville's cheeks.

"You are a good man, Ville. So good to my family and my son. Just…thank you." 

Ville was so emotional that he couldn't speak. 

"I have to go now. I'm going to make you cookies, and dinner, and just…nice things. Only nice things for you, Ville." 

Deep down inside, Ville still didn't want to read the essay, but at least it seemed worth it. April's approval made the words easier to swallow. 

…… 

It was a few days before graduation and Ville was sure that if he actually made it to the podium, he'd probably just fall asleep. He picked up a few extra shifts to bail his boss out of a jam, and of course, to score a few days off after graduation. 

Ville came home dirty from dusting the self-help and do it yourself sections. Apparently West Chester wasn't really into self-improvement unless it was around the holidays. 

When he walked in the apartment, he was shocked to find Ryan Ross lazily napping on his couch with a smile on his face. He was just about to ask about it when Brendon pulled Ville into the kitchen. 

"What's he so happy about," Ville hissed. 

"Jon," was what Brendon said. 

"That's just stupid. Ryan might wear girl jeans, but he's the straightest guy I know." 

After that, Brendon and Spencer sat him down to explain. Ryan wasn't in love with Jon, but apparently they were musical soul mates or something. They spent all their time together getting high and talking about songs. And hey, if that made Ryan a decent human being, Ville was alright with that. 

"I still can't believe he's smiling," Ville said in complete wonder. 

"Oh come on," Spencer said, kicking Brendon under the table. "Just tell him. I know you want to. It's not like Ryan really thought you weren't going to tell him." 

And that's when Brendon exploded, almost literally. Alright, maybe he just knocked over a can of Coke and talked a lot with his hands, but it seemed like an explosion to Ville. 

"Ryan somehow got Pete Wentz's email address, and he sent him our demo, and he actually listened to it. And he like…he really likes it. He likes us and our sound. And he thinks we look good, which is weird to say, because he's getting kind of old and we're still in high school. But whatever. He's going to come here to watch us play. And if we're really as good as he thinks we are, and as good as Ryan told him we are, we could get signed." 

And Ville was so excited that Brendon had a future that he jumped up and hugged his best friend. They danced around like a couple of morons even though Spencer was watching them. 

The only reason they separated was because a gravelly voice said, "goddamn it, I knew you'd tell him." 

But the smile was still on Ryan's face. And then Brendon was hugging Ryan Ross, and Ryan didn't even push him out of his space bubble like he usually did. It was a great moment for all of them. 

…… 

On the morning of graduation, Ville wanted to throw up. 

The night before he had practiced his speech in front of Brendon, Spencer and Bam for over an hour. They all assured him that it was fantastic, and no, his accent didn't sound too thick. 

But since reading it to his three closest friends, it had changed. Ville made edits, changed the structure, and he threw in a couple of jokes. It was still pretty close to what he turned in all those weeks ago, but not completely. There was a little thrill in the rebellion there, but still, Ville was uneasy. He wondered distantly if the principal could prevent him from graduating if his speech didn't go well. 

Bam drove him to school at an ungodly hour and they spent most of their time yawning and trying not to spill their coffee on their gowns. Everybody else was in pretty much the same boat. 

It seemed to take forever to get everybody lined up and ensure that all of the students were wearing appropriate attire. All the girls and boys had to lift their gowns to prove to the teachers in charge that they were wearing something under them. Ville was embarrassed as he was looked over. 

Because he was giving a speech, Ville was separated from Brendon. Alphabetically, they should have only been a few chairs away from each other. It seemed wrong that on that sunny Saturday on the last day of May, that Ville was looking down at his friends instead of sitting with them. 

Most of the speeches were boring and long. The superintendent’s was worst of all. Mostly he just gave sporting highlights and geared it towards athletes and their parents. Ville figured they were the people who had donated money to the school though, so he supposed it was only fair. 

When Ville was introduced, he shyly stood up and took the podium. He carefully unfolded his speech and cleared his throat. 

"I never expected to be standing in front of all of you today. In fact, sometimes I think it's a miracle I graduated at all." 

The crowd laughed and Ville felt good. It was a relief that people related to him, even though they didn't know or understand his struggle. 

"The truth is that I don't want to be reading this to you at all. I'm here because I made a deal with the devil."

Behind him, he heard the principal cough loudly. It was clear that he didn't approve of Ville's changes. 

"But that's just it, that's what life is about. Life is about compromise and negotiation. And that's what I'm going to tell you about now." 

In the crowd, he saw Brendon smiling. He was arched up so high to see, that Brendon was the only face he could make out in a sea of blue caps and gowns. 

"I didn't have the traditional high school career that you see on television. I didn't even have the same experience as all of you did. Last year, I moved out of my comfortable home and into an apartment. I did it with my best friend - so I wasn't alone, and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world - but it was a struggle." 

Through his speech, Ville talked about the complicated game that money plays with you and how you cannot possibly let it rule your life and actions. He talked about responsibility and consequences, and how easy it was to lose track of all enjoyment when you followed the rules too rigidly. 

He talked about love, laughter, and the pursuit of happiness. He talked about Brendon without ever saying his name. 

"I won't dare stand up here and preach to you as if I'm adult, because I know it's far from what I am. But I've had a taste of what it's like, and I can't in good conscience let you leave today without knowing a little piece of what I know. Growing up is scary, but it's essential. Play as long as you can, but don't be afraid to make decisions that take you to difficult places. And if you're very lucky, like I have been lucky, you won't have to be alone when you make those tough choices. 

Good luck and congratulations." 

Ville was shocked to the point of his knees shaking when people rose to their feet and clapped for him. Brendon even stood on his chair. Once again, he was a beacon in a sea of blue. He was Ville’s rock.

…… 

After graduation, Ville didn't have time to relax. His mother was throwing him a joint graduation party with Brendon and they were the guests of honor. 

The party was small and intimate; after all, nearly all of Ville's blood family lived in Finland. But as the cars arrived, and Ville’s West Chester family arrived, he felt rich. He watched Spencer’s mother share a recipe with Jess Margera’s girlfriend. He interrupted Phil Margera schooling Kari on the finer points of American football. Neighbors and co-workers showed up to try Anita’s vegan potato salad and April’s strawberry shortcake. It was perfect.

Brendon and Ville ate too much food and awkwardly stuffed envelopes filled with money in their pockets from friends. 

Around six, just when the party started winding down, Brendon stiffened in his chair. He had been playfully sitting on Spencer's lap licking icing off his fingers. When Ville looked up, he was shocked to see Brendon's father. 

"H-hi, Dad," Brendon stuttered. Ville cursed under his breath as Brendon struggled to get up. If the look on Spencer’s face was anything to go by, Brendon had crushed his balls in an effort to look presentable in front of his father.

To his credit, Spencer didn't run away. He stood behind Brendon tall and firm, only cringing a little. For the first time, Ville thought that Spencer might just be strong enough to take care of Brendon. 

"Hello, Brendon. Congratulations on your graduation. It's an important achievement." 

He sounded too proper and much too cold. Anita, always having a sixth sense, came over right away. She extended her hand and Brendon's father took it warmly. 

"Thank you for the invitation," he said. Ville didn't even know that his mother invited The Urie family. And even if he had, Ville never would have expected them to show up. 

"You're welcome here anytime. Is Mrs. Urie here?" 

She craned her head to look around, but Ville already knew the answer to that one. 

"She isn't feeling very well today. She sends her best though." 

Brendon looked like he wanted to say so many things, but he stood red faced and silent in front of the man who just let him walk out of their home. 

"Thanks for coming, dad." 

"I wish I could do more. That we could have…well…" 

Ville wasn't sure he really believed that, though. He read between the lines. Brendon's father was saying that he wished that Brendon had been a better Mormon, that he was going on their mission, and that they could still be a perfect family. 

But when he handed over an envelope, Brendon took it. And what was worse, when Brendon darted forward and hugged the man, he looked unbelievably uncomfortable. 

"Don't stop calling her completely. She'd never say so, but she'll miss it if you do," was all Boyd said before he left. Ville held one of Brendon's hands and Spencer held the other as they watched the sharply dressed man walk down the street. 

"One day my name is going to be in neon lights on a marquis and I'm not going to care that my mother wouldn't come to my stupid graduation party." 

Everybody made sure to look somewhere else when Brendon used his sleeve to wipe at his wet eyes. 

Anita stood behind Brendon and wrapped her arms around his chest. 

"And hopefully you'll remember that sweet eccentric lady who mopped up your puke, put seven stitches in your arm when you fell down the stairs, and threw you a graduation party." 

Brendon laughed wetly. "I'll never forget." 

After that, Panic! At The Disco played a short set in The Valo family's backyard. They purposely did not play I Write Sins Not Tragedies. 

As Ville sat on Bam's lap and watched the sun set over Brendon's head, he hoped that Mrs. Urie could hear Brendon's voice all the way down the street. He hoped that she felt disgustingly guilty that she wasn't watching him make such beautiful sounds. 

"It's going to be one hell of a summer," Bam promised against Ville's neck. Ville hoped that would be true.

**Chapter Fourteen**

Bam had promised that it would be one hell of a summer, but at the beginning, it seemed like more of the same. Ville got up, he went to work, he hung out with Brendon and Bam, and he went to bed. He kept waiting for something exciting to happen, but in the end, he stuck to a routine.

The worst part was that it seemed like he saw Brendon and Bam less than ever. Bam was out all day skating, sometimes in competitions, and sometimes just for kicks. And Brendon was either at work, at practice, or keeping the band's social media sites updated. More often than once, Ville checked Brendon's Twitter account to see that he had posted pictures of Ville sleeping, or Ville's coffee cup, or his least favorite, a mess that Ville had left in the apartment. Ville wasn’t quite sure what his character flaws had to do with the band, but apparently they were extremely popular. Brendon would promise that he’d never do it again when Ville approached him about it, but the fact was, it was impossible to stay angry at Brendon for very long. Ville didn’t know if it was his easy going way with Brendon or the amount of Retweets that Ville’s shortcomings spawned, but it didn’t give Brendon much incentive to refrain from doing it again.

……

Ville was sitting on the couch alone one night alone when Spencer Smith dropped by unannounced.

"Brendon's at the piano bar until midnight," Ville said without getting up.

"Yeah, I know that. I just…I figured you could use some company."

Ville nodded his head, but he didn't look over at Spencer. They watched the end of Silence Of The Lambs without speaking.

"He's starting to get freaked out, you know. Brendon, that is." Spencer paused and stretched out on the couch. "For some fucked up reason he feels like if we do this, if we really get a shot, he's going to be leaving you behind. And when Ryan tells him that it's bullshit, Brendon doesn't believe it because Ryan's a self-centered asshole. And when I try to reassure him, he thinks that I'm just jealous of whatever you have, or that I'm trying to break that up."

Ville looked at Spencer stunned. "That's…pretty stupid."

"That's also pretty Brendon." He waited a beat and then he asked a question that hurt Ville. "How did you feel when you decided that you were going to college and you figured that he'd be here, or fucking worse, that he'd be going on his mission?"

Ville took a deep breath and closed his eyes so tight that they hurt.

"Yeah, I thought so," Spencer said. "So maybe you could like, tell him that it's okay to go. That he should really do this. I mean, you want this for him, right?"

Spencer left not long after that and Ville stayed up thinking about what he wanted.

Deep down inside, Ville knew that if he wanted to stay with Brendon, he could do that. He could tell Brendon that he wanted to be the bassist of Panic! At The Disco and he would somehow make that happen. But that wasn't what he wanted at all. Ville wanted to go to school and to be a better writer. Ville wanted to make his parents proud, his friends proud, but also Mrs. Fallon. Going on the road with a band that he didn't have his heart in wouldn't make him feel successful at all.

But Brendon? Ville wanted Brendon to take over the world if he could. Not only did he want Brendon to be as happy as he could, he wanted every loser in the world who wasn't loved as much as they should be know that they could be something. Ville wanted Brendon to inspire them all.

It seemed strange that Brendon would ever be torn between the life of fame and fortune and the life of ramen and straight to DVD videos with Ville. But in the same breath, Ville had absolutely no desire to ever have to wake up and wonder which zip code his best friend was in. Brendon’s reluctance wasn’t smart, but it was understandable. Ville had the same misguided desire to live in his best friend’s pocket too.

When Brendon came home from the piano bar with sore fingers and a headache, Ville had tea waiting for him.

"Coffee, Ville. Where's the coffee? Don't you love me anymore?"

Caffeine was the last thing that Brendon ever needed, but Ville didn't say that. "You have to work in the morning. You'll be up all night if I give you coffee," sounded much nicer.

They sat on the couch together and played an intricate game of figure out whose toes were longer. Ville loved the way the soles of Brendon's feet felt against his own. 

"When's Pete coming to see you play? You haven't talked about it in ages."

Brendon took another sip of his tea and shrugged. "I don't really know. I try not to think about it. Nothing will happen and I don't want to get all excited for nothing, you know? Like, he's probably wicked nice to everybody who sends them their demos just to get them to stop bothering him. That's what I'd probably do if I was famous."

Brendon had been a lot of things over the years that Ville knew him, but pessimistic was never one of them. He had plenty of things to be pessimistic about, but he usually combated that with an overindulgent hope. 

"I think he's going to show up and think that you're the best band in the world. Seriously, Brendon. You're not just some high school jam band that covers Sublime singles. You guys wrote your own music, made a demo that people killed to get their hands on, and I saw one of your t-shirts on some kid at the mall yesterday. You were born to be famous," Ville said to butter him up.

"Really?" Brendon bit his lip and appeared to think about that while he curled in closer to Ville. "I just…I don't feel like that, Ville. I like the idea of having money and making new songs, but I just…I feel like a total loser and a failure, and I just…I'm not ready for people to know that yet. The only time I feel like I'm normal is with you, and sometimes with Spencer, but mostly just you."

"You make me feel normal too," Ville admitted.

"So like, wouldn't it make sense that we just, you know, live together forever? Maybe you could transfer or something. Penn State is great, but you could go to a school closer and live here, and it would be perfect like it always is."

Perfect, Ville thought. Perfect like how the heat went out in the winter. And perfect like the sound of the upstairs neighbors jumping up and down at three in the morning. And perfect like not being able to leave the apartment because the rent was late and they were too terrified that they would run into the landlord. 

"That's kind of too bad. Because I was looking forward to telling everybody that my best friend was a rock star. Seriously, I'm going to have to start a new school by myself, and for the first time, I won't have you with me. I'm fucking terrified, but maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I can say 'I know that guy' and con them into thinking that I’m cool."

Brendon leaned in closer. "You could tell them you're best friends with the cute guy with the closing shift at The Smoothie Hut. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”

Ville laughed and pulled Brendon in his lap.

"I'm moving out of here in September and I know neither of us like that. But I need you to do something for me, Brendon. I need you to move out of this apartment. I need you to put on your big boy pants, impress Pete Wentz even if I think he's a poser, and I need you to play I Write Sins Not Tragedies in every city in the United States, just so I can make you feel terrible about glorifying my first and hopefully last breakup ever."

Brendon groaned and hid his face against Ville's stomach.

"I'm going to school. There's no way out of that. And you're going to get this record deal, and you're going to go on tour, because that's what you were born for. Maybe it won't make your parents proud, but it will make me very proud of you.

Brendon didn't say anything for a long time.

"If I get famous," Brendon started, but Ville stopped him. "When you get famous," was his correction.

"Fine. When I get famous, I'm going to mention you in every interview, and every article, and all my liner notes. And like, everything. It's all going to be about you. Okay? Because seriously, if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be on my mission now. I know you always thought I'd find my way out of it, but I don't think I would have. I think it was mostly you."

All Ville said in reply was, "when you get famous, you better stop taking pictures of my hairball in the shower and posting it on Twitter."

……

The best part about the summer was Ville finally had time for lots of sex. The really unfortunate part was that most of that sex occurred in Bam's car.

Ville had his own apartment, but the problem was that Bam wasn't lying when he said that Brendon's bed was practically on top of his. Ville had a hard time feeling sexy when Brendon was on the other side of the wall teaching Spencer how to play poker.

It was well past midnight in a parking lot down town and Ville was on his knees in the backseat of Bam's Honda. There was a Slurpee cup digging into his knee and Bam's hand was too tight in his hair. Ville hated everything about it. 

Just as Bam started really moaning and begging for it, there was a knock on the window. Ville was stupid enough to look up with his lips still stretched tight around Bam's cock. He was blinded by a bright flashlight.

"You kids have five minutes to get out of here," a muffled voice said.

Bam groaned and Ville buried his face in Bam's lap, but not the way he would have liked.

"This is like the worst timing ever, buddy," Bam yelled at the cop.

The knock came back. "Five minutes. I'm not kidding!"

After that, Bam drove Ville home. They were both still hard, and they could have gone upstairs, but Bam shook his head.

"I've got a demo in the morning. If I go upstairs, I won't go home and I'll end up skipping the demo because I'm late and I don't have my shit with me. There's a few sponsors coming to this one. It could be my break."

He kissed Ville's cheek before Ville got out of the car. 

Ten minutes later, Ville got a call on his phone.

"Phone sex. We're having it. Right now," Bam insisted.

"How is this any better? Now I'm the only one who has to be embarrassed."

Bam laughed, but it was cut off by a moan. "Dude, whatever. I'll get off just fine just knowing you're listening to me beat off."

It took Ville about six seconds to yank down his jeans. "You are the worst boyfriend ever," he hissed. 

In the end, Ville still came first, which Bam found hilarious. 

"I love that you're so hot for me, babe. I'll call you tomorrow."

……

With Ville's new free time, he started writing again.

He wrote in school all the time, but it was never very good. He either didn't have time to shape it into what it could be because of work, or he wasn't in love with the assignment and didn't connect to the piece.

When Ville was free, he found himself creating people he had never met and telling average day stories in a new light.

Bam had purchased him a book on how to publish a novel for Christmas, but Ville wasn't sure that was what he wanted to do. Ville liked to take snap shots of daily life and fold them into something new.

He started a blog to house his ideas, if only to make his work worth his time. 

There were a few random people who subscribed and occasionally left comments, but Ville mostly started it with the idea of keeping it secret.

……

At the end of June, Bam had a skate competition and Ville actually had the day off so he could make it. 

He slathered his body in SPF 50 and braved the crowd to watch Bam and Novak compete against each other. Ville always assumed that Bam was the better skater, but once they arrived at the park, it seemed like Novak had more friends and connections. Bam didn't seem bitter about it, but it was the first time in Ville's life that he saw Bam take a backseat to anybody. 

Ville was excited to see it for himself, but during his first run, Novak took a nasty fall. The entire crowd groaned, but unlike the skaters before him, Novak didn't get up.

"Fuck," Ville swore. He didn't think twice before he vaulted the railing. Bam was already kneeling by his best friend's side.

"Dude," he heard Bam say, but Ville pulled him back before he could touch him. The medics were on their way anyway.

"Don't move him," Ville pleaded. 

Bam looked like he was about to cry, but Ville held him together.

"He's got to go to the hospital. There could be some real damage here."

From the stretcher, Novak started complaining. "I'm fine, assholes. Just give me some ice and a Vicodin and I'll be right as rain."

Bam laughed, but it sounded wet.

"Shit, they're going to kill him at the hospital. I'm going," he said.

Ville bit his lip. He didn't think that was the best idea. He kept wondering about fate and missed chances. If Bam skipped his turn, Ville would end up writing a thousand stories about what their lives would be like if Bam had skated.

"No. Stay," Ville said. "I'll go with him."

And when Bam gave him a curious look, Ville rolled his eyes. "I owe him one, Bam. Let me take him."

And that's how Ville ended up in the back of an ambulance with Brandon Novak.

"How come in all the movies the fucker in the back is asking the ambulance to play the siren? My head hurts so bad that I would crawl to the front and beg them to shut it off." He turned his head, wincing when the muscles pulled in his back. "I'm not paralyzed or nothing, you know? You don't have to make record time,” he hissed, after they had hit a particularly nasty pot hole.

Ville laughed at the look on the EMT's face. He clearly had never met anyone quite like Novak before.

"He got a head injury I should know about, or is he always like this?" 

"He's always like this."

"Bitch, please. You say that like it's a bad thing. Just because you're uptight and boring as hell, doesn't mean other people don't enjoy my company! I make people laugh. What do you do?"

"I fuck your best friend on a daily basis and keep him in a good mood. Isn't that enough?"

Novak was so shocked by the reply that he shut up for ten seconds. It was long enough for the EMT to distract them both. "I held someone's intestines today," he said casually. And then he started telling the story to keep Novak quiet and still. By the end of it, Ville and Novak were both sufficiently grossed out.

Novak's parents were of course nowhere to be found, so Ville ended up sitting with him at the hospital. He tried his best to help him fill out his forms, but Novak barely remembered his mother's maiden name, so he didn't know which health insurance carrier he had, or even if he had health insurance. 

He had x-rays and an MRI. Novak could move his toes and his legs, but he couldn't stand. 

By the time that Bam showed up at the hospital with April and Jesse, they had just figured out that Novak broke his tailbone. The doctor finally relented and gave him enough pain medication so that he would sleep.

"Element signed me," Bam said, unable to keep the smile off his face. "Seriously. I'm a pro-skater. You are looking at a pro-skater."

Ville was just about to hug the life of him, when the body on the bed groaned and turned towards them.

"You got signed? Big fucking deal. I shattered my tailbone. Now come over here and massage my ass, you dickhead."

They all laughed. And as Ville was leaving, Bam turned to Jess.

"You should probably get my camera. I bet he's going to say some amazing shit while he's doped up. Plus, just seeing him in that hospital gown is funny. This is going to be Youtube gold."

As Ville took the bus back to his apartment, he thought about how much things hadn't change. He was surprisingly alright with that. He never expected or wanted Bam to grow up. Ville wondered what that said about him. 

……

On the fourth of July, Bam arranged a camping trip that Ville had absolutely no desire to go on.

"Dude, just because you live without parental supervision, doesn't mean that we all do. It's going to be fun."

All Ville could think about was warm beer, mosquitoes, and sleeping with a rock digging into his back. It didn't sound like fun to him.

"Please? We're going to eat s’mores, set off fireworks over the lake, and party all night. I really don't want to be texting you all night, because when I do that everybody tells me I'm pussy whipped, and you don't even have a pussy.”

Ville rolled his eyes and turned his back on Bam.

"I'll make it worth your while," Bam promised. 

"Sex is not going to win me over, Bam. I am not having sex with you in the woods. I'll end up with mosquito bites on my ass, poison ivy on my balls, and your stupid friends will probably video tape the whole thing."

Bam was scratching at his chin like he was thinking about it.

"Well like, what if I made up for it now, with like….lots of good sex? And then you owe me one and come camping anyway?"

And because Ville was an eighteen year old boy that got hard at the drop of a hat, he caved. 

……

Ville didn't get poison ivy on the camping trip, but Brendon did. He tried to console his friend between calamine lotion applications by saying, "at least it's not on your balls," but Brendon wasn't really comforted.

Despite what Bam said, camping had not been fun. 

In order to get Ville to actually go on the trip, Bam had to extend the camping invitation to Brendon and Spencer, which of course meant that the offer was also extended to Ryan and John.

And although John brought really fantastic weed with him that the entire party enjoyed, the high was not enough to keep Ryan Ross from complaining for more than ten minute stretches.

And Brendon, fucking Brendon, was perhaps the worst camper that Ville had ever met. He couldn't set up his tent, he was scared of every noise, and he was the only one to light something on fire accidentally. 

At night, when Ville was sure that the rest of their friends were sleeping, he let Bam go down on him. Ville had just called out to thank god when Brendon ran into his tent with a flashlight. 

"Ville? Are you okay? Are you scared too?"

"I…I'm fine, Brendon."

Ban hadn't even appeared yet from the bottom of their sleeping bag and Brendon was trying to make himself comfortable next to them. 

"Well, I'm scared. There could be bears! And Spencer's sleeping. And I think Ryan Dunn is passed out in our tent too, but I'm not sure, maybe it’s a Yeti. And it's hot and cold at the same time and I don't feel good. And like, I know it's too late for us to go home and we're too high to do it anyway, but I seriously want to go home.”

Bam chose that as his moment to reappear.

"O-oh," Brendon said, totally embarrassed that he had missed what went on. "I'll just…"

And before Ville could say anything, Bam shook his head.

"It's fine. We're done now, anyway. You can stay if you want, Brendon."

He did. He slept on the other side of the tent in the extra sleeping bag Bam brought in case it got cold. And when Brendon fell asleep before them, Ville wrapped his arms around Bam's waist and leaned in as close as he possibly could.

"Thanks for that."

"No problem," Bam said. "It's funny. That kid has dealt with more shit than any of us and he's fucking scared of sleeping in the woods. Like, doesn't he realize that what he's been through was a thousand times harder?"

Ville didn't point out that Brendon had never done it alone, that he had always been with Ville, and that they were always scared shitless. He was too terrified that it would have turned Bam off.

By the morning, Brendon was gone. His sleeping bag was neatly rolled up in the corner as if he had never been there at all.

Ville emerged to try to drink the instant coffee that Ryan Dunn finagled over the last of the fire and found Brendon walking to the campsite barefoot and shirtless from the direction of the lake.

"Ville! I chased a rabbit and sort of met a frog. And I saw a bug the size of my big toe and I think it was fucking another but the size of my little toe, but it might have been eating it. I only watched for like a second, because I figured it would be rude to watch when it's not documented on the Discovery Channel, you know? But I also saw a bee’s nest and a snapping turtle - I think - I didn't check to see if it bit or anything. And I kind of want to go swimming, but I stuck my foot in and it was really fucking cold. I think I'm going to wait to see if anyone else wants to go, because if it’s really cold I might get a cramp, and I could drown. Jon will probably go swimming, but Ryan won't because he'll think the lake is dirty, and well…you know Spencer doesn't like to take his shirt off in front of other people, because he thinks he's fat. But just…you could go swimming with me later, right?"

The six other people who were also waiting for coffee in front of the fire were staring at Ville and Brendon in shock. They seemed to be unaware that one person could talk so fast about so many things and that another person would put up with it full time with a smile on his face. And Ville did just that, he smiled and nodded his head. "We could probably go swimming later."

The rest of the trip was boring and tiring. A lot of them went swimming, the responsible ones cleaned up the camp sites, and the least hung over ones drove back. 

By the time they got back to their apartment, Brendon had already kicked his shoes off and started itching his feet.

"I think I caught some kind of disgusting fungus in the wild or something." 

Ville kept hoping that it was some kind of mental thing, that he was making it up, but around dinner time Ville was convinced that Brendon had caught poison ivy on his nature adventure.

"You have poison ivy," Anita confirmed two hours later. 

"I can't have poison ivy! I have to go to work tomorrow!"

"You can still go to work with poison ivy, Brendon. It isn't contagious."

"Mom, I’m so itchy that I can barely even sit here and talk to you. How am I supposed to make smoothies?"

For a long time, Anita didn't say anything. Brendon had called her mom, probably by accident, but it still made her eyes light up. Ville remembered all those years ago when Brendon couldn't stop calling her Mrs. Valo. His parents brought him up to do that. As Anita told Brendon how to take care of his skin, Ville wondered what Mrs. Urie would think of her son calling another woman mother. He hoped that it would make her skin itch more than Brendon's.

……

A week after their camping trip, Ville found himself sitting on Bam's bed while he packed a bag. Every time Bam threw something in the bag, Ville pulled it out to carefully fold it before he placed it back in. It reminded him of how he used to sit on his mother's bed before she would leave for vacation.

"I've never been to New York before. Well, I have, but that's like upstate. I'm going to the city! I'm going to buy you something super rad there, okay? It will be like you were there with me."

Ville smiled and nodded, and kept checking over what Bam was packing. April made him promise that Bam would have enough clean socks and underwear for his three day trip. 

"It's weird, because like, even though I signed all the papers and got paid, I haven't felt like it made a difference. But I'm going to go do a demo this week, Ville. And the thing is that I'm the new guy, so everybody is going to be looking at me to see if I measure up. And the best thing about it is that I'm not even fucking nervous. Like, I measure up. A lot!"

As Ville tucked Bam's extra skate shoes into the side of his bag, he looked up with his bright green eyes. "You're the best," he assured. 

"Well, that's not totally true. I mean, there are other skaters who are better, or whatever. But seriously, I look better when I do it. And I'm funny. People like me."

"I like you," Ville purred.

And for the next hour they lazily made out instead of packing Bam up for New York.

Ville hated that he wouldn't be able to see him for three days, but he figured that it would be good as a test run. When Bam got famous and Ville went to college, they would be going much longer than three days without seeing each other. 

……

At the end of July, Brendon was nervous, flighty, and he couldn't manage to finish one thing before he started the next. He would eat half of his sandwich and then get in the shower. He would walk out of the shower, but never get dressed. He would watch half of a movie and then he'd start checking his email. After two days of that, Ville grabbed him by the shoulders.

"What's wrong with you," Ville asked. He sounded angry and so much like Brendon's parents. The tone of his voice made Brendon crumble under Ville's hold.

"It's the next show. Shit. I tried not to think about it so I didn't get worked up about it, but like…I can't not. And I didn't want to tell you, because you'll make a big deal out of it. And I just want this to be like every other show. I don't want to be better or worse just because Pete Wentz is there."

Ville felt so horrible that he hadn't been asking Spencer about Pete so he could better take care of his friend. 

That night, Ville listened to every Fall Out Boy song of all time and made sure to tell Brendon that he liked all of Panic’s songs better than that one, even I Write Sins Not Tragedies. 

The day before the show, Spencer tried to stay over, but Brendon kicked him out of the apartment.

"I just…I need to relax," is all he said.

Spencer had a pained look when he said it. He looked at Ville like it was actually Ville's fault. Ville did the polite thing and gave them a moment alone.

Ten minutes later, Brendon came into Ville's bedroom.

"I need you to tell me a story, Ville. Like, I need you to make up a story for me right now, on the spot."

Ville looked up from his book confused. Brendon just settled in at the foot of his bed.

"I want you to tell me what the first year of my life is going to be like if this happens. Make it up. But make it real. I'm smart enough to know that I'm not going to be drinking champagne out of a diamond cup for a while, so like, none of that stuff."

And because Ville liked to give Brendon whatever he wanted, he did just that. He took five minutes to collect all the thoughts in his head and then he just thought them all out loud.

He made it easy for Brendon to relate to, because he made it seem so close to the life that they already lived.

He told Brendon that he would be tired all the time and that Ryan Ross was still going to be an asshole. He told him that the hours that he was going to work were going to be longer than he ever imagined. But at the end of it, he told Brendon about all the sad faced kids who would come up to him and have a smile just for him. Ville told him what it would be like the first time that he heard his own song on the radio, or the phone call that he would get the first time that Ville, or Anita, or Kari heard his song on the radio. 

Brendon was smiling drowsily at the end of the bed after Ville told him how much of a relief it would be when they moved out of a touring van and into one of the big shiny busses. 

"You're my favorite person ever, Ville," is all he said.

"I know. You're my favorite too," Ville replied.

Ville didn't even bother asking Brendon if he wanted to stay with him that night, he just made room for him in the bed.

……

Ville made sure to put a lot of distance between himself and Brendon during the show. He hauled gear like he always did, helped Spencer set up his kit and Ryan arrange his pedals, but after that he made himself scarce. He kept seeing Brendon's neck arched, as if wondering when Ville would return. But the point was that Ville was teaching him a lesson. He wouldn't always have Ville to depend on; he'd need to trust his band. 

"You look like it's your kid's first day of school," Bam complained as he batted Ville's thumbnail out of his mouth. "He's going to be fine. He knows it's either make it or break it. And he wants you to be proud of him too much to fuck this up."

Ville, along with just about everybody else in West Chester saw Pete Wentz over to the side of the stage talking to Ryan and Brendon. 

Distantly, as Ville watched the sound tech get ready, he wondered how Jess Margera felt about all of it. He had been in a band longer, had been more organized, and yet Pete Wentz had no idea who he was. He asked Bam once, but Bam just shook his head. "Nah, man. Jess is totally DIY, you know? He wants to go indie with this."

"I feel like I'm going to throw up," Ville announced. 

"Then we better get you a beer before they go on," was Bam's solution.

Ville did drink the beer, but it didn't settle his stomach or nerves. 

He found that he was holding Bam's hand painfully tight when Brendon stepped onstage, but Bam didn't ask him to go easy.

"Hey guys. We're Panic! At The Disco, as you totally know. And like, we have company tonight. So even though you like us every time we play, we need you to…like us more tonight, okay?"

The crowd clapping almost overshadowed Ryan's, "Brendon, don't be a tool," but not completely.

The show went awesome. Without Brent, Ryan didn't throw a tantrum on stage, which was nice. Also, Jon was very good at distracting Ryan. He'd get right up in Ryan's face and Ryan would be unable to look or turn away. 

Still, in the end, something had to go wrong. Halfway into the set, Ryan had a problem with his pedals. If it had been anybody else in the band, Ryan would have made a scene.

"And this is apparently the point in the show where I have to do a little improvisation!"

The crowd clapped and yelled. They were a bit drunk by that point, Ville gathered. 

"So uh, I play this song on the piano at a Piano Bar downtown every week. And uh, I don't know. It's sort of all I can think to play right now. This one goes out to my roommate, Ville. Wherever you're hiding tonight, this one's for you."

He got about eleven seconds into Tonight, Tonight before Bam let go of Ville's hand and Spencer crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Ville hoped that Pete Wentz wouldn't notice the look on Spencer's face when every girl in the crowd was singing along and swooning over Brendon's voice. 

But Ville? Ville saw the song for what it was. Sure, the song was kind of romantic in a Bonnie and Clyde star crossed lovers sort of way, but it was more than that. It was a song about two people who knew about change and believing in each other. It was also a promise to Ville. 

_“We'll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight. We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight, tonight. We'll find a way to offer up the night, tonight. The indescribable moments of your life, tonight. The impossible is possible, tonight. Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight.”_

Jon, because he was perfect, took some of the sting out of it. He got on his knees beside Brendon and started playing along with him. And when Brendon sang that song to Jon, instead of for Ville, both Spencer and Bam seemed to relax.

"If he doesn't sign them, he's a fucking moron," was all Bam said. Ville was too relieved that Bam grabbed his hand again to agree with him.

That night they closed with I Write Sins Not Tragedies, because it was everybody's favorite original (other than Ville, of course.)

"This is our last song for the night. Thanks for coming and stick around. CKY is on next!" 

That night, even though it ached to do so, Ville and Bam sat through the whole song. Ville found himself grudgingly singing along, though he’d never tell Brendon. Bam would never admit to it either, but Ville saw him tapping his foot along to the beat. The song was infectious even if it felt like a disease sometimes.

After that, they were done. Ville let the band have a few moments together before he crawled onstage to help them break down. Even Bam helped, though he never had before. 

When they got the last drum into the back of Brendon's minivan, Brendon just grabbed Ville and hugged. He was soaked to the bone in sweat (and he smelled like it) but Ville didn't push him away. 

"Only you would think that it’s acceptable to dedicate the sweetest Smashing Pumpkin’s song in the world to your best friend in front of your boyfriend," Ville whispered playfully.

Brendon just pulled away smiling too wide.

"Shut up. It was awesome. And you got it, right?"

 

"Yeah. I got it," he said. “I do, you know. I believe in you, Brendon.”

They shared another, much shorter hug. Spencer stood behind Brendon. But when Ville looked up, he noticed that Spencer was smiling too, not looking awkward or angry about the situation.

And then Pete Wentz walked out the back alley of Rex's bar, and even though Ville thought he was a poser, he was a little star struck.

"The fact that you guys are hauling your own gear after a show is fucking unbelievable," he hissed.

"Seriously. You have small town America creaming in their jeans already and you don't even have a proper demo yet. Who recorded that, by the way? It sounds fucking awful. Compared to what I heard tonight, that demo is a joke."

Ryan bit his lip and Brendon looked at his shoes. Neither of them had any idea how to talk to Pete Wentz when he was swearing and excited.

"You guys are going into the studio on my dime. Fuck it, we're not even going to make a demo. You guys are going to make your first record. And I don't care what anybody says. You didn't call me, I discovered you. Got that?"

They all nodded their heads knowingly. 

After that a round of introductions were made. Pete met Jon, (the new bassist) Ville and Bam. 

"You're Ville," he asked, hugging Ville instead of shaking his hand.

"Y-yeah," he admitted uncomfortably.

"Oh man. I've been following Brendon's Twitter account. The shit he posts about you is hilarious. Loved the mashed potato sculpture of Alaska you made last week, by the way!"

Ville just blushed. 

Pete parted ways after giving all the guys direct phone numbers and instructions on when calls would be made. When he left, he drove off in a car so black and shiny that it made Ville's eyes hurt. That could be Brendon someday, Ville thought.

 

Brendon, to his credit, waited until the car was around the corner before he vaulted himself onto the top of his van and started jumping up and down.

 

"I'm the king of the world," he announced.

 

Ville didn't mention that he was the king of the world with a giant dent on the roof of his car, but he would the next day when the high wore off.

 

……

 

So many exciting things were happening around Ville that it seemed so stupid when everybody got excited for him to attend orientation for school.

 

"It's really not that exciting," Ville said over coffee. 

 

"Dude, it really kind of is. You're the only one out of us that's going to college. Don't you think that's something awesome right there," Brendon asked.

 

Ville shrugged. "It's not like I'm going to be at frat parties and sleeping with my professors. I'm not on a reality show," he complained.

 

"Babe, you are going to sleep in a tiny room with a stranger for months. And you're going to write awesome things. But more than that, you're going to learn things that you actually want to learn. You're going to do great, Ville. You’re going to do better than all of us," Bam said. Ville wasn’t really sure he believed that, though.

 

Anita argued that she would take Ville to orientation so she could see the campus, but Bam stepped in first. 

 

"Your mom can lance boils and stitch up clumsy old people. I want to see where my boyfriend is going to spend all his time away from me."

 

Sitting in the car for three hours with Bam was fun, but it highlighted how far away he would be. He wouldn't be coming home every weekend like he heard other kids say that they did. It was at that moment that Ville wished that he had gone to school in West Chester, if only to have his family and friends to depend on. 

 

Bam wanted to try to pretend to be a prospective student and walk around with Ville, but Ville knew that he never would have been able to meet any unbiased friends.

 

As soon as Bam's car was gone, he wanted to beg him to come back. Ville had grown up from his first day of school, but he still saw himself as the jazz band geek with bad skin and an undecipherable accent when his friends weren't around.

 

While Bam spent the night at a crappy motel downtown, Ville stayed in a dorm room for the first night. The boy they paired him up with was alright, but he seemed more interested in the idea of finding out if he could find beer somewhere than getting to know Ville. Apparently he had never drank before. Ville tried to tell him that it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, but he was on a mission. Ville didn’t want to rob him of that rite of passage.

 

He met a few kids that he liked, saw two that went to his own high school that he didn't hate by design, but for the most of his time there he was a loner. He spent his time wisely, paying attention and trying to get the best classes for his first semester.

 

By the time he left, he had managed to get Fridays off, should he ever be able to come home for a long weekend. The best part was that he had classes that he was actually excited about. He did have an eight oclock class, but that was alright, high school started earlier than that, after all.

 

He was practically shaking at the end of it when he was forced to sign up for a roommate. After everything, after he declared a major and signed his life away for a year, having no control over who he lived with was the scary part. His parents would have gladly paid extra to give him a single, only singles weren't offered to freshmen. 

 

Just before he went up and told the woman in housing that his roommate was 'undeclared,' a boy grabbed him by the elbow. He was bigger than Ville by miles. He looked like a football player, or a rugby player, or something that involved contact sports. Ville should have been scared, but after knowing Bam Margera and Brandon Novak for so long, he knew to expect anything.

 

"My name's Zach. I snore, I sleep with a night light even though I'm mostly an adult. I have insomnia half the time, mostly because I'd rather be playing video games that involve shooting at zombies than sleeping. I eat really loud, I fart when I want, and sometimes I go a questionable amount of time without showering. After all that on the table wouldn't you rather live with me than walk into a mystery?"

 

Ville nodded his head. He got what this the boy was talking about. 

 

"My name's Ville. I'm gay. Like, really gay. But don't worry, I don't want to have sex with you. I have a boyfriend, but we probably won't be having sex in the room, because he lives three hours away. I'm going to talk to my parents in another language on the phone. I don't want to hear about how that's weird. I already have a best friend, so you and I aren’t going to become disgustingly close, and I hope that doesn't offend you. Also, if you smell, I'll probably insist you take a shower, even though I obviously won't be able to physically force you."

 

Zach hummed and thought it over.

 

"Want to be roommates," he finally asked.

 

Ville didn't think he could do any better than that. Ville imagined that Zach was what would happen if you put Ryan Dunn and Novak in the same body. And although the idea of living with either of those boys full time seemed like a prison sentence, he also knew he could do a lot worse.

 

"Sure,” Ville decided.

 

By the time that Ville slid into Bam's car, he was feeling a little bit better about college. At least he knew what he was walking into. Not even Bam and Brendon had that.

 

……

 

The first time that Ville got a text that said 'you're ruining my life' from Ryan Ross, Ville figured that it was a mistake. By the second message, Ville didn't know what to think. 

 

He finally caught Brendon on their break at the mall. Brendon had brought him a blueberry banana kiwi smoothie. Ville grimaced when he tasted it.

 

"I know, man. It's new. My boss wants everybody to try it out."

 

"Thanks, but no thanks," Ville said as he pushed it away.

 

It was quiet for a moment as Brendon's slurped his entire smoothie through the straw, only to move onto Ville's. He drank it with a smile. Ville was pretty sure that Brendon didn't have taste buds after drinking his coffee so hot over the years. 

 

"So, Ryan keeps sending me these texts," Ville started.

 

Brendon looked uncomfortable.

 

"So…is there something up?"

 

"No, it's nothing. He's just…he's being an asshole. Nothing unusual there, right," he laughed.

 

But it wasn't as easy for Ville to laugh off. 

 

He knew he wouldn't get an honest answer from Brendon, so two hours later when he got out of work for the night, he went to see Spencer at Starbucks.

 

"Hey, Ville. You want a latte? Some lady fucked up ordering it and made me make her another one."

 

Ville shrugged and took it.

 

"What's up with Brendon? Ryan keeps sending me creepy texts and Brendon looked like I punched him when I asked him about them."

 

Spencer looked around like Brendon was going to be there, but in the end, he sighed.

 

"Look, as much as I would love to tell you about it, I totally promised him I wouldn't. And you already get the best friend card, so I'm not going to break my promise and look like a bigger asshole."

 

Ville set his coffee down on the counter so hard that some of it sloshed out and burnt his hand. It hurt, but he didn't look at it. He was too busy glaring at Spencer.

 

"That's where you've gotten everything wrong, Spencer. This isn't a fucking competition, alright? I'm the best friend and you're the boyfriend. We have to work together to make Brendon's life easier, not harder."

 

It took a few more pep talks about cooperation and Brendon's wellbeing, but eventually Spencer cracked.

 

"Alright! Alright! We were supposed to start recording last week, but Brendon blew it off. He said we weren't ready yet. And Pete was pissed, pretty pissed, but he said okay. Brendon doesn't want to leave to record until after you do. He wants to have the summer with you and that pisses Ryan off."

 

Ville finally looked down at his hand. He wished that it burnt more than what Spencer said.

 

"He's fucking crazy," Ville said.

 

Spencer nodded. "Yeah. But like, this isn't going to change anything, alright? We still have a recording contract. We just…we wait until September. So give him the rest of the summer, be nice to him, and don't you dare tell him I told you."

 

Ville agreed.

 

That night in bed, he realized he had the best friend in the world. 

 

……

When the notice came in the mail saying that their apartment was up for a lease renewal, Brendon and Ville looked at it for two days and didn't know what to say to each other. 

 

In the end, Ville did what he always did when he couldn't handle something. He showed up at his mother's house. 

 

"I don't know what to do. Like, I don't know what to say to him," Ville admitted. 

 

Anita just looked at him cross eyed.

 

"I just assumed he was going to stay here for a while," she said. 

 

And that was one of the very many reasons why his mother was the greatest person in the world. 

 

When Ville finally sat Brendon down to talk about it, he tried to shrug it off.

 

"No, hey, that's not…no. I can find another roommate, I'll work while we're recording, and I'll keep up the place while I'm not living here. I'll need somewhere to come back to," he said.

 

"That's really pretty stupid, Brendon. It's not like you'll even be living in my parents’ house. Your stuff will, just like my stuff. Isn't that kind of nice, that even if we aren't living together, our stuff is?"

 

That must have triggered something inside of him, because Brendon agreed. 

 

Jesse, of course, ruined things. 

 

"Brendon's moving in here? With us? Fuck, I'm getting out. Me and Jesse will move out together. It will be awesome."

 

The very next day Anita brought Jesse over to see Ville's apartment for the second time. 

 

When Ville looked at her with a shocked and hurt expression, she rolled her eyes.

 

"Sweetheart, I am not going apartment hunting again. It nearly killed me the first time. Now this place is safe, I know it's safe. If it was good enough for you, it will be good enough for Jesse," she said.

 

"Mom," Jesse whined. 

 

Once again, Ville decided that he was his mother's favorite.

 

……

 

Packing was twice as hard for Brendon and Ville as it would have been for normal people.

 

Ville had to pack twice; for the things that he was bringing to school with him, and the things that would rot in the garage until he made it home for winter break. 

 

Brendon had the same problem. He had to pack the things that were going to Ville's house, and the clothes that would be going to New York for him to record in. 

They helped each other sometimes. Ville would walk into Brendon's room and see him looking at his shirts. "You should really just throw that out," he would say, when he would see a shirt that was obviously too small and had unfortunate stains in the armpits. And then Brendon would wander into Ville's room and see Ville tucking away his Star Wars action figures to go to his mom’s house. "Dude, you really don't expect to be able to finish writing a paper without asking Master Yoda if it's acceptable, do you?" He'd quickly put it in a different box for Ville, effectively making the decision. Ville was practical and Brendon was spirited. In the end, they evened each other out. 

And all the while, Bam lived out of a bag. He'd be home for two days, gone for two more, and then he'd have three days home. Ville started to lose track of him, but the text messages and calls were always comforting. 

 

No matter how stupid it was, and no matter how much Ville claimed he didn't need another thing in his boxes, Bam always brought him a present home from where he was.

 

"Just, stop complaining about it, alright? I know it's stupid or whatever, but I miss you full time. Like, I go these places and I'm excited to skate, but once I step off my deck I start wondering what you're doing. Looking around for a present at least lets me think about you a little longer without feeling like a loser."

 

Ville stopped complaining after that. 

 

……

 

Anita and Kari moved Ville and Brendon out of the apartment, even though Bam swore that his friends could take care of it. Bam was in Los Angeles when the actual moving took place.

 

His parents were fast and efficient and it made Ville wonder how many times they had moved before Jesse and Ville came into the picture.

 

"I bet they were in the witness protection program," was Brendon's only explanation. 

 

At the end of the move, all of their things were littered over the garage floor. Anita was usually disgustingly organized and a clean freak, but she let it stay like that. 

 

"Not forever, but…for now," she said. 

 

Ville had a feeling that she wouldn't step foot in the garage until both boys moved out for good. And to be honest, Ville didn't blame her at all.

 

……

 

After years of talking and dreaming about quitting their jobs, when Ville and Brendon did it, they were shockingly anti-climactic about it. 

 

They wanted to make big scenes and tell their managers to go fuck themselves, but Kari talked them out of it.

 

"Ville, what if you need a job next summer? And Brendon, what if you need a job after the tour?"

 

Ville hated admitting that his father was right, but they put in their two weeks’ notice regardless. It left them with four days at the tail end of summer before Ville left for University Park and Brendon had to leave for the recording studio.

On the last day of work, Brendon picked Ville up and they promised not to set foot in a mall until the next summer. 

After that, they spent an hour trying to figure out what two teenage boys could do without any money, going to the mall, or hanging out with their boyfriends. 

They ended up scrounging up enough change in Brendon's van to go play a couple of frames at the crappy bowling alley downtown.

 

And when Brendon took a picture of Ville's pathetic score card and posted it on Twitter, Ville did his best not to get upset. 

"Look at it this way, Ville. You said that I have to do this. That I was born to be famous, or whatever. You're just going to have to deal with the fact that you're going to be infamous for being my best friend."

 

It was one of the last chances that Brendon had to publicly humiliate his best friend on the internet for an indeterminate amount of time, so he let it go. Still, Ville wondered what it would be like one day when Brendon had hundreds of thousands of fans checking his Twitter update. He just hoped that Brendon would always have time for him, even if he was the worst bowler in the history of the sport.

 

…… 

 

Bam came home the day after Brendon took Ville bowling and Ville felt like he couldn't breathe. Bam wanted to spend every second with Ville, and that was alright and everything, but Ville had so much to do that he didn't even know where to start. 

 

"Babe. Seriously, just take it easy. I've seen the list that you made for yourself and it's not going to happen. You can't have everything."

 

It ached to hear that, especially from someone as stubborn as Bam, but it was true. Ville couldn’t finish everything on his list. It was pointless to try. He decided to relax and enjoy the little things. That was how he found himself on Bam's first night back in West Chester having unconventional sex in the tree house where they had hooked up for the first time. After moving back into his house, Ville didn't have the privacy he used to. If he wanted to have sex in a bed, he'd either have to do it with Brendon sleeping next to them, or in a room where April and Phil Margera would hear every moan and cry.

 

It only took ten minutes for Bam to talk Ville into the tree house, but he still felt like a slut afterward. He also had a splinter in his hand that he couldn't get out on his own, but that was just a minor annoyance. 

 

"Are you going to be able to handle not getting this all the time," Ville asked after Bam laid down next to him. Bam made a face like he was horrified by the idea, but he nodded his head.

 

"Babe, I like pretty much spent my whole high school career courting you. You're pretty high maintenance and I haven't gotten bored yet. I'm not going to fuck somebody else just because it's easy."

 

Ville nodded his head. He bit his lip until Bam started kissing his neck.

 

"Besides. No matter who it is, you'll always be better. You are hot as fuck, babe. I swear. The shit you say sometimes? And the way you move? You're the best, like, for sure. Why would I want anything else?"

 

To a normal person, that probably wouldn't have been a satisfactory answer. But Ville, being Bam's boyfriend, took it for it was. It was one of the best compliments he'd ever received. 

 

"I really fucking love you and I decided that I don't want to go to college," he finally said. His voice broke a little.   
Instead of celebrating the fact that they would be together forever, Bam put his head on Ville's chest.

 

"Doesn't matter. You're still going. It's going to be awesome. And I'm going to visit all the time, and Brendon will call you, and it will be great. You can even be a fucking sap and write me letters. I'll read them and junk."

 

Ville smiled and went to bed, just like that, sweating to death in Bam's old tree house.

 

Phil Margera found them in the morning, naked as the day they were born, curled up together in a pile of mismatched limbs. He cleared his throat to wake them up, but he didn't say anything.

 

"I've gotta get my own place," was the only thing Bam said.

 

……

 

Ville wasn't expecting a fight to break out over who would drive him to school, but there was.

 

Anita and Kari wanted to drive him, because it was the parental thing to do. They wanted to see their son off before he moved three hours away from them.

 

Bam wanted to drive him, because as his boyfriend, he wanted to scope out where he lived. He wanted to stare down people who would intimidate Ville, meet the roommate that he would eventually hear Ville complain about, and he wanted to lay him down on a bed one last time before he started his new journey.

 

But Brendon, Brendon was the most persistent. Brendon wanted to be the one to drive Ville to school, because it would be the last time that they would see each other for months. And since Brendon at one point wanted to go to school, and yet wasn't, he wanted to see what it looked like. 

 

In the end, Brendon won because he had the biggest car. Bam swore he could borrow a friend's truck, but Ville just shook his head. 

 

"It'll be better this way. I just…I can say 'see you later' to you, but he's the one I really need to say goodbye to."

 

And because Bam was the best boyfriend in the world, he only complained a little bit. 

 

……

 

Packing up Brendon's van the night before was the smartest course of action. Ville knew that he wouldn't want to do it in the morning and he was right.

 

He might have been eighteen, and he had already moved out once before, but he cried when his mother hugged him and wished him luck. Jesse told him to toughen up, but Kari hit him on the back of the head and looked suspiciously close to tears himself.

 

After that, it was Bam. And Bam wasn't crying or even begging him not to go, but it was so hard to hug him and kiss him while practically the whole neighborhood watched.

 

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm coming up next weekend to see you. I don't care if it's too soon, or you're not settled in, or your roommate is going to think that you're whipped. I'm not ready to go a week without seeing you just yet."

 

Ville just nodded and rested his head over Bam's shoulder. Bam rocked him from side to side to the tune of some song that Brendon would probably write someday. Ville wanted to write a story about that, about creating a moment that was eventually filled in by music. It proved that even when it hurt so badly, he still wanted to go to school.

 

"Alright. Get out of here before I do something lame like cry. And like, I'm probably going to text you ten times while you're still driving up there, but don't let Brendon tell you that it's his time with you, because…we both agreed to share you a long time ago."

 

Ville just smiled and nodded again. He wondered if it was anything like the agreement he had with Spencer. 

 

For the three hours that Brendon drove to University Park, he didn't shut up for a single second. Ville didn’t want him to, either.

 

Ville felt just a little bit cool and independent when they got to his dorm building. Everybody else was being helped and escorted by their parents, but Ville, he had Brendon. 

 

Brendon kept getting a kick out of people asking him what room he was in, what his major was, and if he wanted to go to a party later.

 

"Oh my god! Ville, these are my people! They like me! Why wasn't high school like this," he asked, as they rearranged the room to make room for the refrigerator and microwave. 

 

As they were putting things in Ville's closet, Brendon pushed him in it and hugged him hard. 

 

"I have to say this. Just…all these kids are coming in here, and they're all excited about this life where they eat lots of ramen, but you've already eaten enough ramen for a lifetime because of me. And well, just thanks. And I'm sorry you're going to have to eat even more ramen, but I will be too. And every time I eat it, I'll think of you, and how you're probably eating it too."

 

Ville was laughing in the closet hugging Brendon when Zach walked in and dropped two duffel bags bigger than Brendon on the floor. Brendon tried to pull away from Ville, but Ville just hung on tighter.

 

"You already told me that you were gay, what the fuck are you doing in the closet, man?"

 

He took a step closer to them and extended his hand. "I'm Zach, are you the boyfriend?"

 

Brendon took his hand with confidence and shook it.

 

"No. But I'm better than his boyfriend and he'll always love me more. I'm Brendon."

 

Zach looked him over carefully.

 

"You are all kinds of fucked up my friend, but I think I might like you."

 

After that they tried to help Zach with his things, but in the end, they just got in the way. Zach packed things so that only a linebacker would be able to pick them up. His dad was with him, but he stayed in the truck while his son did all the work. And when the last possession was taken out of the cab, all the man did was wave. 

 

"Don't fail out, kid. We're counting on you!"

 

"Later, dad!"

 

Ville didn't look down on them for their unconventional familial relationship, but when Brendon crawled up his back and begged for a piggy back ride up the stairs, Ville was glad for his overly affectionate friends and family. 

 

Brendon stayed for another hour to help Ville put away his things and check out Zach's collection of insanely violent video games. But as the hours ticked on, Ville frowned.

 

"You're going to hit the worst traffic of your life if you don't leave like ten minutes ago," he said.

 

Brendon just nodded.

 

Twenty minutes later, Ville walked him down to the parking lot and they stood in front of Brendon's van that held so many memories. Ville couldn't help but smile when he saw the dent in the roof. 

 

"You're going to make the best record in the world," Ville promised as he pulled an already crying Brendon into a hug.

 

"I know. I just…I really hate that you're not going to be there."

 

"I know. But I'll be here, and I'll be waiting to hear every single detail about it. And I want to be the first person to hear it that isn't in the band, or producing it, or giving you a fuck ton of money to put it out."

 

“I can do that.” Brendon sniffled and nodded his head in agreement. 

 

"And I'm going to thank you first in the notes, and I'm going to talk to you in interviews, and even if I don't have photographic evidence, I'm probably going to tweet about stupid things that I think you're doing."

 

Ville groaned.

 

"Fine. I'll just start mocking you shamelessly in my super-secret blog."

 

"That's not as big of a secret as you think it is, Ville. You should really learn to delete your browsing history."

 

Ville sighed and pinched Brendon as hard as he could on the hip. He wondered if it would bruise, and if so, if maybe Brendon would remember that bruise well.

 

"Ouch! What? You usually watch good porn. And like, I think that it gives us a deeper connection when we both get off on the same stuff, even though it will never be with each other. So, it's not really my fault that you're not very good at hiding stuff."

 

Ville just hugged him longer and longer. His phone kept vibrating telling him that he had missed texts, but they would keep.

 

"You have to get the hell out of here, because I can't let go first. And you have a record to make."

 

Eventually Brendon did. 

 

When Ville got back to his room, Zach was already playing video games with the door shut.

 

"Don't leave that door open. Apparently on move in day, people leave it open to meet new people. I don't want to meet anyone else today," he said. 

 

And Ville, Ville kind of agreed.

 

Twenty minutes later, he finally got another text. The first two were from Bam, but he read the one from Brendon first.

 

_Pulled ovr on the highway to cry. Parked behind another minivan. Met a mom. Her son is in 232. Go say hi!!!! <3 you!!!!_

 

Ville laughed, but then opened the two messages from Bam.

 

_Is Bden gone yet? Spencer Smith is on your doorstep already like a lost puppy. R we that bad???_

 

And then.

 

_Is it too soon 2 start the college phone sex thing? And r dirty pictures okay? Because maybe I should buy a better phone?_

 

Ville tossed his phone on the bed and slipped down to the floor to sit next to Zach. 

 

"I'm going to need the room for a half hour tonight, so like, maybe you could shower?"

 

Zach just laughed as he exploded the head of a zombie cop. 

 

"I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Ville."

**Epilogue**

Ville finished his freshman year of college with honors and a job that most people his age would have killed for. 

It was no big surprise that while Ville buried his nose in a book, Bam became an overnight success. Between his skating and the sensation over his ridiculous videos, people loved him. One night, just when Bam's videos started getting more attention than his skating, he called Ville.

"Can I just say how glad I am that I took that video down? I know we never really talk about it, but dude. It's different when a few ass bags in West Chester know how hot my boyfriend is, it would be different if the whole world knew. I don't want any more competition than I already have."

Ville laughed at that. What was worse was that he actually knew it was true. Whenever Ville was able to get to a show or exhibition that Bam did, he went. And when he was there, lots of brave and excited girls liked to take his picture. Being Bam's boyfriend hadn't exactly made him famous, but it did make him infamous. More than once, when someone asked to get their picture taken with Bam, they'd ask if Ville could pose too. It was weird. He spent the majority of his high school career feeling like his skin didn’t fit. The fact that there were message boards and communities that were dedicated to talking about how hot he and his boyfriend were, well, that was kind of a mind-fuck.

Still, Ville was glad for the novelty, because the alternative would have been people bashing Bam for being gay. And well, he did get that, but not nearly as much as Ville ever anticipated.

Whenever asked about that topic, Bam would just smile real smug for the camera. "What can I say? I'm just lucky that my boyfriend has a hot ass and a pretty face."

Ville's mother didn't like that part all that much, but Ville ran interference between the two when she was offended by something that Bam had said. 

And Brendon, Brendon was amazing. 

Once he dropped Ville off at school, he didn't stop. He went to New York, he recorded his Panic! At The Disco album and he even put his voice on a few tracks for a new Fall Out Boy record. After that, a star was born.

Their first single was on Itunes for about an hour before they became an overnight success with the fans who already stalked The Fueled By Ramen label with everything they had. I Write Sins Not Tragedies was on the Fuse video countdown and Ville kept having to remind himself that it was Brendon wearing eyeliner and a top hat. It was hard to believe that a song about him was playing in the coffee shop that Ville had his study group at, that the kid sitting next to him in Psychology was wearing a shirt with Brendon’s face on it, and the girl who worked in the library at night had Ryan Ross’ lyrics tattooed on her wrist. Yes, it was hard to believe, but it was all happening. And Ville, Ville couldn’t have been happier for his friends.

And just like Brendon promised, he never stopped telling people about Ville. He'd Tweet him, Tweet about him, and he posted a million pictures of him on their website citing that he was their first and best roadie. In interviews he credited Ville with saving his life.

Whenever somebody asked Brendon if he got homesick, he just shrugged. "I don't really get homesick. Like, West Chester is great - Go Rams! - but I never really fit in there. Can you get a person sick? Because I am so Ville sick right now. Ville's my best friend from home and we used to live together. I just…the phone isn't enough sometimes, you know? I just kind of want to tackle him and remind him why I'm the best thing that ever happened to him."

And then of course, the interviewer would always ask the same question. "Is that Ville Valo, the infamous hot-assed pretty-faced boyfriend of Bam Margera? Did you all grow up together?"

And Brendon would of course tone it down. He would say that yes, Ville was dating Bam. And yes, they were all connected. And so smooth, at the very end of the question, he'd smile. "I found Ville first though, so he'll always be my friend before Bam's boyfriend. Remember that. I'm his favorite."

Sometimes Bam would get pissy in interviews and try to one up him, but Ville never paid much attention to that. He was sure that somewhere on the world wide web there was a page dedicated to him and how much two semi-famous kids fought over him. 

Other than going to school and losing spectacularly to his roommate Zach in every video game known to man, Ville wasn't all that special. He had his blog that he renamed 'The Slightly Infamous Ville Valo Says…' to reflect the changing of the times. He posted on it whenever he got the chance. Crazily enough, it became so popular by people who were hoarding information on both Brendon and Bam, that Ville was able to quit his crappy job in the school book store after fall semester. He made enough money to keep both himself and Zach in the life of luxury by selling advertisement space alone. Ville didn't have enough to buy a car or go to Venice on spring break, but he had enough to keep them in stocked with Poptarts and name brand laundry detergent. 

Still, even though he knew that two people loved him fiercer than they ever should, he was still sad as the spring semester started to wind down. He knew that when he went home, neither of his boys would be there. They both had jobs, important jobs, and they took them over the world. He wondered if he would feel like Brendon did at camp. He wondered if it would help him if he spent the summer in Helsinki again.

Just before he got desperate enough to accept an internship at The West Chester Daily News, Brendon called Ville in the middle of the night.

"Okay so look. I had to promise Bam that I wouldn't get you a cooler birthday or Christmas present than him for at least two years to make this phone call, so you better perk up. I know it's late, but I am in way worse shape than you are. I can’t sleep, I haven't showered in three days, and neither has Spencer, and I just went down on him. I know that probably grosses you out, but we're in love, and…anyway. Are you awake?"

Ville just coughed. At that moment he thanked his lucky stars that he hadn't left his phone on speaker for Zach to hear.

"I'm…I'm listening," was all Ville said.

"So like, Bam and I have been talking for the past two months, trying to figure out a Ville schedule for the summer. Because I wanted to take you on tour with me and he wanted to take you too. But like, it was hard, because I didn't even know what our next tour was going to be. But then…then, you gotta hear this part, Ville."

And if Brendon had been in front of him, Ville would have strangled him. Brendon was the king of talking around things for an hour, just to tell you them. He was excited, but there was only so much excitement that Ville could take (especially at two in the morning right before finals).

"So like, two nights ago Pete calls me and says, 'I know it's kind of lame and a little bit over, but would you ever agree to do The Warped Tour?' And I didn't really know, so I asked Ryan, and Ryan really didn't want to do it. But then Pete called and told me that they were going to approach Bam to do it too. Because you know, Pete's like massively creepy and he thinks our love triangle, or square, or octagon - whatever the fuck we are these days - is just hot. So seriously, if Bam and I were on the same tour, and you were there too, people would freak, right? So I called Bam, even though he swears up and down that he called me an hour before that - whatever, I didn't have his missed call. Anyway, he was stoked to do Warped to begin with, because he loves music, mixed-media and skating - so it's all there for him. But then we were both stoked, because if we were there together, we both get you. We both win."

Ville just sat in silence on the end of the phone line.

"And then it gets even better, Ville. When Warped figured out that we'd both be there and we'd of course take you along, they kind of decided that you should be on the bandwagon too. So, I don't know how much or whatever - because I'm seriously bad with numbers to begin with - but they want to pay you to keep doing your blog while you're on tour with us. How awesome is that? So if you agree to do this, you'll have me and Bam and you'll get paid!"

Ville didn't remember the rest of the conversation. Eventually he must have said yes, because Brendon let him get off the phone. 

And sometime after that, he got a text from Bam. U better have said yes! I am not going on tour with Urie without you. They'll eat me alive!

So Ville agreed. While he was wrapping up his finals, he was also in the admissions building waiting to get faxes from Warped Tour sponsors. He signed agreements and was given guidelines of what he could and couldn't post. It wasn't his dream job or anything, but for the first time in his life, it seemed like he was being paid to be a writer.

When he told his mother over the phone, she said "I'm proud of you, sweetheart," even though Ville sensed that she was upset that he wouldn't be coming home for the summer.

And that was exactly how Ville got himself on a bus on Warped Tour. It wasn't hard work, but Ville figured out pretty fast that there was an unglamorous side to the life that Brendon and Bam lived. Some mornings he woke up and all he wanted a shower. Sometimes his head hurt so bad that he didn't want to get off the bus to take pictures of the bands and the skaters and the merch stands to post on his blog.

He got through it by highlighting the unglamorous parts. Some of his most popular posts were as follows. 

Spencer Smith Stops Showering: Day Four. Attached to the post was a picture of Spencer's scalp. It was so greasy that Ville could have wiped it with a towel. He of course didn't mention the fact that there was nowhere to shower and that they were still a day out from their scheduled 'hotel night.'

Brendon Urie Fell Off Stage In Ohio: The Morning After. The picture that went with it was a deep purple bruise that covered Brendon from hip to armpit. He didn't mention that Brendon didn't so much fall offstage, but rather was trying to dodge a crazy fan who had jumped onstage with him. The tour medic swore up and down that Brendon didn't break anything, but Ville and Spencer weren't so sure. They tried to take him to a real doctor, but he always refused.

Bam Margera Talks To His Mother: An Ode To Capital One. On that one, Ville posted a video of Bam talking to his mother on speaker phone. She was yelling at her son for spending over three thousand dollars on a hotel room in Detroit. Her voice was so loud that it made the crappy microphone on Ville's camera kept cutting out. She sounded like an adult in the Charlie Brown movies. Of course Ville never mentioned that the bill was from a hotel room that Ryan Ross trashed after someone slipped him acid. Ville and Bam had to take care of him all night because Brendon needed Spencer time, but in the middle of the night he woke up - still not lucid - and smashed everything he could get his hands on. Bam had to sit on him until he passed out again. 

Best Present Ever Award: Fans Are Fun. That was one of Ville's favorite days on tour. A girl came up to them so shy and unsure of herself. She handed them a box full of candy, Poptarts and crossword puzzles. It reminded him of the packages that his mother sent to him in school when she sensed his homesickness. He of course never mentioned that Bam only filled out three words of the puzzle before he threw it out the bus window. Or that they were pulled over by the state police because Bam threw it out the window. The fact that they mailed the fine to Pete Wentz when Bam actually talked himself into the ticket was their little secret.

There were a thousand more stories, stories that were never told on Ville's blog or Brendon's Twitter account. 

There were stories about Bam making love to Ville on an empty bus twenty minutes before he had to go skate.

There was a story about Ville sitting supportively behind Brendon while he called his mother to wish her a happy birthday, though she conveniently forgot to do the same for Brendon. 

There were stories of Ville and Spencer fighting behind closed doors and curtains about what Brendon did and didn't need from both of them. There were even more stories of Bam and Brendon fighting about what was and wasn't good for Ville.

There was good and bad sex, lots of booze, too much pot, and never enough showers,

There was a night when Ville went onstage and played bass for Panic! because Jon had sliced his hand open on broken glass. He wasn't able to document himself, but he saw the pictures that fans had took later. Ville looked wrong with Panic! and he was glad that he never let his love for Brendon cloud that decision for him.

It sounds way more dramatic than it was, but then again, doesn’t everything? As much as Ville hated rushing and not showering on a daily basis, he made it through. He even had fun when he wasn’t looking. Things weren’t perfect, but they made the best of the summer, because they didn’t know if they’d ever get the opportunity again. Brendon and Bam were with him the entire time and Ville knew that wherever that was, that would always be his home. 

**The End**


End file.
